My 14 yr old daughter is over-weight and I need advice
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I was also a chubby 14 year old. I was about 5'3" and probably 150 lbs. But we always had junk in the house. I can remember eating like 4 packs of those tasty cake chocolate cake things in one sitting. My mom never said anything about it. We always had soda in the house and sugary tea and cookies. We had good stuff too, but at 14 I wasn't real interested in fruit over cake.
I agree, you need a professional opinion here. My kids are 3 and 5 and they've noticed me counting calories and have already asked about it. It was kinda uncomfortable explaining that mommy isn't an optimal weight and I definitely don't need them worrying about their weights. I try to focus on health rather than calories with my boys...but it's not real comparable to a 14 year old girl.
That is such a tough age. Your all angst ridden and hormonal. She's too old for you to completely control her diet but young enough that you don't want to give her a complex. Good Luck OP.2 -
Thanks everyone. I guess my biggest concern is that no matter what I do, I can't make the decision to get healthy for her and she isn't making that decision herself. She complains about her high weight frequently. She is offered healthy food at home but when she is out of the house she loads up on junk food (raw cookie dough, cookies, chips, pizza, sweet tea, soda). I was thin most of my adult life but gained 20 lbs 3 years ago and have been a junk food natzi since. If it's in the house then I will eat it so it isn't allowed in my house. She has watched me make exercise and good heath a priority and seen me lose the weight. She has been in health classes. We have had multiple conversations over the years about good eating habits, portion control, exercise. I started becoming obsessed with counting calories and had to reign myself back in and I was open and honest with her about that. She knows that is one of the reasons I don't want her to start counting calories either. I honestly think she believes if she finds a way to get enough exercise in then she can keep eating what she wants and I keep telling her that isn't the way it works. Btw, my daughter is very stubborn if you couldn't tell so far.1
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A relative recently had weight loss surgery, and her very overweight teenage daughter has lost almost as much as mom.
When mom started serving small portions of very healthy food at meals, and the daughter followed along, she relearned a lot of bad habits.
Now the dad and brothers apparently haven't lost a bit- they indulge in fast food, etc out of the house and also eat more at home.
My point is, you can teach her a lot. You definitely need to acknowledge it with her, and teach her. If you don't want her to count calories, maybe teach her some kind of guidelines - my kids are little but we teach a protein and vegetable at every meal, with a whole grain sometimes. We teach one serving of "snack" food a day, and one sweet. We teach what a serving size is- is o e handful of nuts is your snack, not digging into the nuts over and over. We teach filling up on fruits and vegetables only if it's an hour or less before meals.
I do agree with others to explore what kind of action e things she might like. Our county parks recently had a "women in the outdoors" day where you could try paddleboarding, archery, hiking, biking, etc all in one fun day with other women. Something like that which would expose her to new fun things might be fun.2 -
Yes aside from a physical and lab work to rule out thyroid and other metabolic issues such as insulin resistance make the family walks a priority as close to daily as possible. Make sure she is utilizing the P.E. department at school when it resumes in the fall(many schools have other options like weight training which teaches lifting basic and also involved track running warms ups) but in the meantime for summer maybe get a swim class signed up or something else and be sure to make the walking a priority.
My weight problems were already in place at 14 as well and I probably was about the same weight as she was but a little taller but definitely in the overweight range. I wish my mom had took honest looks at our food habits in the home. In some ways we ate poorly at times due to budgeting issues but still enjoyed a wide range of fresh produce growing up(because my mom gardened off and on), still other snacking habits came with the environment. I never took sports(other than a basketball season in 5th grade years before) but not so much because I didn't want to, just that my mom could not afford the costs.0 -
Lead by example! The best thing my mom ever did for me when I was an overweight teen was to take me to the gym where we both enrolled in the membership program. She made it a voluntary thing - we took a tour, learned the machines with a trainer and then she asked if I wanted to join. And I did! We went every other day together in the evenings and encouraged each other.
Part of the enrollment was that I saw a nutritionist and got an eating plan. We went out and got the shopping list and we made the meals together and she made my lunch daily according to the menu.
The other great thing about it was that when I started showing progress, I was incentivized by getting a mini shopping spree.6 -
I was way overweight as a kid, and I had no notion of portion size. My mom was a size 2-4 all her life, and ate huge amounts (extremely active person; lots of veggies). She was always worried about my weight, and she always provided healthy food (no chips; no soda; dessert only on special occasions; homecooked meals always included 3 veggie sides). I was allowed to eat as much as I desired of fruit and veggies and man, i could put down some fruit! But, "it's healthy". And when I was old enough to make my own food, i'd model my food after my mom's - but twice as much mayo and meat and cheese on my sandwiches, and generally bigger portions of everything. I had no notion of the difference in calories being that great. We were both eating the same types of foods. I'd start with portion sizes and the idea of which foods are more calorie dense if you want to avoid obsessively counting calories. And yes, I pigged out at friend's houses and snuck food after my parents went to bed, and all sorts of stuff. But then I pointed out I was eating well-balanced meals, so why am I fat? I needed someone to help me acknowledge all the pieces and put the whole picture together.6
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as a fat kid and a fat adult, be aware HOW you say things to your daughter can have an impact. I am NOT saying you are saying the wrong things. i just know that MY mother didn't pay attention to what and how she said things to me as a kid, and still now. so, i have body image and self-esteem issues mostly due to that.
I know for myself, it doesn't matter how well intentioned an adult would be (when i was a kid). any comment that wasn't positive was a blow to the gut. my mom has always been on a whacked out eating plan. I swore i would never be like her. and i'm not. if my mom had told me to watch calories, i do honestly believe i would have had an eating disorder.
so..............as others said, i would lead by example. i wouldn't say ANYTHING about calorie counting. make healthy choices and regular activity part of daily life for the 2 of you. counting calories IMHO IS a recipe for obsession with a teenager.5 -
as a fat kid and a fat adult, be aware HOW you say things to your daughter can have an impact. I am NOT saying you are saying the wrong things. i just know that MY mother didn't pay attention to what and how she said things to me as a kid, and still now. so, i have body image and self esteem issues mostly due to that.
Me too.....she didn't mean to do it but it hurt just as badly to think she was embarrassed by me.3 -
Where is she going that she has so much access to junk food?
She's too young to drive so how's she getting around?
I'd buy her a bike to get to her friends houses and around town.0 -
BlendaBrenda wrote: »Where is she going that she has so much access to junk food?
She's too young to drive so how's she getting around?
I'd buy her a bike to get to her friends houses and around town.
We don't know that junk food is the problem. And not everyone lives in an area where bikes are a safe form of transportation.4 -
BlendaBrenda wrote: »Where is she going that she has so much access to junk food?
She's too young to drive so how's she getting around?
I'd buy her a bike to get to her friends houses and around town.
We did not have junk food or soda in my home growing up. My parents grew food and made everything from scratch. I still was fat. I don't drink soda now as an adult, I don't truly like it. Still fat. I don't particularly like junk food. Still fat. I got fat off of too many vegetables, too much meat, too much calories.
Bike to friends and around town? I grew up in the middle of no where lol the closest store was over 30 miles away. While you have 'well' intentions it seems you're trying to paint solutions with a narrow brush.
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I think now is the right time to teach her portion control and what and actual serving of food looks like. I sure would have paid a lot more attention to the amount of calories I consumed, instead of assuming everything low and fat free was good for me (90's diet mentality).2
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Char231023 wrote: »I think now is the right time to teach her portion control and what and actual serving of food looks like. I sure would have paid a lot more attention to the amount of calories I consumed, instead of assuming everything low and fat free was good for me (90's diet mentality).
I think you are correct.2 -
Until she wants it there is nothing that will change her
sorry at least that was my attitude at 14... 5 -
I was never obese but my grandmother was, so my mom was always scared I would end up like my grandmother and also develop diabetes. Her fear of me gaining weight rubbed off on me so I struggled with my body image for years, slowly gaining weight until I was at my heaviest: 176 pounds at 5'4. It was the worst feeling in the world. I also was hypersensitive to anything my mom would say. If she even looked at my stomach I would wallow in self pity, even though she never meant to hurt me. I realize that now but she's finally gotten around to where she doesnt ever bring up my weight or how I look in clothes, instead she will ask me to hang out with her and walk around the mall for a few hours or go swimming (physical activity that is fun and burns calories) and we would get a smoothie or something small and sweet as a treat to reinforce that food is okay and it is not an enemy. Try to teach her that you dont exercise to lose weight, you exercise to feel good. That really helped me and many people. When healthy lifestyles become a positive way to keep my hormone levels good and happy instead of calories ina and calories out, my relationship with food got better.
One awesome way to lose weight is food substitutions. Instead of mashed potatoes, puree some cauliflower. Instead of regular icecream, buy Arctic Zero (they only are 150 calories per pint) but they are a bit bland because they dont have much sugar so I always get the Salted Caramel Brownie Protein bar (brand: Zone Perfect) and cut it into bote size pieces and throw it in the icecream pint! 1/2 a pint + the protein bites= 275 calories! Its filling and cures the sweet tooth!3 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.19 -
Thanks everyone. I guess my biggest concern is that no matter what I do, I can't make the decision to get healthy for her and she isn't making that decision herself. She complains about her high weight frequently. She is offered healthy food at home but when she is out of the house she loads up on junk food (raw cookie dough, cookies, chips, pizza, sweet tea, soda). I was thin most of my adult life but gained 20 lbs 3 years ago and have been a junk food natzi since. If it's in the house then I will eat it so it isn't allowed in my house. She has watched me make exercise and good heath a priority and seen me lose the weight. She has been in health classes. We have had multiple conversations over the years about good eating habits, portion control, exercise. I started becoming obsessed with counting calories and had to reign myself back in and I was open and honest with her about that. She knows that is one of the reasons I don't want her to start counting calories either. I honestly think she believes if she finds a way to get enough exercise in then she can keep eating what she wants and I keep telling her that isn't the way it works. Btw, my daughter is very stubborn if you couldn't tell so far.
I hear you, typical teenager! As a PP mentioned, do you think she wants to lose the weight badly? I can see this from both sides of the coin so to speak, I was a plump child and young teen, things levelled out when I was about 16 as I was so busy with work, college, dancing and walking everywhere but once I passed my driving test and hit my late teens, the weight came on and then some till I was about 42 pounds overweight.
I then got so sick of not being able to wear cute clothes and the cruel remarks, I decided I wanted to be slim far more than remain how I was and I was successful. Even now in my middle years it's still a struggle, but like the rest of us I'm a work in progress, trying to be slim and healthy is like writing a novel you never finish! Your DD is very lucky to have a Mom that wants to help her, I didn't have that and I know it could have helped me.
Definitely encourage her to be more active too, if she's not keen on school sports things like dancing, tennis, gym work, Pilates, anything that gets her moving will help. It's so true if you find a sport you enjoy that you'll stick with it.1 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.0 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.3 -
No one has addressed this yet, but you've said that you've become a "junk food nazi" and that she is choosing to get junk food outside the house.
It's possible that your attitude about junk food has given it a special status in her mind - perhaps a form of rebellion because teenagers will be teenagers.
Maybe, if you take the power of junk food out of the equation, your daughter may be more successful.
I've thought about that also in the past and the best decision I've come to so far is to be honest with my daughter and also value my health. I've told her the truth that it is hard for me to resist sugary treats and therefore I don't keep them in the house. It's a decision I've made for my health. Outside of our house is a different matter. We will sometimes go out for ice cream as a treat. She'll order a double chocolate cookie dough blizzard, beg for a large, only be allowed a medium (just like her sister) and I'll choose a hot fudge sundae because that's only 350 calories and much less calories than most blizzards. We were at a birthday party last weekend. I ate a piece of birthday cake and a small scoop of ice cream. She ate 2 pieces of cake along with ice cream. I don't ever to make her feel bad for eating what she does. I was a chunky, self-conscious kid growing up watching my own mother struggle with weight loss and I would love to break the cycle with my daughter.
I don't want to be harsh here, but if that's how she's eating, she probably should feel bad for eating it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with treats in moderation but that kind of quantity is not moderation and it's setting her up for a lifetime as a obese adult. You don't have to be cruel about it but I think it's vital that you make her aware that eating like that is not appropriate or healthy. Downing two pieces of cake with ice cream or a huge blizzard on the regular isn't a good thing. It's fine to indulge once in a while and everyone overeats sometimes, but it's thinking that those kind of portions are acceptable and typical that is a problem.
I agree on treats in moderation but I also feel there is a very fine line that is easily crossed when it comes to making our kids feel bad about their bodies and this is a tricky time in their lives anyway. I'm trying to lead by example, I'm trying to encourage without saying the wrong things, I'm trying to give her the best environment I can to make good choices but I feel like I'm missing something. I'm not perfect. I'm sure I've screwed up several times. I just want my daughter to be happy and healthy, not one or the other.6
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