Double Standards (minor rant)
Lunachic77
Posts: 434 Member
So I went to visit my in-laws for the 4th of July weekend. I have dropped 37 lbs since anyone there has seen me last. Instead of a warm reception I got comments ranging from "OMG you are so skinny", "Are you anorexic", "Your too old to try and fit in a size 0" "Honey you need to eat more". Why is it perfectly ok to insult me for being thinner yet if I would've turned around and said something like " Wow you really packed on some pounds since I last saw you" or "Man, it's been 8 months since you had that baby, I didn't know you were supposed to get bigger after giving birth" then I would be considered rude and mean.
Why is it such a double standard when it comes to weight? WHy is it acceptable to berrate people for being thinner yet perfectly ok to not say anything to someone being overweight? I personally don't make comments either way. I usually just say, "Wow you look great, how have you been".
I worked really hard to lose the weight and get in shape. I don't starve myself and I haven't done this the unhealthy way. I reduced my intake and worked out. I became aware of portion sizes and follow them correctly now. I eat better wholesome foods now and dropped junk like soda and only eat fast food in moderation. It took months of discipline and hard work to accomplish my goal...and it took 10 minutes of listening to my family make their crap comments to make me feel like *kitten* again. Their comments won't change what I am doing or my lifestyle but it was just a real eye-opener of how nasty people can be and don't even realize it. Just wanted to hear any fellow MFPers stance/opinion on this or if it has happened to them...
Why is it such a double standard when it comes to weight? WHy is it acceptable to berrate people for being thinner yet perfectly ok to not say anything to someone being overweight? I personally don't make comments either way. I usually just say, "Wow you look great, how have you been".
I worked really hard to lose the weight and get in shape. I don't starve myself and I haven't done this the unhealthy way. I reduced my intake and worked out. I became aware of portion sizes and follow them correctly now. I eat better wholesome foods now and dropped junk like soda and only eat fast food in moderation. It took months of discipline and hard work to accomplish my goal...and it took 10 minutes of listening to my family make their crap comments to make me feel like *kitten* again. Their comments won't change what I am doing or my lifestyle but it was just a real eye-opener of how nasty people can be and don't even realize it. Just wanted to hear any fellow MFPers stance/opinion on this or if it has happened to them...
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Replies
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Wow I'm sorry =/ Stuff like that is just really annoying. You've worked so hard and all you get is criticism! They are probably just jealous because you look fabulous! Since I can be kind of mean when people are mean first, I probably would have asked if they had gained weight! Even though you are thin now, doesn't change the fact that it hurts!0
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People who haven't had to/haven't tried to lose weight don't really understand why what they say is so downputting to you.
It's been said several times, at least that I've heard, that if you ate the way the average mother wants you to eat, well, that's how a lot of us got in that situation in the first place. It's a terrible thing, but family is one of the worst places to go for motivation, because they will judge you without taking the time to understand what you're going through.
Trust me, I came home after university to my mother's shocked and appalled looks at how 'skinny' I am, despite still techniically being about five pounds overweight!
Just go with whoever encourages you, and ignore the ones who're gonna put you down!
Haters gonna hate!0 -
I've been told to eat a cheeseburger recently. 25 lbs. ago I was told I should start exercising.
But it's not about other people. You're doing it for you (at least I hope you are!). Ignore their comments and keep moving forward.0 -
Next time someone says something nasty about you losing weight, say something nasty about them finding it :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0
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Classic family ish! Remember how good you feel about your accomplishment and what it means TO YOU! and how you are doing what most of the population...wont. Discipline yourself and making your health a priority. GO YOU!!
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You look seriously fantastic! Chalk it up as jealousy and just keep doing what you've been doing.0
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I love this! And I know exactly what you mean.0
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Turn-about is fair play.
If they want to be rude, then a reply along the lines of "it looks like you found the pounds I fought to lose" is certainly warranted. Some people love to criticize others, because it makes them feel better about themselves. You cannot change them; however you CAN change how they interact with you.
If they are offended by this response, and don't talk to you, are you really any worse off? I would rather be left alone, than deal with rude people.0 -
My guess is that they aren't as health conscious as you and that they are jealous of how great you look now. While it is annoying to have people comment (whether too fat or too skinny), I'd try to look at it as a compliment. You worked hard to get where you are and you did it the right way. Don't let anybody try to knock you down because they can't or won't do what you did.
Just my 2 cents.0 -
I agree that body acceptance should be full-circle. Fat acceptance and skinny acceptance, and everything in between.0
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congrats on your weight lost first off! People tend to be jerks no matter what. Take me, im a big guy and i have lost lil over 30 so far. I was feeling good about it ya kno? then someone close to me says this "Good job but your so fat, you shouldnt eat at all, you have more then enough to lose." Screw them people, good job to you!0
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Family.. no matter what you do you will be judged... measured and found wanting... You can choose your friends but are stuck with family... shake it off (easier said than done) and do what YOU know to be best for YOU...0
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honestly i've gotten this treatment my whole life. It's always "you're soooooo skinny, too skinny" "do you eat" "you need to gain weight." I even started to envy a friend you had bigger legs than me. Now, i love having MFP to show people how to do it the right way with proof- even though it should'nt be this way IT IS. I totally agree with you.
These comments put pressure on me to always be skinny, so it's a motivator to stay in shape too. Who cares what they think - they don't even work out AT ALL!
-Maddelin0 -
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
It's happened to me before to and it really does hurt. I hate how they throw around 'are you anorexic'.....just because you are skinny does NOT mean you are anorexic. If only I could choke everyone that said that....but, I digress...
I think you look fantastic and are at a normal weight for your height. As someone who is 5'7, 111 on me would be underweight. Maybe they don't understand that the shorter you are, your weight can be in the lower ranges without being underweight. Next time they say anything, I would pull up MFP and show them what you are doing and show them how well it worked for you. If they scoff at you for even mentioning trying it, screw them. Let them have their ignorant bliss.0 -
What matters is how you feel. Do you feel healthy? Do you feel happy? If you feel you are too skinny then you probably are, but what other people say family or not, wont make you feel unhealthy if you are healthy, certainly might make you feel unhappy though if you let it. It's your life and the main goal is to get and feel healthy, no matter what others think, they aren't living in your body, you are. Enjoy reaching your goals!0
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Anyone who puts someone down is obviously unhappy with themselves. Don't let it get you down, you are better then that. and obviously a skinny minnie who elicits jealousy! it sucks, but you deserve way better than feeling bad because of someone else. Congrats on your awesome accomplishment!0
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That is a shame, but so true.
I have been seeing a lot of friends/family recently that haven't seen me in a while and I'm getting a lot of "you're so skinny", most are followed by "but you still look good" but some people aren't as complimentary.
Shrug it off & enjoy the benefits of your efforts!0 -
I would look at it like this: They see you getting healthy and it makes them uncomfortable. It's not that they don't want you to lose weight and get in shape, because I think they do. But you losing weight makes their health and weight that much more apparent to themselves. It makes them uncomfortable, so they tell you to go back to how you were - to gain some weight.
In a family, everybody has a role to play. It may or may not be a healthy or functional role, but that's the role they play in the family. A drug addict, for example, is often the focus of a family group. Everyone worries about Johnny, talks about Johnny's problem, etc. But once Johnny sobers up and starts to live a healthy life, the family is thrown into upheaval. They don't know what to do without fretting about Johnny's addiction. His getting sober forces the family into a new situation where everyone is having to forge new roles. That stress is often high enough for families to try to keep an individual in their unhealthy role, simply so the family can continue to function as it has.
I'm not saying that this is entirely translatable to your situation. But it has some parallels. Changing one aspect of a dynamic can throw the whole system into disarray.0 -
That!Family.. no matter what you do you will be judged... measured and found wanting... You can choose your friends but are stuck with family... shake it off (easier said than done) and do what YOU know to be best for YOU...0 -
been told that also.........you know what my come back is "JEALOUSY REALLY SUCKS DOESN'T" !!!!0
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I know I'm going to get spit at for this, but I'm going to dive down the hole anyways. I'm your height, and I was your weight, and it is quite low. I now see how I looked and it wasn't a healthy look.
I got the exact same comments, and it was so frustrating, but don't dismiss all of them. I sure wish I had listened earlier than I did..0 -
That is so rude! You look fantastic!
I think after so many fad diets in our culture, people don't think you can lose weight in a healthy way. You just must be doing some kind of crazy cleanse or taking a pill. They don't understand that you are taking good care of yourself in ways they don't know how.
I wouldn't have the balls to say something rude back, but I'd want to so much. I'd rather defend myself if that happened.0 -
Jealously0
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Thanks for all the nice comments and support! They aren't per say "my" family...they are my husband's and not all of them are family either. Some are neighbors and family friends. I' m not the type to insult anyone, especially when I am a guest in their home. Trust me, there are plenty of rude things to say, but then I would be just as nasty as they were to me. Another thing I noticed is when I left the room and came back the women would get all quiet which is a deadringer that they were talking about me...*shrug*.
I still had a great time there and the look I got when we went to the pool was priceless! (WTG bikini lol). I'm happy with myself and how I look and that really is what matters.0 -
People are shocked when they see you and sometimes the stupidest things come out of our mouths when people are shocked. Please don't worry, after seeing you a few times, they will get used to your weight.
P.S. Does how does your husband handle all of this? Does he stick up for you? I hope so! 0 -
I TOTALLY understand how you feel. MY own family talks to me that way and last time I saw them I was called 'Rat Face' from my own dad. He also called my diet an 'issue' and said I acted as if I was on drugs....why? Because I want to be healthy? Would you accept me if I ate a greasy burger instead?!?!?!So I went to visit my in-laws for the 4th of July weekend. I have dropped 37 lbs since anyone there has seen me last. Instead of a warm reception I got comments ranging from "OMG you are so skinny", "Are you anorexic", "Your too old to try and fit in a size 0" "Honey you need to eat more". Why is it perfectly ok to insult me for being thinner yet if I would've turned around and said something like " Wow you really packed on some pounds since I last saw you" or "Man, it's been 8 months since you had that baby, I didn't know you were supposed to get bigger after giving birth" then I would be considered rude and mean.
Why is it such a double standard when it comes to weight? WHy is it acceptable to berrate people for being thinner yet perfectly ok to not say anything to someone being overweight? I personally don't make comments either way. I usually just say, "Wow you look great, how have you been".
I worked really hard to lose the weight and get in shape. I don't starve myself and I haven't done this the unhealthy way. I reduced my intake and worked out. I became aware of portion sizes and follow them correctly now. I eat better wholesome foods now and dropped junk like soda and only eat fast food in moderation. It took months of discipline and hard work to accomplish my goal...and it took 10 minutes of listening to my family make their crap comments to make me feel like *kitten* again. Their comments won't change what I am doing or my lifestyle but it was just a real eye-opener of how nasty people can be and don't even realize it. Just wanted to hear any fellow MFPers stance/opinion on this or if it has happened to them...0 -
Sorry to hear it made you feel badly.
My best response to something like that has always been to look at them, blink, drop my jaw, and say with a smile, "Wow, are you *always* this insensitive and *****y, or is today a special occasion?" And if that's too mean, maybe, "Do you have any idea how insensitive that comment was?"
If gives them an opportunity to think about what they've said, possibly apologize or retract it if they were truly unaware.... or lets me know they really ARE louts and I can just walk away from them.
You've done super great, and I hope you can shake this off easily!0 -
you know..i have to take the side of the bad guy in this one
my sister who i know and love is on her too and i started telling her she was too low
and that in the pictures i saw of her that she was to skinny...and of course she stuck her tongue out at me
and there was thoughts that i was being jealous...in my eyes she didn't right...not straving...just not right
i was saying these things out of concern
she in turn started having a few issues and the doctor ran a bunch of tests and in the end told her to gain a few pounds as her body fat was too low...now she was very happy it wasn't anything serious...but it killed her that i was right , and i loved being right..sisterly love and all : )
we only want good things for the people we love..sometimes we just suck at saying it the right way0 -
I know I'm going to get spit at for this, but I'm going to dive down the hole anyways. I'm your height, and I was your weight, and it is quite low. I now see how I looked and it wasn't a healthy look.
I got the exact same comments, and it was so frustrating, but don't dismiss all of them. I sure wish I had listened earlier than I did..
I may look thin but I'm actually toned. Everyone wears their weight differently too. I have a very small frame so 110-115 suits me but I can appreciate your concern 0 -
I TOTALLY understand how you feel. MY own family talks to me that way and last time I saw them I was called 'Rat Face' from my own dad. He also called my diet an 'issue' and said I acted as if I was on drugs....why? Because I want to be healthy? Would you accept me if I ate a greasy burger instead?!?!?!
How horrible! 0
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