My husband is always angry at me
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MENTAL ABUSE SAY GOODBYE PLEASE!5
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And tell him to get off his GD @ss and clean himself, this isn't the 50s. I seriously could never deal with a guy who thinks its the women's job to do anything.13
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You need to lose the husband more urgently than you need to lose the weight.
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I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult position. If you're doing 3-4 days a week of 13 hour shifts, it's more than reasonable for him do do more at home those days, and for you to pick up more household stuff days he works (it sounds like he has a M-F, 9-5) and he doesn't, again with it being split the days you're both home (if you have days like that). It's a partnership and you're both responsible for the house and the children.
I'd try talking to him, as others have suggested. Come into the conversation with some concrete ideas about what you need from him. Such as the days you work, you need him to get dinner for the kids and get them started on homework, etc. It's not reasonable for you to work 13 hours on your feet in a stressful environment and then run around at home while he does nothing.
My Dad was a bit like that. Not that I recommend it, but my mom developed some passive-aggressive ways of dealing with him. He expected her to pack his suitcase for his business trips. So, one day, she packed only her underwear. He got to Chicago and only had some fancy, lacy drawers to wear.
He called me at college to complain that he had to send the concierge out to go buy boxers. Mom said he never said a word to her and he packed his own suitcase after that.
You need time for you, the way he needs time for him. Counseling for you, if not for both of you. The housekeeper can help. A babysitter to watch the kids and help with homework can help. Losing weight will improve your health, but sadly it's not going to fix the imbalance and inequity in your marriage. Only you and your husband can do that.
Best of luck to you! Please take care of yourself!
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I'm just gonna throw this out there, but I wonder if he feels threatened about the idea of you losing weight and that's why he is being uncooperative with helping out so that you have time to look after yourself? Some guys don't want their partners to lose weight as they are insecure and feel like they will lose their partner to another guy if she loses weight and becomes more desirable to other men. In any case I think he's being incredibly selfish and you aren't going to have time to look after yourself in the long term if these issues aren't addressed.10
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Marriage is a partnership. If the wife is pulling more of the load than the husband, the very least he can do is be respectful and kind and show her some appreciation for it. (And that would be just as true for the wife if positions were reversed and the husband was carrying more responsibilities.) This guy doesn't sound the least bit grateful for her efforts. It boggles my mind. I could not tolerate the disrespect. OP, I hope you can get yourself to counseling to see if you can find ways to change this dynamic. It's very toxic.6
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I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
I hate to say this but this relationship sounds abusive. He should not be getting angry at you for asking to help. He should not be making you feel so bad you stop asking for help. If you want counseling, he should want counseling - or at least go for your sakes. He should not be so content to sit back and let you work yourself into the ground.
With the hours you work and the responsibilities you have, when you lose the weight, you won't have much more energy than you do now. 13 hour days + housework + childrearing would drain wonderwoman.
You need to work on these issues now, they won't get any better once the weight is gone.
I agree with this, and sorry to say, your husband sounds horribly selfish! The resentment in you will grow and grow until you explode.
You say your hubby is a good father, but is he a good, true, respectful, totally loving and devoted husband? YOU deserve nothing less than this, please do not settle.
Plus, being a good father also includes being a good husband to the mother of his children..9 -
Um, the guy is an absolute *kitten* by the sounds of things. You need to deal with that first.3
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I looked at your profile, and you say you have 4 kids aged 1-16 years (you're 29 - what?!!!) So, basically, you've been looking after the needs of others since you were basically a kid (unless the 16 year old is your step-kid, which changes the advice but the fact still remains - there's a 16 year old in the house).
If you had your kids young, you've probably never had a day in your adult life (or before) where you put your needs ahead of anyone else, and your husband has probably only ever known you as a totally selfless servant to the rest of the family. Guess what, that needs to change! You work a difficult job with exhausting hours, and you say you have almost no social life - you have GOT to see that this isn't healthy, physically or mentally. You have a 16 year old who can and should be taking more responsibility within the family, and you have a husband who seems to think that he's married a lifetime slave to his every need. He has leisure time, clearly, but doesn't seem to even blink about the fact that you don't.
Everyone on this thread has said pretty much the same thing - it's up to you to make changes in your life. Losing weight isn't going to fix any of these issues - and you're not going to have the time or freedom to lose weight if the underlying issues aren't dealt with. The idea that you will be happier with your situation if you're x lb lighter is a fallacy. When people lose weight (and keep it off), their lifestyle has usually changed so that they can enjoy their new lives and new bodies. I think you're imagining a situation where you weigh less, and somehow you can deal with the difficulties purely on the basis that you're thinner - unfortunately it doesn't work like that! The fact that you started this thread tells me that you're probably ready for this, but it's really hard implementing tough changes, when the partner is totally unsupportive.
You have to be completely firm - the housework thing, and lack of any free time for yourself, appear to be dealbreakers, IMO. You could draw up a weekly schedule - he can have 3 nights a week to work out, you can have 3 nights, each of you look after the kids when the other is having 'me-time' and 1 night a week is family time. Similarly, you can draw up a chores schedule - perhaps you still take on more than he does, and perhaps there are jobs each one of you won't/can't do (my partner loves gardening, hates washing dishes, so we divide those up - but things like bathroom cleaning is strictly 50/50, I won't let myself be the only one doing that job!). Start small - stop doing his ironing, he'll learn quick enough, you can even offer to teach him how to do it! Also, why are you running around picking up toys - get the children to do it! I'm not kidding, even a 1 year old can help do this. If you're going to get a cleaner, don't be one of those weird people who clean before their cleaner arrives - kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?!
Another idea is to get the 16 year being fully responsible for their own laundry - start to finish. My parents did this - I got my own laundry basket, and I was free to use the family laundry facilities, but I was on my own. I washed, ironed and put away all of my own things. Bedding, towels etc, I had to do as well. I also cooked 1-2 meals per week - my mum, like you, was a nurse, and I cooked for my younger siblings whilst she worked or slept. BTW, it made the transition to university very smooth!27 -
First of all, well done on losing that first stone :-)
But it sounds like your husband would prefer to keep you big, with no time and energy. Because if he helps around the house then you'd have more time to work out and focus on your diet. And then he's probably worried that some other man will come and steal you away. It's textbook really, and I think you deserve more.5 -
I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
Your husband sounds exactly like my husband. When it comes to housework and taking care of the kids he refused and acted like a 2 yr old having tantrum if you managed to get him to do anything. I will tell you as someone at farther end of this *kitten*. After 24 yrs I love my husband, but I really hate and resent him too for making me do everything all the time for all these years. I tried for a long time to keep up everything. One day I ran off the road because I fell asleep because I was exhausted. I wasn't hurt, but it woke me up to a degree. I decided that if everything was up to me then I was going to do what I could and the rest be damned. I didn't have the option of a housekeeper so some housework went undone or I made changes to minimize it. I decided the house didnt need to be perfect all the time. If he didn't like it I would tell him I was too tired and that he could help too. He never did. He still doesn't. BTW your kids could possibly grow to resent it too, I know mine did.4 -
I did not read all the posts.. But my husband works 8 - 5 and if the house work is not done, well we both know that it will still be there tomorrow! As long as the food is prepared, family has clean clothes, kids do their homework, the the vacuuming, moping, cleaning toilets etc.. can wait another day perhaps on a real cleaning "day"..
If I ask, he will even help me.
One hour at the gym (perhaps it will take 2 1/2 hours to get ready, drive there exercise and drive back), but in some regards, you should be able to find exercise that invigorates you instead of draining you.
Perhaps, sitting down to talk about it first with him and tell him your goals. If he knows that losing this weight is important to you, then certainly you two can work 2 to 2 1/2 hours several days a week for you to exercise.
And, moreover, you do not have to exercise to loose one pound. So you could just work with the MFP deficit and loose with no exercise, or you could squeeze in 10 - 15 or 30 minutes in between your wifely and mother duties..1 -
Hi lovely,
Couple of things. I really dislike how your husband is angry with you if you ask him to help. I had an ex husband who sounds very similar to your husband. Our sex life was 'good' too, until after we split I found out it was another of his ways of controlling me (this escalated to me waking up with him having sex with me on numerous occasions). He wanted children...to force me to stay (I miscarried them all). I had to do everything in the house I worked 12 hour days with 3 hours commuting. He was a snake and I'm only sharing this as I'm upset at how your husband is behaving.
There were countless other things.
Next honey I had several miscarriages too. I 'healed' myself with food. I wanted to get miscarriage counselling and my ex went mental. Eventually after several years of abuse one Dr saw through it all and got me counselling at the practise, he'd become violent at this point and she helped me get the strength to leave (it took several years to become physically violent and he made me believe every time it was my fault. The verbal abuse including deriding my exercise and weight went on for years until I had nothing left to fight with). This counsillir also helped me a lot with the upset and devastation from my lost babies I was never allowed time to grieve for.
I pray for you this is not the case. I also would ask any readers who think I'm off the mark not to give me hassle or abuse.
You've had solid advice already on the calories and exercise. From one human to another I'm offering my experience in case it's helpful.
Also thank you for the amazing work you do.
Being a good dad is no reason to stay with someone if that person is abusive and abuse is not just physical violence.
ETA the not helping in the house ensured I was too knackered to have a social life furthering my reliance on him.
Marriage counselling alone (could you do this secretly) or general counselling I think for you is essential.12 -
If any non angry people would like to talk to another non angry person message me-5
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Wow, just.... wow! Not got any advice for the OP? Nope?! But thanks for stopping by this thread and clearly demonstrating your complete lack of comprehension about this situation.williammuney wrote: »If any non angry people would like to talk to another non angry person message me8 -
Everyone has pretty much said what I would say.
I'd also like to ask - what do the children do? Do they have chores? I agree with the person who stated the 16 year old should be doing their own laundry. They should also be responsible for making at least one dinner a week. How do children learn? By watching and doing. I see a lot, I stress - a lot - of older children/young adults who do not have basic life skills because their parents did everything for them. I think it's actually doing a disservice to not help children learn basic life skills that will help them transition into adulthood. If you are not already, you should designate chores to each child, in relation to their age. They can at least clean up toys, make their beds (to the best of their ability), help set the table, put dishes away, do basic things to help with dinner prep, vacuum the living room once a week - things like that. If they don't pick up their toys, put them in a trash bag and hide them until they earn them back. If you are doing these things, then obviously disregard this. If you aren't, your children may grow up to be like your husband - expecting someone else to do everything for them.
I'd also suggest leaving the cleaning for a few days while you go to the gym. (No, you don't need exercise to lose weight, but if you want to try group classes, you should be able to.) When your husband complains, tell him you are working on being healthier and sometimes that means you have to place time for yourself and your health above some housecleaning duties.
Maybe you should keep a journal for a couple weeks and write down how you spend your time, then show it to your husband. I don't know if that would be helpful, but if you could actually show him in black and white how you spend the hours of the day, maybe that would help?
Being a nurse can be difficult - mentally, physically, emotionally. There are several nurses in my family and I've seen it. Losing weight will probably help with your energy, but it's not a fix-all. You have a difficult job and it sounds like a difficult home life. You really need to actively find a way to make it better with division of labor, not a way to try to handle it all by yourself. Good luck.3 -
Tell your man to lighten up and get off your case! He can do him you do you.
You should lose weight for YOU, noone else.
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dizzieblondeuk wrote: »
Wow, just.... wow! Not got any advice for the OP? Nope?! But thanks for stopping by this thread and clearly demonstrating your complete lack of comprehension about this situation.williammuney wrote: »If any non angry people would like to talk to another non angry person message me
Go right a ten paragraph response that nobody will read-9 -
dizzieblondeuk wrote: »Another idea is to get the 16 year being fully responsible for their own laundry - start to finish. My parents did this - I got my own laundry basket, and I was free to use the family laundry facilities, but I was on my own. I washed, ironed and put away all of my own things. Bedding, towels etc, I had to do as well. I also cooked 1-2 meals per week - my mum, like you, was a nurse, and I cooked for my younger siblings whilst she worked or slept. BTW, it made the transition to university very smooth!
This was my thinking. Depending on the age of the kids. My kids were taught to do their laundry at 12. From that point on, if they ran out of cloths, they quickly figured out how to look ahead so they didn't. Initially, I would remind them to keep an eye on their cloths until they got use to doing them, but after that, they were on their own. At 10 I taught them how to clean the bathrooms (except the tub/shower) and how to dust. When I got at least 2 of them helping me we could knock the house out in 1hr (we have a large home). Can you leave your cleaning for a saturday? Or only on one day of the week? I only clean on saturdays. If I know I won't be able to, I pick a day ahead of time (preferably one you're not working on) and clean that day. My husband knows nothing will get done but on that specific cleaning day. *IF* you can't afford to get someone to come in and clean once a week (which I highly recommend in your circumstances), then engaging the kids to help is huge. And honestly, they NEED to know this stuff. Some day they will have homes. I have very capable teenagers now (15, 17, 18) because they learned these things. Any one of them can run our home (meals, cleaning, etc) should they need to. In life, they are skills they will need anyway. In the short term, it will relieve and help you tremendously. And quite frankly, we don't do them any favors by doing everything for them.
Marriage wise, I would recommend the book Love and Respect for you both. If your husband won't get counsel with you, you both might find this book exceedingly helpful.5 -
I'm so sorry that you have to go through that. But you need to tell him the house and kids are as much his responsibility as yours. So he can either switch off with you or both pay for someone helping around the house. That's that, do not settle for less then you deserve because he's selfish. He's not being a good guy by trampling on you.2
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