Welcome to Debate Club! Please be aware that this is a space for respectful debate, and that your ideas will be challenged here. Please remember to critique the argument, not the author.

At what point would you say something?

Options
2

Replies

  • Ws2016
    Ws2016 Posts: 432 Member
    Options
    Maybe your friend could suggest to her sister that her SO get in to the doctor for an annual physical, and ahead if that ask the doctor to discuss weight and what to my untrained eyes looks like depression or compulsive behavior.
  • wilsoncl6
    wilsoncl6 Posts: 1,280 Member
    Options
    If I were her, I'd just let him know that I was concerned about his health and ask if he would go see a doctor for a physical and get recommendations if necessary. Sometimes it's easier coming from a medical professional that is a neutral party than from someone he's emotionally involved with. No one get's that large and not realize it. I'm sure his weight has crossed his mind more than once and a doctor could afford him the opportunity for his inside thoughts to be vocalized. Rarely have I seen someone gain that much weight that wasn't related to mental health, medical health or family situations. People tend to eat to cope. There might be a lot more going on that you aren't aware of.
  • Gamliela
    Gamliela Posts: 2,468 Member
    Options
    Imo, don't say anything. Its up to people to make their own decisions when they see its time, or not.
  • yesimpson
    yesimpson Posts: 1,372 Member
    Options
    stealthq wrote: »
    If she thinks he's withdrawing from hobbies, etc, then that's what I'd have a conversation about, because that's what would concern me. I'd leave the weight and the food out of it.

    It's possible asking about the withdrawal might lead him to talk about the weight being an issue and then it's him bringing it up and not her. If not, maybe he'll say what the root of the issue is, because I think it's unlikely to be his weight. Sounds like that's a symptom of something else.

    Good idea. I think that makes it much easier for both parties to open up a dialogue.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
    Options
    Since the OP indicated that the large fellow seems to be eating all the junk food in the house when no-one is watching and trying to hide the evidence, I think there's more to talk about than "you're large". There might be an actual psychological disorder involved.
  • pfreeme
    pfreeme Posts: 42 Member
    Options
    ilex70 wrote: »
    Well FWIW I think the woman in the relationship with him should approach him gently about seeing changes in him...that he seems unhappy/withdrawn...and suggest that seeing a doctor or talking to someone is in order while affirming that needing help with mental health really isn't any different than needing to see a doctor for a physical ailment.

    Not an easy conversation to have. But likely to be more fruitful as it is saying "you aren't happy and I want you to be happy because I like you" instead of "you are out of control and getting fatter".

    I agree she can ask him to see a dr tell him that she is concerned for his health. Nudge him towards help.Dont push him tho Ive lived w/ obese and bolemic roomate they just get defensive.Its not a character flaw but something can b wrong stuffing feelings maybe.May not b a mental but emotional thing.
  • 12Sarah2015
    12Sarah2015 Posts: 1,117 Member
    Options
    Get rid of the junk food in the house
  • chrislee1628
    chrislee1628 Posts: 305 Member
    Options
    I'd say something, in a nice way, at the end of the day, you are concerned about their health etc

    but if they insist in continuing in doing what they do, then I'd leave them be, it is their choice, you have said something and they have ignored it
  • EliseTK1
    EliseTK1 Posts: 483 Member
    edited June 2016
    Options
    The person in the relationship is the one who needs to sit down and talk with him. The focus from her should be about her concern for his health and quality of life. He needs legit professional help, possibly both a counselor and a Dietitian, but it has to be his choice to recognize the issue and take steps to address it. He is secretly binge eating, and that is a disorder that requires the same level of help as someone with anorexia nervosa. It's not all about food. There's something else going on.
  • JaneSnowe
    JaneSnowe Posts: 1,283 Member
    Options
    @yesimpson

    So did a conversation ever take place?
  • workhardtogethard
    workhardtogethard Posts: 49 Member
    Options
    Weighing 300 lbs is a serious health problem. If his girlfriend cares about him, of course she should bring it up.

    What I find interesting is that we tend to tiptoe around obesity and overeating. Why? Imagine if that man did the opposite, starting out at 200 lbs and losing 5 stone in a year. Even if he was 5'10", 130 lbs would still be within a healthy BMI for him. But I bet people in his life would be much more likely to comment harshly on his weight loss than on weight gain bringing him to a morbid obesity classification.
  • xWondertje
    xWondertje Posts: 65 Member
    Options
    To be honest, in this case I'm more worried about the signs of depression rather than his weight gain. He doesn't seem to be feeling very well, and he might need therapy and/or anti-depressants before he falls too deep down the hole and end up doing something drastic like physically harming himself in other ways than over-eating.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
    Options
    yesimpson wrote: »
    JaneSnowe wrote: »
    @yesimpson

    So did a conversation ever take place?

    As far as I know, my friend's sister did speak with her partner but approached it from an angle of 'you're acting differently and I'm worried about you', rather than making it about weight directly. I'm sure being as removed from what was not an easy conversation as I am, the discussion was more nuanced than what got back to me (as really it's definitely not my business and I wouldn't have had a clue if nobody had told me) - but the thrust of what my friend told me was that the boyfriend said there was nothing wrong and did not really want to engage in the conversation - could be for loads of reasons, none of them directly weight related.

    Well, at least the subject has been broached. If nothing else, at least it should let him know that she cares and is ready to listen. Sometimes that's the best you can do.
  • Wicked_Seraph
    Wicked_Seraph Posts: 388 Member
    Options
    Speaking as someone who's been obese for a very long time... chances are that he knows. It's difficult to not notice one's clothes becoming smaller and the face becoming rounder.

    My boyfriend never said a word about my weight, only that he loves me as-is. I think part of it is because I'm sometimes uncomfortably talkative and he knew full-well that my issue wasn't as simple as "eating too much". I had - and still have - things I'm working on emotionally and mentally. Being obese only exacerbated those issues. I knew I was eating too much, and was very ashamed of this... and so I snuck food. Hid wrappers. Ate in secret. The fact that the fiance is doing this, as well, tells me that there's more to this than him simply eating too much.

    If he's refused to discuss it further, then OP's sister is in a tough spot. Men sometimes feel afraid to discuss their feelings, particularly ones involving perceived vulnerability or weakness - but as a couple considering marriage, they REALLY need to be willing to push through this and discuss it if they want anything to change. At this point, I would consider his weight a symptom of a deeper problem, not the main issue itself.
  • owieprone
    owieprone Posts: 217 Member
    Options


    If the person is possibly fragile about the weight itself go for the reason it's come about instead tread carefully but say something and just be as supportive. they might think the 'issue' they have is trivial and embarrassing, and that's why it's go to this stage.

    You said he's changed behaviour so try something like:

    'i've noticed that you don't seem yourself lately, you've turned into a bit of a hermit, is something bothering you, do you want to talk about it, can i help at all?'

    Hope he's ok and sorts out what's up.

  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,952 Member
    Options
    She could ask him if everything is ok as she has noticed he is becoming more solitary and it makes her worry. It'n not implying a mental health issue nor bringing up the weight issue, but still might get to the route cause.

Categories