Supporting spouse in diet
rosebette
Posts: 1,660 Member
Finally, my husband, who is significantly overweight (actually in the obese category) has agreed to try an eating plan that will help him to take the weight off. It's one I posted about a while back, David Ludwig's [iAlways Hungry[/i]. Ludwig's theory is that many people who are overweight are constantly hungry because they have been overfeeding on processed carbs (partly as a result of the food industry and old food guidelines pushing the 5-12 servings of grain/carbs a day), and they just crave more. also, by giving up "high fat" food, people are consuming calories that aren't satiating, and so are never satisfied. Anyway, my husband read the book with me, and he pretty much fits the profile of the type of person Ludwig's writing about -- overweight, Type II diabetes, belly fat, etc. The first 2 weeks of Ludwig's program involves no grains of any type and no white potatoes. The only carbs are from fruit, dairy, and beans. Also, all dairy products, salad dressings, etc. are full fat to promote satiety. I've done the shopping for the plan and plan to go along with my spouse when we have meals together at home. (Whole grains are allowed later in Phase II, after week 3 or 4). However, I'm not overweight myself (maintaining at 120) and have been doing fine just eating nutritiously and tracking. Hubs feels that even when he's not around, I should also follow the Ludwig plan to be in "solidarity" with him. But often, a sandwich (which is a no-no on the Ludwig plan) is more convenient for me due to my work schedule (say if I have lots of student conferences back-to-back). Also, my adult sons live with us, and 2-3 nights out of the week, my husband doesn't even come home for dinner due to work meetings, community board meetings, etc., so my sons and I will eat what we enjoy. In any case, hub says he will feel bad to know that I may be eating bread or pasta when he isn't able to eat that himself. Am I being unsupportive of my spouse by not following this plan at all times, even when he's not around?
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He's being unreasonable IMO. Maybe looking for excuses to quit. That said, I can see no reason to stop eating carbs completely; cutting down (cutting calories all over, but most on carbs) ususally does the trick.0
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The diet doesn't cut carbs completely, just grain-based carbs, starchy vegetables like potatoes, and high glycemic index fruits like bananas and mangos for the first two weeks. All other fruits, dairy, and beans are allowed. I guess the purpose is to cut cravings and reduce insulin resistance. In the second phase, whole grain carbs are allowed, but in very moderate amounts (no more than 3 small servings a day). As I said, my husband is diabetic, so for him it may be necessary to reduce carbs, and perhaps this might also be reducing calories since it is taking a way a food group that is a trigger for him. I guess the other thing I should mention is that he has no interest in tracking or calorie counting, so this might work for him.0
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Sounds like he's lining up the excuses to not do it... There's no reason that anyone else should eat in the same way he does when HE is the one who needs to lose weight...0
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One thing he suggests is that I stick with this program as an experiment and see if I can lose that "last five pounds."0
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Sorry, but that is just not fair to you and the boys. I eat high fat low carb for a number of reasons, and I would not subject my husband who lives for carbs and is in a healthy weight range to my diet.
Just the other day I told him I was making coconut flour tortillas to try with the burrito filling I made, the look on his face was priceless because I typically made fresh home made flour tortillas before I started really cutting back carbs. I just laughed and said don't worry, you are still getting fresh flour tortillas.
I also made chicken pesto pasta salad for him for lunches last week, mine had zucchini noodles his had penne pasta.
Not only does he continue to eat all the foods I love and enjoy right in front of me, I cook them for him. Ultimately your husband has to come to accept that he has to be responsible for himself and that what he chooses to eat is for him to be happy and healthy and what you eat has very little to do with it.
Can you support him by cooking one meal while he is there, sure, can you not bring foods he can't eat into the house to avoid temptation, yes, and I think those are nice things to do if he needs support, but if you want to eat something outside the plan while he is not there I can't see why that should be an issue.
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Was the plan his idea? If yes, it is up to him to follow it or not. If it was something someone else siggested, then it sounds like it is nto for him1
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What does he do around other people who are eating sammiches? Tell them to get with his program?
I understand needing support from a spouse. I've asked my hubby to help me, but I never asked him to change how he eats in order for me to stay on program. I'm with PP and he's looking for reasons to quit.0 -
I'd tell him to keep his eyes on his own plate and worry about himself. You've done all the shopping, handed him the book, and are eating all shared meals on the plan. He's not just looking for excuses to quit, he's looking to blame you for his decision to quit when he does because you weren't in "solidarity" with him. Honestly I'd start thinking about an exit plan. He doesn't sound like a good partner or parent if he's going to blame his obesity on you and your children.0
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stephanie20314 wrote: »I'd tell him to keep his eyes on his own plate and worry about himself. You've done all the shopping, handed him the book, and are eating all shared meals on the plan. He's not just looking for excuses to quit, he's looking to blame you for his decision to quit when he does because you weren't in "solidarity" with him. Honestly I'd start thinking about an exit plan. He doesn't sound like a good partner or parent if he's going to blame his obesity on you and your children.
I've been with this guy 32 years and my sons are in their early 20s, and he has never blamed his weight on me or the kids. He is aware of his own history and genetics (diabetes and overeweight are in his family background). Granted, he may be looking for a way to excuse a failure to stick to plan, but he's not "blaming me." To advocate someone end a long term relationship over this is a bit extreme.0 -
What did he eat while you were losing weight?0
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yesterday my wife told me she was going out for about an hour.... we usually spend saturday afternoon together.. this was about an hour after she told me she was tired and didn't feel like doing anything... a couple of hours later she comes home ,and sheepishly tells me she went to yo fresh for a yogurt.. i ask her why she didn't tell me... she didn't want to tempt me.... i told her this is my battle not hers and not to worry... i am not tempted and if i was, i would have one and fit it into my calorie log for the day. i keep reassuring her that i am not going back to my old ways....dropped 45 lbs so far,,, Sorry but this is his battle not yours... he needs to accept this ... you are there to cheer him on .. i do all the cooking for the family(i'm a better cook) i still make rice and pottos and pasta for the family.. i will not deny my family what they want to eat based on what i am eating or not eating... this is my journey not their's .it would be selfish of me to do otherwise1
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If it is you that is wanting him to try the diet, then you should probably walk the walk and do it with him... If he is doing it on his own impetus, then he shouldn't try to pull you into doing it with him.
I would not, for example, encourage someone to go to the gym for health and then just pat them on the head and send them there alone... but nor would I decide to go the gym on my own steam and then try to force everyone in my household to go along with me...2 -
Did you participate in convincing your husband to try this elimination diet? If he's missing foods he likes that badly, you may wish to consider a plan that contains food he likes. Calorie restriction in and of itself generally should reduce carb intake, if that's the goal. Unless, of course the plan is a doctor ordered one.2
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It sounds like he wants someone to "feel the pain with him" and if you were the one to convince him to try it, then it might be nice for you to stick it out with him. It won't kill you to follow it for a few months.
In the other hand, what you do when he's not around is none of his business and maybe you should I act a don't ask, don't tell policy. Many years ago I followed a strict diet and exercise plan in 'solidarity' with my husband even though I was at my ideal weight. The second time around, I ate what I wanted when I wasn't around him. I will say him knowing that did cause him to lose some motivation. I'm trying to lose a little BF now, and in no way expect him or the kids to eat like me all the time.0 -
It sounds like he's not fully comprehended that he has to want to lose weight. You can have all the meals prepped in the world, but if you are not completely committed to your goal, it can be incredibly difficult to stay on track especially if like me he has a history of stress eating or sugar cravings. Personally I would stick to the same meal plan for the first 3-4 weeks and once he starts to see some progress, you may be able to relax more on your end as he becomes more dedicated. Good luck with everything!
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Maybe this particular diet isn't for him. Has he tried the whole tracking and logging mfp way? If he has had certain eating habits for many years, cutting foods he loves cold turkey might not work for him. There are many success stories here of people who eat foods they love, just a whole lot less, and lose weight.0
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Maybe this particular diet isn't for him. Has he tried the whole tracking and logging mfp way? If he has had certain eating habits for many years, cutting foods he loves cold turkey might not work for him. There are many success stories here of people who eat foods they love, just a whole lot less, and lose weight.
She already said he didn't want to bother with CICO.0 -
What did he eat while you were losing weight?
When at home he ate what I ate but in larger portions. However I still ate carbs and grains and am maintaining eating them. I just measure and track portions whereas if he eats a bowl of cereal he'll fill the bowl to overflowing and want more. I don't have that extreme hunger or craving he has. I would have healthy meals at night and he ate them. This program is supposed to reduce cravings. By the way his doctor wants him to be on some kind of plan to lose and to make some progress by his next visit.0 -
What did he eat while you were losing weight?
When at home he ate what I ate but in larger portions. However I still ate carbs and grains and am maintaining eating them. I just measure and track portions whereas if he eats a bowl of cereal he'll fill the bowl to overflowing and want more. I don't have that extreme hunger or craving he has. I would have healthy meals at night and he ate them. This program is supposed to reduce cravings. By the way his doctor wants him to be on some kind of plan to lose and to make some progress by his next visit.
I think you need to have a chat with your husband. Only he can do this. Yes you can support him, of course you would you're his wife, but that doesn't mean that the success of his eating plan is balancing on whether you take part or not.
Doesn't sound like he's grasping the seriousness of his condition if he's not willing to do it alone?0 -
Did you participate in convincing your husband to try this elimination diet? If he's missing foods he likes that badly, you may wish to consider a plan that contains food he likes. Calorie restriction in and of itself generally should reduce carb intake, if that's the goal. Unless, of course the plan is a doctor ordered one.
I agree here. It sounds like he's really not that excited about this particular plan. He would be more likely to stick with something that lets him enjoy his food. What does he want to do? What does he want to eat? Can he not just take smaller portions and increase volume with veggies? Calorie counting is a tool, but there are many people who are successful without it. I agree that it seems he's looking for excuses already, which suggests he's really not that interested in this plan.
As for the 'just break up.' :huh: :noway: :laugh:1 -
Hmmmm. He has cravings and you don't. If he had a broken leg, would he want you to wear a cast along with him?0
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What did he eat while you were losing weight?
When at home he ate what I ate but in larger portions. However I still ate carbs and grains and am maintaining eating them. I just measure and track portions whereas if he eats a bowl of cereal he'll fill the bowl to overflowing and want more. I don't have that extreme hunger or craving he has. I would have healthy meals at night and he ate them. This program is supposed to reduce cravings. By the way his doctor wants him to be on some kind of plan to lose and to make some progress by his next visit.
Then maybe he could work with a dietician? Get a plan tailored to his preferences and his medical problems?0 -
What did he do when you were pregnant with your kids? Was he in solidarity with you...abstaining from alcohol and all the other foods we give up when we are pregnant?
Honestly, if something as trivial as you eating a sandwich is going to derail him or make him feel bad, he isn't as committed to the new eating plan as he needs to be to be successful. He needs to find his own "why" and not blame your choices for his choices. You can't force him to want to do this.0 -
OP, don't change your eating habits for him. His expectations are completely unreasonable. You can't have a sandwich when he's not even at home?
It sounds like he doesn't want to be on this diet. I suggest he focus on basic portion control. Eat only half the food on his plate at a restaurant. Fill up the cereal bowl halfway. It won't require calorie counting but will reduce his calorie intake. Eat one cookie instead of two. If he can eat everything he craves but in half portions then he will hopefully begin to realize eating less is not deprivation.0 -
Finally, my husband, who is significantly overweight (actually in the obese category) has agreed to try an eating plan that will help him to take the weight off. It's one I posted about a while back, David Ludwig's [iAlways Hungry[/i]. Ludwig's theory is that many people who are overweight are constantly hungry because they have been overfeeding on processed carbs (partly as a result of the food industry and old food guidelines pushing the 5-12 servings of grain/carbs a day), and they just crave more. also, by giving up "high fat" food, people are consuming calories that aren't satiating, and so are never satisfied. Anyway, my husband read the book with me, and he pretty much fits the profile of the type of person Ludwig's writing about -- overweight, Type II diabetes, belly fat, etc. The first 2 weeks of Ludwig's program involves no grains of any type and no white potatoes. The only carbs are from fruit, dairy, and beans. Also, all dairy products, salad dressings, etc. are full fat to promote satiety. I've done the shopping for the plan and plan to go along with my spouse when we have meals together at home. (Whole grains are allowed later in Phase II, after week 3 or 4). However, I'm not overweight myself (maintaining at 120) and have been doing fine just eating nutritiously and tracking. Hubs feels that even when he's not around, I should also follow the Ludwig plan to be in "solidarity" with him. But often, a sandwich (which is a no-no on the Ludwig plan) is more convenient for me due to my work schedule (say if I have lots of student conferences back-to-back). Also, my adult sons live with us, and 2-3 nights out of the week, my husband doesn't even come home for dinner due to work meetings, community board meetings, etc., so my sons and I will eat what we enjoy. In any case, hub says he will feel bad to know that I may be eating bread or pasta when he isn't able to eat that himself. Am I being unsupportive of my spouse by not following this plan at all times, even when he's not around?
You introduced him to this plan and want him to do it. I think it is kind of unsuportive in that case to say you will eat whatever you really want when he isn't around in that initial phase. This is a difficult change for him I think he is saying by asking you to do this too. You can eat plenty of things other than bread or pasta for 2 weeks without any real difficulty and it would make him feel less alone.
Plan and prepare your food in advance. Eat lettuce wraps instead of bread sandwiches. Eat a hard boiled egg. Pack a yogurt. Eat veggies and hummus.Yeah it is different than a sandwich but it is only 2 weeks.0 -
What did he eat while you were losing weight?
When at home he ate what I ate but in larger portions. However I still ate carbs and grains and am maintaining eating them. I just measure and track portions whereas if he eats a bowl of cereal he'll fill the bowl to overflowing and want more. I don't have that extreme hunger or craving he has. I would have healthy meals at night and he ate them. This program is supposed to reduce cravings. By the way his doctor wants him to be on some kind of plan to lose and to make some progress by his next visit.
So why didn't he eat the same small portions as you out of "solidarity," whether he was with you or not? Did he want you to "feel bad" because you couldn't eat as much as he was eating? Doesn't sound like a very supportive spouse, under his own rules.0 -
When he's ready, it won't matter if you're willing and/or able to hold his hand0
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stephanie20314 wrote: »I'd tell him to keep his eyes on his own plate and worry about himself. You've done all the shopping, handed him the book, and are eating all shared meals on the plan. He's not just looking for excuses to quit, he's looking to blame you for his decision to quit when he does because you weren't in "solidarity" with him. Honestly I'd start thinking about an exit plan. He doesn't sound like a good partner or parent if he's going to blame his obesity on you and your children.
I've been with this guy 32 years and my sons are in their early 20s, and he has never blamed his weight on me or the kids. He is aware of his own history and genetics (diabetes and overeweight are in his family background). Granted, he may be looking for a way to excuse a failure to stick to plan, but he's not "blaming me." To advocate someone end a long term relationship over this is a bit extreme.
With the weight differences and your use of "my" instead of "our" about your adult children I didn't think it was such a long term relationship. And saying that he can't stick to his diet because he imagines you're at home eating pasta is blaming you. If his doctor told him to lose weight why isn't he following up with a medical professional for a meal plan?
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This diet plan sounds like an overly restrictive plan for failure to me. If your husband is going to lose weight and keep it off over the long term he needs to learn to control portion sizes and eat within his calorie limits. This can be done while eating the same foods as the rest of the household.
Most importantly your husband will only commit to a lifestyle change when he is ready to do so. You can buy him books, download MFP onto his phone for him, and give him encouraging words, but you can't make him lose weight.1 -
Why can't he be an adult and research plans on his own?0
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