My husband is always angry at me
Replies
-
I
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
I really do gotta ask why you're married to this guy.
Sorry.
He gets angry when asked to help out?
Preface this by saying obviously I'm not a psychoanalyst but it really does sound to me like you have bigger problems looming than just your weight.
And you have kids in the house who are learning how to treat (or be treated by) their future spouse.
Counseling for you both. And for yourself if he refuses to go. Which I assume he will.
Good luck.
This....im so sorry you're married to a *kitten*1 -
I agree with many that said the housework isn't being taken care of equally. Your husband sounds like a douche. he has an 8 hour job, you have a 13 hour job PLUS all the walking/running you do during your shift. You, your husband, and your kids need to sit down and have a serious discussion about housework and homework and how to divide it ALL equally so that you aren't doing all of it. I won't apologize for thinking your husband is a douche, based on what you said. he isn't working as hard as you and therefore needs to get his lazy *kitten* off the couch and help with the housework AND the homework AND the raising of the kids. You didn't create this life by yourself. Marriage IS a complete partnership4
-
williammuney wrote: »dizzieblondeuk wrote: »
Wow, just.... wow! Not got any advice for the OP? Nope?! But thanks for stopping by this thread and clearly demonstrating your complete lack of comprehension about this situation.williammuney wrote: »If any non angry people would like to talk to another non angry person message me
Go right a ten paragraph response that nobody will read
*write23 -
Not going to sugar coat it, he needs to wake up and join this century.
He's trying to live the life he had before kids. Well, guess what, he's got them.5 -
I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
first of all, if he is getting angry when you try to talk with him about these issues, HE needs to get counseling. he shouldn't be getting angry with about discussing your health.
a part time housekeeper is nice, but HE needs to help you with it. if he won't help with the housework, then you don't need to be over extending yourself to do it either. if he won't help and the kids can only do certain things, then some of the housework will just have to suffer until HE does it.
food scale is good.
fitting exercising into your already busy day would make sense (maybe some weight bearing exercises in addition to all the walking you do?)
thinking that once you lose weight you will have tons of energy and this won't be an issue is a LIE you are trying to convince yourself of. energy has nothing to do with it. it's called being fair in a marriage.
I don't know you or your family. I probably won't ever meet you, d2othev. But i don't like your husband. He sounds like a control freak and an 18th century "women were meant to stay in the home, take care of the kids and the house." I am not meaning to hurt your feelings or get you angry with me. I am just letting you know how i feel about your husband based on what you say.6 -
Hello, I am not going to comment on your marriage, but regarding exercise. For myself, I realized no one was going to make my health a priority but me. I exercise for about an hour a day, not a gym goer, I usually do Fitness Blender or I walk or run on my treadmill. It is not unheard of for me to be helping with homework while doing burpees (sometimes I have them skip the questions they are having trouble with and we go back to those when I'm done!).
Everyone in the family has adjusted to my workouts without too much problem...in fact, I apparently get cranky "need to workout" look on my face
If you make it a priority for you, your family will get used to it and eventually come to support it. It's my hour of me time and something no one else can do for me, and above all it shows me that I value myself.
Editing to add - it also shows my kids that health and exercise and important things. Living by example!3 -
He gets angry at you for asking, why aren't you getting angry right back at him? Arey ou affraid he is going to do something to you? He sounds terrible.6
-
I appreciate the fact that this is your life and personal relationship but from what you say this sounds like an abusive relationship and what is happening to you is not supposed to happen. The fact that you can tolerate it or that you love him does not change the situation. You should seek help about this. Do not take the advice given by people here lightly. You need to do something about this. You have to understand that the mental abuse that is happening to you is NO different than physical abuse.10
-
gebeziseva wrote: »I appreciate the fact that this is your life and personal relationship but from what you say this sounds like an abusive relationship and what is happening to you is not supposed to happen. The fact that you can tolerate it or that you love him does not change the situation. You should seek help about this. Do not take the advice given by people here lightly. You need to do something about this. You have to understand that the mental abuse that is happening to you is NO different than physical abuse.
In the uk mental abuse is now the same legally as physical abuse and is taken just as seriously.8 -
zoeysasha37 wrote: »I remember feeling just like you. Hugs. I remember this feeling like it was yesterday.
I won't comment on your marriage but in my case, a lot of the problem was me. I didn't realize it then though. I felt so bad about myself that it drug every one around me down too. ( I'm not saying your the problem in your marriage. I don't know enough about your life to comment on that part. I'm just telling you that I've been there)
Anyway when I was finally ready, I lost the weight. I'm 135 lbs now and have kept the weight off for three years so far
Here's what helped me-
If this doesn't apply to you then fine, but it may help someone else reading.
Once I realized that weight loss came down to calories, it didn't seem so difficult anymore. I used to think that in order to lose weight that I would have to do some crazy fad diets and starve . Everytime I tried one of those gimmick diets or super restrictive diets I would fail. I started to think there was something wrong with me. Until I learned about calories in - calories out.
For weight loss to occur, one must create a calorie deficit. Eat less then you burn and you'll lose weight. Calories in calories out. As long as you eat at a calorie deficit, you'll lose weight. So there's really no need for these fad diets or gimmicks. No need to torture yourself by doing low carb ( unless you have a medical condition) , Paleo or whatever the newest fad is.
Things got a lot easier for me when I realized that it just came down to calories.
I got myself a food scale and learned about portion control and moderation. From there it was easy.
Once I got down to a normal weight, I had much more energy and a zest for life again. Because I was happier, things where happier in my marriage too. Don't get me wrong, weight loss won't solve every problem in your life. But it certainly does feel good to be a normal weight and when we feel good, it shows! My outlook changed at that point. I knew I could never go back to where I was!
You can do this too!! All you need to do is get yourself a food scale and learn how to weigh your solids and measuring your liquids. Log everything here on mfp . Remember- weight loss comes down to calories! You don't have to over complicate this by doing fancy fad diets. Just eat less then you burn!
If you can't make it to the gym, find an activity that you can do at home. Like going for walks, or even YouTube workouts.
Best of luck to you!! Hugs!!!!! I remember feeling like you do now but just know that you can do this!
@zoeysasha37 has described it perfectly! This is EXACTLY what I went through when my kids were smaller. It gets easier as the kids get older. And it helps to remember you can't change other people. Only yourself. Look at how you choose to react to your situation and try to find little ways to change and make things better one baby step at a time. All together it's so overwhelming, but you can gradually start fixing all those little things that weigh you down and get to a place where the problems that can't be changed are easier to handle.0 -
As someone else said earlier, get counseling for yourself. It will help you communicate better with your husband, who is clearly missing important cues or there would not be such a disparate responsibility imbalance.
Log every bite. You are getting a lot of exercise on the job and doing housework. Put on your headphones when you do the housework, it helps! And hopefully soon you will be wearing those headphones at the gym, having well-deserved personal time.
Good Luck! I hope your hubby comes around and takes on his share of the workload!1 -
williammuney wrote: »dizzieblondeuk wrote: »
Wow, just.... wow! Not got any advice for the OP? Nope?! But thanks for stopping by this thread and clearly demonstrating your complete lack of comprehension about this situation.williammuney wrote: »If any non angry people would like to talk to another non angry person message me
Go right a ten paragraph response that nobody will read
Good one...
Right the ship matey argh, aye aye captain!
0 -
Haven't read all the replies but I strongly suggest counseling. It's not an issue that's going to go away. I'm at the point where I keep losing my *kitten* every night because nobody else in my family EVER puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.,, and your issue seems way more serious than that (I'm a SAHM, I expect to have to do most of the work). We're not in the 50s anymore... you're both working, it's both your job to keep the house clean.
Find a way to fix it before it's too late.3 -
This content has been removed.
-
From that discription your husband is a worthless dbag. When exactly does he expect you to exercise if you're doing everything? If he wants you to lose weight he needs to start doing some of the stuff that takes up your time so you have time to work out. Have more self-respect.3
-
I feel for you and wish you the best. Thank you for all that you do as a nurse.1
-
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. /quote]
If he won't help, he doesn't get the right to complain. Period. End of story. Stand up for yourself. You don't deserve this.
There are a million things people can say here, but ultimately nothing will be better until you understand that you are a human being who deserves better. Demand better. So what if he's angry? YOU GET ANGRY BACK. Don't let people walk all over you like that, no matter who they are. Your children deserve better than this, too.1 -
I don't know your relationship dynamics obviously from a message board....but you can't expect your husband (or any other person) to change. You can only change yourself. If you are stressed and have no one to talk to go to counseling by yourself. If you can afford to have cleaners come in and it lessens your burden, by all means hire one.
There are things in every marriage that bug us and we overlook them, and then there are the "deal breakers." My hubs will totally do the dishes when asked (he's not volunteering), but he never wipes down the counters or table. I've learned after 8 years he just isn't going to do it no matter how much I nag him. He is going to get the mail and leave it sitting in a pile that he's already opened on the kitchen counter every day. For real, dude. Throw that *kitten* out. But, he is fabulous in ways that make these thing pretty minor.
Yes, I'm constantly picking up after him like a small child...but he's been on kid bathing and night time duty for 12 weeks while I'm going to bed at 7pm every night since this pregnancy is kicking my *kitten*. I know he doesn't love that, but he never complains. He's such a wonderful dad and my best friend. I can overlook him being a pig. However, if he ever got mad at me for not cleaning a mess he made, that would be a deal breaker. I would tell him so.
Just work on you. It's so hard when you have kids to put yourself 1st, but start with doing it just an hour a week. Tell hubs/kids at this time on this day I need you to handle things. See what happens, then maybe gradually add in a little more "me time" until you get an hour a day for your workout.6 -
I agree with the pp who said YOU GET ANGRY back. People treat you the way that you allow and it seems that your husband is used to you quietly doing everything and is not happy when you don't. So tell him what you want. He needs to pull his weight with the kids and housework and you need time to work out or just have time to yourself. Stand up for yourself because no one else will.
I suggest you watch the movie 'Fried Green Tomatoes'. You need to go Tawanda on his *kitten*.1 -
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This just isn't right. You losing weight isn't going to magically fix things, and the fact that you said outright that he will not help you with housework and will not agree to counseling says volumes. Why won't he? You have a very demanding, physical job and for him to expect you to do 100% of the housework, cooking and raise the children is not fair. I'm sorry OP but this isn't healthy. I wish you luck. Please think of yourself.3
-
I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
There are so many red flags in this post and your original. Do some research on Narcissistic Personality disorder and see if your husband fits the profile. Is he verbally abusive? Is he emotionally abusive? If you want to talk privately, please feel free to message me. I hope I'm wrong. But I have experience, unfortunately, in this area.6 -
I have to say, I am not a good housekeeper. My husband and I don't have any human kids. So, i can't get mad at him when he tells me i need to do better with the housekeeping and to do it more regularly. He takes care of the yard work, does the dishes every night, and takes care of the laundry most of the time.
That being said, I am the one that's had a steady permanent job our entire married life. He does work, but since a few years ago, it's all temporary/seasonal jobs. So, i am the one paying the house mortgage and taxes for the most part and the electric bill every month. So, he can't say a word when i want to spend MY hard earned $ on something he sees as frivolous and stupid.
If my husband "*kitten*" about my asking him to do more housework when i was feeling overworked, he would probably grumble, but he would help.1 -
Here's a tip about counselling that a lot of people miss. You know your relationship is not where it needs to be. He hasn't realized how close you are to the edge. So you get counselling for yourself. You may get more tips on how to change the dynamics of your relationship. Are there counselling resources available to you at work?
Nobody deserves to have someone mad at them all the time, especially a life partner.
I once weighed as much as you. The first twenty pounds off was such a big deal, and even then I started to feel so much better. Kudos to the work you have done so far.
Well said.
I don't have an issue with relationships structured with traditional gender roles (and prefer this myself), but am concerned about all the times @d2othev mentioned her husband getting angry.
Also, there's usually more balance in the traditional gender role agreement - if the woman is solely responsible for the kids and the house, she's not also working 13 hour days.
6 -
If you think that if you could somehow lose weight (without upsetting your husband in any way by interfering with housework or his time) and everything would be better, you are mistaken. Your weight is not the problem here. Your husband is the problem, and it's interfering with your health, physically and mentally.
You can't make him get help, but you can get help for yourself and you can stop being a doormat to his anger and childishness. Do it for you and your kids.4 -
Guy here: I do all my own cooking, most of my own laundry, and a lot of the cleaning -- just as I have since I was 13 -- because I'm not an infant or small child. My gf and I have lived together for years, and the thought of her doing these things for me is revolting and creepy. She's not a slave, and I'm not THAT kind of an a-hole.
Get counseling.28 -
Sorry you are having a bad time. It is no fun feeling this way while looking after kids, husband, ER patients and the house. Not a lot of time left for you. Reading your post was exhausting. Can't imagine it.
I would look into having a cleaning service come in once or biweekly.
I would also set up a routine for keeping house in between. www.flylady.net saved me 13 years ago. Following (and modifying to fit my life) Flylady's routines allow me to keep the house in "ready for company" shape with little effort and time.
Talk to your husband. Pick a time when it isnt chaotic and you aren't emotional.
Laatly, lots of people here lose weight without exercising. I always was "waiting" for the urge to hit me to exercise before dieting. That urge is never going to happen. I'd get a Fitbit or other step counter. I bet you will be surprised at how many calories you are burning at work.1 -
SassyMommasaurus wrote: »MENTAL ABUSE SAY GOODBYE PLEASE!
You're life will be so much easier as a single mother with 3 kids working double shifts. Leave now!1 -
I'm so sorry you're going through this.. you seem to put it all on yourself and blame yourself and it's wrong. He needs to work on his anger and be more understanding. Even if you were to lose all the weight and have more energy someday, you'll always remember how he treated you in your low time and how it wasn't right. You might even resent him later on if things don't get better. He should be loving with you NOW and work on himself and his anger issues just as he expects you to work on yourself. Kids pick up on everything, if there is tenseness and anger in the home they feel it.I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
If you decide to lose weight, do it for yourself and not as a way to "fix" things. Love yourself as you are now and your positive actions will come from that, and not from trying to appease the anger of your spouse. I wish you all the best.2 -
I could use some love, advice, and encouragement if anyone has some to spare ♡
You're going to need to talk to him and ask him for more help. Are you asking him to help you? Don't worry about if it hurts his feelings. It sounds like he'll be angry no matter what but perhaps he could give you a little bit more slack to relax once you got home.
As far as the weight loss, you don't need anything more than a calorie reduction to lose weight.1 -
It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.1
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 430 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions