I am controlling my boyfriend? Advice needed!
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Mad_Medusa wrote: »Guys, if you are just going to harass her instead of commenting to give advice, even if your advice is just "maybe it is time to rethink the relationship", gtfo. She came for actual advice because she knows what she is feeling is off. No need to be dicks to her about it, seriously. If your special other were slowly ballooning in weight and it was affecting your attraction to them, would you not want to ask for help on finding a way to talk to them about the situation to make it as gentle as possible? Would you rather be quiet as they slowly crawled to an unhealthy weight where nothing but health problems awaited them? How many of you are as perfect as you are making yourselves to be, with your answers to her? :l I agree with many that there is an underlying issue, but you feel what you feel, and it doesn't stop the fact that he is indeed binging and likely gaining weight. Which either way, is a bad sign that he needs someone to talk HIS OWN issues through with.
Seriously. e .e
Some of the comments are not helpful I agree however referring to people as disgusting and making belittling comments is in no way helpful to anyone. Depending on the severity of the comments it could verge on verbal abuse. Talking to someone and bringing up your consents in a calm and understanding environment is completely different. I do agree it's HIS issue not HERS so her hurtful comments aren't doing him any good.
As I mentioned in a lil rant in a previous comment, I'm more bugged people are just assuming the worst. We have no idea what was said. We have no idea if she even meant anything hurtful, but ended up striking him the wrong way [we all know those comments, things someone thinks are harmless, but strikes us to our core]. Sometimes you don't know something is hurtful until it is brought up, it just seems so... SMALL to you.
But people are assuming the worst and harassing her on it. It COULD verge on verbal abuse. It COULD have been even the smallest thing, like mentioned above. But do we know anything of the severity or the situation? No. But people are beating OP back and forth on this one for about two pages now.
Gah.0 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
6' and 210 is very overweight to almost obese. So yes, fat. Unless he is seriously training, and has a ton of muscle, which it sounds like he is not.
Obviously he has a right to be overweight, or obese, or a couch potato. And OP also has a right to not be attracted to this kind of man, same as someone else would be bored to death by a partner who is into fitness when all they want to do is stay home and watch a movie.
It is called incompatibility. It does not mean that either OP or her boyfriend are "broken".
@beckadaisy in all honesty, you are posting on the wrong site. Objectively, most people here have been or are overweight or obese. They are far more likely to have been at some point your boyfriend, or your parents, or still be.
You are not seeking advice from the average population by posting here, you are seeking advice from a group where obesity is or has been by far more common than in the average population .0 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
Well, he IS beginning to near obese. Which means his health will soon be impacted. Many of us here have straddled the line of obese [was a good few pounds into being obese myself], and it is shocking how quick health begins to decline. I was 5'2, 200lbs, and my heart was beginning to screw up pretty bad.
He's a male and has 10 inches on you. I doubt his heart will have trouble keeping up for another 100-ish pounds. Besides, he's an adult. His problem. He certainly doesn't deserve to be potentially verbally abused for it. I mean I get this is meant to be a "safe place" and the OP was just seeking help and feedback, but imagine being her parents and reading this
Was more talking about BMI - it took getting closer to 'normal' BMI for me to go back to normal, but I was having issues before and around hitting obese. He isn't that far away from obese. While it is his problem, his health also affects his supposed loved ones. I agree he doesn't deserve to be verbally abused, but people have lashed out so hard at OP, we don't even know how it actually goes in their life. People assumed the worst outright when things may have even been badly worded.
And know what?
I don't even care how she described her parents. My friends do things that disgust me. Do I love them any less? No. But does that mean I want them to begin showering? Yes. We don't know what point of health or obesity they got to - for all we know, they've hit the point where bacteria is infesting fat folds to the point they have yeast infections in them. Which actually IS a thing. I'm looking at the big picture on this one, putting myself in OPs shoes. Would I get disgusted with my parents if they hit that point of obesity there such issues are inevitable? Yes. Yes, I would. Still love them, but would get quite disgusted.
Everyone is riding the mighty high horse, but they forget they likely do have people like this in their lives they feel towards, whether or not they want to admit it to themselves. She's asking for advice, she is even in therapy, outright said it [some of which he joins].
At this point, people need to go back to giving actual advice, or shut up on the slamming on her nonstop, harassing. That is the part that is bugging me the most, they are acting so bad themselves vs bashing her for verbal abuse we don't know happens. She said hurtful comments. We all do it, most of the time we don't even know - a small comment here that seems harmless to us damages another. For all we know, she didn't realize it was something hurtful until he brought it up with her. Her hurtful comment could even have been something along the lines of trying to talk about how she feels this is affecting their relationship. But everyone outright assumes she called him a Fatty McFatPants by their reactions. People are even nitpicking about her picking small fights over nothing... Which everyone does when they are annoyed. Every little small thing seems worse when you are already annoyed with something, it is what couples do when annoyed with the other for some reason. "WOULD YOU JUST STOP CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN?" was one I've witnessed.
But OP ran, and I wouldn't have come back either to try and even explain myself, everyone rampaged hard.
Ranted, but this community is just atrocious sometimes in assuming things. Think big pictures and ALL possibilities, guys.
Good points. Her parents are disgusting, boyfriend needs to change, she restricts her own eating even though she doesn't want to, but let's fill in the blanks by assuming the worst of everyone else. No no, you're right. They're all the problem. She's perfect and her words shouldn't have any consequences or accountability attached to them0 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
6' and 210 is very overweight to almost obese. So yes, fat. Unless he is seriously training, and has a ton of muscle, which it sounds like he is not.
Obviously he has a right to be overweight, or obese, or a couch potato. And OP also has a right to not be attracted to this kind of man, same as someone else would be bored to death by a partner who is into fitness when all they want to do is stay home and watch a movie.
It is called incompatibility. It does not mean that either OP or her boyfriend are "broken".
@beckadaisy in all honesty, you are posting on the wrong site. Objectively, most people here have been or are overweight or obese. They are far more likely to have been at some point your boyfriend, or your parents, or still be.
You are not seeking advice from the average population by posting here, you are seeking advice from a group where obesity is or has been by far more common than in the average population .
The majority of American adults are considered overweight or obese. If anything, MFP may disproportionately represent those interested in health, fitness and a lower body weight. That said, while I do find it a little strange that you would recommend dismissing people's opinions because they are or were overweight, I don't see what's so novel about what you posted, anyway. Did you happen to miss the multiple posts stating that she should walk away if his weight was that big an issue to her?0 -
Seems pretty clear to me that The OP is projecting her own issues into her boyfriend and trying to change him rather than confronting in her therapy what has resulted in her responses to weight.
OP: This is not his battle, it's yours. He sounds like a supportive man who even attends your therapy when you request him to. But you have to realise your disgust issues with weight/fat you need to address by looking at how they originated. You mentioned your parents, maybe that's your starting point. But by simply trying to control those around you to be a size that does not perturb you all your life is simply not feasible, and it will probably lose you a lot of friendships and relationships.0 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
6' and 210 is very overweight to almost obese. So yes, fat. Unless he is seriously training, and has a ton of muscle, which it sounds like he is not.
Obviously he has a right to be overweight, or obese, or a couch potato. And OP also has a right to not be attracted to this kind of man, same as someone else would be bored to death by a partner who is into fitness when all they want to do is stay home and watch a movie.
It is called incompatibility. It does not mean that either OP or her boyfriend are "broken".
@beckadaisy in all honesty, you are posting on the wrong site. Objectively, most people here have been or are overweight or obese. They are far more likely to have been at some point your boyfriend, or your parents, or still be.
You are not seeking advice from the average population by posting here, you are seeking advice from a group where obesity is or has been by far more common than in the average population .
The majority of American adults are considered overweight or obese. If anything, MFP may disproportionately represent those interested in health, fitness and a lower body weight. That said, while I do find it a little strange that you would recommend dismissing people's opinions because they are or were overweight, I don't see what's so novel about what you posted, anyway. Did you happen to miss the multiple posts stating that she should walk away if his weight was that big an issue to her?
I am not dismissing at all people's opinions regarding this or any other topic. I am saying that they are biased inevitably and for sure cannot see the problem from OP's point of view. A young girl who is concerned enough about her worries to be in therapy. Which means IMHO she is also vulnerable. I have yet to meet IRL anyone seeking therapy at 20 because it sounds fun.
Lots of people find certain character or appearance traits as dealbreakers: being overweight, underweight, too much into sports, too sedentary, listening to the wrong kind of music, being obsessed with soccer, partying too much or not at all, dressing too casually or too formally, being or not being vegetarian, are some of the few examples I can think about what might make a person not attracted to someone else, examples I have heard in real life. Why does OP have to feel crazy or evil about her preferences? It sounds like she feels she should do the politically correct thing and embrace her boyfriend's weight and habits, against what comes naturally to her. Many of the replies she is getting here imply she is somehow an awful person because of her preferences in a partner. This is the part that is biased. OP finds a certain bodytype not attractive. Which is normal, not a reason for therapy. We all have different preferences.0 -
You don't sound ready to be in a relationship and I suspect you will just end up making each other miserable.
Have some time apart from each other so you can work on figuring out who you are and what you fundamentally believe in.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire, it extinguishes the small and and enkindles the great...0 -
I went from the above to a complete state of obesity....
I am thankful my wife was honest with me....0 -
6' 210 lbs, hardly a ballooning fatty
6' and 210 is very overweight to almost obese. So yes, fat. Unless he is seriously training, and has a ton of muscle, which it sounds like he is not.
Obviously he has a right to be overweight, or obese, or a couch potato. And OP also has a right to not be attracted to this kind of man, same as someone else would be bored to death by a partner who is into fitness when all they want to do is stay home and watch a movie.
It is called incompatibility. It does not mean that either OP or her boyfriend are "broken".
@beckadaisy in all honesty, you are posting on the wrong site. Objectively, most people here have been or are overweight or obese. They are far more likely to have been at some point your boyfriend, or your parents, or still be.
You are not seeking advice from the average population by posting here, you are seeking advice from a group where obesity is or has been by far more common than in the average population .
The majority of American adults are considered overweight or obese. If anything, MFP may disproportionately represent those interested in health, fitness and a lower body weight. That said, while I do find it a little strange that you would recommend dismissing people's opinions because they are or were overweight, I don't see what's so novel about what you posted, anyway. Did you happen to miss the multiple posts stating that she should walk away if his weight was that big an issue to her?
I am not dismissing at all people's opinions regarding this or any other topic. I am saying that they are biased inevitably and for sure cannot see the problem from OP's point of view. A young girl who is concerned enough about her worries to be in therapy. Which means IMHO she is also vulnerable. I have yet to meet IRL anyone seeking therapy at 20 because it sounds fun.
Lots of people find certain character or appearance traits as dealbreakers: being overweight, underweight, too much into sports, too sedentary, listening to the wrong kind of music, being obsessed with soccer, partying too much or not at all, dressing too casually or too formally, being or not being vegetarian, are some of the few examples I can think about what might make a person not attracted to someone else, examples I have heard in real life. Why does OP have to feel crazy or evil about her preferences? It sounds like she feels she should do the politically correct thing and embrace her boyfriend's weight and habits, against what comes naturally to her. Many of the replies she is getting here imply she is somehow an awful person because of her preferences in a partner. This is the part that is biased. OP finds a certain bodytype not attractive. Which is normal, not a reason for therapy. We all have different preferences.
All I took issue with was your statement that the fat or formerly fat people of MFP were somehow the wrong audience for this discussion due to somehow being fatter than the rest of the population. Hell, not everyone on MFP uses it to manage weight. Take the OP herself, for instance
I'm not sure you've read the posts closely enough. She's already in therapy, presumably of her own choosing. It seems pretty sensible to use a tool that's already at your disposal to explore these sorts of issues0 -
Mad_Medusa wrote: »Guys, if you are just going to harass her instead of commenting to give advice, even if your advice is just "maybe it is time to rethink the relationship", gtfo. She came for actual advice because she knows what she is feeling is off. No need to be dicks to her about it, seriously. If your special other were slowly ballooning in weight and it was affecting your attraction to them, would you not want to ask for help on finding a way to talk to them about the situation to make it as gentle as possible? Would you rather be quiet as they slowly crawled to an unhealthy weight where nothing but health problems awaited them? How many of you are as perfect as you are making yourselves to be, with your answers to her? :l I agree with many that there is an underlying issue, but you feel what you feel, and it doesn't stop the fact that he is indeed binging and likely gaining weight. Which either way, is a bad sign that he needs someone to talk HIS OWN issues through with.
Seriously. e .e
Some of the comments are not helpful I agree however referring to people as disgusting and making belittling comments is in no way helpful to anyone. Depending on the severity of the comments it could verge on verbal abuse. Talking to someone and bringing up your consents in a calm and understanding environment is completely different. I do agree it's HIS issue not HERS so her hurtful comments aren't doing him any good.
As I mentioned in a lil rant in a previous comment, I'm more bugged people are just assuming the worst. We have no idea what was said. We have no idea if she even meant anything hurtful, but ended up striking him the wrong way [we all know those comments, things someone thinks are harmless, but strikes us to our core]. Sometimes you don't know something is hurtful until it is brought up, it just seems so... SMALL to you.
But people are assuming the worst and harassing her on it. It COULD verge on verbal abuse. It COULD have been even the smallest thing, like mentioned above. But do we know anything of the severity or the situation? No. But people are beating OP back and forth on this one for about two pages now.
Gah.
I respectfully suggest that you stop projecting yourself onto the OP-you are not her. We are running with the information she gave and she got alot of good advice. The replies are normal--some are helpfull, some are not, and some take the OP to task. I think she's old enough to defend herself..if she needs to.0 -
If it bothers you THIS much (to post about it), then you need to find someone else to be your BF. Don't try to change someone.0
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beckadaisy wrote: »Hey guys!
I've been on here for a while, usually just lurking. I mainly do this to maintain my current weight as I am pretty healthy (BMI 22.2). Here's the problem with me: I'm pretty sure I have a fat phobia. Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me.
My boyfriend, who I love dearly, just doesn't understand how I feel about this. He has only been gaining weight through our relationship, despite my efforts to get him to do yoga with me, to bike, etc. We make healthy (mostly vegan) dinners at home 5-6 nights week. From my perspective, his main issues are excessive drinking and over eating. Is it bad for me to try to change his lifestyle? I know he has to be the one to want it, but I'm getting frustrated. I end up saying some hurtful comments, and I don't want him to feel bad about his body. FYI, he is 6'0" 210lb. BMI is borderline obese at 28.5.
This is really important for me and I feel like it's damaging our relationship. Any advice, guys?
Hi OP,
I can kinda see where you're coming from. I've been in a very happy relationship for the the past 3 years and her and i have both gained a few pounds. The "Happy Pounds" is what i'd like to call them, we enjoyed going out and having delicious meals and cocktails. We both come from fitness backgrounds so eventually we both decided to cut some weight. I would weight lift and she would do yoga but eventually we found the best solution was to wake up early, go to the gym and workout together prior to going to work. We really enjoy the time we spend and we are seeing results together.
OP, I'm not trying to be mean or call you out but as i re-read your post all i could see was How "you" feel, how this upsets "you", how disgusted "you" are.
You said it yourself "there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine. I just lurk on the pages and pass judgement on my family and significant other" ( an exaggeration i know, I'm sorry)
Relationships are a team effort. Have you talked to him about how he feels or if he sees this as an issue/ concern?
It's one thing to be concerned about ones health and overall well being but its completely different page if your blaming him, seeing him as "Borderline Obese" and saying harmful comments.
It sounds like you guys live together and you addressed him as a dear love, so you are invested. It's okay to have your concerns but address them with his feelings in mind.
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Hi guys!
I enjoyed reading all of your responses. Very surprised when I woke up this morning and had 70+ responses. You guys gave me a lot to think about, even those of you who were not so kind. Disappointing, but to be expected when you ask the internet for advice.
Clearly some things up:
1) He it not healthy at 210lbs. His blood pressure is high and uncontrolled (on meds and usually 170/100). His BFP is around 26-28%.
2) I deeply apologize for anyone I offended by my comments about fat. Anyone here on MFP, regardless of sex, weight, height, size, etc., is here because they want to get better for themselves, which is great. There is no need to compare my comments to your lifestyle because that is not what I was intending.
3) For those who said it is disrespectful that I called my parents obese, what? Obesity is not a joke. It is not something I throw around when someone is a little flabby. At 6'4" and almost 400lbs, my dad is OBESE. That is a definition. What kind of role model is he setting to two young girls? Luckily my mom (5'4"; 270 at her highest) realized her problem and lost about 70 lbs a few years ago. Growing up with two obese parents had poor affects on my sister and I. She had/has an ED for almost 10 years now. It is not rude or selfish to call my parents that; it is simply a fact. I am not disrespectful because of this.
4) Regarding the therapy, I've battled depression and anxiety for 6 years now and have seeing this psychologist for almost 5 years now. My boyfriend has nothing to do with this. He has joined me for a few sessions to help better understand my anxiety, which is very sweet.
5) Finally, to the dude who asked if "I was on my way to visit Michael Vick" or something because of my avatar, politely go *kitten* yourself. Dog fighting is no *kitten* joke. I work with rescues who help save pitties from dog fighting so this hits close to home. It will never be funny. And my dog is my daughter.
Anyways, feel free to keep replying but try to keep the hurtful comments to yourself
I am a human and so are you. 0 -
@beckadaisy , people were taking offense at you saying "Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me."
You're saying you find obese people disgusting, and it's frankly hurtful. Yes, we're all here to get healthier and improve on ourselves. That doesn't mean that all of us are at our goal weights yet. I'm still working on myself - the last thing I need is someone telling me that I'm gross, that I'm not good enough. Self-hatred is what lead to the habits that caused so much weight gain in the first place.
Let me let you in on something: I've lost 25 lbs, and I'm still obese. And I guarantee that few things absolutely *kitten* nuke someone's feelings of pride and confidence faster than being told that people like them are "disgusting". It's cruel and unnecessary, especially when you seem to be trying to blame them for your sister's ED. Saying they're "obese" isn't insulting; saying that they disgust you is absolutely heartless.0 -
Dog fighting is no kitten joke.0
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »Dog fighting is no kitten joke.
Omg I had no idea that MFP edits the f word to kitten. That is hilarious0 -
I dont get why people are acting like you are this horrible girlfriend and horrible daughter for saying obesity disgusts you. Ummm i totally agree... And most people do which is why so many people are on this app or buying into silly weight loss schemes lol. Anyways if you want to live a healthy lifestyle and he doesnt then its time to have a serious discussion with him and possibly go your separate ways... Good luck!0
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MermaidAmanda10 wrote: »I dont get why people are acting like you are this horrible girlfriend and horrible daughter for saying obesity disgusts you. Ummm i totally agree... And most people do which is why so many people are on this app or buying into silly weight loss schemes lol. Anyways if you want to live a healthy lifestyle and he doesnt then its time to have a serious discussion with him and possibly go your separate ways... Good luck!
True true. Fat women disgust me.
*ducks*
*way down low*
(jk) <- has to be said, because forums . . .0 -
Wicked_Seraph wrote: »@beckadaisy , people were taking offense at you saying "Both of my parents were/are obese and seeing them like that is disgusting to me."
You're saying you find obese people disgusting, and it's frankly hurtful. Yes, we're all here to get healthier and improve on ourselves. That doesn't mean that all of us are at our goal weights yet. I'm still working on myself - the last thing I need is someone telling me that I'm gross, that I'm not good enough. Self-hatred is what lead to the habits that caused so much weight gain in the first place.
Let me let you in on something: I've lost 25 lbs, and I'm still obese. And I guarantee that few things absolutely *kitten* nuke someone's feelings of pride and confidence faster than being told that people like them are "disgusting". It's cruel and unnecessary, especially when you seem to be trying to blame them for your sister's ED. Saying they're "obese" isn't insulting; saying that they disgust you is absolutely heartless.
She said she finds her parents' and their obesity disgustung. She didnt say she finds you disgusting, or all obese people disgusting. Its not an attack on you.0 -
It's obvious you have the problem with his weight, not him. Good that you are going to therapy and I encourage you to continue to find a way to change your views. It will hurt every relationship you are in if you don't figure it out. I've been married for 11 years, my hubs and I both look different than we did in our 20's, but we are active and still love each other and each other's bodies. He's loved me through fat and thin, I gained 65 lbs in my 2nd pregnancy and he still said how sexy I was. I hope you can get past your issues, because I can't see anyone sticking around long term if they are being made to feel badly about themselves.0
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