A Fat, Ugly Bride-to-be
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First congrats! Second, you are not old. I'm 35 too and you just got to a stage in your life for a new you. Not one where your weight will matter as much as you love yourself. You are going to blossom. Open up to new adventures. I saw this video today and I feel that I am finally seeing myself the same way.
https://www.facebook.com/codyapp/videos/1003359086444272/
Thank you so much for sharing this video. It made me tear up...
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Can't really comment on your body composition based solely on your profile pic, but I'll tell you this much:
You are not even REMOTELY old. And you are DEFINITELY not "ugly."
Take my word for it. I'm serious.3 -
Psychology today had a great article on that "inner voice" often guiding how we feel about ourselves way in to adulthood. Is the "inner voice" critical, nasty, and judgmental? Then it's time to replace it with the voice of the parent you never had; one who loves you and accepts you just as you are, and is generous and forgiving when you make mistakes.
http://self-compassion.org/exercise-5-changing-critical-self-talk/
I found a great amount of help in the book, Time Perspective by Zimbardo. I was able to refocus my attention less on the chaotic parts of my childhood and more on the pleasant memories.
P.S. I am in my fifties and I just had my first big successes in weight loss and exercise in the past few years. I continue to put my parenting and childhood in to perspective. So it's never too late.
This is a great website! Thank you so much. I plan to spend some time with this over the weekend and try to apply it. Thanks again.1 -
You are none of those things! Your smile is absolutely radiant! I was also very self conscious in my wedding (I was 28) but you know what almost every compliment I was given on that day was? "I've never seen a happier bride." "You two look so incredibly happy and in love." And when I finally got the pictures back, all I saw was our excited looks and happy smiles.1
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Congratulations on your engagement! #1 Even if you change your eating/exercise habits, do not be discouraged if you don't see a change in your body, even after 2 months. It takes that long for your body to figure out you're not trying to kill it. After 2 months your body says, Hey, I can deal with this, and the weight starts to come off fast. I am 49 and just lost 30 pounds. #2. Change your eating habits FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and DO NOT EVER CHEAT ON YOUR DIET. If you want to cheat, send me a message and I will give you a strict pep talk. You need to eat a lot of protein: eggs, chicken, tuna, turkey, pork loin, whey protein shakes, Oh Yeah protein bars. I eat 150 grams of protein a day as a goal. Limit your carbs to 100 a day - I am down to 70. Acceptable carbs: Whole wheat bread but only 1 slice, brown rice, sweet potatoes (I found frozen sweet potato tater tots!), yogurt, any veggies that are green or orange, but NO corn. Salad dressing is a killer with sugar. Red wine/vinegar is best. Limit your sugar to 35 grams a day. That's the hard part. BE CAREFUL with yogurt and protein bars. Read the Labels for sugar. At 8 pm at night have a Casein protein shake. You don't want to work out heavy and not eat enough protein. Casein is slow release protein, helps your muscles heal and makes you feel full all night. Finally, you MUST drink 2.2 or more liters of water a day. You can get protein powder at any CVS, Walmart, Walgreens. The tastiest is Cookies and Cream by Syntha Phase from Vitamin World at the mall. Use protein shakes to replace a protein serving when you're in a hurry or if you need additional protein to reach your goal. #3. You must do cardio AND weight train. Cardio helps you lose weight. Lifting weights boosts your metabolism and makes you look great and burn more calories. You MUST keep your heart healthy by eating MORE protein if you are going to work out 6 days a week. Otherwise your body takes protein from your heart and puts it in your legs/arms and you have heart problems. #4. Log in every day, your food and exercise. This should be a LIFE CHANGE, not just a diet to get you to your wedding. After 3 months your pants will fall off your waist as you walk and none of your bras/underwear will fit. And you will be really, really happy!1
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I just got married on May 28th and I feel this so much. I had to make a rule for myself that I wasn't going to look at the scale during the month of May because I knew it would just cause me anxiety, so I just focused on trying my best and staying healthy. One really important thing to remember is that wedding dress sizes run RIDICULOUSLY small (I think I was a 12 - I'm 5'6 and 157 pounds), and it's definitely not something to stake your self-esteem on.
Self-esteem is such a tricky thing, especially among people like us who have struggled with weight in such an anti-fat society. For me, it was helpful to speak to a mental health professional about these issues, as I also have a tough time loving myself. Maybe that would also be helpful for you if it's something you struggle with.0 -
first and foremost, like others said, STOP calling yourself old, fat, and ugly. i was the same age as you when i got married, i have NEVER been skinny, and i CERTAINLY don't think i'm ugly. i am shorter than you by a foot, and i had to get a size 14 dress that barely fit.
If you don't change your mindset about yourself, you are setting yourself up for failure to enjoy what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life.0 -
You'll be slim in no time! You're at the right forum, add some friends, watch your calories, cut the sugary and salty junk food, add lots of fibre, and exercise...you'll be fine0
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cherrypeach1 wrote: »
You just want to lose 30 pounds? I did that in a year and since my goals were very conservative - first 1 pound per week and then 0.5 pound per week it wasn't difficult. I just needed to commit to logging every day in MFP.
The reason I started last year was thinking about wedding pictures. I didn't even know engagement pictures were a thing, lol.2 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!
I totally agree...the first 35 years have already been pretty miserable, no need to add anymore years to the tally. Sigh.
You suggest working on my self-esteem before working on my weight loss. Do you think working out and eating right would hinder my ability to work on my self-esteem? I would think that eating right and exercising would help me to feel better about myself, which would in turn help with my self-esteem issues. Or are you more saying that my focus should be on self-esteem with weight loss being a secondary goal? To me they seem to go hand-in-hand.
Yes, they go hand in hand. If you feel better from working out and eating better, you will be more motivated to do the harder work of self-esteem.
Here's a great DVD that can help with negative self talk: You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version. It was available in my library system so perhaps yours as well.1 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »I think learning to love yourself should be your number one goal. Right now your self talk is very negative and I worry that if you aren't 100% on your eating and working out that you are going to beat yourself down further about it. Find confidence and focus on the things you like about yourself. Start working out and focus on what you can do and start building yourself. Appreciate the strength or ability of your body even if you aren't positive about how it looks. Glad you found someone and congratulations on your coming marriage.
That's the problem...I don't know how to love myself. I don't even know what it means to love myself. I've gotten professional help numerous times throughout my life--trust me I've tried so very hard to fix this problem. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully heal from the wounds of my childhood. I don't know how to love myself because as a child I did not experience very much love. I experienced anger, neglect, abandonment and abuse. So that is what is normal to me. It's so sad, but so true.
I have a strong, confident and playful personality. So unless you know me well, you would never guess that I'm insecure about myself. But unfortunately, confidence is only my persona...it's not a true reflection of how I feel about myself deep down. It's good to know that it is possible to love yourself. It makes me sad to realize that I'm such an outlier. I thought everyone struggled with self-esteem issues. But I guess not to the extreme that I do. Not sure where to go from here. I could try to find another psychologist or buy another self-help book, but this path feels pretty hopeless--especially at this point in my life. But that's not going to stop me from trying.
I appreciate all of the wonderful replies to my post. There are a lot of wonderful people on MFP...so grateful for all of you.
First even if it isn't something you are saying out loud, stop beating yourself up or calling yourself names. Interrupt yourself with some sort of statement or affirmation. Also start with small things. Come up with one thing you like about yourself daily. It doesn't have to be physical and can be based on a behavior. I would also look to your fiancé and try to see yourself through his eyes. Try to see in you what he does.
Honestly I struggled a lot with self-esteem issues and really avoided relationships due to them for a long time. What helped me was lifting. It wasn't even the weight loss, but I found my confidence in what my body could achieve. I stopped weighing and measuring myself for a while and just trained to be strong. I found that I loved my determination and each increase in strength made me feel stronger. I still feel more confident in the gym than anywhere else. I can't say that I don't struggle with self esteem still. I still see attractive guys and avoid them because I am sure they are too good for me or sometimes have negative self talk, but most of the time I am really happy with the person I am inside and out. It is a battle many of us struggle with and I would guess that anyone with the childhood you describe surely has to battle harder. I believe you can do it though.3 -
I appreciate all of the wonderful replies to my post. There are a lot of wonderful people on MFP...so grateful for all of you.
I have an idea. Take those words and apply them to you. Say to yourself, "I am a wonderful person, and I am so grateful for you."
Tell yourself this as many times a day as necessary, fake it until you make it, and pretty soon it will be real.
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All that was said is so good. Good people who gave you awesome ideas. If it were me, I would get a nice box from my stash or go to the thrift stores and buy one. Cut up some printer paper into ~8 pieces. Stack up about 50 and sit down and reread all of the comments and suggestions. Write positive statements for the suggestions.
I enjoy being alone with myself.
I love myself enough to give myself the good things I need each day.
My body is young and healthy and can become even healthier.
Each day I plan to do what I need to be healthier than yesterday.
I choose the food I want to enjoy.
I am beautiful and I do things that make me look nice and sometimes only lipstick is enough.
Read the stack and think about the statement
Do it 3x a day for a while. Often as you need to. The brain is like a computer as garbage in garbage out. You have a negative mindset going on. The stack of statements with repetition of positive in will soon have you thinking positive. Positive in, positive out.
Get the idea? Get going. Be positive. I found about 100 ideas as I read the comments. Optimistic.1 -
Oh, make a calendar for some of these things, like the makeup artist. Plan ahead.
I'm 66, and all ages are awesome! I feel like I'm 30. I'm grateful to myself for every day for the good things each day. Happiness is not a illusion. Negative thoughts entertained could be a private he!!. Don't do it for yourself or your nice man who loves you.1 -
After reading your post, I dug out my wedding photographs from 15 years ago. I was happy, in love, and beautiful. I was also a size 16. I thought the dress made me look like an overstuffed marshmallow at the time, but that was my insecurity. It was beautiful.
You are not ugly or fat. The only thing you about you is that negative self - talk. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope you can see the beauty that your fiancée clearly does.
P.S.
You aren't old or fat either.
P.P.S.
Embrace the occasion. You've waited long enough, and you know your own mind. The advantage of being in your 30s is you know who you are, and what you like. Don't like a traditional wedding dress? Wear something you like when if it isn't a "wedding dress ". Love an over the top one with beading and a cathedral train? Go for it. But don't hide from memories that you will cherish as years go by. When you are in your fifties you will wonder why you were so hard on yourself. And you will cherish the pictures and the memories they capture.1 -
The pictures of the dress are only one smart part of the wedding.
The rest of it is about your family and friends coming together to celebrate your union with your future husband.
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Congratulations on your engagement! #1 Even if you change your eating/exercise habits, do not be discouraged if you don't see a change in your body, even after 2 months. It takes that long for your body to figure out you're not trying to kill it. After 2 months your body says, Hey, I can deal with this, and the weight starts to come off fast. I am 49 and just lost 30 pounds. #2. Change your eating habits FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and DO NOT EVER CHEAT ON YOUR DIET. If you want to cheat, send me a message and I will give you a strict pep talk. You need to eat a lot of protein: eggs, chicken, tuna, turkey, pork loin, whey protein shakes, Oh Yeah protein bars. I eat 150 grams of protein a day as a goal. Limit your carbs to 100 a day - I am down to 70. Acceptable carbs: Whole wheat bread but only 1 slice, brown rice, sweet potatoes (I found frozen sweet potato tater tots!), yogurt, any veggies that are green or orange, but NO corn. Salad dressing is a killer with sugar. Red wine/vinegar is best. Limit your sugar to 35 grams a day. That's the hard part. BE CAREFUL with yogurt and protein bars. Read the Labels for sugar. At 8 pm at night have a Casein protein shake. You don't want to work out heavy and not eat enough protein. Casein is slow release protein, helps your muscles heal and makes you feel full all night. Finally, you MUST drink 2.2 or more liters of water a day. You can get protein powder at any CVS, Walmart, Walgreens. The tastiest is Cookies and Cream by Syntha Phase from Vitamin World at the mall. Use protein shakes to replace a protein serving when you're in a hurry or if you need additional protein to reach your goal. #3. You must do cardio AND weight train. Cardio helps you lose weight. Lifting weights boosts your metabolism and makes you look great and burn more calories. You MUST keep your heart healthy by eating MORE protein if you are going to work out 6 days a week. Otherwise your body takes protein from your heart and puts it in your legs/arms and you have heart problems. #4. Log in every day, your food and exercise. This should be a LIFE CHANGE, not just a diet to get you to your wedding. After 3 months your pants will fall off your waist as you walk and none of your bras/underwear will fit. And you will be really, really happy!
None of this is necessary for weight loss. The only thing that is, is a calorie deficit. This is extremely misleading and actually very discouraging for people who see this and can't follow those strict rules. It's best not to give such specific advice. It works for YOU - and that's great! But it won't work for everyone and you shouldn't be telling OP that this is all necessary when you know very little about her.
Your body doesn't hold onto weight in the first two months. If you're not losing in the first few weeks, you are eating too many calories. NEVER cheat? No. Fit the foods you like into your calories (chocolate!) and you won't feel the need to 'cheat'. If it's a special occasion, don't feel bad about splurging, just get back to it the next day. Protein is important, yes, but for most people 150 isn't necessary. Carb limiting is also not necessary. Most people here do not limit carbs to under 100, and lose weight just fine. No need to limit sugar unless you have a medical problem that requires it. That much water is also not necessary - just go by the colour of your urine. If it's a light straw colour, you're good, otherwise go drink some more. Cardio and weight training are recommended, but again not necessary. That stuff about your body pulling protein from your heart is... totally untrue. How could that possibly be true? That would be such bad evolutionary design that we'd possibly be extinct by now.
Good luck, OP! Like others have said, you are not old, ugly or fat. You are beautiful. Your future husband loves you inside and out, enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life by your side. That definitely counts for something! Congrats 2 -
I got married at 37. I am 5'9" and weighed about 250 at that time. When I look at my wedding and engagement pictures, all I see is the love between me and my husband and how happy we were (and still are). I see my dream coming true. I see God's faithfulness in my life. Concentrate on the love, not on yourself.1
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You are old???? LOL!0
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