A Fat, Ugly Bride-to-be
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Congratulations on your engagement! I got married last year at 39 years old in a size 18 wedding dress. I look at the pictures now and yes, there are a few physical 'flaws' that I see in myself, but I focus on how happy we were on that day. And how happy we are every day since. You have a wonderful man who loves you just the way you are. Talk to him about how you're feeling, it might be helpful to see yourself from his perspective. Clearly he thinks you're beautiful and desirable and worthwhile. I know that it helps me to have my husband tell me how much he loves me and has loved me at every weight.2
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I don't mean this to sound the way it's going to come out and I absolutely applaud your goals, however... getting married is supposed to be about celebrating the beginning of your life with the person you love, and you're worried about looking fat in a dress.
Okay... so put off the wedding for a year or so and work on losing weight and getting fit so you'll look hot in the photos.
I'm sorry, I just don't really get the fervor that some people put into the wedding. It's only one day. This is the rest of your life with that special person you love.
So yeah.. now everyone can flame me lol!
Just my humble opinion.
^^^What she said !!!
I got married last year to the absolute love of my life !!! I was a curvier bride...had a custom made strapless dress in black & purple and I have never felt more sexy than I did on my wedding day.
emdeesea - you are SO right !!!! The wedding is about your life with the one you love. I don't get spending thousands of dollars on food, open bar etc etc. To me, that is just about impressing other people. How about impressing yourself? That should count for something. You are right again in saying it's only 1 day. You do all this planning and spend absurd amounts of money for a day that passes by in the blink of an eye.
My husband and I had 13 people at our wedding and that's including ourselves. We got married amongst the mountains and had a beautiful day. We went to a lovely restaurant, had a great supper then headed back to the hotel room where we shared champagne with everyone and had some laughs and made some memories.
cherrypeach1 - your post really concerns me. You have some great goals but to call yourself a cow wrapped up in lace is appalling to me. You are better than that. How do you think your fiancé feels when you talk about yourself that way? Perhaps set a wedding date for just over a year, work on your goals, maybe talk to a professional about how you feel and more importantly WHY you feel this way about yourself.
I wish you all the very best with your wedding plans, your future with the man who loves you and overall, I wish you the best with you1 -
BeYouTiful94 wrote: »Well, first, congrats on your engagement!!
Second, you've set out some great goals!
Third, it all comes from within, and right now, your within is holding you back. We could all tell you that you are NOT old, you are NOT fat, and you ARE beautiful. However, you wouldn't believe it because you've set it in your mind that you are the opposite. My best suggestion here is to buy a journal, and every day write something positive about yourself and your day. And everyday, stand and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You might start off just begrudgingly thinking it. Then you'll happily think it. Then you'll say it aloud but feel awkward. Then you'll say it aloud and smile. Then you'll actually believe it and scream it in the mirror, make a song of it, dance a little. I used to feel badly about myself, and those were my mother's suggestion to me. I found them immensely helpful
This is good stuff...I'll definitely give it a try. Thank you! 1 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »
Just making sure your timeline is realistic with your weight loss goals. Oh and congratulations. I do agree with other posters that your views are somewhat distorted. You should try to see yourself the way your fiancé sees you.0 -
First - would you ever talk about one of your friends the way you are talking about yourself here? I doubt it! You are not "old" (35 isn't old, I know, I am 35, lol). You aren't ugly (your profile pic is proof enough of that!). And while you may not be happy with your size, I wouldn't even count 5'10" and a size 14 as particularly "fat" (I'm 5'7" and was a 14/16 for a long time - what I wouldn't have given for those three extra inches!). I got married at 25 and was heavier than I am now!
I think your goals are sound. The title of your post made me sad - you are getting ready to start a new and exciting chapter of your life. You are in love! Allow yourself to be happy! Nothing wrong with trying to get healthier, but I'll tell you from experience - I don't "feel" any different at a size 6/8 than I did when I was bigger. Losing weight won't fix self esteem issues. Focus on your first two goals primarily. Even "old, fat, and ugly" people are deserving of respect, kindness, and compassion. Whether you meet your goals in time for your wedding or not, you need to start treating yourself at least as well as you'd treat anyone else!3 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »
You have plenty of time to comfortably shed the 30 lbs. If you would like a friend or accountability buddy along the way you are welcome to add me! 2 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »
Stay with your goals now and order a a gown that fits you now (it can be taken in much, much easier than let out). Don't be like other brides-to-be, posting about how to lose 2 dress sizes in a month because they ordered a gown too small.
I don't think you wanting to look thinner/prettier for your wedding is bad. Remember to be patient with your weight loss and stick with the program(s).
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Is that your picture? In your avatar? My god, if that is ugly I am in trouble - if you are ugly, I am hideous.
Also, you can't be old at 35 because then you will have to be old for 50 years. That doesn't make sense. Wait until you are old to be old. I have 13 years on you, getting married next year too, and not planning to be old until I am around 70, 75 maybe.
Fat you may be, but if that's the issue you are in luck because that's the most controllable one of your list of complaints. Lose weight and you won't be fat.
You don't have to wear a traditional floofy dress, either. Wear what you want, what you look good in. I got a $20 white wrap dress off Amazon, looks good, done, don't have to think about it anymore.
Your strategy is sound. Dieting will help you lose fat, and Running + Yoga is what I do, that works great for fitness and keeping muscles, balance and flexibility.
I'm sure your friend was just teasing you, btw. Either that or they aren't a good friend!6 -
Congratulations on the engagement! Can I recommend adding to your list?
Get/stay healthy for a long and happy life with your husband!
If you focus more on the health aspects of working out, eating better, making LIFELONG changes, etc. several things happen. You will feel better about yourself and more importantly, you will be less likely to give it up once you reach your goal (weight, wedding date, size, etc.). I wish I had started working out and eating better when I was 35, but I am so glad I am taking care of myself now. When you are 70 and can dance circles around those so-called friends, you will look back and realize those feelings of inadequacy were wrong, but at least they propelled you to get healthy!
You are awesome! You got this!3 -
Congrats on the engagement! I'm in the same boat as you. I'm 36 and just got engaged over Memorial Day weekend. I have about 35 pounds to lose.
I'm not sure why you think you are ugly. Looking at your profile picture I see a beautiful woman with a gorgeous smile. Is there anything that you love about yourself? Maybe try focusing on those things while you work on improving what you don't like.
Learning how to love yourself now and working on your self esteem and self image will help a lot while losing weight. I'm glad that you see that learning to love yourself is something that you need to work on now instead of thinking that just losing weight will solve everything. Stop the negative self talk and see yourself for who you really are. You can do this!5 -
Ok, lets get real here. You are beautiful no matter the size. You have found your soul mate who loves you as you are and I bet believes you are the most beautiful woman in the world. I've always had a weight problem and it took me a long time to learn that I am beautiful no matter the size. I totally relate to you. I too got engaged later in life. I was engaged at 36, married at 37, baby at 38. I dreaded the whole wedding process of photos and "THE DRESS" AHHHH. That flippin dress motivated me. I joined a kickboxing class and lost 35lbs and 19" for my big day. But more than looking great, I felt great. No I felt accomplished. I finally took control of my destiny and did something about it. I felt beautiful walking down the aisle to my amazing husband who loves me no matter what my dress size. I ate healthier, exercised and saw results. My wedding gown when ordered was a size 18. I wanted to faint when the woman told me the size she was ordering. And because I ordered 6 months out I had to order that size. It left me even more resigned to work my butt off. When I had my alterations done, my dress was down to a size 14. But the wedding dress shopping experience was not as bad as I had made it in my head. It ended up being fun. Go to a shop that has all sizes and be open to trying different things/styles. I never thought I'd end up with a somewhat fitted strapless gown but it accentuated my curves and made me look like I had a super thin waist! You are who you are. Love who you are and more than anything, enjoy your day!!3
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I never want to get married if it means I must lose weight to fit into a dress that I'll never wear again only to look back at the photos with regret, I wish I was skinner/thinner etc...You can lose 75 - 100 lbs and still be unhappy. This is your journey, not everyone else's. So what happens after the wedding? Do we go back to the way we were or do we keep pushing along? Only you can answer that. Congratulation gurl, you're getting married! Truly happy for you, just try and keep in mind that special someone is being affected in some way. Workout together, support one another, work together to achieve your goals. Good luck!2
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I would like to say, your soon-to-be husband fell in love with you the way you are now so I don't think you're as ugly as you think you are :P (I don't think you're ugly either)
Also, I hope the best for you on your new Journey, and looking at your picture I think you would look beautiful in your dress no matter your size. Getting yourself healthier tho, is a great thing.2 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »I used to really berate myself like that... But think about it slightly different... How do you feel about your fiance? Is he ugly? fat? old? If one of your friends talked about him like that or called him stupid or an idiot, would you not "correct" her immediately - or would she still be your friend at all? So.... given that it is doubtful you would stand for someone to talk badly about someone you love, would you put up with it if it were your fiance talking about himself that way? If he constantly talked about how fat, ugly, stupid, old he was? How would you feel knowing that you were with someone fat/old/ugly/stupid? What if he asked you all the time "how can you be with someone so fat/old/ugly/stupid? you could do better. why are you settling for me?!" If you wouldnt let someone else talk that way about him - someone you love, why would you put up with it just because it was him saying it?
So... everytime you call yourself names like that, and talk bad about yourself, you are insulting a person your fiance loves - why should he put up with that from you? I bet he wouldnt if any of his friends said those things about you. Why would you constantly shove in his face that he could do better than you?
Its hard to turn off those thoughts about yourself, but for heavens sake dont say them out load while you are working on getting control of them. You are inviting issues that dont exist for him, and for yourself. Talk about yourself the way you would talk about your best friend - be honest, but KIND especially when giving criticism. And remember, you are talking about someone that other people love - they shouldnt have to hear that.
All of this is just AWESOME...and helps me look at things from a whole different perspective. Thank you for this post.
Glad to help! As for what someone said about talking nice about yourself and you wondering how to go about that... I am a firm believer in "fake it til you make it". TELL YOURSELF you are beautiful, tell yourself and everyone else how lucky you are to be getting married at 35 (I am 45 and never married - finally met someone I truly feel good with so maybe in the next few years?), tell yourself that you may be "curvy" now but you rock it and just think how much better you will look in a few months of toning and eating better! Just keep saying good things! Be honest, but KIND (I need to lose a few pounds, and I am working on that, but DAMN I look good anyway! This shirt makes my shoulders look taller, this dress makes my waist look slimmer, this necklace compliments my hair so well, etc).
I used that also to lose weight by the way - if someone offered me food at work or family things (my family are hte WORST food pushers EVER), I would parrot the phrase "No thanks, I am not hungry" - automatically, without thinking about it. And I'll be damned if it didnt start actually becoming true! One day I realized - I really wasnt hungry!
If you want to be a version of yourself that is prettier, thinner, happier, more confident - ACT LIKE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE, and you will become that person. If you weigh 175 and you want to weigh 150, act like (eat like) a person who weighs 150 and you will get there (because eating to support 150 pounds version of yourself is a deficit for the 175 person of yourself). When you get closer to 150, eat like a version of yourself that weighs 140! If you want to be happier in life - SMILE all the time, every person you meet greet with a smile. Force yourself to laugh when things go wrong. I promise, it gets way easier over time because it becomes true
Good luck to you!!
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Cherry,
I totally understand how you feel. I have felt that way for a very long time. My husband says he loves me and the way I look, he says I am not fat or ugly but I feel like I am.
I myself am trying to erase this mentality. I understand how hard it can be and if someone told you that in the past, I get that too. I am almost 40 now and say I need to change my thinking, I am now doing that. The only thing I can recommend is do what makes you feel good. I have just started exercising and I feel great (sore but great) after working out.
There are many programs that can help you "lose weight" if you feel that is what you need to do and they don't feel like exercising. I won't advertise them on here as I am assuming maybe it is a conflict. Let me know in a PM if you are interested. We can try and be eachothers support
MOST OF ALL ENJOY YOUR UPCOMING NUPTIALS!!1 -
I am getting married this summer, and while I am continuing to strive to be more healthy with my eating and moving habits that I had started before getting engaged, I'm trying not to get too caught up in worrying about how I will look in pictures. Whenever I am tempted to try to start a super restrictive plan, or beat myself up for not being thinner yet, I tell myself that on my wedding day (and always) "I am a whole, beloved person." Try looking at wedding sites like the offbeat bride - they show real weddings that give people permission to be themselves on their wedding day - their personality and joy shining through make them so much lovelier than dropping 10 more lbs ever would have!
Don't look back on this time as starving and denegrading yourself! It's about preparing for beginning a lifetime of love - start it by loving yourself!!!1 -
The women I've known who were engaged and in love, glowed. After all, there's a man who finds her beautiful, who dreams of spending the rest of his life with her. Is there something wrong with your fiancee where you somehow, at size fourteen and thirty-five, feel old, fat and ugly?
If there's nothing wrong with him, why are you stepping in to a marriage when you don't feel beautiful and worthwhile? He deserves a confident woman. You deserve to step in to the marriage confident, beautiful, and at the top of your game. Feeling beautiful is 90% confidence. I'm betting you could rock the Michelle Obama look, no problem.- Get the dress in your current size. Get some great support from the salon staff, to find a dress that flatters you. Take your time and allow yourself to be pampered.
- You will never, ever again in my presence - and I am watching - will call yourself ugly ever again.
- Make a list of your five top features now. At least three times before the wedding day, add to that list until you have twenty top features. After the first time, you can ask for a good friend's help, or even your fiancee. I am betting there's lots about you he finds irresistible.
- Make a list of women you admire who have the same general build as you. Write down what makes these woman beautiful, confident, and worthwhile.
- Love yourself now, love yourself in your trimmer self the day of the wedding.
- About a week before the wedding, get the dress taken in to your new shape.
- Hire a good photographer.
- On the day of the wedding, let your bridesmaids fuss with your makeup and your dress. You focus on the great guy waiting for you at the end of the aisle and your vows to each other. That will give you that extra glow.
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well I think you are very pretty and being sz 14 at 5'10 doesnt sound fat to me just tall nothing wrong with that either. I think we all have things that we don't always like about ourselves only to find out later looking back it wasn't all that bad. Maybe you just have the wedding jitters and your being way to hard on yourself. Try looking at yourself the way others see you, if others (as well as your fiance) are telling you your beautiful then you are! congrats on your new life. 2
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Congrats, and girl work on your self-esteem. Sheesh. You're not old. I'm 38, and I don't think I'm old. You're definitely not ugly, and at a size 14 and 5'10, you're not fat. Work on loving yourself and meeting *small* weight loss goals. You're getting married, so you can see someone else already loves you as you are.4
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OP, you are none the those things. You are a beautiful, young woman and definitely not fat. You will be a beautiful bride and your groom loves you, that is all that matters. If you would like to lose a few pounds before the big day, go for it, you can do it. Take the pictures, you will be a beautiful bride. Congrats & best wishes.1
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cherrypeach1 wrote: »
Is this really possible? Any tips on how to go about doing this? Books or websites that can guide me? I would love to TRULY believe that I am beautiful and worthwhile...that would be so amazing!sarahlifts wrote: »Say good things about yourself until you believe them!
Yes fake it until you make it.
You create your world with 2 words.
I AM. I believe I Am are the 2 most powerful words one can use.
You are whatever you say you are, time to start saying, I am well, I am healthy , I am beautiful, I am worth my weight in gold, I am successful, I have a great marriage
There are def some self help books out there you can read3 -
First of all...congratulations on the engagement! I'm 32 and still single, but I can understand where you are coming from with your emotions regarding getting married and not being happy with how you look. You are beautiful and weight is something that can always be corrected. Keep working at the weight loss, and gain some confidence back. I'm sure you'll look stunning anyway. You have great goals you're working towards and I'm sure some of that confidence will start to appear as you see your own dedication and progress.0
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Before you think about spending the rest of your life with one person, get some help so you can enjoy spending time with yourself. I would seriously consider counselling - you are 35 - not a teenager anymore, but definitely too old to doe the "oh woe me" for the fun and attention of it... Please get some help.....3
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I'm looking at your profile pick, and girl, you're not ugly. You are very good-looking. And you certainly aren't old. I just turned 33 this week and I'll be damned if anyone is going to say I'm "old".
We may not be 19 anymore, but being in our thirties does not make us "old".
Obviously, if this man is intending to propose, he does not consider you old, fat and ugly. Try seeing yourself through his eyes. It might make you feel a bit better.
Congrats on the engagement!0 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »I'm officially engaged. At 35 years old...it's about freakin' time. I'm happy to be engaged to a wonderful man, BUT, I'm dreading the wedding process. Why? Because I'm old, fat and ugly. I'm not looking forward to taking engagement/wedding photos. I'm not looking forward to buying a size 14 wedding dress (I'm 5'10")--so I can look like a cow wrapped up in lace. I'm not looking forward to looking back at my wedding photos and remembering how terrible I looked during what should be the happiest time in my life. I wish I would have gotten married when I was in my twenties--i.e.: 30 lbs lighter and loads prettier.
I was talking to my friend today and she was asking me about engagement photos and I told her I didn't want to have any memories of looking like this because I'm fat, old and ugly. And her response to that was: "You're not old."
In other words, I am fat and I am ugly.
I can't do much about the ugly...but I (theoretically) can do something about the fat--not for the wedding, but for myself. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed of my appearance. I'm so tired of feeling miserable everyday because I can't stand the reflection in the mirror.
Things I plan to do starting today:
1. Learn to love myself for who I am--regardless of my appearance
2. Work on having a more positive attitude
3. Weigh/track everything I eat and stay at or under my calorie goal
4. Exercise 5-6x per week (running, weights, yoga)
5. Stay consistent and don't listen to the excuses my mind makes to fall off track
Any other feedback will be greatly appreciated.
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Girl you are anything but Ugly! Your beautiful! If you want to drop weight healthy start eating healthy protein (chicken, fish) and veggies with healthy fats. Ditch the white carbs for a while and watch the sodium. Those two will kill any weight loss. Drink lots of water! If your hungry eat more protein. 5'10" and size 14 you are anything but fat. Find a dress that compliments your shape, the worst thing you can do is squeeze into a dress and have everything hang out the sides and that is no matter if you are a size 6 or a 14. Love yourself. Your very hard on yourself and that will kill any of your small scale or non scale successes.
Remember, god doesn't make trash.
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she800hunter2014 wrote: »Remember, god doesn't make trash.
I love that line and I intend to steal it.1 -
gurrrrrrrrl please. you're not old, fat OR ugly. Congratulations on your engagement! I too just got engaged this year and I'm 35 as well. Definitely about stinkin' time. I'm sure everyone else has already said all the things that matter, but I will say this....up until a couple years ago I was hanging around the 300 pound mark, and although as far as I was concerned, there was no upcoming nuptials in my future, I did occasionally think to myself "I'd rather die than wear a white wedding dress and end up looking like the stay puft marshmallow man." - Even now that I'm a size 6 in bridal I actually STILL think that way, thus I got me a champagne colored dress instead. If you haven't already gotten a dress, consider not going stark white. I feel like a little color is more forgiving whether you're trying to mask a bulge here or an excess skin roll there (which is something I'm having to hide a crap tonne of). Also, a wedding photographer friend of mine said ivory, cream, champagne etc are all way easier to photograph than white, so the pictures might end up better too as an added bonus.2
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Well you aren't fat or ugly. I'm a size 16 and 30 years old and getting married as well. When I tried on wedding dresses I found I look a lot smaller in one, they hide a lot. You can also wear under garments that help tuck everything away pretty nicely. I was a little nervous doing full body engagement photos and everyone loved them though.3
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