i've had a emotional affair

IsThatMe
IsThatMe Posts: 2
edited September 29 in Chit-Chat
Wasn't sure where to post this...
I started on this site in hopes to maintain the weight that i have lost. I was on another site for a while that was extremely helpful. I will be closing that account I think because I can no longer see one of my 'friends'. You see, I have fallen in love with one of them. Yes, literally. I didn't ever expect something like this would happen. TO ME?!! I am the smart girl. I am strong. I KNOW who I am, what I want. I can't be fooled by a man.... I am married. I have grown kids. Yet somehow I have fallen in love with a stranger online. It was a whirlwind relationship that escalated very quickly. He called me cutie, sweetie, honey, smokin' hot, beautiful, gorgeous, funny, and even super sexy. ... I didn't think that I would be the kind of girl that would 'fall' for something like that. He says he loves me. Not that it matters- Yet here I am. My husband found out of course. He blew up, threatened to leave. Actually DID leave for the night. He decided that he would stick with me and we would work it out. Seeing a thereapist next week. That would have been struggle enough. However, I needed to talk to my 'friend' again. After promising to not. I contacted him again- the husband found out again... (duh!) Now he (husband) has gone again. I have no idea what to do, I've been with him for half my life. I know it sounds stupid but i couldn't 'let go' of the internet guy yet. I needed to be with him... I can't explain why. Since the second blowup with the husband, I now have decided that i must not have communications with internet guy, but I do need some sort of closure. I DO LOVE him. I know that I cannot love them both and obviously, the husband wins. I had no intentions of falling in love, connecting so deeply or being charmed by a stranger... I have no idea how it happened. Nor did i have any intentions or dilussions of marriagethe likes. He did make me feel good, and I am dying to talk to him. I (for now) have decided that I will use this blog as a journal of things that I WOULD say to him or to my husband if I could. Sometimes it's easier to write things down than to say them out loud... So for now, I will try to not use food as my crutch and I will use my running as an outlet. I will journal my feelings as they come  and hopefully survive this mess that I have created... More than THAT, I pray that my marriage will be saved and that somehow my husband can get past this and we can live happily ever after....I can't wonder if I was somehow duped by the internet guy and that he wanted what 'all' guys want, then he'd throw me away and move on to the next girl... makes me sad really. How could I get attached to a 'screen name'?? Thinking therapy may help. Hoping my marrage is salvagable.. I guess we'll find out where that 'strong girl' inside of me is..
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Replies

  • ckmama
    ckmama Posts: 1,668 Member
    good luck with everything, you know this is a public topic/forum, not a blog, I guess.

    Remember things done or said over email, chat, IM's, and forums can't always be taken literally. It is very hard to read someone's true emotion into writing. Try to focus on the real life you have and know that we all have hard times.
  • brit49
    brit49 Posts: 461 Member
    em!! will read later
  • NKF92879
    NKF92879 Posts: 601 Member
    Everyone makes mistakes. It is not our mistakes that show our true character, but the lengths to which we'll go to rectify a situation. Stay strong, take the counseling seriously, and remember that everything in our lives happens for a reason. :flowerforyou:
  • thor9424
    thor9424 Posts: 40 Member
    Lots of people have "emotional" attachments with things on the internet. Yours just happened to be with someone of the opposite sex. What if that person was a girl? He was making those comments about being sexy and what not, but what if a girl had said them and you needed to hear it. Would you still think that you "cheated" on your husband? Sometimes you need to tell your husband that you need more attention. It is hard to do. I have never had a problem with online friends, but sometimes I think my husband does. I know he is a gamer, but I let him do whatever online and never check on him. He has tons of "friends" online that he has never met, both boy and girl. I know that he is at home in our house and sleeping next to me. Sometimes I think he is just in need of extra attention adn I try to show it more now that he barely gets off the stupid computer!! The internet can be addictive!! Just give yourself someone licensed in therapy to talk to. I truly believe that your husband just feels betrayed because you lied and said you wouldn't talk to this guy again and you did. Good luck!! I will pray about this for you!!
  • kriots
    kriots Posts: 375 Member
    hang in there. sounds like you needed attention from all your progress. talk to your husband. mfp is here for support, but your husband is there for you for life. its easy to type, but its not so easy to actually live a married life. go get help, you dont need this guy, i'm sure he thinks other girls are cute, sexy, and so on. wish you the best.
  • Seanb_us
    Seanb_us Posts: 322 Member
    My thoughts are these.

    1) Decide if you want to keep your husband and marriage.

    If the answer is "no," then divorce and move on and do whatever you like with the online stuff.

    If the answer is "yes," then:

    2) Drop the online guy immediately.

    Sean
  • iAMaPhoenix
    iAMaPhoenix Posts: 1,038 Member
    Bump
  • karensoxfan
    karensoxfan Posts: 902 Member
    ...somehow I have fallen in love with a stranger online. It was a whirlwind relationship that escalated very quickly. He called me cutie, sweetie, honey, smokin' hot, beautiful, gorgeous, funny, and even super sexy. ... I didn't think that I would be the kind of girl that would 'fall' for something like that. He says he loves me. Not that it matters- Yet here I am. My husband found out of course. He blew up, threatened to leave. Actually DID leave for the night. He decided that he would stick with me and we would work it out. Seeing a thereapist next week. That would have been struggle enough. However, I needed to talk to my 'friend' again. After promising to not. I contacted him again- the husband found out again... (duh!) Now he (husband) has gone again. I have no idea what to do, I've been with him for half my life. I know it sounds stupid but i couldn't 'let go' of the internet guy yet. I needed to be with him... I can't explain why. ...

    It sounds like you fell for a LOAD of flattery, and got hooked on it. If you love internet guy, be fair to your husband and let your husband leave. If you love your husband, keep your promise to stop contacting the internet guy. It really is that simple.

    I hope therapy helps you save your marriage, if that's what both you & your husband want to happen.
  • shanolap
    shanolap Posts: 1,204 Member
    I don't mean this to be cruel...BUT I don't think this is the place for something like this.
  • nlfrancis
    nlfrancis Posts: 35
    I have seen things like this happen in the military when I was in. You and this person were on a journey, and you could relate and relied on each other for support - you had each other's backs. You knew that this person would understand your struggles, they could relate to you in a way your husband probably couldn't, or was unable too. The hard part is knowing how to differeniate between real, lasting love, and an emotional bond. It is hard to do. You find yourself drawn to that person when you are struggling because he was there when you struggled before. You need to ask yourself why you can't go to your husband and talk to him about whatever it is you are struggling with. Did you set up the problem so you would be compelled or required to go to your online friend? When people begin to change their lives, and make positive changes and their spouse isn't along for the ride or not a part of those changes, you see things differently. When I went back to college, my ex-husband was mad because I was no longer there for him - I had to study, do homework, take care of the kids and the house - by the time I was close to finishing my degree I realized I had changed, and I no longer knew what it meant to be his wife so I asked him for a divorce. It was hard because I loved him, but I was unhappy, and all of a sudden "enlightened". Take a step back, take a deep breath, and go to counseling - you will be surprised by what you learn about yourself, and this other relationship. I hope and pray that you and your husband are able to work through this and come out stronger :-)

    Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!
  • MyJourney11
    MyJourney11 Posts: 97
    You have to be leary of people you meet online. They aren't always who they appear to be. I hope counseling helps you work through this. I can't imagine how your husband must feel. It will take him time so be patient.
  • BabyDuchess
    BabyDuchess Posts: 353 Member
    With age comes wisdom, with wisdom comes the realization that the grass is usually NOT greener on the other side. When a relationship is new everything seems wonderful but you don't really know this person other than what he/she wants you to know and that's very scary. Of course this is just my 2 cents worth but you posted in a public forum so I'm assuming you want to discuss it? :flowerforyou:
  • TinaS88
    TinaS88 Posts: 817 Member
    I so do not want to be judgmental but you have to leave that guy alone! You are a married woman! You made a promise to your husband under God that you wouldn't do such a thing!! Imagine how hurt he is.

    As a married woman myself, I am not perfect. I found myself on facebook a year ago talking to an 'old friend' from way forever ago.. It brought back a lot of feelings and things I shouldn't have been feeling. I knew immediately it was wrong. You can't help what your heart wants to do. But one thing I noticed is that the "friend" would talk to me and be interested in knowing things my husband wasn't... we had a lot of common interests and got a long great. The emotional connection I couldn't get from my husband I had found elsewhere. But then I thought " how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot". He would be hurt!

    I think you are finding a connection with this guy because your husband isn't doing something that you need. If you truly love your husband and wan to work things out with him, you HAVE to cut this other guy out. Then sit down with your husband and talk with him! Let him know how you feel! What you need/want!! If things like being called those cute little names excite, tell him you NEED that type of connection..

    All in all, we all make mistakes and at least it didn't get any farther. I really hope you are able to work everything out in your marriage.
  • Brandicaloriecountess
    Brandicaloriecountess Posts: 2,126 Member
    I think you need to drop the online guy and focus on your husband. When someone is online you get only the best of them. When they are in a bad mood, stressed etc you don't have to deal with that. It is easy to idealize the online guy because you get the best parts of him, not the whole person.
  • shesblossoming
    shesblossoming Posts: 426
    Maybe what you fell in love with was what you've been wanting for other people to see in you. That you are sexy and beautiful and wonderful. Sometimes in people we see things that we want out of the world, and we fall in love with them because they symbolize all the things that could be. It sounds strange, I know. But we tend to gravitate towards the things that maximize our feeling of self-worth, even if they could make other relationships crumble. I know very little about your relationships, and I don't mean to generalize at all, but it's what I'm gathering from what you're writing. I think therapy with your husband is your best bet. Opening up communication with him will help you learn if your relationship will make it further. Good luck.
  • bunchesonothing
    bunchesonothing Posts: 1,015 Member
    Please no offense, but do you find something missing with your current husband that this person seems to fill? If so, work on what is missing. He could do for you, possibly, what the other man did.
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,032 Member
    It was a whirlwind relationship that escalated very quickly. He called me cutie, sweetie, honey, smokin' hot, beautiful, gorgeous, funny, and even super sexy. ... I didn't think that I would be the kind of girl that would 'fall' for something like that. He says he loves me.
    Oh Boy! Do those words ever sound familiar, I imagine many of us have heard those very words online when someone finds a needy person.

    There are many gullible people on sites and just as many people that pretend they really care but who knows who you're even talking to.

    I agree staying completely out of ANY contact with this person is the very best thing you could do, whether your marriage stays together or not, it's simply not always the way to meet someone.

    I think if a person is married, another that really cares would show respect, that doesn't sound like what that "wonderful, amazing Internet guy" of yours did much of...

    Yes, and I agree with the poster that suggested this is NOT perhaps the most proper places to pull others in, you will hear from many other members from both sides of the fence. When one posts on a public forum they open themselves up to that.
  • evexlyn
    evexlyn Posts: 2 Member
    Good luck. From what I see (I don't claim to be an expert - this is just my opinion) you found something in this internet guy that you didn't find in your husband. The flattery and compliments that made you feel good about yourself... chances are you aren't getting these from your husband any more, so you clung to some guy on the internet.

    I hate to say this, but you were being foolish. To let your emotional attachment to a guy you don't even know because he told you you were smokin, hot, etc. go so far... that was a mistake. We all make mistakes, and we learn from them. But to contact him after you promised your husband you wouldn't? Are you sure you truly love your husband? You betrayed his trust by doing that, and you have to do more than just hope that he won't leave you. You have to show him that you mean what you say (I hope you do) and work to slowly rebuild his trust in you again. Also, crush any thought that the guy on the internet was being genuine or any hope that you can continue your correspondence with him. It's not worth losing your marriage over.

    Go to a marriage therapist and take the sessions seriously. I truly hope they help you. Also, do you best to not think of what you would say to the internet guy... at this point, you shouldn't be saying anything to him at all.
  • shonasteele
    shonasteele Posts: 473
    Are you sure you're really in love with him (cuz I personally don't think you can REALLY love someone you've never met but that's just my opinion) OR are you in love with the attention and support you get from him surrounding your lifestyle change? (I assume you're making lifestyle changes or you wouldn't be on this site.) I'm guessing that maybe you're not getting that kind of attention from your hubby anymore and that you feel new and special with this new person and that is what you're really craving because it makes you feel great.

    Maybe try exploring this avenue of thought for a while and consider this possibility... If your husband gave you all the support and encouragement and attention that this new person has been, would you fall in love with him all over again? If so, you need to tell him that that's what you need to feel good about yourself so you can be in your marriage 100%.

    Again, this is just an opinion, but I'd guess that this is more about someone fulfilling a need within you (attention, feeling beautiful & sexy, feeling supported, etc) than about actually being "in love". I think you're in love with how YOU feel about yourself with the spark of a new relationship and a big self-esteem boost (and rightfully so cuz those are great feelings) so you need to look at the big picture and decide if your marriage is worth saving and if you can both work together to help you feel better in your current life rather than hiding in a 'virtual relationship'.

    Good luck!
  • KBrenOH
    KBrenOH Posts: 704 Member
    My thoughts are these.

    1) Decide if you want to keep your husband and marriage.

    If the answer is "no," then divorce and move on and do whatever you like with the online stuff.

    If the answer is "yes," then:

    2) Drop the online guy immediately. Delete everything you have that reminds you of him, the emails, the cute pictures, the texts, the everything. You need to get over that relationship and scrubbing your life clean of the memories is a good way to start.

    3) Because the online relationship has no closure, you are going to feel ... pain ... for a while. Be prepared for that AND do not go back.

    4) Repeat: as hard as it is, be DONE with the online guy. It is the only way.

    5) Talk seriously with your husband about reconciliation. Talks should include what you think the online guy did that your husband fails to do ... the reason you were drawn to the online guy whilst you were still in a relationship with your husband. I would guess there is a need to be met.

    6) Understand your husband does not trust you any more. You own this. You earned it. You must rebuild that trust.

    7) Repeat: as hard as it is, be DONE with the online guy. It is the only way.

    8) With effort and time towards reconciliation with your husband, including honest talks and identifying what drew you away, you should be able to patch this up.

    9) Seeing a therapist might help. A neutral third party to help you and your husband understand what happened, why, where you are, and how to move forward might be very helpful.

    My thoughts, anyway. I am not a therapist or in any way trained to give this advice, so take it with lots of salt.

    And, good luck achieving what you choose!

    Sean


    I couldn't agree more with what Sean said. He is absolutely correct on what you should do.

    It's a tough situation to be in and I'm sorry it's happened. Please know you're not alone in your mistake; there are countless others out there that have been in that same boat.
    Best of luck to you friend and keep your chin up.
  • Heather75
    Heather75 Posts: 3,386 Member
    My advice is for you to talk to one of your friends. No one here can advise you - we don't know you or your husband and have never seen you interact.
  • bachooka
    bachooka Posts: 719 Member
    My husband had an affair a few years ago and then one that was an emotional affair shortly after that. We had just had our first child together and it was a big transition period for our lives. (it had been going on for a while before, while I was pregnant I'm sure). It will be a part of your life together FOREVER! It is very difficult to forgive someone for that type of betrayal, and it takes a lot of work and you both need to be equally commited to it. I still have days (5 years later) where I just can't look him in the face without wanting to knock his lights out. We talked about counselling but didn't end up doing it due to cost, if you can afford it... GO!

    It's tough, you need to earn back your husbands trust and that will not happen easily. I love my husband very much, but that thought is always there. It will be a much harder journey for your husband than it will be for you and ultimately you need to let him make the final decision because he is the betrayed one.

    If the relationship ends that will be sad, but sometimes things like that happen. I wish you the best of luck!
  • anna_lisa
    anna_lisa Posts: 486 Member
    I don't want to be blunt or insensitive. But I hope you recognize the important questions to ask yourself... Nobody just "falls" into these situations. I hope you ask .

    What were you lacking from yourself (not your marriage or your husband, cause really this has to do with you) that made you suceptable to the circumstance?
    Are you in love with the person or the fantasy of the person, after all in "real life" could be totally different?
    It is a situation that you created.


    I hope that you are able to find your happiness and not hurt or hurt others in the process.
    Life and Happiness is truely about choice and the choices you make.

    Please I am not passing negative judgements on you. Life is also about redemption and growth, available to ALL. I just think it is TRUELY important to look at these situations with COMPLETE honesty. Without truth we are all in the dark.
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    its nice to hear those things sometimes BUT when faced with temptation RUN LIKE HELL!
  • anna_lisa
    anna_lisa Posts: 486 Member
    I truely do wish you happiness and a light in the dark. We are all capable of saving ourselves. I also hope you know you are not alone.
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    A lot of people have made the same mistakes you're making.

    A lot of people have ended up alone and miserable for the same mistakes you're making.

    So when you say you "need" or "needed" to communicate with your mistake (because that's what he is) keep in mind that all those words convey are excuses.

    I'm not going to demean you by giving you "advice" because you obviously know what needs to be done. All I can say is: IF you're husband gives you a THIRD chance - do what you actually need to do.
  • anna_lisa
    anna_lisa Posts: 486 Member
    A lot of people have made the same mistakes you're making.

    A lot of people have ended up alone and miserable for the same mistakes you're making.

    So when you say you "need" or "needed" to communicate with your mistake (because that's what he is) keep in mind that all those words convey are excuses.

    I'm not going to demean you by giving you "advice" because you obviously know what needs to be done. All I can say is: IF you're husband gives you a THIRD chance - do what you actually need to do.

    AMEN to that. The truth hurts sometimes. But the truth is the truth and you can't run or hide from it
  • iAMaPhoenix
    iAMaPhoenix Posts: 1,038 Member
    Wasn't sure where to post this...
    I started on this site in hopes to maintain the weight that i have lost. I was on another site for a while that was extremely helpful. I will be closing that account I think because I can no longer see one of my 'friends'. You see, I have fallen in love with one of them. Yes, literally. I didn't ever expect something like this would happen. TO ME?!! I am the smart girl. I am strong. I KNOW who I am, what I want. I can't be fooled by a man.... I am married. I have grown kids. Yet somehow I have fallen in love with a stranger online. It was a whirlwind relationship that escalated very quickly. He called me cutie, sweetie, honey, smokin' hot, beautiful, gorgeous, funny, and even super sexy. ... I didn't think that I would be the kind of girl that would 'fall' for something like that. He says he loves me. Not that it matters- Yet here I am. My husband found out of course. He blew up, threatened to leave. Actually DID leave for the night. He decided that he would stick with me and we would work it out. Seeing a thereapist next week. That would have been struggle enough. However, I needed to talk to my 'friend' again. After promising to not. I contacted him again- the husband found out again... (duh!) Now he (husband) has gone again. I have no idea what to do, I've been with him for half my life. I know it sounds stupid but i couldn't 'let go' of the internet guy yet. I needed to be with him... I can't explain why. Since the second blowup with the husband, I now have decided that i must not have communications with internet guy, but I do need some sort of closure. I DO LOVE him. I know that I cannot love them both and obviously, the husband wins. I had no intentions of falling in love, connecting so deeply or being charmed by a stranger... I have no idea how it happened. Nor did i have any intentions or dilussions of marriagethe likes. He did make me feel good, and I am dying to talk to him. I (for now) have decided that I will use this blog as a journal of things that I WOULD say to him or to my husband if I could. Sometimes it's easier to write things down than to say them out loud... So for now, I will try to not use food as my crutch and I will use my running as an outlet. I will journal my feelings as they come  and hopefully survive this mess that I have created... More than THAT, I pray that my marriage will be saved and that somehow my husband can get past this and we can live happily ever after....I can't wonder if I was somehow duped by the internet guy and that he wanted what 'all' guys want, then he'd throw me away and move on to the next girl... makes me sad really. How could I get attached to a 'screen name'?? Thinking therapy may help. Hoping my marrage is salvagable.. I guess we'll find out where that 'strong girl' inside of me is..

    No pass here Babygirl:
    Everyone who knows me on this site knows I am one of the most supportive persons when it comes to healthy living and losing weight. You, little girl, are in the wrong place. You have sinned before God and have betrayed your husbands trust and now you want us to pray for you, or to validate your feelings. Child please!!! You made your bed, now you gotta lie in it, or get the hell out and fix it. You are right to refer to yourself as a girl, because this is what kids do. Real married WOMEN who value their family and believe in their vows they made before God don't fall for crappy internet BS from starngers they meet in a chatroom or forum. Your husband forgave you once, and you still had the damn nerve to do the same thing again. How brazen!!! That showed him then where your mind is. You live in a fantasy world that "Internet Guy" has created for you. Get REAL and come back to earth where people have real problems and learn how to fix them.

    I feel bad for your husband, who you have spent half your life with. I am very curious as to whether this is the first "Internet affair" you have had on him. Usually by the time you are caught, you have gotten away with it several times. That is what built up your nerve to get careless. I also feel sad for your children, who have you for a role model. How low is your self esteem that you need some virtual stranger to say "cutie, sweetie, honey, smokin' hot, beautiful, gorgeous, funny, and even super sexy" to you, and you are soaking wet between the thighs. I hope your husband forgives you, but blame yourself if he doesn't.

    I do have a solution for you however if you are still reading. Get rid of the internet at your home. Get rid of any smartphone you have. If "Internet Guy" has your phone number, you need to change it. Lose his number if you have that. Go find your husband, whereever he may be, dressed in the most F*&K me attire you can find and put it on him like you never have before. If you have to , fake a few Big Os along the way. Whisper in his ear that no "Internet Guy", can make you feel like that, and that you are sorry. As men, we are simple creatures and as long as there is sex involved, we will listen. If you have to meet him at his job when he gets off, the parking lot is a good place to start. Nothing gets the conversation going like having to answer to the inlaws how come you need bail money for indecent exposure. He is upset, but he still loves you. Your man is out there, and you better go get him, before he starts looking up "Internet Girl". Good Luck to you and may you become the Woman you should be.

    E.
  • sbrown6
    sbrown6 Posts: 334 Member
    unplug your computer and throw it out the window
  • ShaeDetermined
    ShaeDetermined Posts: 1,525 Member
    I don't mean to sound harsh, but u put it out there, so I will offer my opinion.

    If you truly love your husband and want him back you should not be blogging or posting about it.
    Shut down mfp, fb, myspace and whatever social networking sites you belong to. These aren't places for you.
    You should bury this (very foolish) chapter of your life and work on getting your man back.
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