My husband is always angry at me
Replies
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OP, your posts and comments are deeply, deeply concerning.
Your husband is being abusive. He has no f*cking right to expect you to work 13-hour days, AND care for the children, AND tend to the house, AND cook all the meals, and still manage to somehow be the plastic Barbie doll of his dreams. He's living in a fantasy world, and he needs to wake up.
Relationships are about compromise and teamwork. It should never be ONE person's responsibility to shoulder all of the burden. My boyfriend and I split the labor pretty evenly. We both cook, because we're adults. We both clean (him moreso) because we're adults. We feed the cat and love on him evenly, because we're adults. The division of labor in a household should be about what needs to be done and what's feasible. It has nothing to do with whether someone has a penis or not. The fact that your husband is unwilling to help you, and becomes angry when you reach out for help, is very troubling. It's selfish, immature, manipulative, and abusive. I'm not saying to divorce him, because I know it's a complicated matter, especially when children are involved. But I strongly urge you to consider whether or not you should continue a relationship with someone who is not only treating your poorly, but teaching your children to do the same to their future spouses.20 -
Firstly I think you are being hard on yourself, you are doing an amazing job and should be really proud of yourself! Secondly I don't think anyone has the right to comment on your relationship, this is between you and your husband, what I will say though is, it would be great if you could get a little bit of 'me' time each week, I think everyone needs this! Keep your chin up and keep smiling!1
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I hope things get better! My parents were very "traditional" even though dad was retired and at home he did NO housework at all because that was my mom's job. We had a housekeeper to help with cleaning and such which seemed to work really well for them. It gave my mom a bit more free time when she came back from work. I know everyone lives their life very differently so do whatever works for you!2
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redraidergirl2009 wrote: »It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.
Yes, be single and then you can work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone.0 -
redraidergirl2009 wrote: »It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.
Yes, be single and then you can work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone.
It's much better to be alone than to be with an *kitten*. Financially and logistically it would probably be difficult, but the situation she's in now is no cake walk. With joint custody the husband would have to take care of the kids if he wanted to see them. Of course, I'm in no way encouraging divorce. Only the OP knows what is right for her and her children.6 -
Hugs to you! You sound like a really sweet --and strong--person. I wish the best for you. Two thoughts:
1) For you: Counseling just for yourself could be helpful, among other things to prioritize tasks. Everything can't be the top priority, so some things have to give some times. I also agree that sleep is incredibly important. Prioritize that!! Counseling could also help with communication techniques for working in a more partner-like way with DH. Nothing wrong with investing in yourself--mentally, physically, spiritually, all of it. It will make you a better parent & spouse, too.
2) About DH: Anger is a secondary emotion. It rises out of other emotions.... e.g. betrayal, hurt pride, fear, sadness, feeling inferior, etc. Anger is like the tip of an ice berg..... it's the part you see but there is always something a lot bigger just under the surface. People who don't have a good understanding of their own emotions often get stuck in a cycle where all feelings get expressed as anger. Is it possible that he isn't so much angry at you, but rather, has other negative emotions he has trouble expressing? To be clear, this emotional work is HIS to do, if he wants to grow and be a better person and a better family member himself. It's not your work to do. But knowing this is HIS emotional limitation (not about you) might give you a different perspective on the dynamic. It's unlikely your changes (losing weight, having more energy) will do anything to change his self-expression skills (but still worthwhile for you!).
ETA: This book is really old, but it really helped me understand my own anger.
https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/00623190439 -
Yeah, I am going to have to agree with the majority here. When my ex wasn't doing anything to help (mind you, he was unemployed at this point too, so he really wasn't contributing in any way) I flat out told him that YES I could definitely hold down my full time job, get the kids to school, make the suppers, I could do everything like a single mom, but if I was going to do that, I would do it as a single mom.
It sounds like you guys aren't doing too bad in a lot of areas, you are happy, right? But it sure seems like it's because you are keeping everything happy by doing too much and harming your health. That's not sustainable. You are both working, so I do not understand why all the housework goes to you? My kids did their own laundry from about 5 years old because I don't have time; the suppers are cooked by whoever is home at that time (it's been all of us at one point or another, but usually now is the unemployed adult kid at home, since she doesn't have a job she throws in more house work). We are a family. He is part of your family and has family responsibilities.
What happens when you are sick, or postpartum? Does he help then?
I would also ask you to consider carefully what another suggested, is there any possibility he seeks to keep you out of shape because he is threatened by you looking good? Is he insecure in this way?
You shouldn't be afraid to tell him you are doing too much. If you are afraid, that's a bad sign.
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Seconded.I feel for you, and I'm a guy. I can only tell you what I would do. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. He works full time, so do you. He needs to get off his a** and help with the housekeeping. What freaking law says it's only your responsibility? Or could you not afford a PT housekeeper with your combined incomes? I hope you get some good advice here. We are here for you. I hope he reads this: Grab a vacuum or do some laundry, you lazy a**.
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At my highest I was 290 and when I started I was 277 17 1/2 months ago. I got diagnosed with MS(really bad fatigue) but I had to make a change, so I did and lost 149 pounds. I had always been the "big girl" and have known nothing different(so being 128 pounds is a trip). It just takes one decision to change your life.
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I'm just going to throw this out there. I may be wrong, not having kids. But... if the example your husband is setting to your kids is of an angry man who takes care of only himself while his wife works herself into the ground looking after everyone else (at work and at home), is that truly being a good father? Should the father of your children not take an equal responsibility not just for doing the things around the house for you but demonstrating to your kids how a partnership should be?
Asking your 16 year old to help out too would probably be good for them. Teach them to cook (bonding mum + child experience) and then get them cooking a meal or two a week. I learnt to cook that way and still feel nostalgic whenever I cook a roast or a victoria sponge because I always used to do that with my mum. What's more, by involving your kids in their food you can teach them good eating habits and prepare them for a life without ready meals.
Food scale is always a good idea - go digital, weigh in grams. Measure fluids in ml, don't use "cups" and "tsps" as measurements because they are not really precise enough.
If you are a nurse, you probably don't need to get to the gym for health reasons - you are likely very active anyway, so the key benefit to you of doing extra gym exercise is to allow you to eat more calories but still lose weight. I would suggest that swapping out a few high-calorie foods for lower-calorie alternatives would be easier than trying to add in the gym at this stage.
For the long term, exercise is fun. Everyone needs "me time". If your "me time" is going to an exercise class, that's a great choice and you deserve to be able to fit that in. Your hubby needs to support you in that.9 -
mumblemagic wrote: »I'm just going to throw this out there. I may be wrong, not having kids. But... if the example your husband is setting to your kids is of an angry man who takes care of only himself while his wife works herself into the ground looking after everyone else (at work and at home), is that truly being a good father? Should the father of your children not take an equal responsibility not just for doing the things around the house for you but demonstrating to your kids how a partnership should be?
Asking your 16 year old to help out too would probably be good for them. Teach them to cook (bonding mum + child experience) and then get them cooking a meal or two a week. I learnt to cook that way and still feel nostalgic whenever I cook a roast or a victoria sponge because I always used to do that with my mum. What's more, by involving your kids in their food you can teach them good eating habits and prepare them for a life without ready meals.
Food scale is always a good idea - go digital, weigh in grams. Measure fluids in ml, don't use "cups" and "tsps" as measurements because they are not really precise enough.
If you are a nurse, you probably don't need to get to the gym for health reasons - you are likely very active anyway, so the key benefit to you of doing extra gym exercise is to allow you to eat more calories but still lose weight. I would suggest that swapping out a few high-calorie foods for lower-calorie alternatives would be easier than trying to add in the gym at this stage.
For the long term, exercise is fun. Everyone needs "me time". If your "me time" is going to an exercise class, that's a great choice and you deserve to be able to fit that in. Your hubby needs to support you in that.
Thank you! That's what I was thinking but you worded it much better than I would have.
ALL of the kids should be pitching in according to their age level, not just the 16 year old (not referring to any babies, of course; I don't know her kids actual ages).0 -
I have no one to talk to, so I thought I'd try my online community. I am over weight. I always have been. I have also had 5 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. I have put on a lot of weight in the 8 years I have been with my husband. I was 220lb when we met and now weigh 290. I was up to 304lbs but have been slowly working to take it off since he beginning of the year. The problem is that I am always tired. I work full time as an emergency room nurse and work very long hours (13 hour days). I also do all of the housework, homework with the children, Dr appointments, etc. I do everything. My husband is in good shape. He works 9-5, goes to the gym everyday after work, gets home for dinner and then the kids are off to bed. The problem in having is that I want to go to the gym too. I really want to do zumba classes and group fitness at the gym. But, when I do a class, the housework suffers and I am too tired to clean after the gym. My husband is mad that I have no energy. Mad that the house is not clean. Mad that weightless is so hard for me.
He's a good father and I love him soo much. I just feel really defeated right now.
I could use some love, advice, and encouragement if anyone has some to spare ♡
My husband can be the same way actually. I'm a stay at home mom, so I guess I have it easier in the fact that I have more time during the day to clean.why not suggest him helping??? He can't expect you to do all of that and not help. I mean my husband doesn't hardly do the cleaned, but he'll help by bathing the kids and reading them bedtime stories while I clean.0 -
jaedizzle01 wrote: »I have no one to talk to, so I thought I'd try my online community. I am over weight. I always have been. I have also had 5 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. I have put on a lot of weight in the 8 years I have been with my husband. I was 220lb when we met and now weigh 290. I was up to 304lbs but have been slowly working to take it off since he beginning of the year. The problem is that I am always tired. I work full time as an emergency room nurse and work very long hours (13 hour days). I also do all of the housework, homework with the children, Dr appointments, etc. I do everything. My husband is in good shape. He works 9-5, goes to the gym everyday after work, gets home for dinner and then the kids are off to bed. The problem in having is that I want to go to the gym too. I really want to do zumba classes and group fitness at the gym. But, when I do a class, the housework suffers and I am too tired to clean after the gym. My husband is mad that I have no energy. Mad that the house is not clean. Mad that weightless is so hard for me.
He's a good father and I love him soo much. I just feel really defeated right now.
I could use some love, advice, and encouragement if anyone has some to spare ♡
My husband can be the same way actually. I'm a stay at home mom, so I guess I have it easier in the fact that I have more time during the day to clean.why not suggest him helping??? He can't expect you to do all of that and not help. I mean my husband doesn't hardly do the cleaned, but he'll help by bathing the kids and reading them bedtime stories while I clean.
Another comment, again I may be wrong, no kids...
Bathing the kids, putting them to bed, reading them bedtime stories are all parts of parenting. You should not think of this as helping you, but as him doing his job as a dad. Also, reading to the kids is fun! Make sure he doesn't steal all the fun bits of parenting and leave you the boring household chores and homework duty! 9 -
mumblemagic wrote: »jaedizzle01 wrote: »I have no one to talk to, so I thought I'd try my online community. I am over weight. I always have been. I have also had 5 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. I have put on a lot of weight in the 8 years I have been with my husband. I was 220lb when we met and now weigh 290. I was up to 304lbs but have been slowly working to take it off since he beginning of the year. The problem is that I am always tired. I work full time as an emergency room nurse and work very long hours (13 hour days). I also do all of the housework, homework with the children, Dr appointments, etc. I do everything. My husband is in good shape. He works 9-5, goes to the gym everyday after work, gets home for dinner and then the kids are off to bed. The problem in having is that I want to go to the gym too. I really want to do zumba classes and group fitness at the gym. But, when I do a class, the housework suffers and I am too tired to clean after the gym. My husband is mad that I have no energy. Mad that the house is not clean. Mad that weightless is so hard for me.
He's a good father and I love him soo much. I just feel really defeated right now.
I could use some love, advice, and encouragement if anyone has some to spare ♡
My husband can be the same way actually. I'm a stay at home mom, so I guess I have it easier in the fact that I have more time during the day to clean.why not suggest him helping??? He can't expect you to do all of that and not help. I mean my husband doesn't hardly do the cleaned, but he'll help by bathing the kids and reading them bedtime stories while I clean.
Another comment, again I may be wrong, no kids...
Bathing the kids, putting them to bed, reading them bedtime stories are all parts of parenting. You should not think of this as helping you, but as him doing his job as a dad. Also, reading to the kids is fun! Make sure he doesn't steal all the fun bits of parenting and leave you the boring household chores and homework duty!
It is a part of parenting, but it also helps free up time that you wouldn't otherwise have. My husband works nights, so bedtime is the only time he really has with the kids since he sleeps during that day.0 -
jaedizzle01 wrote: »mumblemagic wrote: »jaedizzle01 wrote: »I have no one to talk to, so I thought I'd try my online community. I am over weight. I always have been. I have also had 5 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. I have put on a lot of weight in the 8 years I have been with my husband. I was 220lb when we met and now weigh 290. I was up to 304lbs but have been slowly working to take it off since he beginning of the year. The problem is that I am always tired. I work full time as an emergency room nurse and work very long hours (13 hour days). I also do all of the housework, homework with the children, Dr appointments, etc. I do everything. My husband is in good shape. He works 9-5, goes to the gym everyday after work, gets home for dinner and then the kids are off to bed. The problem in having is that I want to go to the gym too. I really want to do zumba classes and group fitness at the gym. But, when I do a class, the housework suffers and I am too tired to clean after the gym. My husband is mad that I have no energy. Mad that the house is not clean. Mad that weightless is so hard for me.
He's a good father and I love him soo much. I just feel really defeated right now.
I could use some love, advice, and encouragement if anyone has some to spare ♡
My husband can be the same way actually. I'm a stay at home mom, so I guess I have it easier in the fact that I have more time during the day to clean.why not suggest him helping??? He can't expect you to do all of that and not help. I mean my husband doesn't hardly do the cleaned, but he'll help by bathing the kids and reading them bedtime stories while I clean.
Another comment, again I may be wrong, no kids...
Bathing the kids, putting them to bed, reading them bedtime stories are all parts of parenting. You should not think of this as helping you, but as him doing his job as a dad. Also, reading to the kids is fun! Make sure he doesn't steal all the fun bits of parenting and leave you the boring household chores and homework duty!
It is a part of parenting, but it also helps free up time that you wouldn't otherwise have. My husband works nights, so bedtime is the only time he really has with the kids since he sleeps during that day.
http://www.scarymommy.com/why-im-done-asking-my-husband-to-help-me-out/
Perhaps I've taken this on board a bit too much! 5 -
Lol interesting article there. Lol I think we have different views. We can agree to disagree, although I understand whay you're saying and in a way to agree a little0
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I appreciate the responses. I have limited time to socialize, so unless I'm at work, I really have no one to talk to about these feelings. We have talked about these issues before, but it just turns into him being angry at me. Our sex life is good, thankfully lol. I will look into getting a part time housekeeper. That seems to be something that I could do that I had not thought of before this post! And a few people mentioned a food scale. I have never used one, but I will go out and get one of those too.
My husband will not help with the house work. The rare occasion that he has helped he was soo angry and made me feel so bad that it's just not worth the effort to ask anymore. He would also never agree to counseling. Maybe when I lose this weight I will have tons of energy and none of this will be an issue. God I can't wait for that day to come!
Now what do you love about him?
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The OP hasn't posted since 4 pm yesterday. She is probably working a 13 hour shift and then coming home to do laundry and housework.5
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jaedizzle01 wrote: »Lol interesting article there. Lol I think we have different views. We can agree to disagree, although I understand whay you're saying and in a way to agree a little
Yeah, my idea of what it is like to be a parent is purely from babysitting a few times, reading magazine articles, and listening to friends complain! If you feel that your partner shares as many of the parenting and household responsibilities as you need them to do, then that's a great relationship and I cannot fault you for it 1 -
mumblemagic wrote: »
My husband can be the same way actually. I'm a stay at home mom, so I guess I have it easier in the fact that I have more time during the day to clean.why not suggest him helping??? He can't expect you to do all of that and not help. I mean my husband doesn't hardly do the cleaned, but he'll help by bathing the kids and reading them bedtime stories while I clean.
Another comment, again I may be wrong, no kids...
Bathing the kids, putting them to bed, reading them bedtime stories are all parts of parenting. You should not think of this as helping you, but as him doing his job as a dad. Also, reading to the kids is fun! Make sure he doesn't steal all the fun bits of parenting and leave you the boring household chores and homework duty! [/quote]
Bath and bedtime can be tedious and very real work depending on you and your children... even reading to them can be not so fun because it might be the same book every night, you get interrupted every page, you didn't do the voice right, they won't settle down or whatever. Some parents might prefer homework or laundry to dealing with bedtime or reading aloud. It just depends. Parents should both be parenting is the point of course- whether they find it fun or not.
To OP- I taught my dd to do laundry when she was 12 years old and she has been doing her own once a week since. She enjoys doing it. If your kids are motivated by money you could pay them to do things and they learn some life skills. If they like games and competition maybe try something like http://www.chorewars.com/0 -
Gotta love all the parenting advice from people without kids.....smh.....1
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redraidergirl2009 wrote: »It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.
Yes, be single and then you can work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone.
Um, she's doing all this now already.4 -
OP, you haven't posted in awhile. But here's my two cents on the subject.
DH is a clean freak - he grew up in a house where there was abuse if the house wasn't sparkling daily. Me, I grew up in a home with 5 kids and a working single mom. It wasn't dirty by any means, but it was lived in. I am quite content to save the laundry for one day a week, tidy in the evenings before bed, delegate chores to the kids, and deep clean once a week. We both work full time, and I go to school full time as well (yay summer!), and had to find balance.
It took awhile of us arguing before we got it. One day, I had the day off but it was finals and I didn't do a dang thing in the house, and he was a little upset that he came home to a mess, and called me a pig.
Oh boy, did I show him pig until he apologized. May not be the most mature reaction, but I got my desired result. I am also guilty of reminding him that really, I have TWO jobs (my financial aid every quarter pays our rent for 4 months, putting more money in his pocket), and he only has one, so if he has a problem he can step up to the plate. It took a good two years before we hit our stride. And I get it, at the end of the day I don't want to clean after working, I know he doesn't either. We're both strong personalities. There were some fights. That doesn't mean that he is mentally abusive, and I don't want to suggest from the limited information you have provided that your husband is either. But I think a key difference in these situations is that I dug my feet in and stood up to him when he was a tyrant. It may make things nasty for a bit. But, if he is half the man and dad you say he is, and he is worth your time, he will come round. If not, you're already a single mom. May as well make it official.
And f'real, there would be zero hanky panky if things were not changing.
As far as the kids, I don't know how old they all are precisely. But girl, get them helping NOW. 16 year old can definitely help. My step son who lives with us full time does chores daily, does his own laundry, and cooks dinner 1-2 times a week - he is 14. My daughters, who live with us half time and my ex husband half the time, have been helping around the house since they were 1. Look up age appropriate chores. At 2 my kids were doing really *kitten*y jobs at dusting, but now that they are 9, 11, and 13 they are seasoned pros who are used to helping out around the house.
Sit down with your husband, and tell him how it is. You're going to make time for yourself every day. Even if its a walk for 30 minutes after he gets home, you're going to do it. He can step up and help, or the house work will suffer. It's up to him, you're totally fine with the house being a little lived in. That is what happens when you work and have kids after all.
THEN, if he keeps being a child, consider that this may be emotional abuse and you need to get out. Coz any man who will be emotionally abusive to the mother of his children is NOT a good father. (This goes both ways)6 -
butterfli7o wrote: »redraidergirl2009 wrote: »It's more about diet than anything and you can do workouts at home. I like to do blogilates workouts at home. I'm not sure how your relationship works but if you are both working then you both need to be cleaning the house and looking after the kids. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days if I need to in order to get the point across that I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous for you to be expected to work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone. Might as well be single.
Yes, be single and then you can work nurse shifts, clean the whole house and put up with the kids alone.
Um, she's doing all this now already.
Yes, she is. She's looking after 4 kids.. FIVE if you include her manchild husband
She may as well be single, as this marriage sounds very one sided, all HIS way. 7 -
I'm a husband and I realise after your post that I take my wife for granted sometimes too.20
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What you have lost so far is incredible!!!!! Is there any way you too can work out together? Or even do a family walk in the afternoon? Maybe that could help if you did some of it together... don't worry to much about him (men have it easier in most things1
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mumblemagic wrote: »
My husband can be the same way actually. I'm a stay at home mom, so I guess I have it easier in the fact that I have more time during the day to clean.why not suggest him helping??? He can't expect you to do all of that and not help. I mean my husband doesn't hardly do the cleaned, but he'll help by bathing the kids and reading them bedtime stories while I clean.
Another comment, again I may be wrong, no kids...
Bathing the kids, putting them to bed, reading them bedtime stories are all parts of parenting. You should not think of this as helping you, but as him doing his job as a dad. Also, reading to the kids is fun! Make sure he doesn't steal all the fun bits of parenting and leave you the boring household chores and homework duty!
Bath and bedtime can be tedious and very real work depending on you and your children... even reading to them can be not so fun because it might be the same book every night, you get interrupted every page, you didn't do the voice right, they won't settle down or whatever. Some parents might prefer homework or laundry to dealing with bedtime or reading aloud. It just depends. Parents should both be parenting is the point of course- whether they find it fun or not.
To OP- I taught my dd to do laundry when she was 12 years old and she has been doing her own once a week since. She enjoys doing it. If your kids are motivated by money you could pay them to do things and they learn some life skills. If they like games and competition maybe try something like http://www.chorewars.com/ [/quote]
This! At first bathing is fun (awwww so cute! Baby fits in the kitchen sink! Look at her smile at the bubbles!), then it turns ugly - wrangling a screaming protesting two year old into the bathroom, stripping off clothes, doing the whole shampoo thing (and even if you get absolutely no water in their eyes, they still scream as tho you did), then suddenly they don't want to get out, your knees and back are killing you, you get wetter then they do, and then you have to wrangle a slippery, screaming, protesting child out of the tub, wrestle on pjs, comb hair (ugh)... The whole thing is exhausting and one of the worst chores imaginable. Okay I'm exaggerating a bit, and while all of them seem to go through that stage, it does get better when they get older, I swear. But no, bath time, bedtime, story time - make no mistake those are work. I'd much rather clean the kitchen - the kitchen doesn't whine, complain, scream, wiggle, protest, ask for a drink of water, need to go potty 43 times, or throw a fit because you accidentally skipped a word and now you have to start over. Kitchens are not work. Kitchens are quiet, sensible, reasonable, and calm.
Can you tell I love the baby stage and older kid stage, but toddlerhood not so much! It's a good thing my husband actually likes the 18 mo - 4 year old time (he's crazy, but I love him anyway). He's the only reason we survive those years
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Hello everyone!
I just got off work and while cooking decided to be brave and have my husband read my post and the comments. At first he looked angry. Then he put the phone down and started folding laundry. Perhaps hearing all of this from others instead of me helped
Thanks for letting me vent and helping me come up with solutions ♡
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You can't be a good father and be awful to your wife at the same time. Part of being a father is teaching your kids how to respect others and modeling that behavior. If he can't treat you well, he's setting a terrible example for your kids.
For me, one of the best things we ever did was agree that we'll pay for a house cleaner to come every other week. They don't do windows or laundry but everything else gets a pretty good cleaning. Now I don't have to dust or vacuum or mop or clean the bathrooms and neither does my wife. Sometimes things need a little spruce up between visits but it's no big deal - we do a quick spot clean to hold us over. Plus, the kids are forced to pick up their clutter before the cleaner comes or else their favorite things seem to disappear into a random drawer or closet on cleaning day.2 -
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