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At what point would you say something?

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yesimpson
yesimpson Posts: 1,372 Member
in Debate Club
My friends and I were having a discussion at lunch today which basically boils down to a question of what point it becomes the right thing to do to have a discussion with a loved one about their weight (either a high or low weight, I'm not sure it matters)?

For background: one of my friend's sisters is in a relationship with a lovely man (kind, funny, hard-working, fully supportive of her in everything) who has always been on the heavier side, but in the last year to 18 months has gained another 5-6 stone, bringing him to around 300lbs. He hasn't vocalised anything about this to my friend's sister, but she believes he's started staying in more and getting less involved in hobbies due to pain/discomfort from moving, and it's become commonplace for her to find entire multipacks of cakes/crisps gone overnight, with the wrappers put in the bathroom or garden bin. She feels a bit unsure about bringing anything up in case it sounds accusatory or like she's put off by him physically, but thinks this behaviour needs addressing.

I was fully in support of her bringing it up, as clearly his habits have changed in the last year, but about half of the other people at the table were totally against it. And as I have a habit of sometimes being too direct, I was just curious how others feel about it.

How would you feel bringing this kind of thing up to a partner/family member/close friend? Is it the right thing to do to confront it head on, or let them make their own choices as an adult?
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Replies

  • yesimpson
    yesimpson Posts: 1,372 Member
    edited May 2016
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    NorthCascades wrote: »
    The answer doesn't lie in how many snacks are unhealthy or where the line is between mildly and morbidly overweight. The real question is what your friend's sister's boyfriend responds to. Some (most?) people will get defensive, others won't. For most people it depends how you bring it up, for others, any way of raising the issue is unacceptable, and for still others, it's best to get to the point and not sugar coat things. I think most people have to want to change, though, before they'll realize a change, they won't usually do it just because other people think they should.

    I don't think there's a best way to deal with the situation in general, there's only specific situations that need dealing with, and each of them differently.

    @NorthCascades I think you make a good point. I might well be just viewing the situation through the lens of what I believe I would prefer if I were him - someone to sit me down and talk it through, as I'm not good at opening up unless the topic has already been broached.

    I think the worry is that he's going through something, as suggested by the change of eating/social habits, and if nobody asks he might not get the chance to divulge something he feels better for sharing.

    But of course you never really know someone's relationship/private life/insecurities or anything like that as an outsider, so it's difficult to give advice!
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
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    Do they live together? Does she cook meals for him? Maybe she should prepare healthy meals and snacks for him and try to change his habits.

    It is really a health issue, and he perhaps needs to be told of all the potential dangers he's exposing himself to. Give him the information and let him make the choice between life or death.
  • yesimpson
    yesimpson Posts: 1,372 Member
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    moe0303 wrote: »
    The other thing I wanted to say is: Don't go to him to tell him that he needs to lose weight. He already knows that. He needs a solution. That solution could be a number of different things as each person will react differently, but she should have an idea of solutions that might interest him. Some possible solutions are personal trainers, fitness apps and sites, counseling, Support groups (like OA, FA, etc.) and bariatric physicians. She should present specific action options to him. Then, she should leave him alone about it. He will have to come to the decision to take action on his own. I mean she shouldn't avoid the conversation, but she can't force him into it.

    I like this idea, this is kind of my thinking as well - it feels more positive to approach with a potential solution to the problem, but I guess you have to be pretty confident the other person is likely to respond well to that and not feel pressured. I can also appreciate how someone might feel quite backed into a corner, so, like you say, needs to be tactful and gentle.
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Since his behavior has changed and they are in a close relationship maybe she could speak to him about getting a health check up/depression screening or something along those lines first. There are lots of emotional eaters and it seems like it is hard for them to change when they don't have other tools.
    I would say something to someone close to me who I loved who I felt was in physical/emotional pain or doing themselves harm. Withdrawing from normal activities, eating in secret and gaining large amounts of weight would be concerning. I would bring it up that I knew something wasn't right and offer to just listen or help them find resources to get help.
    NorthCascades wrote: »
    You said he's been staying in a lot more and appears to have lost interest in a lot of things that used to be important to him. Sounds like people are chalking it up to body pains making life more difficult to participate in, and that might be, but it also sounds a lot like depression to me. The junk food wrappers showing up in places like the bathroom also sounds like depression. That's also not an easy thing to bring up, there's a lot of stigma about "mental health" issues which is awful, but that was the first thing that jumped out at me when I read that.

    Yep, this is my concern for my friend's sister's fella. Part of my job is helping support people experiencing a period of poor mental health, and these are the sort of things we see frequently. I think it was the apparent hiding of the wrappers which made her worry her partner was ashamed, which makes the matter difficult to bring up.
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,136 Member
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    Never.

    I tried to help my husband lose weight (he's asked for help from me). He tries for a week and stops. I don't bother with it any longer. He's content to keep eating, being sedentary, and staying on his meds.
  • JaneSnowe
    JaneSnowe Posts: 1,283 Member
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    It would be a hard conversation to have, to hit the right notes of encouragement and support without judgment, but if she loves him she'll want to help him be healthy and be around for a long time. She needs to have a conversation with him but I wouldn't address his weight at all. Instead I would encourage and support him in healthier habits because, if I were in her shoes, not taking responsibility for his own health would be a deal-breaker for me. Some people have mentioned getting him screened for depression. That's a good place to start. And whatever is said, hopefully she can make it clear that it's being said out of love.

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