Eating Disorder Dangers

I don't know if this is the right section of the forum to post this, but I do need support, so I figured I'd put it here. If it should be somewhere else, I'd appreciate the admins either telling me or moving it. Thanks in advance.

Anyway...I was hospitalized for anorexia when I was in my 20's. I'm 5'3", and I was down to 73 lbs. While I was in the hospital, of course, I learned all about bulimia. But I hated the whole "purging" thing. I got out of the hospital and, after a few stumbles, I got healthy (I'm also a recovering addict/alcoholic, but that's another forum altogether). I maintained my weight at around 115 lbs until I was in my 30's. I had two children, and my weight remained steady at 125. I wasn't really happy with the extra 10 lbs., but I was still small enough to shop in the sections of the store that I liked, so it was all good.

When my weight jumped to 130 (while the kids were in pre-school and grammar school), I once again started starving myself and exercising like crazy. But I found that the starvation protocol was making me exhausted and, since I had two children (I was a single parent), a career, and a house to maintain, I started purging. Eventually that made me very sick, and I got therapy. I was once again okay. I thought.

In my 40's, I met the love of my life, and we were happy. I mean, really happy. My weight yo-yoed from 125 to around 140, back and forth over the years that we were together, but he looked at me like a sex goddess and I felt that way (probably because that's what I saw in his eyes).

He passed away a little over a year ago from pancreatic cancer, and I fell into a deep depression. Between the depression and the meds prescribed for it, I ballooned to over 190 lbs. Again, I'm 5'3", so yeah, not good. The fatter I got, the more depressed I got, until finally, this June, I decided to do something about it. I joined Planet Fitness, threw out all of the junk food, and bought a bunch of healthy food. During the month of June, I dropped from 194 to 172. Yay, right?

No. Because in July, the last two weeks of it, my life became a mess, due in large part to my roommate, who is schizophrenic, becoming very, very symptomatic. She was finally hospitalized this past weekend, but while I was trying to take care of her, I stopped taking care of myself. I totally slacked on my workouts and my eating plan, and I went back up to 188.

I've been doing well this week, but I've also been overdoing those "low calorie" snack packs. I have a bunch of them, and my problem is this: I barely eat anything all day, say about 600 calories, and then, around 8 at night, I go to my room and start writing (I journal a lot because I write for a living). While I'm journaling, my hand is constantly creeping into the "snack drawer." I keep telling myself, "Last one," but that inevitably turns into 5.

I haven't started purging. Yet. But I've been considering buying a box of Ex-Lax, and even the THOUGHT of that is dangerous for me. I know that I need to change my eating habits; I know that I need to eat steadily throughout the day, and be mindful while I'm eating. I know I shouldn't have the snacks in my room, where they're so accessible (I live in a community residence right now, and I hate coming downstairs at night, so if I keep the snacks downstairs I probably won't be as inclined to eat them). But the problem is implementing all that.

I'm sorry, I know this is a long post, but I feel like I have to get it all out there before I chicken out. I don't like exposing myself to new people, but I feel so god-awful alone right now. I need support from people who understand what I'm going through. My goals are totally unrealistic (my tracker says lose 2 lbs. a week but I want to lose at least 4 lbs. a week) and I'm just setting myself up for failure.

If there's anyone out there who understands any of this, I'd appreciate a friend request. Thanks for reading.

Gentle Breezes,
Mo