Not meaning to offend any obese people, but...

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Replies

  • lloydrt
    lloydrt Posts: 1,121 Member
    if your husband is using this site as well, maybe he could talk to his friend and show him all these incrediblly honest since replys to the OP . Thats how I did it........I accidentally found this site and read story after story, and looked at the photos.........a light went off

    have him message me, ask him to open an account and befriend us all............we know what hes going thru........were here
    Read my bio, I did it............esp when it comes to meds , I TAKE NONE............

    again, read my bio , it can be done and Im 56...........I just got in from yoga, lol, and this time last year I would have been lucky to be able to get up on my own, and today I did 3 hours of cardio/weight strength and then yoga...........

    I wont go back to that black hole I was living in for nothing.............It will happen, stay focused and be patient...............Lloyd
  • joeysrib
    joeysrib Posts: 158 Member
    I agree, that you can't make him want.it, but you can ask him over, send your husband out, and sit down with him, tell him what a good friend you feel that he is to your husband, and to you, and that you both would be devastated to lose him. Explain that you don't want to hurt him, or embarrass him, that you only want to help him. Offer to work out with him. And then once you have said everything you need to say, tell him that you will respect his wishes on the matter, tell him it is ultimately his decision, tell him you can't force him, and only want him in your lives for a very long time. Tell him that you are willing to help him fund the right exercises that he won't be bored with. And then close your mouth, and really listen to him.

    I can tell you from experience, that losing a parent so suddenly is the worst thing in the world. One moment, life is good, and the next, you want to die too.

    Also, as an obese person, I am not offended, I think it is wonderful that he has friends like you and your husband. I hope this helps.
  • Teletuby
    Teletuby Posts: 1
    For me it was after getting into college and taking a mandatory PE class. We had to walk a timed mile and log our heart rates for an assignment. After coming in a very distant last, I realized something had to change.

    I can't think of anything you could possibly say to someone who needs to lose weight to make them do it. Everyone has a different trigger that makes them want/need to do it.The only thing I can think of is to get him out of his comfort zone, go do something he used to love to do that is hard for him now. That sounds hard I know, but he has to want to change and unless he want's to do it, he wont.
  • LaJauna
    LaJauna Posts: 336 Member
    I think that most people are well meaning by wanting to say something to encourage someone to lose weight but until you are ready to do it for yourself it's kind of pointless. I think at this point all you can do is tell me that he means a lot to you and that are worried for his health. But also remember you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

    If you love him and it sounds like you and your hubby do. Then tell him how important his life is to you. Tell him how sad you would be if he lost his life to food related illness. Tell him you will support him and love him no matter what he decides to do and then mean it. If he asks you what he should do first, go with him to see a doctor to get a physical to rule out any emerging diseases that should be addressed ASAP. He is says he isn't ready, respect his answer and vow to keep quiet until he is ready. He will let you know. He doesn't need a conscience, he already knows he is fat. He doesn't need a counselor. He needs a friend who will love him and accept him for who he is no matter what the scale says. Good luck having the conversation. Let us know how it goes. You are in my thoughts.
  • Ashrenalls
    Ashrenalls Posts: 88 Member
    For me.. once I saw 300 I thought that was it... but nope I got to 314 started with a dietitian and 2 years later had still put on another 16 lbs...

    It was shopping for pants for a work event, and when I had to buy 54's to get something that "fit" around but still looked like clown pants.. I apparently carry my weight in different areas than 'the average' guy that wears that size of pants. That was the final straw for me, and I started on here and got losing, just last month I bought my newest to me pants in a 46" waist. Down from December.

    Congrats on the new pants!

    Whatever the opposite of offended is, that's what I am. You have a very valid question, and only people who've been in this man's shoes could really help you.

    This is a hard subject to approach. It is almost as though life threateningly obese people need interventions the way drug addicts do, but in our culture we can't do that because it sounds so shallow and judgmental calling someone out for being fat. I've never actually had anyone call me out, but I'm also not life-threateningly obese. I have seen the way my healthy gym-addict friends have looked at me and seen the "she's gonna kill herself" look in their eyes. They always encourage me when I'm doing well, but when I'm not, the subject doesn't seem to surface (verbally). I have felt ashamed of myself at times, but I know no matter if I weigh, 250 or 350 or 450, I'm always going to be loved.

    I think the most important thing, if you decide to talk to him, is to make sure he knows your love is unconditional, that no matter what happens, you and your husband and the other friend will be there for him. It is extremely difficult to convince an alcoholic he has a problem, but it is completely acceptable and drastically necessary to safe the person's life.

    I'll be praying for you, your husband and your friends. There is a way to help him, but it will not be easy.

    God bless you!!

    Ashley
  • Newkell
    Newkell Posts: 379 Member
    at the first of this year I had the strong resolve that I didn't want this year to end and be in the same place I was when it began and I also don't want to turn 50 next year and be in the same place. I have lost some of the best years of my life to obesity. That is what changed it for me. I am only really getting started and have a long way to go but I am on the journey. As my mom used to say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. With that said, your friend will have to make this decision for himself.

    I did find this video very inspirational and maybe you can share it with him. http://youtu.be/8SbXgQqbOoU
    This is Ben Davis: my 120 pound journey. I first saw this when I was looking at cool runnings website about the couch to 5 K training program. It is an awesome video. Check it out. Best wishes!
  • waterjogger
    waterjogger Posts: 114
    I don't think you can tell him anything. For me, I would get depressed when someone commented on my weight and I would just go out and eat more. My turning point was when I was diagosed with diabetes and they found kidney damage. At that point I could barely walk out of the house without feeling like I was going to drop from a heart attack. For people like me who use food to "comfort" themselves I think you have to run into something that shocks you out of your comfort zone-like the thought of dialysis by age 45 or a heart attack at the end of your driveway.
  • andrea464
    andrea464 Posts: 238 Member
    Some people turn to drugs or alcohol and others, like myself, turn to food. How is that hard to understand?
    Good friends would stage an intervention for someone with a drug or alcohol addiction. How is food different? How is that hard to understand?

    Do an intervention. Gently. Include your husband. "We love you, you're like a brother to us, an uncle to kids... We care about you, and are worried about your health because of your weight. We want to see you around for a long time, and we're afraid that won't happen if you continue down the path you're on."

    ETA- He has no close family, parents, wife or kids. So many people say "I did it for my kids", but what if they don't have kids or that close person? This is why I say to use the relationship with your husband and his friend in this. Let him know how much he means.
  • Ashrenalls
    Ashrenalls Posts: 88 Member
    Some people turn to drugs or alcohol and others, like myself, turn to food. How is that hard to understand?
    Good friends would stage an intervention for someone with a drug or alcohol addiction. How is food different? How is that hard to understand?

    Do an intervention. Gently. Include your husband. "We love you, you're like a brother to us, an uncle to kids... We care about you, and are worried about your health because of your weight. We want to see you around for a long time, and we're afraid that won't happen if you continue down the path you're on."

    That's what I think. If I got to a super morbidly obese weight and my life was on the line, I would like to think that my friends and family love me enough to step in. I know for dang sure that my brother does and would. Praise the Lord, He has inspired change in my before I got there.
  • LauraMarie37
    LauraMarie37 Posts: 283 Member
    Wow, there are some extremely brave stories from some amazing, honest, and courageous people here. Thank you so much! This is such a fantastic community, and if my friend does ask for help losing weight, I will be sure to tell him about MFP and direct him to some of you who have volunteered to friend him.

    I love the complimenting him on his weight loss idea. I may have to try that and tell him how happy I am that he is working towards that goal because we love him so much and really want him to be around, and healthy, for a long, long time. I agree it's especially important because he doesn't have any family he's in contact with and no wife or kids to get healthy for either.

    Also, to the poster who suggested editing out his workplace, that is a really good idea but unfortunately it seems that you can only edit your posts for one hour after you post them. I'll try to see if a moderator can do it for me.
  • LauraMarie37
    LauraMarie37 Posts: 283 Member

    This is rather genius!
    Honestly the first thing I thought when I read that was "This guy has to be from Chicago" and SURE ENOUGH... Chicago is a hard place to lose weight, but that's besides the point. I think the being positive toward him like Cytherea suggest is really slick and also invite him out, get him going to places. I know it's hard but say "I'm not taking no for an answer." He may feel wanted and needed- obviously he needs a lot of counseling as well. Opening up to him about your struggles may make it easier for him to share his as well.
    Summer time is hard in Chicago because he might feel too "fat." Man, I feel for this guy. Compliment him- he may need and want some positive reinforcement. And good luck to you! GO BEARS!

    Hahaha I'd love to know why you thought Chicago - I agree it can be a hard place to lose weight when all you want to do is hibernate all winter!!!

    Thank you to the people who suggested counseling, and prayer, as well. And for the people who posted links to stories/videos - I feel like I have a whole arsenal of tools to help my friend (IF he decides he wants my help)!
  • NikkisNewStart
    NikkisNewStart Posts: 1,075 Member
    I think that most people are well meaning by wanting to say something to encourage someone to lose weight but until you are ready to do it for yourself it's kind of pointless. I think at this point all you can do is tell me that he means a lot to you and that are worried for his health. But also remember you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

    ^^ This exactly.
  • Scarletblue
    Scarletblue Posts: 255
    I didn't read all the posts, so I hope I am not repeating. What about asking him to help you, ask him if he can be your partner you said he was with a trainer for over a year he must know stuff, ask him about it, ask him if he wouldn't mind going for a walk with you or doing some laps in the pool or have your husband ask him. Maybe it will slowly start to sink in to him that he should eat healthier or less or whatever he is doing to gain wieght quickly. No you can't make somebody want to lose wieght but you can try and trick'em.
  • ResilientWoman
    ResilientWoman Posts: 440 Member

    If you love him and it sounds like you and your hubby do. Then tell him how important his life is to you. Tell him how sad you would be if he lost his life to food related illness. Tell him you will support him and love him no matter what he decides to do and then mean it. If he asks you what he should do first, go with him to see a doctor to get a physical to rule out any emerging diseases that should be addressed ASAP. He is says he isn't ready, respect his answer and vow to keep quiet until he is ready. He will let you know. He doesn't need a conscience, he already knows he is fat. He doesn't need a counselor. He needs a friend who will love him and accept him for who he is no matter what the scale says. Good luck having the conversation. Let us know how it goes. You are in my thoughts.

    Ditto. What got me started winning was one person loving me enough to do a little research, hang with me through the ups & downs of it all. She happens to be my personal trainer, but for me, she's why I don't quit when it's been tough. She also gave me an article that transformed my absorption of nutrients which I bet would apply to your friend as well.

    http://thehealthyskeptic.org/heartburn

    We're here for you, too. I will be praying for your friend.
  • SoCalSwimmerDude
    SoCalSwimmerDude Posts: 507 Member
    To the OP, I've learned the difficult way that we can't will our loved ones into losing weight. As good intentioned as we may be, we end up being the pesky person that drives them farther way in most cases. Its probably great if he's completely ready to deal with it, but if he's not, then you don't want to be "that person" either. Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out but sense that I'm just being annoying.
  • CeejayGee
    CeejayGee Posts: 299 Member
    For me, it was a number of things....being in my 30's, having a kid, etc. Realizing that to care for someone else, you have to care for yourself first. But, also, I becamea lawyer, and it's like, I still felt like this fat slob who didn't fit in. ..surrounded by Type A personalities who excel, but yet there I was wearing my one weakness on my "sleeve" so to speak. And, my weight held me back professionally and emotionally, etc.

    But, your friend has to find his own rock bottom and also his own will to live. And, that's sorta what it is. Does he want to live a long life? Does he want to experience all the things that life has to offer, or be so limited with a disabled body (which is what you really have when you're that big). He's probably depressed and anxious and doesn't even realize it b/c he's hiding it with food. And saying he doesn't like exercise is his excuse.
  • cobarlo14
    cobarlo14 Posts: 582 Member
    I can only imagine that the trigger will be different from person to person. You can't make him want it.

    While I agree with the above comment because I didn't give ****. Until I was ready. With his family unfortunately gone - He is your family now. Maybe ever so gently or not so gently let him know that you all love him like family but want him around for YOUR family.

    I think by letting him know that whenever HE is ready - Your all going to be there for him :smile:

    Also I foung MFP via Facebook when my friend posted her weigh loss updates. Ask him to try it?
    I was hooked on MFP immediately and if he is a writer he may like to blog about his experience!
    I find/found it to be good therapy for me! even if I only write on the message boards.

    I wish you all the best!
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