GF just wants to be fat and happy....
mbrown913
Posts: 10 Member
Ok, here's the deal. My gf asked if I would still love her if she just let go and became "fat and happy" . As long as she is healthy, it should be all good right?
I told her that "fat and happy" is only short term and eventually it will come back to bite her. Sure you can be fat and healthy at a young age, but over time and as you age, it will lead to preventable diseases/ailments.
I sense that she is ready to throw in the towel. She said that only a small percentage of people that lose weight keep it off, so what's the point of it all?
She also has PCOS and has been stuck at the same weight for months, despite working out and eating a healthier diet. So I think that is added frustration settling in. What can I do to help her get motivated again? Are there any success stories from women with PCOS who lost the weight and kept it off?
I told her that "fat and happy" is only short term and eventually it will come back to bite her. Sure you can be fat and healthy at a young age, but over time and as you age, it will lead to preventable diseases/ailments.
I sense that she is ready to throw in the towel. She said that only a small percentage of people that lose weight keep it off, so what's the point of it all?
She also has PCOS and has been stuck at the same weight for months, despite working out and eating a healthier diet. So I think that is added frustration settling in. What can I do to help her get motivated again? Are there any success stories from women with PCOS who lost the weight and kept it off?
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Replies
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She needs to see her doctor. I don't have pcos, but i have Hashimotos, the autoimmune disease that causes hypothyroidism. It caused me to gain over 80 lbs. I understand the frustration she's feeling, but she won't be fat and happy, she'll be fat and miserable.
I have lost over 60 lbs now, so far, despite all my health issues. It's hard, but it's possible.
Plus, by "throwing in the towel," and not taking care of herself, she opens the door to LOTS more health issues and more autoimmune diseases.
Good luck to her.8 -
The focus should be on eating healthy foods in the right quantities. With PCOS weight loss is hard, but health is not just a number. We are what we eat and a healthy diet will help manage existing diseases and prevent new ones.1
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I agree with BroomstickChik, she should see her GP. i have Lupus, an autoimmune disease and the meds i take make it more difficult for me to lose weight, however i'm 16lbs down to date. it's difficult, but it's a lifestyle change. losses and gains along the way are all art of the journey and no, not only a small percentage who lose keep it off.
my cousins aren't on here, but they both suffer from PCOS and have lost a lot of weight.2 -
Is she already over weight now? The reason I asked is you said she WANTS to let her self go? This tells me that she is struggling with what part of her weight now?
Fat and happy, I am sorry, are not two words that go together. Being happy is a state of mind.
You can tell her flat out, that you may not enjoy seeing her making her self miserable, but you will still love her because underneath the fat layers she put on, you know there is the same person you fell in love with..
Or you can can absolute NO. And that seeing the one you love do something like this on purpose makes no sense at all. And it really does sounds something like a crazy person would say and is out right silly and stupid AND make sure you say because you know there is help for her at your finger tips to deal with the PCOS.0 -
If she has PCOS, weight is always going to be an issue. What she was actually asking is what matters most to you. Women with PCOS frequently find relief in dietary change....but it has to be their choice. Diabetics are controlled by their diets....which is why so many cheat, even knowing the long tern effects will suck.
She is asking a hard question. Will you still want her if she is not slim? And your answer will tell you all you need to know about yourself and this relationship.0 -
Does she want children in the future? PCOS already carries with it a high risk of infertility and if she adds on a significant amount of weight between now and when she starts trying to have kids then it will only be harder.0
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FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".0
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I have PCOS, lost 50+ pounds in 2014, and have kept it off. PCOS can make things slightly harder but that's no excuse to quit. If anything, it's a reason to dig deep and be completely blunt and honest with yourself about how active you are and what you are eating. But if your girlfriend isn't up for that, she's wasting her time. Half-assing a weight loss effort isn't going to work. It's better to be fat and happy than to do that.2
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FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".
A size twelve isn't that big. As much as it night be healthier for her to lose a bit of weight, she needs to be motivated for herself, not for you. My husband weighs around 300 pounds. He doesn't have an interest in losing weight, so I plan activities with the kids that are active and I make healthy meals. Maybe one day he'll decide to lose some weight, but maybe not. I'd rather have a happy relationship than ruin it by nagging him to do something he doesn't want to do right now.7 -
Simple......can you live with her at her size or bigger than she is now and accept her (also works both ways).... if not you might have to seriously think about your relationship and whether to let her go.0
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suzyjane1972 wrote: »Simple......can you live with her at her size or bigger than she is now and accept her (also works both ways).... if not you might have to seriously think about your relationship and whether to let her go.
This is true. The core question of this post isn't really "can she do what she wants and be okay?", it's "can she do what she wants and YOU be okay with it?"4 -
As a PCOS girl myself, I suggest she goes to an OB/GYN and discusses her options with a doctor.
Losing weight and keeping it off is definitely a daily effort with PCOS, but it's like that for everyone. She may need some medication to help keep her body balanced, and that doesn't just mean birth control.
If she relaxes and ignores her problems now, she could cut years off her life due to diabetes. It's not just about being 'fat and happy' now, it's about being healthy and happy for decades. It's easy to want to give up, and it's hard to push for change even when results seem few, but internally, the effort is worth her health.
Again, she needs to talk to a professional about where healthy and happy would be for her. And then find healthy ways to be happy in the first place.0 -
I don't think you should try to "solve her problem." Women talk and have conversations to form emotional bonds....Men tend to talk to solve problems. She was probably just blowing off steam. I doubt she really wants an opinion on this.
Obviously, you know her better than me, but it just sounds like she is frustrated and wants to know if you still love her or would if things really went south with her weight loss efforts. She just wants you to tell her she is amazing. Give her some loving and things should be fine.
woman logic.6 -
Is she talking about giving up exercise and eating a healthier diet entirely or just maintaining her weight where she is in a healthy way?
Is she tracking her calorie intake at all?
You can't motivate someone else. That has to come from within. Happiness has nothing to do with weight but rather your attitude and emotional baggage.
My dh told me he loves me at any size and wants me to be happy and healthy. I'm an adult and I'm going to do what I want but hat was the perfect answer for me.0 -
Fat and Happy? I'd be over the moon (with joy) if I was a size 12. PCOS is no joke for losing weight, and trust me, the frustration is endless. When you work for months to lose half the weight of someone without PCOS... only to see half of that come back with just one or two poor eating choices.... it's very easy to want to just say 'screw it' and just exist as you are. I get where she's coming from.
Where's the motivation coming from? A place of health? A place of vanity? You? Her? All of these things are important. Most importantly though is to recognize that while you can help and support her decisions, motivation is internal. You can't motivate her, only she can motivate herself.0 -
She's motivated, we work out together. She has seen a nutritionist and personal trainer in the past. She has seen old pictures of herself at the beach and she is not a fan of them. So she definitely wants to lose weight, it's just that she's hit a wall with not seeing results. I've only been using MFP for about a month and half and I already lost 9 pounds, while she, only a few.
I think I am going to try and get her to see a dietitian that specializes in PCOS. But last night she really sounded defeated...Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.1 -
She's motivated, we work out together. She has seen a nutritionist and personal trainer in the past. She has seen old pictures of herself at the beach and she is not a fan of them. So she definitely wants to lose weight, it's just that she's hit a wall with not seeing results. I've only been using MFP for about a month and half and I already lost 9 pounds, while she, only a few.
I think I am going to try and get her to see a dietitian that specializes in PCOS. But last night she really sounded defeated...Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.
This is an emotional process. There's ups and downs. Don't take one night of her being upset as concrete evidence that she's ready to quit.
Also, with 30 lbs to lose, losing a few lbs (meaning 3-5?) in 6 weeks is great and an appropriate pace, especially given PCOS. She should feel great about that, and she shouldn't compare herself to you. Give her a lot of positive reinforcement by reminding her what she's accomplished, complimenting her cooking when she makes healthy meals, praising her for PRs, etc. And tell her she's beautiful no matter what.
ETA that if the article she read was about the Biggest Loser contestants, eff that *babyzebra*. Normal people losing at normal rates making long-term changes to their diet and exercise habits are not going to have the same results as people in extreme weight loss scenarios - in other words, their odds of losing it and keeping it off will be much, much higher.0 -
She's motivated, we work out together. She has seen a nutritionist and personal trainer in the past. She has seen old pictures of herself at the beach and she is not a fan of them. So she definitely wants to lose weight, it's just that she's hit a wall with not seeing results. I've only been using MFP for about a month and half and I already lost 9 pounds, while she, only a few.
I think I am going to try and get her to see a dietitian that specializes in PCOS. But last night she really sounded defeated...Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.
If she only has 30 pounds to lose, "a few" pounds in a month and a half is a normal and good rate. I define "a few" as 3-4. Would her 30 pound goal put her at the top of the healthy range for her height, at the middle, or at the low end? The leaner you are, the slower you lose, in general. Plus add in being a woman and you're going to lose more slowly than a man. This sounds more like a case of expecting too much too fast than a PCOS problem to me.0 -
She's motivated, we work out together. She has seen a nutritionist and personal trainer in the past. She has seen old pictures of herself at the beach and she is not a fan of them. So she definitely wants to lose weight, it's just that she's hit a wall with not seeing results. I've only been using MFP for about a month and half and I already lost 9 pounds, while she, only a few.
I think I am going to try and get her to see a dietitian that specializes in PCOS. But last night she really sounded defeated...Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.
While that statistic is true, it technically doesn't have anything to do with her. She doesn't have to be one of the majority if she doesn't want to be and works for it. It's not like there are diet/weight police running around to everyone who's lost weight saying "hmm....nope you don't get to stay smaller, put on 50 lbs immediately".0 -
Ok, here's the deal. My gf asked if I would still love her if she just let go and became "fat and happy" . As long as she is healthy, it should be all good right?
Obviously this is an issue for her or she wouldn't be bringing it up. Can you solve this? No. She needs to want to do this. Can you love her if she decides to give up on being healthy? That's up to you. Personally I wouldn't mind the weight as much as the attitude of just giving up.
Putting the shoe on the other foot, how many women would be okay with the following question?
"Darling. I like this minimum wage job. Would you just be happy and love me if I don't try to make more money? I"m comfortable here."
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enterdanger wrote: »I don't think you should try to "solve her problem." Women talk and have conversations to form emotional bonds....Men tend to talk to solve problems. She was probably just blowing off steam. I doubt she really wants an opinion on this.
Obviously, you know her better than me, but it just sounds like she is frustrated and wants to know if you still love her or would if things really went south with her weight loss efforts. She just wants you to tell her she is amazing. Give her some loving and things should be fine.
woman logic.
I think this is the best advice.2 -
FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".
A size twelve isn't that big. As much as it night be healthier for her to lose a bit of weight, she needs to be motivated for herself, not for you. My husband weighs around 300 pounds. He doesn't have an interest in losing weight, so I plan activities with the kids that are active and I make healthy meals. Maybe one day he'll decide to lose some weight, but maybe not. I'd rather have a happy relationship than ruin it by nagging him to do something he doesn't want to do right now.
I have the opposite problem with the husband. lol. I have severe allergies and asthma with hives that has kept me on a ridiculous amount of meds, my doc even told me I wasn't going to lose much weight anytime soon. But I didn't give up. Even IF she's right and I can't "lose" weight, I can increase strength and endurance and try not to GAIN weight. My husband, on the other hand, is rail thin (he has actually lost weight in the past couple of years.) He has his own issues, namely nerve damage in his neck that results in some wicked headaches, which in turn make him not want to eat. On days he does eat, though, you'd think he makes up for it. He eats whatever he wants and drinks MT Dew almost exclusively... He mother had Crone's and I am terrified if he doesn't change his diet and habits he will get sick and die young. I have tried to convince him to workout with me. It practically eliminated my tension migraines... But he won't do it. Like you said, I have to work hard to draw the line between caring and nagging him to do something.
Bottom line, to OP, losing weight is often hard. Relationships are often hard. Both tend to be worth it. Tell her you'd love her if she never lost another pound, but that she should keep up some effort to maintain her health and current weight.1 -
Sounds like she may be experiencing a bit of depression. Weight loss is hard, and social expectations to be thin, maybe she's is just blowing off steam. I hate shaving my legs because society expects me too. I may rebel for a bit, least until I have a dr appointment. But I'll give in. Same will with food. I don't want to live on rabbit food. Pizza is my rebellious outlet. My I don't GAF.
She might benefit from active hobbies. Not necessarily for weigh loss, just something to alleviate the depression. A walk, bikes, swimming, horseshoes, or hiking. Just something you two can do together and feel connected. Then celebrate with a healthier meal.
Good luck.1 -
I don't have much to say about the Fat and Happy part, but I have PCOS and have lost weight with calorie counting alone. I lose a little more slowly than expected, but I'm pretty happy with my results. 60 pounds so far, improved symptoms, tons more energy. It can definitely be done! Also, my body responds very quickly to weight lifting - it might not be for her, but it's definitely helped change my overall shape. But most of all, try to be supportive. She may have to play around to see what works and what she's comfortable with. She also doesn't have to go crazy and lose all 30 pounds at once if she's frustrated. She can lose a little, maintain, lose a little, maintain.
I would suggest visiting a reproductive endocrinologist that treats women with PCOS before a registered dietician (not a nutritionist). Carrying extra weight and gaining weight can aggravate symptoms associated with PCOS. The endo can help determine if there are issues with insulin resistance/blood sugar, which may then prompt them to prescribe additional medication or suggest a lower carb diet. Then get RD recommendations from the endocrinologist.
(Side note: some folks think that women with PCOS may burn calories more slowly than expected. So if MFP is telling her 1600 calories per day to lose weight, she may find she has more success at 1500 calories.)0 -
FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".
Size 12 is still smaller than the average size of an American woman. If she wants to stay that size it's her business. Maybe she's burned out and needs a break. I think she's actually asking you if you still find her attractive at the size she is now, so rather than posting on the Internet on how to convince her to keep dieting and get thinner you should maybe reassure her instead.5 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".
Size 12 is still smaller than the average size of an American woman. If she wants to stay that size it's her business. Maybe she's burned out and needs a break. I think she's actually asking you if you still find her attractive at the size she is now, so rather than posting on the Internet on how to convince her to keep dieting and get thinner you should maybe reassure her instead.
I don't think he feels like reassuring her at this size.1 -
Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.
Most people gain back because once they achieve their goal the "diet" goes out the window and they start eating like they used to before the "diet". The trick is to continue to watch what you eat.1 -
She's motivated, we work out together. She has seen a nutritionist and personal trainer in the past. She has seen old pictures of herself at the beach and she is not a fan of them. So she definitely wants to lose weight, it's just that she's hit a wall with not seeing results. I've only been using MFP for about a month and half and I already lost 9 pounds, while she, only a few.
I think I am going to try and get her to see a dietitian that specializes in PCOS. But last night she really sounded defeated...Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.
People fail to keep the weight off because they drop the weight and then just go right back to old habits...they start eating like *kitten* again and stop exercising, etc. I see a lot of people using this as some kind of pre-destiny or something...it's not...it's 100% choice...unfortunately, people usually choose to go back to "normal"...there has to be a new normal.
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If you guys aren't on the same page when it comes to serious topics like this/values, then you should break up.
You can't make her lose weight, keep it off, or have the motivation to do what needs to be done. And she can't expect you to continue to be attracted to her/respect that decision.0 -
Ok, here's the deal. My gf asked if I would still love her if she just let go and became "fat and happy" . As long as she is healthy, it should be all good right?
Obviously this is an issue for her or she wouldn't be bringing it up. Can you solve this? No. She needs to want to do this. Can you love her if she decides to give up on being healthy? That's up to you. Personally I wouldn't mind the weight as much as the attitude of just giving up.
Putting the shoe on the other foot, how many women would be okay with the following question?
"Darling. I like this minimum wage job. Would you just be happy and love me if I don't try to make more money? I"m comfortable here."
First, that's kind of sexist, implying that women are materialistic.
Secondly, it's more like if a man was working a minimum wage job, and struggling to find something better, and feeling like he's not getting anywhere despite sending out resumes and going on interviews, and in frustration said, "Would you still love me if I just gave up and stayed at this job?" Obviously a supportive wife would encourage him to keep looking, and that he'll find something, but he also needs assurance that she loves him no matter what. To say, "No, I will only love you if you start making bank," that would be pretty *kitten*. 4
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