about to give up, losing my motivation n ab to break up w ahole bf

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desireeharper1
desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
in Motivation and Support
I just got back on my diet n have taken it very strictly at 1200 cals a day or less, but I'm really wanting to give up on my diet bc I'm about to break up w my financially sumtimes helpful but fulltime jerk bf. I didn't date for 13 yrs after a painful breakup but this guy won my heart w his personallity, not my physical type but I grew to love him n he's always rude or yelling at me then blames me for his bad behavior. I really am attached tho n he thinks I'm sexy even this big but he's pushing my heart away daily. Makes me want to say f it with it all including this stressful anxiety diet.
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  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
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    if hes rude and yells and blames you for his behavior he is abusive. you have to make the choice and do whats best for you either lose the BF or the weight,do both.or you can stay with a jerk and be overweight and unhappy. the choice is yours and yours alone
  • desireeharper1
    desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
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    Between living w my uncaring parents, working for no money, bipolar anxiety, n lows, he was the only person n my life I had to turn to but he's hurt my heart for so long there's nothing happy about us together but I feel the fit guys I'm attracted to won't want me untill I'm n shape, n I have nothing but a job I hate w little pay, tho I'm down on med leave now bc of my back, n w/o him I literally have not one person to call, no friends.. got rid of them a yr ago bc they were trouble. Very sad n lonely tonight.
  • Debster634
    Debster634 Posts: 53 Member
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    You don't need to be on the receiving end of this guy's abuse - it's not bad behaviour, but verbal abuse. The more you put up with, the worse it will get. Get out while you can. The stress is preventing you from commiting to your goals.
  • desireeharper1
    desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
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    Krisstastic u r fit n beautiful n surely have a parent, bf, or friend to turn to. I'll b alone n slip into a depression wo a person n my real life to turn to. I've been suicidal n almost died on purpoe twice before from bipolar lows mixed w heartache n I'm scared to go back there. No one I want will want me at this weight. I feel so alone n sad.
  • desireeharper1
    desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
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    Charlie I've had an abusive x husband n when he slapped me I reflexively punched back, busted his lip, n moved out. I told my guy yelling is verbal abuse n he can't blame me for it but he said if I wldnt nag him, which he considers every question nagging I wldnt make him do it. Which is crap. I don't yell at him so he can man up n tone it down to an adult communication. I'm just scared to literally go day after day not speaking to nyone wo him.
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
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    if you feel bad about yourself at this weight are you going to feel good at a smaller weight? I really thing you need to see a therapist,someone you can talk to who will help you with your self esteem as well.you need to work on you,things wont get better until you work on you and realizing that your bf will never change no matter how much you do
  • desireeharper1
    desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
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    Krisstastic I wasn't saying ur journey was easy or u had support, I just said u r beatiful which was meant as a complment. I myself lost 80# n '14 by cutting cals. I'm n a bipolar low n just had it out with my for now bf n was looking for support.
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
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    desireeharper1 wrote: »
    Charlie I've had an abusive x husband n when he slapped me I reflexively punched back, busted his lip, n moved out. I told my guy yelling is verbal abuse n he can't blame me for it but he said if I wldnt nag him, which he considers every question nagging I wldnt make him do it. Which is crap. I don't yell at him so he can man up n tone it down to an adult communication. I'm just scared to literally go day after day not speaking to nyone wo him.

    well you know that his behavior isnt tolerable and to say you wont have anyone to talk to without him is bull sure it may same seem your somehow safer with him,but there are people out there you can talk to.you may not have anyone close, but there are always people out there. go out and make some new friends,get a hobby and find others who like to do the same thing.if you are holding on to him just because you wont have anyone to talk to or you are afraid to be alone is something you need to change.you dont need a man or anyone else,especially if they are going to treat you badly abuse is abuse.Id rather be alone and not have anyone to talk to than to stay with a man who is abusive in anyway. but like I said you need to see someone it could help you out in many ways.
  • desireeharper1
    desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
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    Thank u jgnatca. We live apart but have been trying to move in to our own place but that dream may b over. Charlie, I have no insurance and can't affford a therapist, but at my ideal weight which I got to before I got on a med that blew me up, I was happy w my self image n felt attractive n confident. This body doesn't feel like it belongs to me n it lowers my self image n esteem. I guess u all, mostly, have reminded me I deserve to diet for my own confidence n a healthy self i.mage. I'm just kind of an all or nothing personality n afraid to gain ny or stop losing by eating more than 1200 a day. I'll keep on it n I sent him a text that he's pushed me away n needs to fix it if he wants me to stay. Either way I won't feel good being intament with him or nyone else tll I lose at least 20# to start.
  • MissMonicaC4
    MissMonicaC4 Posts: 279 Member
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    You need to be in a right frame of mind. Take care of you until things settle. Eat at maintanence maybe and exercise for the feel good dopamine it gives. Take it one day at a time. And negativity will make you feel lower than the actual situation. Im sorry but if you believe your fun and cute and a loving stable partner you can "get" someone who may be fit. If you think all you deserve or can get are low lives and my life sucks this and that then it will suck. Positivity my friend. Reinforce it!!
  • desireeharper1
    desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
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    Thank u monica and those that have msgd me. I'm deciding to use my stubbornness to not let that yelling verbally abusive rude man derail me from my goals after hearing u all care. I'll b damned if I let him mess this up for me. The ball is n his court, change now or I'm gone but I won't quit over him, but the lonliness n how attached to him I am scares me a lot bc my bipolar lows r triggered by things like this n having just that one person to call n text w all the time helps.
  • desireeharper1
    desireeharper1 Posts: 33 Member
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    Well, I didn't want to speak with my bf so since he's up n bored I found links for anger mngmnt counseling n emailed them to him n he texted me n told me to stop. Ouch. I told him when I get this weight off I'll get the loving relationship I deserve w him or not. I offered him time apart n he wanted it n blamed his temper on me again. I picked a bad time to get fed up tho bc he was going to put his $600 tax return with mine to pay a legal bill due end of june but I can't take his crap till the. I said, c ya whe n I c ya, n I refuse to contact him again first. I won't lie tho I have tears rolling bc I left everyone behind n lost contact bbc I was always tied up w him n w/o him I'll truely have not one person to call n chat n text with. I'm so sad n so let down by him.
  • dreamsofescaping
    dreamsofescaping Posts: 206 Member
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    Desiree I am with the most phenomenal, wonderful, very buff handsome sweet guy like... I cannot even begin to describe how amazing this man is who legitimately loves me and treats me like gold. There is a 55 pound difference between us. (More when we started dating) So it does not matter with size. Love knows no number. Not to be rude, and I am sorry if this is rather blunt but this idea that someone will not like you because of your size is all in your own mind. You are sabotaging yourself with this mentality. You look as though you weigh WAY less than me and you are beautiful, but even though I weigh more than you (by the looks of it) I was able to find true love. I always wanted someone at my heaviest weight because then I knew they would accept me for who I am on the outside before they could get to know who I am on the inside.
    Don't be a train wreck in your own mind and kill your esteem. Get to that mirror lady! GO GO GO!!! Go remind yourself all the things you love about yourself personality wise, and physically!!! :-)
  • cgvet37
    cgvet37 Posts: 1,189 Member
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    Take it from someone who has seen the results of a verbally abusive relationship. Get out now. Or you will only feel worse in the long run. Take care of you first, the rest will fall into place. No one is going to make you happy, if you are not happy with yourself.
  • bhurley100
    bhurley100 Posts: 201 Member
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    desireeharper1 wrote: »
    Between living w my uncaring parents, working for no money, bipolar anxiety, n lows, he was the only person n my life I had to turn to but he's hurt my heart for so long there's nothing happy about us together but I feel the fit guys I'm attracted to won't want me untill I'm n shape, n I have nothing but a job I hate w little pay, tho I'm down on med leave now bc of my back, n w/o him I literally have not one person to call, no friends.. got rid of them a yr ago bc they were trouble. Very sad n lonely tonight.

    ^This^ is depression talking. Making some positive friends on here like you are is a good start:-)

  • AliceAxe
    AliceAxe Posts: 172 Member
    edited April 2016
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    " he's always rude or yelling at me then blames me for his bad behavior." shiftign the blame, gaslighting, narcisisit, run the other way!

    you say you dont want to be alone, honey with someone like that you ARE alone, there is no support for you there, no wonder you feel bad and low self esteme youve got someone like that in your life. you need people close to you who will build you up not tear you down!

    you say you cant get someone fit they way you like , because they will judge you and not have you. When you say you have to have someone already fit, arent you doing the same thing you dont like to others? Perhaps now is the time for self reflection about your own thoughts and views. How about changing your perspective and taking a chance on someone who isnt fit and is a good person in the process like you are and instead then get fit together?

    you say you cant afford a therapist. There are tons of self help books, free articles, meditation, internet support groups like this, where you can meet people and work on your issues yourself.

    you mention uncaring parents. Some use their children as 'scapegoats' . You were drawn to a narcissistic abuser, sounds like you may have been the victim of the same kind of parents. This is where it all starts. I would look into help for the abusive childhood you suffered that lead to your low self esteme.

    Take it from someone who knows first hand. and a tip. give yourself the love you havent been given. nurture your inner child and your body, say all the good things to yourself in the mirror you might say to a dear friend or you wish your boyfriend or parents would have said to you. You are obviously craving love and attention, give it to yourself. because you know all the love you feel and experience realy only comes from inside us that we have to give anyway. And dont let any of these abusive emotional vampires and thieves rob you of your joy anymore.

    take care and wishing you healing

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