Not meaning to offend any obese people, but...

The 'magic button' is the cold hard truth that Biggest Loser delivers to every person that enters the show. They meet with a doctor that has the balls to look at them and tell them you are at risk of this, your arteries look like this, you are projected to die in 2022.. and the 'trainer'/family to tell them you are killing yourself, you will die before your kids reach this age, you will never see the day when ..., etc.

The magic button is TRUTH.

And the solution is to be there when they fall..

I wish there was a magic button we could press to make him realize how much we care about him and make him want to care about himself...

I don't think I've seen this addressed on this forum before. Really good question. Jon Gabriel [The Gabriel Method] has a number of connecting theories and I tend to agree with him. His theories made sense to me on a very basic level. If you have not discovered him yet, I urge you to research and buy his book. It is cutting edge and goes way beyond the usual platitudes and oft repeated lip service addressing the question "Why am I So Fat?"

At the risk of oversimplifying, the theory that stuck in my mind the most described different survival instincts and triggers. He asked himself, what makes some animals of the SAME species naturally thin and others naturally adipose [fat]?

I have two cats I rescued from an over-burdened cattery. Sisters. Retired queens that did not get enough handling. But that's another story. One is fat and relatively content and the other is lean and wary. Spooky even. For the first year, it was almost impossible to get near her, while her sister accepted her new environment relatively quickly and would sit on the arm of the chair next to me quite happily. Why are these two cats from the same family and environment so different?

Jon's theory is that one has the survival switch turned on that tells the cat it must be ready to run from predators at a moments' notice [thin and wary]. Something happened to this cat that triggered that instinct. The other cat's survival switch is turned on that tells it it is in danger of starvation, so it must hold onto every fat cell it can, in case famine occurs [fat and getting fatter]. Something must have happened to that cat to trigger that survival instinct. The survival instinct priority is set within the most primal parts of the brain and our conscious mind has little control over it, until it figures out what's going on and devises of way of tricking it to turn it off.

In my case, I had to be the biggest, baddest meanest girl on the block to survive. Not that I was, but that's what I believed. Somehow I got the message that weight was power. I had to have the size and strength to stand and fight in the event I was challenged. The unfortunate paradox that belief sent me into is something you're all well acquainted with. The idea of running away never occurred to me. Had it, I might have been naturally slim.

So....how did I finally figure out how to get rid of this excess baggage? I think my 'trick' to switch off the survival instinct is more or less a numbers game, combined with the belief that I must keep trying for the rest of my life, while allowing myself to do it imperfectly. Counting calories, and getting some really good vigorous exercise in once in a while that simulates running from a predator and not quitting when I perceive failure, but continuing. Not starting again, continuing. A failure is not an ending. It is merely a temporary delay. [Please see my blog on Black & White Thinking].

With the realization and acceptance that this is a lifelong war, comes the realization and acceptance I will win some battles and I will lose some, but if I keep trying and winning mroe battles than I lose, I will gain territory [lose weight]. It is not exactly a war I'm waging. More like a passive war, or a siege. Cut the supplies [calories], allowing the body enough to survive well, but willing the survival instinct to surrender to my conscious will. Varying the number of calories, so the body knows it will be fed and does not panic. Lowered calories then a feast every now and then, but unpredictably. Once the body accepts this as the norm and knows it will not die and that the next meal is always around the corner, perhaps the switch will be turned off. Until then, or never, I will continue the siege.

While I battle, I will continue to ask myself how to do this better and as I meet with success, I will probably be more willing to do more. Or not. I've accepted that I must do what I think is best for me, based on the understanding I have today and not wait for tomorrow, the right frame of mind, the perfect diet or a free gym membership. The perfect scenario is never going to happen and I have stopped waiting for it. I've been confused by conflicting instructions and details for too many years and using them as an excuse to not act. I'm not letting that happen anymore. I"m doing what's right for me today, based on the understanding I have right now.

Hollycat
:flowerforyou:

For me it was finally leanin on God to do it. I've tried so many times with no sucess. This time I've done herbalife, ww, and mfp - they all worked. Its not the diet its the change that happens within. I wanted this and I allowed God to help me. This weight loss this is a marathon not a sprint....So many hills and valleys could not do it without him

No, you can't do anything. You can encourage him to live a healthy lifestyle and show him through example but that is it. He has to make the choice. In my case, I got sick of it. Being fat isn't fun. People treat you worse, you can barely breath while going up stairs, you can't jump out of boats without having three people help you get back in.... You have to get completely sick and tired of your half alive lifestyle and believe that you deserve more.

I was scared that 2012 would happen and I would still be fat and have no boyfriend, to be honest lol.

You can't fix your body until you fix your head. There are emotional issues that leads to obesity. People turn to eating just as many turn to drugs or alcohol. The difference is that if an alocoholic take even a sip, they are off the wagon. Once they have the taste they want more. I quit smoking three times for years. The first two times I convinced myself one drag would be fine. I went back. What stopped it the third time was not taking that one drag. You see, you need food to live. The very thing you are addicted to. You can avoid the drug dealer. You can avoid the liquor store. You have to go the grocery store. Office parties have pot lucks for of food. Not drugs and alcohol. Food is socially acceptable. Eventual you try to lose the weight. But once you pass a certain threshold of weight, your body wants to retain it. You diet and exercise but lose very little weight. You hit these plataue's that are impossible to cross. Shows like Biggest Loser and Exreme Makeover Weightloss addition mean well, but often backfire. It tells skinny people that fat people are lazy. It shows that with proper diet and exercise that the weight pours of in under a year. The fact is when you get to be as big as your friend (which by the way I am), you would need the same benefits as these people on TV. They exercise eight hours per day. They are under constant medical evaluation and have an ambulance on standby for every work out session. They have access to a limited kitchen with no way to get junk food. It's basically rehab for fat people. Anybody could lose all their weight in that environment.

I have done every diet, and worked out every exercise that my doctor has approved (not many). This week alone I calapsed doing simple exercise that is merely a warm up to the average person. Every step I take is painful. Every breath I take is short. The bigger I get the harder it is to battle. Some say that obesity is the slowest form of suicide. It is possible, because if depression did not lead to your obesity, you obesity has certianly lead to your depression.

Abandonment issues, self esteme issues, physical abuse, sexual abuse, loss of a loved one (death), and quitting other addictions are the main emotional causes of obesity. You need to deal with those issues before you can start dealing with the obesity. Personally for me I have done all I can. My body is quitting on me. I will be having a gastric bypass about 6 months. I am trying to lose 10% of my weight before then to increase the chance of laproscopic as opposed to open surgery. I am also going to therapy now to make sure that I have my head in the right place for this massive life change. Once someone gets to 400lbs, the chance of losing weight without weightloss surgery is pretty slim (no pun intended). Unless that person has a personal chef & trainer like Oprah, or Bob & Jillian on a ranch like the biggest loser. I think if obese people could go on disability for a year and have a ranch like setting covered by medical insurance, we would all rather do that then go through surgery. Many people think that's the easy way out. Truth be told surgery is the hard way. It is the last result.

If your friend wants to die, he will not even try to lose weight. If he wants to lose weight, maybe he just needs options. My Mother, Father, and twin are also super morbidly obese. But when I moved from NY to CA where my half sister lives, she staged an intervention of sorts. She and her friend who weighted 450lbs at one time convinced me of gastric bypass. They showed me Kristen's before and after pics. Then she begged me to do something, anything. It helped. I tried to get the surgery before but it used to be really hard to get approved in the past. I knew this was my time and now it will happen.

I believe, just as addicts have to reach a rock bottom, so do the obese. You just have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I reached that point, I went to the doctor and said, if I feel like this now and I am so young, what will I feel like when i'm old? My doctor said "have you ever seen a fat old person? No! Because you either lose weight or die young!" That was my ah-ha moment. I was tired of feeling this way, my doctor put the fear of God in me, and I was now ready to be receptive to my sisters pleas. If your friend ever needs to talk to someone who is his size and found motivation, I would be happy to help. Having someone there for me who actually had been there and understood helped. Advice from thin people feels like a slap in the face sometimes. Its hard to believe they can understand.

Reggi

I always feel that obese people are emotional (I am one for sure) and being that backfires more than not. For me, the impulse to really get going and do something about myself came when I was confronted with a situation where my weight started to control my personality. Since childhood, i have been a big kid, but I was into so many things in school, the popular one, smart and enterprising. It didnt stop me until college. But, suddenly, inferiority complex took over, i wasnt confident anymore, I wasnt the person I always was. I shuned away from people, parties, social gatherings etc because I did not like the way I looked. I have just taken my baby step a month back when I joined here and hopefully, I will reinvent myself.

One day, last year, someone asked me how I was feeling. They didn't say "are you ok?" they asked "How are you feeling?" and they caught me on one of those days and it all came tumbling out. Afterwards I wanted to shove it back in but that person was supportive, they helped me start to make plans. Helped me start to achieve little baby steps to change my life.

That person totally saved me.

I sorted my head out and made some major changes in a lot of my life then I started to diet when I was happy without relying on the scale to make me happy. It's been the only time in my adult life that I've lost weight successfully. It's been an up and down journey but it's totally been worthwhile and I'm happier than I've been in my entire adult life.

Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. For me, I had to see pictures of me from a friends wedding where I thought I looked H-O-T, and I very obviously didn't. Since her wedding, I've lost 6 lbs.

My father was morbidly obese for the majority of the time I've been alive. He was depressed, he never left the house except to work, and then he got too sick to work. He had celulitus in his legs, then he developed type 2 diabetes. My brother and sister in law had to literally lock the cabinets and the fridge to keep him from eating while they were gone during the day. Then he developed congestive heart failure at age 63, and passed away 6 months later. He lived a remarkably long time for someone who was a ill as he was. He's also a huge reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. I can't be like him. I can't let my children lose me like that.

I agree with what everybody has said: each person's journey is different, and it will all happen when HE is ready.

PS: I think you should edit out the name of his workplace to protect his privacy.

Gary1977

I appreciate your input. I HAVE put forth the effort. I've done all that I can do on my own. I think I may have to stay off the message boards. This is supposed to be a supporting each other. I've heard nothing but put downs about wanting to have this surgery. I am 40 years old and weigh over 400lbs. I have a number of health issues and have had more than one doctor tell me that I will not live long enough to lose the weight on my own. This surgery is not for people who haven't not tried everything. This surgery is for people who have no more options. I have no more options. I am actually sick of repeating the speech in numerous forum replies. I am not lazy, I am not misguided, I am not overzealous, I am not misinformed. I know exactly what I am getting into. I have read every book, journal, article, online website, watched documentaries, watched youtube videos, reseached and interviewed numerous surgeons. I have gone to support groups online and in person. I have taken classes about weightloss surgery, as well as taken health and wellness classes. I have done it all and all of this is a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of effort, attempts, and various tactics I have used to try to lose weight the non-surgical way. Once you reach a certain weight your body will not release fat without extreme amounts of exercise. I cannot do the exercise necessary without being carefully monitored and I do not have the time or money for that. If insurance covered the needs to handle this without surgery I would do it. Alas, it does not. My husband is laid off and I cannot give up work for a year to exercise 8-10 hours per day. This is my last resort. Typically someone my size will lose approximately 175lbs in first year. After that, with proper exercise and diet the rest will come off. This is why I joined this group. To start building these healthy habits now. I also joined one on one therapy to make sure my head is right and ready for something so extreme. It sucks, but this is my life now and I will do whatever I have to do to save it. I let someone talk me out of this surgery years ago and have regretted it ever since. I will leave the message boards now. Instead of leaving with support and motivation, I just get alot of nay sayers who are not medical professionals trying to talk me out of the tool I need to save my life. At my size, diet and exercise (in normal amts without a doctor, chef, & personal trainer moving in) is kind of like a mechanic trying to fix a car with an empty toolbox and a lot of know how.

It was a lot of things. feeling sick all the time, wanting a baby..etc.

What is most important to remember is that the person has to want it...

You can't fix your body until you fix your head. There are emotional issues that leads to obesity.

Exactly. The OP's friend more likely needs therapy to tackle those issues first.

I know which emotional issues led me here. Somehow turning 40 removed a lot of the head noise and made me really ready for this life change.

PositiveGoals, I was really touched reading your story. I respect each person's ability to choose what's best to get their health and life on track. I hope your surgery goes well. Bless you.

My friends and I decided 2011 was the year we were gonna lose weight! I'm the only one that stuck with it.

Personally, my weight gain coincided first with trauma, and then with the loss of both my parents 6 months apart from one another. Basically, I used food as my way of dealing...I became addicted to it. It provided me with a shield to separate me from the world. I had been told by people in the acting world to lose weight, that it would open up more opportunities...my Mom was on me about my weight since I was in grade school, etc...etc.. It all fell on deaf ears. After years of struggle with depression, suicidal ideation and obesity I went to my Dr. in February and was told in no uncertain terms that I was diabetic and had high cholesterol and that if I did not want to get heart disease and be insulin dependent in two years I needed to start taking care of myself. That very day I sent home and signed up with mfp so that I could keep track of my carbs and changed my diet completely. i log every single thing that goes in my mouth. What a difference it has made. As of my last visit I am no longer diabetic, and am now in the pre-diabetic category and my cholesterol went down 48 points to the normal range... There is still a lot farther to go. I started at 362 lbs and am now 323 lbs...I agree with a lot of people here...you have to hit rock bottom and be honest with yourself and others...

Your friend is so fortunate to have you as a friend....Knowing people care will make a bit difference. In fact one of my good friends told me about MFP about 3 months before I started doing it and I am so so grateful for it...All the best to you and your friend...