Double Standards (minor rant)

2

Replies

  • Shutterpillar
    Shutterpillar Posts: 208
    I've been there. people discover I am losing weight, trying to get in shape and have an overall healthier lifestyle, and its like the weight is all they care about. I hear comments all the time about how I am already skinny and dont need to be losing weight. or my favorite... "why are you losing weight? I would give anything to look like you now!"
    I know it is meant as a compliment most of the time, but its like a backhanded one. I am trying to do something for myself to make me feel good. to make me live longer and be more active for my children. I dont need others telling me I need to stop doing it because I am skinny. that has nothing to do with the fact that I want to be healthy, so excuse me for passing up that piece of cake, or putting low fat mayonnaise on my hamburger.
    I gain weight, people comment. I lose weight, people give their two cents. its a lose/lose situation. I've learned to just take them with a grain of salt and keep feeling good about myself. To me, it isnt about the weight (though the lower number on the scale is nice) its about changing my lifestyle. my previous lifestyle of eating as much of whatever I wanted and not exercising was doing NOTHING for me except making me gain weight, become lazy, tired, and stressed. I feel a ton better since joining MFP and learning how to live a healthier life. and to me, thats all that matters.

    It is a struggle to keep that in mind while people are judging you. but as long as you are HEALTHY and feel good, it shouldnt matter what others say.
  • mrscates
    mrscates Posts: 559 Member
    Since it's family you wouldn't want to say something like the weight issue, but maybe just in a nice calm tone say "Now thats not a way to greet someone" & if they cont be a little more firm with the SAME response. You be the bigger person ALWAYS.
  • stinabear13
    stinabear13 Posts: 32
    my family doesn't say a thing if i have gained my mom always says i look thinner even when ive gained! they compliment me for loss, say im glowing look healithier happier etc. i guess i kinda lucked out with that. but with some friends losing weight and i mean in the instances where they are underweight, sickly, and doing it in a unhealthy way, yeah i point it out with them having ailments , gain a few pounds back, at that weight you felt your best and didnt have those probs and when around me i do make them eat a good healthy balanced meal, i don't push them to be over weight, when they are obviously sickly thin, no energy can hardly do anything etc, i remind them how they felt when at a normal healthy weight for their height, im not harsh though, reasons behind the unhealthy loss are usually the current bf saying your disgusting your a fat pig and knowing tyhat that really gets to them and they want to please them.
  • TenLaws
    TenLaws Posts: 273
    Hahahahahahaha!!!! With attitudes like that, it pretty much explains why most people in this country are obese. It's sabotage!!!! Kinda like when my dad tells me that my outfit is ugly, but I wear it anyway and so many other people compliment me on it. I know as much as we hate to admit it, other people's opinions DO affect us. However, if you like the way you look and feel, brush it off and keep it movin. I've gotten the skinny insults too, but they usually come from overweight family members whom I don't want to look like.
  • mrscates
    mrscates Posts: 559 Member
    I TOTALLY understand how you feel. MY own family talks to me that way and last time I saw them I was called 'Rat Face' from my own dad. He also called my diet an 'issue' and said I acted as if I was on drugs....why? Because I want to be healthy? Would you accept me if I ate a greasy burger instead?!?!?!

    How horrible! :(
    Yes, yes it is. I finally asked him "What do I have to do to make you proud of me? Would you rather see how much weight I can gain or would you rather me strive to be apart of the elite fitness world?!"
  • bstamps12
    bstamps12 Posts: 1,184
    People see how thin and fit you are now and it makes them feel uncomfortable because they become more self-aware of their own weight and unhealthy habits. They say those things to make themselves feel better. Older generations think everyone should be full, fat, and happy...but we all know the horrible consequences of that line of thinking. So blow it off and celebrate the way you look!
  • emmerrs
    emmerrs Posts: 158 Member
    That is frustrating, I'm sure.

    In my experience, all people are doing when they make comments like that is trying to belittle the other person's efforts and make themselves feel better. I can only assume that's the same reason your family is doing it. Not on purpose, but as a result of feeling threatened or insecure. (Now somebody else isn't "the skinny one" anymore, it's YOU!)

    In regards to the anorexia, I would tell them that a) you eat b) some of your exercise related accomplishments and/or 3) your healthy range BMI. It's hard to say you're anorexic when by all standards you are healthy and eating healthily.

    Haters gonna hate, but I hope you still feel good about your truly incredible success!! :)
  • MochaMixAZ
    MochaMixAZ Posts: 844 Member
    I don't think you're being the bad guy, but I don't necessarily believe that just because they're family, they have your best interests at heart. Perhaps in your family, and only you know your own motivation.... but I KNOW it's not the case in mine. I've got a particular family member that takes every possible opportunity to sabotage, diminish, and cut down. Don't know if it's out of their own insecurity, and quite frankly - don't care. My own experience is that mean, insensitive people simply exist.... and crossover family (and sometimes friend) lines.

    you know..i have to take the side of the bad guy in this one
    my sister who i know and love is on her too and i started telling her she was too low
    and that in the pictures i saw of her that she was to skinny...and of course she stuck her tongue out at me
    and there was thoughts that i was being jealous...in my eyes she didn't right...not straving...just not right

    i was saying these things out of concern

    she in turn started having a few issues and the doctor ran a bunch of tests and in the end told her to gain a few pounds as her body fat was too low...now she was very happy it wasn't anything serious...but it killed her that i was right , and i loved being right..sisterly love and all : )

    we only want good things for the people we love..sometimes we just suck at saying it the right way
  • tigerblue
    tigerblue Posts: 1,526 Member
    I feel your pain! How many times have I heard "Do you eat?", or "don't get any skinnier"!! I've learned to say, "I've worked hard to get healthy, and I feel great!". Sometimes I even tell them how my blood pressure has dropped, etc. But it gets very annoying after awhile. I think most people are either jealous or curious (looking for a magic pill. . . .). Take the "high road" and know that you are doing what is best for you, for life!
  • HotMamaByVday
    HotMamaByVday Posts: 343 Member
    Yes, family can be cruel.

    But friends are great! One of my best friends husbands told said, "You need a cheeseburger. You both need cheeseburgers!" He is a friend, I have known them for years. It was a compliment. And a great one! Not only was he saying we had lost weight and looked great, but that he would love his wife no matter how much she weighed.

    Sometimes we have to remember that people don't know what to say. The original poster's family's comments were cruel, but not everything is meant to hurt.
  • _Sally_
    _Sally_ Posts: 514 Member
    Don't take it personally. They are JEALOUS!

    congrats on the weight loss - you look great.
  • jamie78
    jamie78 Posts: 514 Member
    I have come to the conclusion about this ... when people say stuff like that some of them actually think its a complement and others are just jealous and then you have those who don't understand you can actually lose weight by being healthy and think that the only way you can do it is by starving or drugs... I get this all the time too... as a matter a fact just this morning. and I weigh 130.. So I know for a fact I am not too skinny... I just smile and say well everyone had their own opinion on what is skinny, fit and healthy compared to what is fat and not... ;)
    Usually shuts them up...
  • PuzzleGirl65
    PuzzleGirl65 Posts: 81 Member
    I would look at it like this: They see you getting healthy and it makes them uncomfortable. It's not that they don't want you to lose weight and get in shape, because I think they do. But you losing weight makes their health and weight that much more apparent to themselves. It makes them uncomfortable, so they tell you to go back to how you were - to gain some weight.

    This.
  • TK421NotAtPost
    TK421NotAtPost Posts: 512 Member
    Why is it such a double standard when it comes to weight? WHy is it acceptable to berrate people for being thinner yet perfectly ok to not say anything to someone being overweight? I personally don't make comments either way. I usually just say, "Wow you look great, how have you been".

    I never understood that either....and I probably never will. Back when I was a bit chubby, I would be full of admiration for a person who took charge of their weight and took steps to be thin and healthy.

    I used to get sick and tired of people telling me I need to gain weight. My girlfriend, who hovers between 99-101 lbs, is 5'4" and is pretty shredded, gets it worse than I do. Over time, I got used to the comments and now they just bounce off me.
  • RangerSteve
    RangerSteve Posts: 437
    Try hearing constant comments about how you're a meat-head-jock-loser-brainless guy because you have muscle. Sure, I like to work out as much as the next meat-head guy but why does that automatically mean I can't be the type who spends evenings using lemon scented Pledge to dust my room while reading Us Weekly and listening to Lady Gaga..... *cries*

    But seriously, if there is one certainty in life, it's this:

    -Haters Gonna Hate-


    Ignore the haters.
  • Tuffjourney
    Tuffjourney Posts: 971
    This is so sad. You are very beautiful and I hope you just smiled at them and let it go. Family can be so insensitive.:noway:
  • SummerLuvR
    SummerLuvR Posts: 90
    You look GREAT!! All I have to add is that Misery loves company! They just feel bad about themselves and taking it out on you. Keep up your great job!
    :)
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    I avoid this, and probably get more haters, by eating like a hog at family get togethers. :devil:
  • tladame
    tladame Posts: 465 Member
    "You're too old to try and fit in a size 0"...say what?!? This 41-year-old broad would have to slap the commenter for that remark!!

    I haven't gotten any such comments (luckily), but then again nobody's really noticed my weight loss either. I have been getting compliments on my clothing, and I wonder if it's because I've been fitting into some of my smaller summer clothes.

    I find it very sad that so many people assume that a woman must be starving herself just because she is losing weight. Sigh...:frown:
  • tladame
    tladame Posts: 465 Member
    I avoid this, and probably get more haters, by eating like a hog at family get togethers. :devil:

    Bahaha!
  • mkcalvert
    mkcalvert Posts: 219 Member
    I think it's an in-law thing too bc my in-law's know I'm trying to lose weight and doing it the right way, but refuse to comment. I just chalk it up to they're jealous bc they want their body's to change without changing their habbits and I'm brave enough to do it! I was even told "it took me 50yrs to get my body, so I guess I'm just going to be happy with it" insert as*y tone of voice, and you knowing it's a lie. -mkc
  • Nanconet
    Nanconet Posts: 35
    Its not okay.......but there are still people who find it acceptable to tell people they are fat.....Like when I hadn't seen my and uncle in over year....the first thing she said was heeyyy nice to see you....wow......you gained ssoooo much weight....I can't believe it.

    Thanks Auntie!!!

    Its frustrating! You keep working hard at getting fit....don't listen to anyone! You look great by the way!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
  • BettyMargaret
    BettyMargaret Posts: 407 Member
    I TOTALLY understand how you feel. MY own family talks to me that way and last time I saw them I was called 'Rat Face' from my own dad. He also called my diet an 'issue' and said I acted as if I was on drugs....why? Because I want to be healthy? Would you accept me if I ate a greasy burger instead?!?!?!

    How horrible! :(
    Yes, yes it is. I finally asked him "What do I have to do to make you proud of me? Would you rather see how much weight I can gain or would you rather me strive to be apart of the elite fitness world?!"

    RAT FACE??? Yes Daddy, I look more and more like you everyday! How would he like that? BTW, You look beautiful!
  • Madrow
    Madrow Posts: 62
    It does hurt when people assume all your hard work was just an eating disorder (which, to the clueless sounds like an easier method to use for weight loss). These are probably the same people who think they are perfectly strong and healthy even though they have an extra 20, 50, or 100 lbs themselves. I'm sure there is some jealous sabotage, but I also have had to deal with people like that and they really have no idea what they are talking about because their idea of health is different from mine. When dealing with situations like that, I gently and firmly stand up for myself, try to avoid sounding condescending, and offer information and advice if they ask me legit questions about my weight loss.
  • BettyMargaret
    BettyMargaret Posts: 407 Member
    I avoid this, and probably get more haters, by eating like a hog at family get togethers. :devil:

    ROFLMAO!!! (and counting it as cardio)
  • fitchick114
    fitchick114 Posts: 2
    My family does the SAME thing. I have lost 90 pounds to date, and have about 40 more to go. They would rag on me for being fat. NOw, it's to poke fun at how I eat or how much weight I have lost.

    I look at it this way...they do it because they are jealous. Before, they felt they were so much better than I was because I was obese, now that I have my life in order and am doing great, they don't want to see me succeed, so they try to find ways to bring me down.

    Good luck and congrats on the weight loss!!!
  • BettyMargaret
    BettyMargaret Posts: 407 Member
    My last weigh in I was 235 and girl, my family tells me I'M gettin' too skinny!!! Started out at 297. I've been accused of doing drugs, being anorexic (how ever you spell it) fad dieting ... blah,blah, blah... AT 235!!! I'm 5' 5 1/2"
    I'm CUTE, but thin??? That's pushing it! Maybe they're afraid of change or something, I don't know. Maybe they realize if you can do it, so could they, but they're lazy?
    Take it from the 235 lb. anorexic druggy... You look like a model! You're b u ti ful!
    *Thank you for your time and attention, now back to your regularly scheduled programming*
  • margieward82
    margieward82 Posts: 406 Member
    I am also 5'4" and weight about 93 lbs. When people find out the number they always seem shocked and say they would have guessed I was about 110. Like you say everyone carries their weight different. I am lean and getting more toned and defined, but I am healthy! Even my docotor agrees that this weight seems to suit me fine. I was still able to conceive, carry a baby to full term and delive naturally due all while sticking to my clean/healthy lifestyle and working out with cardio and weights nearly daily. Listen to your body, your doctor and your hubby, they know better than anyone what is best for you. My husband will be the first to agree that with the way I carry my weight, over 100lbs I start looking thick. :P
    I know I'm going to get spit at for this, but I'm going to dive down the hole anyways. I'm your height, and I was your weight, and it is quite low. I now see how I looked and it wasn't a healthy look.
    I got the exact same comments, and it was so frustrating, but don't dismiss all of them. I sure wish I had listened earlier than I did..

    I may look thin but I'm actually toned. Everyone wears their weight differently too. I have a very small frame so 110-115 suits me but I can appreciate your concern :)
  • Lunachic77
    Lunachic77 Posts: 434 Member
    I avoid this, and probably get more haters, by eating like a hog at family get togethers. :devil:

    LOL too funny! I did this while I was there...

    They have a burger chain that is only in the South...Whataburger. So twice while I was there I brought me back some big ole fatty burgers and fries and ate every bit of it!
  • TK421NotAtPost
    TK421NotAtPost Posts: 512 Member
    I avoid this, and probably get more haters, by eating like a hog at family get togethers. :devil:

    LOL too funny! I did this while I was there...

    They have a burger chain that is only in the South...Whataburger. So twice while I was there I brought me back some big ole fatty burgers and fries and ate every bit of it!

    LOL, I'm sure that went over really well with the girls who suddenly went silent when you entered the room. Their green goblin of jealousy is your best revenge.
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