A Fat, Ugly Bride-to-be
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cherrypeach1 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!
I totally agree...the first 35 years have already been pretty miserable, no need to add anymore years to the tally. Sigh.
You suggest working on my self-esteem before working on my weight loss. Do you think working out and eating right would hinder my ability to work on my self-esteem? I would think that eating right and exercising would help me to feel better about myself, which would in turn help with my self-esteem issues. Or are you more saying that my focus should be on self-esteem with weight loss being a secondary goal? To me they seem to go hand-in-hand.
Yes, they go hand in hand. If you feel better from working out and eating better, you will be more motivated to do the harder work of self-esteem.
Here's a great DVD that can help with negative self talk: You Can Heal Your Life, the movie, expanded version. It was available in my library system so perhaps yours as well.1 -
cherrypeach1 wrote: »I think learning to love yourself should be your number one goal. Right now your self talk is very negative and I worry that if you aren't 100% on your eating and working out that you are going to beat yourself down further about it. Find confidence and focus on the things you like about yourself. Start working out and focus on what you can do and start building yourself. Appreciate the strength or ability of your body even if you aren't positive about how it looks. Glad you found someone and congratulations on your coming marriage.
That's the problem...I don't know how to love myself. I don't even know what it means to love myself. I've gotten professional help numerous times throughout my life--trust me I've tried so very hard to fix this problem. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully heal from the wounds of my childhood. I don't know how to love myself because as a child I did not experience very much love. I experienced anger, neglect, abandonment and abuse. So that is what is normal to me. It's so sad, but so true.
I have a strong, confident and playful personality. So unless you know me well, you would never guess that I'm insecure about myself. But unfortunately, confidence is only my persona...it's not a true reflection of how I feel about myself deep down. It's good to know that it is possible to love yourself. It makes me sad to realize that I'm such an outlier. I thought everyone struggled with self-esteem issues. But I guess not to the extreme that I do. Not sure where to go from here. I could try to find another psychologist or buy another self-help book, but this path feels pretty hopeless--especially at this point in my life. But that's not going to stop me from trying.
I appreciate all of the wonderful replies to my post. There are a lot of wonderful people on MFP...so grateful for all of you.
First even if it isn't something you are saying out loud, stop beating yourself up or calling yourself names. Interrupt yourself with some sort of statement or affirmation. Also start with small things. Come up with one thing you like about yourself daily. It doesn't have to be physical and can be based on a behavior. I would also look to your fiancé and try to see yourself through his eyes. Try to see in you what he does.
Honestly I struggled a lot with self-esteem issues and really avoided relationships due to them for a long time. What helped me was lifting. It wasn't even the weight loss, but I found my confidence in what my body could achieve. I stopped weighing and measuring myself for a while and just trained to be strong. I found that I loved my determination and each increase in strength made me feel stronger. I still feel more confident in the gym than anywhere else. I can't say that I don't struggle with self esteem still. I still see attractive guys and avoid them because I am sure they are too good for me or sometimes have negative self talk, but most of the time I am really happy with the person I am inside and out. It is a battle many of us struggle with and I would guess that anyone with the childhood you describe surely has to battle harder. I believe you can do it though.3 -
I appreciate all of the wonderful replies to my post. There are a lot of wonderful people on MFP...so grateful for all of you.
I have an idea. Take those words and apply them to you. Say to yourself, "I am a wonderful person, and I am so grateful for you."
Tell yourself this as many times a day as necessary, fake it until you make it, and pretty soon it will be real.
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All that was said is so good. Good people who gave you awesome ideas. If it were me, I would get a nice box from my stash or go to the thrift stores and buy one. Cut up some printer paper into ~8 pieces. Stack up about 50 and sit down and reread all of the comments and suggestions. Write positive statements for the suggestions.
I enjoy being alone with myself.
I love myself enough to give myself the good things I need each day.
My body is young and healthy and can become even healthier.
Each day I plan to do what I need to be healthier than yesterday.
I choose the food I want to enjoy.
I am beautiful and I do things that make me look nice and sometimes only lipstick is enough.
Read the stack and think about the statement
Do it 3x a day for a while. Often as you need to. The brain is like a computer as garbage in garbage out. You have a negative mindset going on. The stack of statements with repetition of positive in will soon have you thinking positive. Positive in, positive out.
Get the idea? Get going. Be positive. I found about 100 ideas as I read the comments. Optimistic.1 -
Oh, make a calendar for some of these things, like the makeup artist. Plan ahead.
I'm 66, and all ages are awesome! I feel like I'm 30. I'm grateful to myself for every day for the good things each day. Happiness is not a illusion. Negative thoughts entertained could be a private he!!. Don't do it for yourself or your nice man who loves you.1 -
After reading your post, I dug out my wedding photographs from 15 years ago. I was happy, in love, and beautiful. I was also a size 16. I thought the dress made me look like an overstuffed marshmallow at the time, but that was my insecurity. It was beautiful.
You are not ugly or fat. The only thing you about you is that negative self - talk. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope you can see the beauty that your fiancée clearly does.
P.S.
You aren't old or fat either.
P.P.S.
Embrace the occasion. You've waited long enough, and you know your own mind. The advantage of being in your 30s is you know who you are, and what you like. Don't like a traditional wedding dress? Wear something you like when if it isn't a "wedding dress ". Love an over the top one with beading and a cathedral train? Go for it. But don't hide from memories that you will cherish as years go by. When you are in your fifties you will wonder why you were so hard on yourself. And you will cherish the pictures and the memories they capture.1 -
The pictures of the dress are only one smart part of the wedding.
The rest of it is about your family and friends coming together to celebrate your union with your future husband.
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Congratulations on your engagement! #1 Even if you change your eating/exercise habits, do not be discouraged if you don't see a change in your body, even after 2 months. It takes that long for your body to figure out you're not trying to kill it. After 2 months your body says, Hey, I can deal with this, and the weight starts to come off fast. I am 49 and just lost 30 pounds. #2. Change your eating habits FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and DO NOT EVER CHEAT ON YOUR DIET. If you want to cheat, send me a message and I will give you a strict pep talk. You need to eat a lot of protein: eggs, chicken, tuna, turkey, pork loin, whey protein shakes, Oh Yeah protein bars. I eat 150 grams of protein a day as a goal. Limit your carbs to 100 a day - I am down to 70. Acceptable carbs: Whole wheat bread but only 1 slice, brown rice, sweet potatoes (I found frozen sweet potato tater tots!), yogurt, any veggies that are green or orange, but NO corn. Salad dressing is a killer with sugar. Red wine/vinegar is best. Limit your sugar to 35 grams a day. That's the hard part. BE CAREFUL with yogurt and protein bars. Read the Labels for sugar. At 8 pm at night have a Casein protein shake. You don't want to work out heavy and not eat enough protein. Casein is slow release protein, helps your muscles heal and makes you feel full all night. Finally, you MUST drink 2.2 or more liters of water a day. You can get protein powder at any CVS, Walmart, Walgreens. The tastiest is Cookies and Cream by Syntha Phase from Vitamin World at the mall. Use protein shakes to replace a protein serving when you're in a hurry or if you need additional protein to reach your goal. #3. You must do cardio AND weight train. Cardio helps you lose weight. Lifting weights boosts your metabolism and makes you look great and burn more calories. You MUST keep your heart healthy by eating MORE protein if you are going to work out 6 days a week. Otherwise your body takes protein from your heart and puts it in your legs/arms and you have heart problems. #4. Log in every day, your food and exercise. This should be a LIFE CHANGE, not just a diet to get you to your wedding. After 3 months your pants will fall off your waist as you walk and none of your bras/underwear will fit. And you will be really, really happy!
None of this is necessary for weight loss. The only thing that is, is a calorie deficit. This is extremely misleading and actually very discouraging for people who see this and can't follow those strict rules. It's best not to give such specific advice. It works for YOU - and that's great! But it won't work for everyone and you shouldn't be telling OP that this is all necessary when you know very little about her.
Your body doesn't hold onto weight in the first two months. If you're not losing in the first few weeks, you are eating too many calories. NEVER cheat? No. Fit the foods you like into your calories (chocolate!) and you won't feel the need to 'cheat'. If it's a special occasion, don't feel bad about splurging, just get back to it the next day. Protein is important, yes, but for most people 150 isn't necessary. Carb limiting is also not necessary. Most people here do not limit carbs to under 100, and lose weight just fine. No need to limit sugar unless you have a medical problem that requires it. That much water is also not necessary - just go by the colour of your urine. If it's a light straw colour, you're good, otherwise go drink some more. Cardio and weight training are recommended, but again not necessary. That stuff about your body pulling protein from your heart is... totally untrue. How could that possibly be true? That would be such bad evolutionary design that we'd possibly be extinct by now.
Good luck, OP! Like others have said, you are not old, ugly or fat. You are beautiful. Your future husband loves you inside and out, enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life by your side. That definitely counts for something! Congrats 2 -
I got married at 37. I am 5'9" and weighed about 250 at that time. When I look at my wedding and engagement pictures, all I see is the love between me and my husband and how happy we were (and still are). I see my dream coming true. I see God's faithfulness in my life. Concentrate on the love, not on yourself.1
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You are old???? LOL!0
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CherryPeach your look BEATIFUL! All I can say is that it's all mental I used to be like that I used to be 370 lbs I have Autism and I lost 143 lbs! it's very hard to love yourself when things keep facing your way trust me I used to hate being Autistic but I later learned to love myself for who I am not what I was diagnosed with and I just view it as another obstacle that stands in my way that I will break down because I want to be an inspiration to the weight loss and Autism Communities! You can do anything you set your mind to! You have a lucky man your going to marry anyone would be lucky to have a beautiful woman like you1
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cherrypeach1 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!
I totally agree...the first 35 years have already been pretty miserable, no need to add anymore years to the tally. Sigh.
You suggest working on my self-esteem before working on my weight loss. Do you think working out and eating right would hinder my ability to work on my self-esteem? I would think that eating right and exercising would help me to feel better about myself, which would in turn help with my self-esteem issues. Or are you more saying that my focus should be on self-esteem with weight loss being a secondary goal? To me they seem to go hand-in-hand.
There's a push-up challenge kicking off to do 2100 push-ups in a month. That's a big number but not too big. One of my new friends started doing the push-up challenge last month and she began by pooh-poohing her abilities and now near the end she says she feels badass for being able to do it. Maybe getting yourself involved in a fitness challenge of some sort can help you overcome some self-doubt.
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Don't have to work out 5 or 6 times a week 4 is enough start at 4 days and than if u can go to five days. Most important is a healthy low calorie diet for weight loss. Cardio to burn extra calories and create a higher calorie deficit. Also get a min of 8 hours of sleep . sleeping is very important for your body to recover from working out. You can do it!!!!!!!! Experiment. See what works for u. :-)0
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First off, stop this *kitten* right now. You would never say those horrible things to a friend or sister would you??
I looked at your profile photo and you have a beautiful smile.
Obviously, someone thinks you're beautiful because he's asked you to marry him.
Anybody can pick themselves apart if they want to, but you can also decide to start taking care of yourself through a healthy diet and exercise.
Not just to prepare for a wedding, for for a long healthy life with the man you love.
No matter what age you are on your wedding day, God willing you will look at the photos 20 or 30 years from now and think you looked beautiful.
Be kind to yourself.3 -
I read your post and I wanted to look at my wedding pictures too until I realized that had very few of them and only taken at the church.
I see in those pictures a very young and very small bride barely 5 feet and less than a 100lbs, totally unaware of what life had already prepared for her but happy to be forever with the love of her life.
A lace mantilla was covering her short hair and in her hand she was holding a crystal rosary, both “borrowed” from her mother in law. She wasn’t wearing a white wedding dress because she couldn’t afford one, just a simple pale gray dress and jacket that she paid for herself. She had no formal or fancy wedding ceremony or a party either because her father couldn’t afford it; just a very small group of family members, courtesy of her in laws. The bride’s mother had died almost three years before, when she was barely 19 years old and in her eyes and in her father’s eyes pomp and ceremony were totally out of place. That was the thinking back then.
That was me. I was 22 years old. Today I am 72 years old, and in April my husband and I celebrated fifty years of marriage. So what is more important?
You are beautiful and you will get to wear a white dress for your wedding, and you will enjoy looking at your wedding pictures. And I hope that you and your man get to spend the next fifty years together and be as happy as I am with mine.
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cherrypeach1 wrote: »I'm officially engaged. At 35 years old...it's about freakin' time. I'm happy to be engaged to a wonderful man, BUT, I'm dreading the wedding process. Why? Because I'm old, fat and ugly. I'm not looking forward to taking engagement/wedding photos. I'm not looking forward to buying a size 14 wedding dress (I'm 5'10")--so I can look like a cow wrapped up in lace. I'm not looking forward to looking back at my wedding photos and remembering how terrible I looked during what should be the happiest time in my life. I wish I would have gotten married when I was in my twenties--i.e.: 30 lbs lighter and loads prettier.
I was talking to my friend today and she was asking me about engagement photos and I told her I didn't want to have any memories of looking like this because I'm fat, old and ugly. And her response to that was: "You're not old."
In other words, I am fat and I am ugly.
I can't do much about the ugly...but I (theoretically) can do something about the fat--not for the wedding, but for myself. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed of my appearance. I'm so tired of feeling miserable everyday because I can't stand the reflection in the mirror.
Things I plan to do starting today:
1. Learn to love myself for who I am--regardless of my appearance
2. Work on having a more positive attitude
3. Weigh/track everything I eat and stay at or under my calorie goal
4. Exercise 5-6x per week (running, weights, yoga)
5. Stay consistent and don't listen to the excuses my mind makes to fall off track
Any other feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Fat, disfigured, whatever, I can honestly tell you that if you are marrying someone you love and doing it for all the right reasons, your wedding day will be one of the most amazing, memorable, and fondly looked back upon days of your life.
I think your first two goals need to be prioritized more than exercising. I think you should add therapy to your list.
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TavistockToad wrote: »cherrypeach1 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »I'd work on the self esteem issues before any weight loss goals if I was you, or you've got a very miserable next 50 years to look forward to!
I totally agree...the first 35 years have already been pretty miserable, no need to add anymore years to the tally. Sigh.
You suggest working on my self-esteem before working on my weight loss. Do you think working out and eating right would hinder my ability to work on my self-esteem? I would think that eating right and exercising would help me to feel better about myself, which would in turn help with my self-esteem issues. Or are you more saying that my focus should be on self-esteem with weight loss being a secondary goal? To me they seem to go hand-in-hand.
Losing 30lbs won't make you suddenly happy...
Yes! Whatever this person said was dead on!
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What an amazing community.
In response to op: I get it, it sucks being uncomfortable and dreading *kitten* like this. The best part is that you came on here and let it out. Now enjoy the fun in self-improvement and remember you only have right now.0
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