Just a vent about stupid comments
CindyFooWho
Posts: 179 Member
I'm really trying to take some of the comments I've been receiving in the spirit with which they were (I hope) intended, but sometimes it's hard. I've received the usual, "geez, eat a donut or something" but the most recent one really kind of bothered me. It was "you look like a 12 year old." I'm sorry, was that at all supposed to be flattering? I look like a CHILD?
Just to paint a picture, I'm 125 lbs at 5' 4". Slightly muscular. Seems perfectly normal to me and I feel fantastic. I feel normal and strong. I'm not dieting and am upping my calories weekly to find maintenance. Anyway, the critiques get hard to listen to sometimes.
I think the problem is that I'm FAR from 12. I'm 45, in fact, and many women in my circle of friends are a bit heavier. And that's FINE, I think they're beautiful. But perhaps they think that's the way I should also appear? As if, I'm freakish for my age group? (I'm not) Maybe? I don't know.
Anyway, no real question here, just getting it off my chest. Frustrated & trying to ignore it.
Just to paint a picture, I'm 125 lbs at 5' 4". Slightly muscular. Seems perfectly normal to me and I feel fantastic. I feel normal and strong. I'm not dieting and am upping my calories weekly to find maintenance. Anyway, the critiques get hard to listen to sometimes.
I think the problem is that I'm FAR from 12. I'm 45, in fact, and many women in my circle of friends are a bit heavier. And that's FINE, I think they're beautiful. But perhaps they think that's the way I should also appear? As if, I'm freakish for my age group? (I'm not) Maybe? I don't know.
Anyway, no real question here, just getting it off my chest. Frustrated & trying to ignore it.
29
Replies
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People can be stupid, or jealous, or impulsive, or all of them.23
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Ah, let it slide. I'm 40 and when I popped into work on my day off wearing skinny jeans one of my colleagues made a very similar comment to yours. People feel like they can say anything to you when you're slimmer!12
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Screw 'em. Don't let the *kitten* get you down.1
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Sometimes thin on an aging person isn't as flattering as it used to be when younger, mainly in the face from what I've experienced. Maybe that's what's happening to you. Either way, it's all about YOU, as you already know. It's about how you feel about yourself and how you want to present yourself. If you like it, screw them. They shouldn't be saying that type of stuff anyway.
disclaimer: I'm not in any way saying you're old, just that everyone gets older and what worked at 20 isn't always going to work the same at 40, etc.4 -
MonkeyMel21 wrote: »Sometimes thin on an aging person isn't as flattering as it used to be when younger, mainly in the face from what I've experienced. Maybe that's what's happening to you. Either way, it's all about YOU, as you already know. It's about how you feel about yourself and how you want to present yourself. If you like it, screw them. They shouldn't be saying that type of stuff anyway.
disclaimer: I'm not in any way saying you're old, just that everyone gets older and what worked at 20 isn't always going to work the same at 40, etc.
I hear ya and that thought is exactly what her comment triggered in my mind. I'm going for "fit" not "skinny" here. I'm naturally petite - really small ring size, no boobs (unfortunately), etc., so this is where my body naturally goes. But you're not wrong. Thanks for the kind words.1 -
Why let this bother you in the least?? Can't fix stupid.. Because what people say and do is just that.. stupid stuff.
You are around my age, we are the exact same height, I weigh less than you though and I never get stuff like this and even if I did, its their problem not mine how they feel or what they say. With age for me comes, "I do not give a rip what people say"...9 -
We're not doing this for them or to be seen by them. What they say is far less significant than they assume.6
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I completely understand why you would feel strange and offended by such a comment. However, seeing it from the sideline to me it is obvious that such a comment is NOT about you or your appearence - at all. My mom has a habit of making very inappropriate comments, which has taught me to breathe deep and remind myself, that those comments are about her insecurities - not me. You feel great and it probably shows. That can trigger insecurity in other people, over which we have no control.
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CindyFooWho wrote: »I'm really trying to take some of the comments I've been receiving in the spirit with which they were (I hope) intended, but sometimes it's hard. I've received the usual, "geez, eat a donut or something" but the most recent one really kind of bothered me. It was "you look like a 12 year old." I'm sorry, was that at all supposed to be flattering? I look like a CHILD?
Just to paint a picture, I'm 125 lbs at 5' 4". Slightly muscular. Seems perfectly normal to me and I feel fantastic. I feel normal and strong. I'm not dieting and am upping my calories weekly to find maintenance. Anyway, the critiques get hard to listen to sometimes.
I think the problem is that I'm FAR from 12. I'm 45, in fact, and many women in my circle of friends are a bit heavier. And that's FINE, I think they're beautiful. But perhaps they think that's the way I should also appear? As if, I'm freakish for my age group? (I'm not) Maybe? I don't know.
Anyway, no real question here, just getting it off my chest. Frustrated & trying to ignore it.
I don't think it was meant as a complement, so just ignore it!1 -
People make comments because they are not used to seeing you at this size. They will get used to it. If not my strategy is to say (In a really nice tone), " Wow, that was a really mean thing to say; and you hurt my feelings". That usually sets them straight.8
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People do seem to think it's OK to make rude comments about women being thin, probably they don't think you are sensitive about it, since there are enough examples of skinny beauty in the media they think you are confident and happy with your size and are teasing. They don't know that guys have made comments about "not womanly enough" or that people mock those with small breasts and slim hips, it's not on their radar that you might be hurt by hurtful comments, basically.
Just point out that it's mean and let it go.
Also, aren't you happier now that you are older? The body type I have, it was less than satisfactory when I was young because guys all wanted the T&A and I never felt sexy. But I'll be d-word-ed, it held up so well through 4 pregnancies and nearly 50 years, there is less to sag because everything is built so close to the body, and though it won't ever be va va voom, it's still holding up so nicely.6 -
@CindyFooWho just so you know, im also 5"4 and 122-125 lbs slightly muscular so I'm just gunna say you rock
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You are all full of wise words, thanks so much. I never did this for appearances. I just like to feel light and strong.3
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If this happened on MFP, it's an attack and against the rules. Report the post and hope the Mods do something about it
You don't look like a child to me AT ALL.0 -
You look fit and active to me, and given the setting and giant beer in your profile pic, I'd love to go on vacation with you! I understand that it can be hard to ignore stupid comments, but seriously... you look great! Don't let the haters get to you!2
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The words "thank you" can be used sincerely or as a great way to make the person who uses a false compliment feel like crap. At least with the right wry smile.14
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Ah, let it slide. I'm 40 and when I popped into work on my day off wearing skinny jeans one of my colleagues made a very similar comment to yours. People feel like they can say anything to you when you're slimmer!
I completely agree that people feel they can say anything when you're slim. I tell people that all the time. The skinny comments can be insulting just like fat comments.0 -
I'm 5'4" too. I started hearing things like that around 127lbs as well (I actually decided to gain some weight back, because I wanted to though). You're happy, you look great. F em'.1
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I think we come here for support not matter what nobody to criticize anyone for trying to make themselves better, BTW eating a doughnut is no answer you need healthy foods. So please stay strong in your journey to good healthy and ignore all nay sayers1
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Oh just to clarify, this was a real life "friend," nobody here! That would truly shock me, we are cool people!
Again, thank you all for your wise and kind words. It was just such an odd comment.1 -
I don't get that (at 5'5", around 120 pounds, literally no breasts (post-mastectomy)) - I'm more likely to get "skin & bones" kinds of things, or hints that I look older (no one's come right out and said it, though). Maybe when one is 60 rather than 45 . . . ? (Just kidding!) Regardless . . .
I. Do. Not. Care.
For me, this is all about my health & how I feel. I don't give a rat's patootie about my appearance. I'm happy & confident. What's relevant for me:- The lighter I am, the less my messed-up knees hurt (torn meniscus, arthritis) - dramatically less, in fact.
- The American Cancer Society says "Be as lean as possible throughout life without being underweight." As a survivor of stage III breast cancer, I care about their recommendations.
- Blood pressure and cholesterol/triglycerides, formerly unhealthily high, are now solidly in the normal range.
- I've consulted my doctor about my weight goals, and we concur that things are fine.
- I'm much more active, physically stronger, on fewer meds, and generally healthier than anyone who's said anything remotely like this to me.
So, nanny-nanny-boo-boo, critics: Thanks for your concern, but I think I'll just keep on being me.
OP, you may be unusual for your age group . . . but sometimes that's a good thing.
(An aside: Appearance critiques seem to be the way to make digs at women in our culture, regardless of whether appearance is relevant to the topic at hand. SMH.)31 -
I find that when people say stupid stuff, it is because they are insecure with themselves and try to bring you down to feel better. What they probably meant, was "wow, she looks so good for her age. She takes care of herself, and it reminds me that I am not taking care of myself, so I will say something to shoot her down and help take the focus off of how I really feel about myself. " I try not to let peoples opinions get to me. It is only a reflection of how they feel inside, and it makes me work harder on myself. Keep up the awesome work!!! You look great.
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CindyFooWho wrote: »I'm really trying to take some of the comments I've been receiving in the spirit with which they were (I hope) intended, but sometimes it's hard. I've received the usual, "geez, eat a donut or something" but the most recent one really kind of bothered me. It was "you look like a 12 year old." I'm sorry, was that at all supposed to be flattering? I look like a CHILD?
Just to paint a picture, I'm 125 lbs at 5' 4". Slightly muscular. Seems perfectly normal to me and I feel fantastic. I feel normal and strong. I'm not dieting and am upping my calories weekly to find maintenance. Anyway, the critiques get hard to listen to sometimes.
I think the problem is that I'm FAR from 12. I'm 45, in fact, and many women in my circle of friends are a bit heavier. And that's FINE, I think they're beautiful. But perhaps they think that's the way I should also appear? As if, I'm freakish for my age group? (I'm not) Maybe? I don't know.
Anyway, no real question here, just getting it off my chest. Frustrated & trying to ignore it.
You look great. Let the stupidity fall into the garbage where they belong.2 -
People are stupid =_= I'm 19 and I get bad comments, I lost 4 pound unintentionally, I'm 5'3 and 116 lbs now,I still have a curvy figure(hourglass) and a round face, people be like "eww I can't imagine myself in your body, you're bony"
And when you're heavier they'll still make comments about you, welcome to the screwed up society where body shaming is the norm =_= ignore them, being fit is awesome, I hope we see more people like you, people who take care of themselves rather than sitting all day and stuffing themselves junks then complain about having health issues.
So keep up the great work!6 -
People do seem to think it's OK to make rude comments about women being thin, probably they don't think you are sensitive about it, since there are enough examples of skinny beauty in the media they think you are confident and happy with your size and are teasing. They don't know that guys have made comments about "not womanly enough" or that people mock those with small breasts and slim hips, it's not on their radar that you might be hurt by hurtful comments, basically.
Just point out that it's mean and let it go.
Also, aren't you happier now that you are older? The body type I have, it was less than satisfactory when I was young because guys all wanted the T&A and I never felt sexy. But I'll be d-word-ed, it held up so well through 4 pregnancies and nearly 50 years, there is less to sag because everything is built so close to the body, and though it won't ever be va va voom, it's still holding up so nicely.
So true! I wouldn't let it bother you. I honestly describe my physical appearance as that of a 12yr old, because it is true. My youngest kids are 12. We are the same height and weight. Most of their friends are larger. I have a very youthful face (even with wrinkles at 41). I have no boobs. I wear size 12 girls jeans. Most people think I am my kids sibling and not their mother. It comes with the territory of being petite, slim and young looking.1 -
Some folks are just poor communicators. There are folks on here from all over the world too(pretty cool) and sometimes the language might make clear communication difficult. Perhaps the offense comment was an attempt to compliment you on a perceived youthful appearance.4
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I agree with the other comments. OP you don't look like you have a 12 yr old body. People transfer their insecurities into the form of negative comments. Being a 45 yr old black female in Atlanta, my body type is not the average! Most admire my muscular stomach (can't see it in my profile pic) but they quickly combat a positive with a negative. It's like they can be sensitive about being overweight but we are not supposed to be sensitive about our bodies?6
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Groups tend to develop certain dynamics over time, and people tend to come to be expected to fit certain roles. So, when a person does something to change themselves and their role within the group changes somehow, it can be uncomfortable for the other group members, and an adjustment will need to take place, that can take some time. In the meantime, it can be uncomfortable.
I'm not trying to excuse people's bad behavior (12, really?!), but maybe understanding the reasons behind people actions can help you deal with it a little better.7 -
People make comments because they are not used to seeing you at this size. They will get used to it. If not my strategy is to say (In a really nice tone), " Wow, that was a really mean thing to say; and you hurt my feelings". That usually sets them straight.
I think this is the PERFECT response.
I think a lot of us naturally try to go for the passive aggressive (or even just aggressive) response, but I honestly believe that being sincere and straightforward is a better way to get it to actually stop- especially if the person/people are friends. The chances are probably slim that your friends are actually trying to hurt you.
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my mother in law has lost about 40lbs in the last 5 months, one of her good friends asked her "what are you trying to do?" as though she was showing up her friends or being ridiculous in her attempts to get healthy (which she is not, she is just putting in the work needed to get her health back).
My advice to her and to you is the same, don't let other peoples insecurities, lack of progress or willpower steal your achievements.
You sound like you are healthy and thriving, unfortunately women tend to attack or belittle their peers instead of holding them up and empowering them. Stay strong and stay true to you. Hugs!6
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