Nothing above the knees?
ericaconti
Posts: 72 Member
I love my mother, but she's a horrible, mean-spirited woman.
I've lost over 140 pounds. During the entire time I was losing weight, she continually told me to keep my fat clothes because I'm going to gain all my weight back. While maintaining my weightloss, she told me how "disgusting" my saggy skin looked. I got a breast lift and thigh lift (for me, not because of her comments). The other day I went to my parents house wearing a skirt (above the knees, but not super short). My mother told me how gross my surgical scars looks and that I should be embarrassed and ashamed and should never wear anything above the knee. I should keep my scars covered at all times.
My husband tells me I'm beautiful and should wear whatever I feel comfortable with; however, every time I put on a dress, skirt, shorts, etc., I hear my mother's voice telling me to cover up my gross scars.
Should I listen to my mother, feel embarrassed and ashamed, and cover up? Should I be proud of my hardwork and wear what I want? Would seeing my scars gross you out?
I've lost over 140 pounds. During the entire time I was losing weight, she continually told me to keep my fat clothes because I'm going to gain all my weight back. While maintaining my weightloss, she told me how "disgusting" my saggy skin looked. I got a breast lift and thigh lift (for me, not because of her comments). The other day I went to my parents house wearing a skirt (above the knees, but not super short). My mother told me how gross my surgical scars looks and that I should be embarrassed and ashamed and should never wear anything above the knee. I should keep my scars covered at all times.
My husband tells me I'm beautiful and should wear whatever I feel comfortable with; however, every time I put on a dress, skirt, shorts, etc., I hear my mother's voice telling me to cover up my gross scars.
Should I listen to my mother, feel embarrassed and ashamed, and cover up? Should I be proud of my hardwork and wear what I want? Would seeing my scars gross you out?
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Replies
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You should absolutely be proud of yourself and wear whatever you want!! First of all, who cares what others think about your scars or your body. If I saw your scars, I wouldn't think they were gross or that you should cover them up; I would simply assume they were part of your story.
While I haven't had to experience nearly the same level of meanness from someone close to me, I do understand how hard it is to move past those kinds of comments and live life your way. I still get self-conscious sometimes about comments my mom made to me daily during middle school and part of high school. Please don't let your mom make you feel bad about yourself or your progress.6 -
Of course you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in. What an *kitten* your mother is! (no offense). I don't think I have ever met a single person who didn't have any scars.... we all still wear dresses and shorts and swim suits, too. Besides, it's summer and hot outside. "Whatever. I do what I want!"2
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I would wear whatever I felt comfortable in and stop hanging out with my mom.10
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You should wear what you want and you should also make a note to not treat your children the way your mother treats you.13
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I would tell my mother that due to her abusive and unacceptable behavior I was cutting contact with her, and I would listen to my husband.7
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also I have scars here there and everywhere... it's nothing really. people collect them over the course of a lifetime. Nobody looking at you is going to worry about that.3
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Absolutely not. wear what you like and maybe try and tell your mother that her comments are hurtful and to keep them to herself. your scars will fade in time and if you can get hold of Bio-Oil to help them along the way, great. and no, they wouldn't gross me out. i've seen much worse than scars. i'm probably nosey enough to ask about them though. chin up, youv've lost an amazing amount of weight and should be proud of your achievements. you have a supportive husband so listen to him instead.3
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ericaconti wrote: »I love my mother, but she's a horrible, mean-spirited woman.
I've lost over 140 pounds. During the entire time I was losing weight, she continually told me to keep my fat clothes because I'm going to gain all my weight back. While maintaining my weightloss, she told me how "disgusting" my saggy skin looked. I got a breast lift and thigh lift (for me, not because of her comments). The other day I went to my parents house wearing a skirt (above the knees, but not super short). My mother told me how gross my surgical scars looks and that I should be embarrassed and ashamed and should never wear anything above the knee. I should keep my scars covered at all times.
My husband tells me I'm beautiful and should wear whatever I feel comfortable with; however, every time I put on a dress, skirt, shorts, etc., I hear my mother's voice telling me to cover up my gross scars.
Should I listen to my mother, feel embarrassed and ashamed, and cover up? Should I be proud of my hardwork and wear what I want? Would seeing my scars gross you out?
My mom is very similar. When I was heavy, she told me, often.
When I lost weight, she mentioned the bulges from the loose skin. When I went for a tummy tuck, she told me it was a huge mistake. I will get a thigh lift at some point and she will criticize that too.
It's not you, it's her.
My TT made me so happy and proud to wear things I couldn't wear before, as I imagine your surgeries did for you. Don't let her issues become yours. You worked hard, you deserve to feel beautiful, you are beautiful. Most people won't even notice the scars. She just knows they're there so she picks on you. Tell her if she brings them up again, you will leave and not come back until she promises to not mention them again.6 -
Scorpio8402 wrote: »I would wear whatever I felt comfortable in and stop hanging out with my mom.
^^^^this....just because she's blood doesn't mean you have to visit.(or even like much)4 -
Scars are not gross.3
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Ouch! You make me very glad my mom, who isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, isn't so petty and spiteful. Just remember, her comments are more about her than they are you. I've never understood people who feel the need to cut others down to feel good about themselves and can understand even less doing it to one's offspring.
Honestly, if it were me I'd have it out with her. It doesn't have to be a shouting match but simply telling your mother that she should keep her mean and hurtful thoughts to herself or you'll need to limit your time with her might be needed here. She may not even realize what she's doing, although, from the outside, it's hard to imagine she doesn't.
Dress in whatever way you feel most comfortable. Everyone has scars and stretch marks. Even celebrities who look perfect usually have them airbrushed out in photos. You've worked very hard to reach the place you are today physically. Don't let your mother wreck your happiness.2 -
You rock! The fact that you have someone cutting you down every step of the way and you are still overcoming and doing what's best for you is an inspiration- good for you! Flaunt that beautiful body - you have earned it. You're mother sounds petty and unhappy with herself if she feels the need to speak that way to you, don't listen. She is dead wrong on so many levels.2
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That level of hostility about your physical appearance isn't about you; there's something going on with her and she's projecting it in a really inappropriate way onto you. Everyone has scars/stretch marks/etc. They're just a consequence of being alive. Expecting someone else to change their behavior in order to make her more comfortable is fairly immature (and so is being "grossed out" by scars as an adult). Wear what you want.3
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Ditto what everyone else said! That's horrible and I'm sorry you are dealing with that. How do you respond? I'm sure you are feeling great and much more confident, so project that. I'd respond something like, "I look and feel great! I wear what I'm comfortable in. If you don't like it or my scars then don't look at them." Change the subject or leave. Just because we are related to people by blood does NOT obligate us to put up with their abuse.
I have a scar from my sternum all the way down to my pelvis and I wear bikinis at the pool or water park. If people don't like the scar then they can look away.7 -
Thanks everyone. My mother has always been verbally and emotionally abusive so it's pretty much all I know from her. My husband tells me all the time I should cut her out or at least cut down on my contact with her, but she's my mom so it's tough. Also, when she's nice, really nice, but you never know when she's going to not be nice. I know it's an abusive relationship. When she makes her rude comments, I usually just change the subject or walk away.0
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Sadly enough, I have one of those mothers too. I have come realize that not everyone's mom is Harriet Nelson, and wishes the best for their child. Your mother is unhappy and insecure, and she is projecting her negativity onto you. You should be proud of your self because you set a goal and you've accomplished it. You have a husband who loves you. Count your blessings and leave hateful people behind. I know that's hard to do, I have left my mother's house or gotten off the phone with her in tears many times in the past, but I choose to be healthy physically and mentally, so I keep her at a distance. One day your mom ma change her ways, but until then wear your dresses, success, new attitude and be happy!4
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I am super sensitive to the comments of others. I lived in an extremely hot area and for forty years suffered because I refused to wear shorts or tee shirts, because of what others had said about scars, saggy arms, etc. The hell with them. Life is too short.2
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First let me congratulate you on your success! You should be so proud! Second, to go along with that, wear what you feel comfortable wearing. I am very sorry for you to have to hear those comments. Always hold your head up and be proud of who and what you are...a great example!2
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ericaconti wrote: »Thanks everyone. My mother has always been verbally and emotionally abusive so it's pretty much all I know from her. My husband tells me all the time I should cut her out or at least cut down on my contact with her, but she's my mom so it's tough. Also, when she's nice, really nice, but you never know when she's going to not be nice. I know it's an abusive relationship. When she makes her rude comments, I usually just change the subject or walk away.
I have to agree with your husband. I haven't spoken to my dad since 2011 for similar reasons. I put up with him for the sake of family peace but called it quits the day he tried turning it on my husband and daughter. It was one of the best decisions of my adult life. Easy? No. Worth it? Absolutely. I encourage you to give it serious consideration.4 -
Not nice = turn on your heel, grab your car keys and leave. Or hang up the phone and turn the ringer off. Never reward abusive behavior ... with attention, or whatever else they may want from you.3
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you should cover your mother.......in a deep hole using concret......only kidding
dont listen to her, you have done so well and can wear what makes you happy, id defo limit any time i spent with her too, negative people are a drain on life and shouldnt be given your time!!
you are amazing at what you have done and should be proud of it.
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Congratulations on the awesome loss. Wear what you want , you're an adult. People are cruel and most of them are friends and family. Put the hurtful words and emotional pain behind you and go enjoy life.
I am super impressed with your loss. That truly is remarkable. Continue to share your journey with others. You are an inspiration. Wow!2 -
I am truly sorry for you having to be in a relationship with your mom like this. Some folks will tell you that you have to stay because she's family. Some will tell you to cut her off. I am in the middle. I had to cut off a few family members due to their toxic behaviors. It was impacting me and my home life with my husband a kids. I'd come home stressed and sad because of their behavior. Over the years, I hardly talk to them and see them. To be honest, I am so much happier. My husband and kids are amazing. When I do see them, it is for short periods of time.
You should be proud of yourself and start limiting time with your mom. I believe in having people around that provide love and support. It's ok to have honest and blunt people around, but it can be done in a non abusive way. I've had many harsh truths told to me, but how the people approached them made the difference.
I hope you are able to work through this and learn to be proud and happy of your accomplishment. I am proud of you. =]4 -
Sadly your mother is a very toxic person, and the best thing you can do with toxic people--even your parents or children--is cut them out. Someone very dear to me has gone through hell and back with a toxic mother, and while there are still some difficulties, over a year has gone by and they are ultimately glad they removed her from their life. The fact that these horrible things are coming from someone who is supposed to be such an important person in your life is the reason it's making it so hard for you to appreciate your successes and why you keep hearing her comments when you try to do something for yourself.
Don't worry about the scars. Even if some of us easily become curious, it's nobody's business but yours! If you want to reduce their appearance for yourself, by all means go for it! But don't let one bitter person's crap keep you from wearing the clothes you want, doing the things you like, strutting your stuff, and--most importantly--loving yourself!3 -
I would tell my mother that due to her abusive and unacceptable behavior I was cutting contact with her, and I would listen to my husband.
This! Although family, and it's hard but no one should have this abuse in their life. I would assume this is where the weight gain came from in first place!1 -
I would have no hesitation in telling my mother to *ferret* the *ferret* off, and when she gets there to *ferret* off some more
And I strongly advise you to do the same
It is most liberating2 -
I would tell my mother that due to her abusive and unacceptable behavior I was cutting contact with her, and I would listen to my husband.
This^^^^^
She's rude. I would take a break from her and not give it a second thought.
Absolutely do what YOU want to do.
Listen to your husband and wear whatever you want.
Congratulations on your weight loss, good for you!
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ericaconti wrote: »Would seeing my scars gross you out?
Absolutely not. You should see mine. They're small, and they have nothing to do with weight loss or surgery. But I have a few. So does everyone on the planet. And we've all got a story to tell. It's part of what makes us interesting.1 -
Your mother is a toxic human being. The best and most healthy thing for you do to is to avoid contact with her.
Yes it is hard. Yes you will feel bad/guilty/etc.
Yes it is worth doing. And yes it is okay for you to do so.
I know personally I have been a much happier person since removing my own toxic family from my life.1
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