My husband is always angry at me
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I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
There are so many red flags in this post and your original. Do some research on Narcissistic Personality disorder and see if your husband fits the profile. Is he verbally abusive? Is he emotionally abusive? If you want to talk privately, please feel free to message me. I hope I'm wrong. But I have experience, unfortunately, in this area.6 -
I have to say, I am not a good housekeeper. My husband and I don't have any human kids. So, i can't get mad at him when he tells me i need to do better with the housekeeping and to do it more regularly. He takes care of the yard work, does the dishes every night, and takes care of the laundry most of the time.
That being said, I am the one that's had a steady permanent job our entire married life. He does work, but since a few years ago, it's all temporary/seasonal jobs. So, i am the one paying the house mortgage and taxes for the most part and the electric bill every month. So, he can't say a word when i want to spend MY hard earned $ on something he sees as frivolous and stupid.
If my husband "*kitten*" about my asking him to do more housework when i was feeling overworked, he would probably grumble, but he would help.1 -
Here's a tip about counselling that a lot of people miss. You know your relationship is not where it needs to be. He hasn't realized how close you are to the edge. So you get counselling for yourself. You may get more tips on how to change the dynamics of your relationship. Are there counselling resources available to you at work?
Nobody deserves to have someone mad at them all the time, especially a life partner.
I once weighed as much as you. The first twenty pounds off was such a big deal, and even then I started to feel so much better. Kudos to the work you have done so far.
Well said.
I don't have an issue with relationships structured with traditional gender roles (and prefer this myself), but am concerned about all the times @d2othev mentioned her husband getting angry.
Also, there's usually more balance in the traditional gender role agreement - if the woman is solely responsible for the kids and the house, she's not also working 13 hour days.
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If you think that if you could somehow lose weight (without upsetting your husband in any way by interfering with housework or his time) and everything would be better, you are mistaken. Your weight is not the problem here. Your husband is the problem, and it's interfering with your health, physically and mentally.
You can't make him get help, but you can get help for yourself and you can stop being a doormat to his anger and childishness. Do it for you and your kids.4 -
Guy here: I do all my own cooking, most of my own laundry, and a lot of the cleaning -- just as I have since I was 13 -- because I'm not an infant or small child. My gf and I have lived together for years, and the thought of her doing these things for me is revolting and creepy. She's not a slave, and I'm not THAT kind of an a-hole.
Get counseling.28 -
Sorry you are having a bad time. It is no fun feeling this way while looking after kids, husband, ER patients and the house. Not a lot of time left for you. Reading your post was exhausting. Can't imagine it.
I would look into having a cleaning service come in once or biweekly.
I would also set up a routine for keeping house in between. www.flylady.net saved me 13 years ago. Following (and modifying to fit my life) Flylady's routines allow me to keep the house in "ready for company" shape with little effort and time.
Talk to your husband. Pick a time when it isnt chaotic and you aren't emotional.
Laatly, lots of people here lose weight without exercising. I always was "waiting" for the urge to hit me to exercise before dieting. That urge is never going to happen. I'd get a Fitbit or other step counter. I bet you will be surprised at how many calories you are burning at work.1 -
SassyMommasaurus wrote: »MENTAL ABUSE SAY GOODBYE PLEASE!
You're life will be so much easier as a single mother with 3 kids working double shifts. Leave now!1 -
I'm so sorry you're going through this.. you seem to put it all on yourself and blame yourself and it's wrong. He needs to work on his anger and be more understanding. Even if you were to lose all the weight and have more energy someday, you'll always remember how he treated you in your low time and how it wasn't right. You might even resent him later on if things don't get better. He should be loving with you NOW and work on himself and his anger issues just as he expects you to work on yourself. Kids pick up on everything, if there is tenseness and anger in the home they feel it.I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
If you decide to lose weight, do it for yourself and not as a way to "fix" things. Love yourself as you are now and your positive actions will come from that, and not from trying to appease the anger of your spouse. I wish you all the best.2 -
I could use some love, advice, and encouragement if anyone has some to spare ♡
You're going to need to talk to him and ask him for more help. Are you asking him to help you? Don't worry about if it hurts his feelings. It sounds like he'll be angry no matter what but perhaps he could give you a little bit more slack to relax once you got home.
As far as the weight loss, you don't need anything more than a calorie reduction to lose weight.1 -
It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.1
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OP, your posts and comments are deeply, deeply concerning.
Your husband is being abusive. He has no f*cking right to expect you to work 13-hour days, AND care for the children, AND tend to the house, AND cook all the meals, and still manage to somehow be the plastic Barbie doll of his dreams. He's living in a fantasy world, and he needs to wake up.
Relationships are about compromise and teamwork. It should never be ONE person's responsibility to shoulder all of the burden. My boyfriend and I split the labor pretty evenly. We both cook, because we're adults. We both clean (him moreso) because we're adults. We feed the cat and love on him evenly, because we're adults. The division of labor in a household should be about what needs to be done and what's feasible. It has nothing to do with whether someone has a penis or not. The fact that your husband is unwilling to help you, and becomes angry when you reach out for help, is very troubling. It's selfish, immature, manipulative, and abusive. I'm not saying to divorce him, because I know it's a complicated matter, especially when children are involved. But I strongly urge you to consider whether or not you should continue a relationship with someone who is not only treating your poorly, but teaching your children to do the same to their future spouses.20 -
Firstly I think you are being hard on yourself, you are doing an amazing job and should be really proud of yourself! Secondly I don't think anyone has the right to comment on your relationship, this is between you and your husband, what I will say though is, it would be great if you could get a little bit of 'me' time each week, I think everyone needs this! Keep your chin up and keep smiling!1
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I hope things get better! My parents were very "traditional" even though dad was retired and at home he did NO housework at all because that was my mom's job. We had a housekeeper to help with cleaning and such which seemed to work really well for them. It gave my mom a bit more free time when she came back from work. I know everyone lives their life very differently so do whatever works for you!2
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redraidergirl2009 wrote: »It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.
Yes, be single and then you can work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone.0 -
redraidergirl2009 wrote: »It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.
Yes, be single and then you can work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone.
It's much better to be alone than to be with an *kitten*. Financially and logistically it would probably be difficult, but the situation she's in now is no cake walk. With joint custody the husband would have to take care of the kids if he wanted to see them. Of course, I'm in no way encouraging divorce. Only the OP knows what is right for her and her children.6 -
Hugs to you! You sound like a really sweet --and strong--person. I wish the best for you. Two thoughts:
1) For you: Counseling just for yourself could be helpful, among other things to prioritize tasks. Everything can't be the top priority, so some things have to give some times. I also agree that sleep is incredibly important. Prioritize that!! Counseling could also help with communication techniques for working in a more partner-like way with DH. Nothing wrong with investing in yourself--mentally, physically, spiritually, all of it. It will make you a better parent & spouse, too.
2) About DH: Anger is a secondary emotion. It rises out of other emotions.... e.g. betrayal, hurt pride, fear, sadness, feeling inferior, etc. Anger is like the tip of an ice berg..... it's the part you see but there is always something a lot bigger just under the surface. People who don't have a good understanding of their own emotions often get stuck in a cycle where all feelings get expressed as anger. Is it possible that he isn't so much angry at you, but rather, has other negative emotions he has trouble expressing? To be clear, this emotional work is HIS to do, if he wants to grow and be a better person and a better family member himself. It's not your work to do. But knowing this is HIS emotional limitation (not about you) might give you a different perspective on the dynamic. It's unlikely your changes (losing weight, having more energy) will do anything to change his self-expression skills (but still worthwhile for you!).
ETA: This book is really old, but it really helped me understand my own anger.
https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/00623190439 -
Yeah, I am going to have to agree with the majority here. When my ex wasn't doing anything to help (mind you, he was unemployed at this point too, so he really wasn't contributing in any way) I flat out told him that YES I could definitely hold down my full time job, get the kids to school, make the suppers, I could do everything like a single mom, but if I was going to do that, I would do it as a single mom.
It sounds like you guys aren't doing too bad in a lot of areas, you are happy, right? But it sure seems like it's because you are keeping everything happy by doing too much and harming your health. That's not sustainable. You are both working, so I do not understand why all the housework goes to you? My kids did their own laundry from about 5 years old because I don't have time; the suppers are cooked by whoever is home at that time (it's been all of us at one point or another, but usually now is the unemployed adult kid at home, since she doesn't have a job she throws in more house work). We are a family. He is part of your family and has family responsibilities.
What happens when you are sick, or postpartum? Does he help then?
I would also ask you to consider carefully what another suggested, is there any possibility he seeks to keep you out of shape because he is threatened by you looking good? Is he insecure in this way?
You shouldn't be afraid to tell him you are doing too much. If you are afraid, that's a bad sign.
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Seconded.I feel for you, and I'm a guy. I can only tell you what I would do. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. He works full time, so do you. He needs to get off his a** and help with the housekeeping. What freaking law says it's only your responsibility? Or could you not afford a PT housekeeper with your combined incomes? I hope you get some good advice here. We are here for you. I hope he reads this: Grab a vacuum or do some laundry, you lazy a**.
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At my highest I was 290 and when I started I was 277 17 1/2 months ago. I got diagnosed with MS(really bad fatigue) but I had to make a change, so I did and lost 149 pounds. I had always been the "big girl" and have known nothing different(so being 128 pounds is a trip). It just takes one decision to change your life.
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I'm just going to throw this out there. I may be wrong, not having kids. But... if the example your husband is setting to your kids is of an angry man who takes care of only himself while his wife works herself into the ground looking after everyone else (at work and at home), is that truly being a good father? Should the father of your children not take an equal responsibility not just for doing the things around the house for you but demonstrating to your kids how a partnership should be?
Asking your 16 year old to help out too would probably be good for them. Teach them to cook (bonding mum + child experience) and then get them cooking a meal or two a week. I learnt to cook that way and still feel nostalgic whenever I cook a roast or a victoria sponge because I always used to do that with my mum. What's more, by involving your kids in their food you can teach them good eating habits and prepare them for a life without ready meals.
Food scale is always a good idea - go digital, weigh in grams. Measure fluids in ml, don't use "cups" and "tsps" as measurements because they are not really precise enough.
If you are a nurse, you probably don't need to get to the gym for health reasons - you are likely very active anyway, so the key benefit to you of doing extra gym exercise is to allow you to eat more calories but still lose weight. I would suggest that swapping out a few high-calorie foods for lower-calorie alternatives would be easier than trying to add in the gym at this stage.
For the long term, exercise is fun. Everyone needs "me time". If your "me time" is going to an exercise class, that's a great choice and you deserve to be able to fit that in. Your hubby needs to support you in that.9
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