My Husband Wants Me to Gain Back Some Weight
Replies
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middlehaitch wrote: »Here is a list of lifting/bodyweight programmes. Read through them and chose one that fits your needs, suits you.
If you don't want to get into barbell lifting right now do hand weights or body weight.
Re calculate your maintenance and eat that plus a good percentage of your exercise calories so you are not continuing your slow loss.
That will give you a recomp.
You could even do a bulk as you are a little under your goal weight. That is eating as above plus 200-250 cals. Muscle is gained a little faster that way.
Women, when diet is on point and plenty of protein is eaten, can expect to gain a max of 1lbs muscle gain a month.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1
Cheers, h.
Thank you!! I've printed off the first program, since it looked like the least intimidating and something that even I could do. It just so happens that my husband lifts and he recently asked if I wanted to start lifting together. I may have to take him up on that offer, but just with baby weights to start.3 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Why don't you try to stop losing?
You are past goal and still losing. It sounds like it is concerning to your husband, but is it not concerning to you?
I'm not particularly concerned because it's only a few pounds, plus I historically gain 5 pounds in the winter, which is right around the corner. If I keep losing too much more, then I'll be concerned.0 -
I'm exactly your height and weight and my husband also prefers me a few pounds heavier, closer to 130 than 115. I also care about him finding me attractive, but at the end of the day we're not talking a huge amount of weight or a huge difference in size and it's not make-or-break for either of us, really. I like myself better thinner, he likes me a little softer, but it's not like he's repelled by ten pounds, you know?
The issue in my husband's case is that he likes me bustier and those pounds are a 2-cup size difference, but we had a talk one day and I explained to him that I feel like I look better to myself and better in my clothes and run faster at my lower weight, and that it's important to me to stay where I am because of that.
At the holidays and usually for a while around our summer vacation I tend to puff up a bit anyway because workouts get neglected and food and drink is abundant, so he just lives for those few weeks and respects my feelings the rest of the time. He's learned that I'm easier to live with if I'm feeling good about my body and I just don't feel that way when I'm, um, busting out...but sometimes I'd rather stuff myself with christmas cookies and deal with the side effects, lol.
All this to say that I'm not sure if I have a solution for you but that I really don't feel that such a small amount of weight is going to negatively affect either of you all that much, so do whatever makes you happiest, whether that's maintaining your low weight or putting on a couple pounds for his sake.
It sounds like we're in the same boat. My husband has told me before that he likes "softer" women. He doesn't dislike extremely fit women, but they're not what he prefers. I never had much up top to start with; it's my bottom that he uses as a pillow. He just likes laying his head on me when we're watching t.v. and I'm not as soft as I used to be. I used to always gain about 5 pounds every winter, which is why I'm not too worried about being a little under my goal weight now. It's easy to eat healthy in the summer, with a garden full of fresh veggies to snack on. I haven't been at maintenance long enough to know, yet, but maybe we'll end up in a similar cycle, weight low in summer and me happy, weight a little higher in winter and him happy. That would be a livable deal...1 -
Is it possible your husband is actually insecure himself about weight and therefore would prefer you heavier?
It's doubtful, considering how much he's been enjoying my weight loss. I think he's truly concerned. He's lost about 40 lbs since I started losing. We said to each other, we got out of shape together and now we're getting back into shape together.2 -
Your husband obviously loves you very much. I don't see a ton of difference between 120-125lbs. Would it be so bad to gain 5lbs? Like others said, the weight probably redistributed differently. Maybe add some strength training into your work out and switch out some of the cardio. Don't eat at a deficit. I've always wanted to say this, but maybe now it is time to recomp? hehe. I hope I get there someday. Strength training and eating at maintenance or a very small surplus should help you maybe put on the 5lbs or so hubs thinks you need while gaining muscle and not fat.
Oh, and I wanted to say congrats on your weight loss. That is fabulous.
Thank you. I honestly never thought I'd be in a position of considering a recomp. I only even know what that is because of what I've read on the forums, and I never really spent any time studying the whole concept. I thought recomp was just something bodybuilders did, not "normal" people. This whole lifestyle change thing is full of surprises.
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I would reassure him that you're not going to lose any more weight. Add in a snack and perhaps try to get back to your original goal of 120 instead of the 118. Maybe even set a comfortable range of 120-122. I could do all of that and not think of myself as "purposely" gaining weight. You're just upping your range a bit. I don't know if that makes sense in writing, but it does in my head. LOL
Makes sense to me, too, and just the type of "psyche" strategy needed so I don't freak out over "gaining" a few pounds. Not gaining, just increasing my range a bit. Perfect.1 -
mom23mangos wrote: »OP, I really feel you on this post. A lot of people on this site tend to not be supportive of the thought that some of us want to balance between what we feel most comfortable looking like and what our spouses like us to look like. I will say, that after kids my body does not store fat the same. I pretty much a ruler before with even BF distribution and now I'm like you with it settling around my lower body with a scrawny upper body.
My husband does not like overly muscular women. When I workout, I tend to have very defined musculature on my upper body due to low body fat there. I actually like the look, but I have to determine where do I stop? And how do I keep up my fitness goals and strength gains without getting any more muscly. It's a hard delima. All I can say is good luck in your decision.
Thank you for the support. It's nice to know that other people understand.0 -
pearso21123 wrote: »Thank you for this POV. I don't think I look gaunt, but who can tell? Mirrors are such lying creatures. It's definitely something to keep in mind.
It's true, it can be hard to see ourselves as we really are even in a mirror - have you tried looking at recent pictures of yourself? If you don't have any good ones, maybe put on an outfit you feel really good in and ask your hubby to take some photos. Try to study them objectively and assess how you look and how you feel about it... perhaps that might help you to see whether or not his concern is really justified?
It might also be, as you said, that with your normal weight gain in winter there'll be different times when you and he both feel happier with the way you look and that might turn out to be a good compromise. In the warmer months you could always put a cushion on your lap for him!
All in all, though, it's great that he's been so supportive of your weight loss and that he continues to be honest with you. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!
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I say stuff doing what others want. You've given your body away to everyone else over the years time to do what u want. Men are such insecure creatures despite the bravado, they need to be reassured. Maybe he feels insecure you're thin n thus more 'attractive' to other men in his eyes, maybe he's jealous and your weight loss makes him feel bad about himself. Who knows. The underlying thing is do what YOU want. It's your body. If he bloody pushes out four kids too then maybe you could consider his proposal.2
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Im in the exact same situation. I like myself slightly underweight, but im told that i have no bust and look gaunt by other people. My husband would like me to gain a few pounds. I told him that i didnt get a say in his weight gain (approx 20-30lbs) so he doesn't get a say in my weight loss. Nuff said! We understand that we don't have a say in each others bodies.4
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You are going to have to learn to maintain one day - so why not now?
What you decide to do now doesn't mean it's forever.
Give some time for everyone, especially yourself, to get used to the "new you" and reassess in a few months time would be my suggestion.
It's sounding a bit like Mumsnet on here! It would be a very strange marriage if you didn't consider the opinion of a loving and supportive spouse.
(Yes that does mean both ways not just male -> female!)4 -
two suggestions..
why not start lifting weights to bring back your upper body.. that way you can gain some of what your husband misses without gaining where you don't want to gain, in the hips and waist.
Also.. are you telling him your weight? Do you report that you've lost more and are under 120? It could be the suggestion of him knowing the number that makes him see you differently. Why not tell him your back up to 120 even if you are not. I bet that could fix it..1 -
Neanbean13 wrote: »I say stuff doing what others want. You've given your body away to everyone else over the years time to do what u want. Men are such insecure creatures despite the bravado, they need to be reassured. Maybe he feels insecure you're thin n thus more 'attractive' to other men in his eyes, maybe he's jealous and your weight loss makes him feel bad about himself. Who knows. The underlying thing is do what YOU want. It's your body. If he bloody pushes out four kids too then maybe you could consider his proposal.
lolwut0 -
Neanbean13 wrote: »I say stuff doing what others want. You've given your body away to everyone else over the years time to do what u want. Men are such insecure creatures despite the bravado, they need to be reassured. Maybe he feels insecure you're thin n thus more 'attractive' to other men in his eyes, maybe he's jealous and your weight loss makes him feel bad about himself. Who knows. The underlying thing is do what YOU want. It's your body. If he bloody pushes out four kids too then maybe you could consider his proposal.
Maybe her husband wants to continously be sexually attractive to her?
This kind of encouragement (or cynical view) you are giving across is what would drive a partner to go and cheat.
If anything - it's good that hes come forward as opposed to waiting until shes at a stage where he no longer finds her sexually attractive and moves onto other women.
Relationships ARE about considering your partners feelings/needs/likes/dislikes (so long as they are not damaging) and not being 2 separate entities with a single girl/boy mentality.
If I started gaining/losing too much - I would most rather my partner vocalises this. And no, neither of us are insecure.1 -
elisa123gal wrote: »two suggestions..
why not start lifting weights to bring back your upper body.. that way you can gain some of what your husband misses without gaining where you don't want to gain, in the hips and waist.
Also.. are you telling him your weight? Do you report that you've lost more and are under 120? It could be the suggestion of him knowing the number that makes him see you differently. Why not tell him your back up to 120 even if you are not. I bet that could fix it..
This is what I was going to suggest too.
Also why do you guys discuss weight? Ask him to stop focusing on the scale weight and focus on how you look.
I think he's just throwing numbers out of thin air (i.e I want you to gain x amount of lbs), he just wants you to look a specific way.
And you should stop focusing on numbers too!0 -
Hey Pearso
Just a tip keep the weight off for yourself. The reason I say that is because when I was 42 I let my weight creep up there (and up there and up there). Now I'm working to get it all off, wishing that I had not let it happen in the first place. I see you and your husband are from Mich. I lived and work there for 50yrs. I retired from G.M. lived in Oakland Co. My wife of 45yrs. and I moved to warmer weather. Alabama and it's warm here believe me. In the winter I can still get outside and do things. My son and I played golf in Dec. 30th and 72degees. Better than shoveling snow (ha ha) and don't care if I ever see the white stuff again. Good luck with what ever you do with your weight, it's up to you.0 -
pearso21123 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Why don't you try to stop losing?
You are past goal and still losing. It sounds like it is concerning to your husband, but is it not concerning to you?
I'm not particularly concerned because it's only a few pounds, plus I historically gain 5 pounds in the winter, which is right around the corner. If I keep losing too much more, then I'll be concerned.
Maybe if you remind him that you'll likely gain 5 lbs over the winter all his fears will be set to rest. Provided of course that you don't lose another 5 before winter. 0 -
I don't think you should gain or lose weight for anybody else, period. You are a healthy weight now and it's a slippery slope to start following your husband's instructions on what you 'should' weigh/look like. 7lbs isn't going to make a huge difference anyway so this seems like a control issue.1
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Before you do anything to gain back weight, keep in mind that many people (including myself) gain back a few pounds after losing lots of weight. In my case it was two years later. I'm still down nearly 100 pounds so I'm still very happy with my weight. But you should probably consider this before you do anything to gain weight.
Also, what you mentioned about your doctor not commenting about your weight, I find that extremely disturbing. It's his/her job to notice and comment. You don't go to a doctor for a specific issue. It's your doctor's job to make sure you're healthy or at least aware of what may become a problem. I would consider switching doctors.1 -
I would echo maybe going for building muscle (weight training). We tend to lose muscle as we age and it's good for your bones.0
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Take a look at this thread. It offers great information about body recomposition. I think you'll find it helpful. Best of luck!!
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10177803/recomposition-maintaining-weight-while-losing-fat#latest1 -
From what you described, you sound like you are right where you need and want to be weight / height wise.
In my opinion, your husband got so used to seeing you heavier, that seeing you as you once were, surprises him. And him saying he wants to be able to snuggle with a plumper body you is him expressing nothing more than selfish insecurity. Him saying you should gain back some weight is about him, not you. He is expressing the desire for you to carry some of his inner emotional weight, whether he realizes it or not. It might be good to speak with a professional as a couple and try and get to the root of why he is acting the way he is towards you.
I don't think you should gain weight back just so he can have some extra fat to snuggle with.1 -
pearso21123 wrote: »middlehaitch wrote: »Here is a list of lifting/bodyweight programmes. Read through them and chose one that fits your needs, suits you.
If you don't want to get into barbell lifting right now do hand weights or body weight.
Re calculate your maintenance and eat that plus a good percentage of your exercise calories so you are not continuing your slow loss.
That will give you a recomp.
You could even do a bulk as you are a little under your goal weight. That is eating as above plus 200-250 cals. Muscle is gained a little faster that way.
Women, when diet is on point and plenty of protein is eaten, can expect to gain a max of 1lbs muscle gain a month.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1
Cheers, h.
Thank you!! I've printed off the first program, since it looked like the least intimidating and something that even I could do. It just so happens that my husband lifts and he recently asked if I wanted to start lifting together. I may have to take him up on that offer, but just with baby weights to start.
Don't just use baby weights. Since he lifts, he should know proper form and be able to help you with figuring out a good weight to start with that will be challenging, but won't cause injury. Definitely take him up on the offer to lift together.
Check out this thread that has a number of different lifting programs to follow:
community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1
Also post in there and tell them what your overall goals are and someone should be able to point you in the right direction as far as finding a proper program to help you achieve your goals.1 -
Hello, everyone. I just wanted to touch base to let you know I am reading all of your posts, I just haven't had time to reply. We hit our busiest time of the year at work this week so I haven't had much time for the forums. You've given me a lot of things to think about and I do plan on implementing some of you suggestions. I'll try to post more later, but it probably won't be until this weekend. Thanks!1
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BasicGreatGuy wrote: »From what you described, you sound like you are right where you need and want to be weight / height wise.
In my opinion, your husband got so used to seeing you heavier, that seeing you as you once were, surprises him. And him saying he wants to be able to snuggle with a plumper body you is him expressing nothing more than selfish insecurity. Him saying you should gain back some weight is about him, not you. He is expressing the desire for you to carry some of his inner emotional weight, whether he realizes it or not. It might be good to speak with a professional as a couple and try and get to the root of why he is acting the way he is towards you.
I don't think you should gain weight back just so he can have some extra fat to snuggle with.
So if my wife asked me to become more muscular because she likes that, you'd post this same thing, right?1 -
bigguyreed wrote: »Hey Pearso
Just a tip keep the weight off for yourself. The reason I say that is because when I was 42 I let my weight creep up there (and up there and up there). Now I'm working to get it all off, wishing that I had not let it happen in the first place. I see you and your husband are from Mich. I lived and work there for 50yrs. I retired from G.M. lived in Oakland Co. My wife of 45yrs. and I moved to warmer weather. Alabama and it's warm here believe me. In the winter I can still get outside and do things. My son and I played golf in Dec. 30th and 72degees. Better than shoveling snow (ha ha) and don't care if I ever see the white stuff again. Good luck with what ever you do with your weight, it's up to you.
LOL. I actually like shoveling snow (and stacking firewood). I remember shoveling our driveway when I was about 8 months pregnant. My husband came running out to yell at me and said he'd do it. I declined, and said I like shoveling snow and I was taking it easy; it was really light snow. He still complained and said what kind of person would the neighbors think he was, letting his pregnant wife shovel the driveway?
But I don't like walking through deep snow or walking when it's icy, which cuts down on my walking time in winter.0 -
OP, I'm 5'4" and in the past 8 years I've weighed between 112 and 130, with different body compositions depending on what I was doing at the gym at any given time. Depending on how much muscle I'm carrying, I could look healthy or gaunt at 118-120. I don't think this is a case of "he just wants you to look a certain way, so screw him and do what you want"...if it were, don't you think he would've said other things at other points in your weight gain/loss? Ultimately of course it's up to you, but if this is a man who has seen you at a lot of other weights, I'd seriously consider whether it's true that you're starting to look too thin in an unhealthy way.
I'm happy to hear that you're considering lifting! It's incredibly helpful for women (not least because it helps increase our bone density, which is key as we get older). Recomping isn't as daunting as it sounds...it's basically maintaining your weight while doing resistance exercises. If you start lifting and gain just a few pounds, I think both you and your husband will be happy with the results (assuming that you enjoy lifting. If not, find something else).0 -
OP, I personally don't think it would be terrible to try to find a compromise here, BUT I've never been in the situation where someone has outright asked me to gain weight. I've of course ran into the "stop losing weight" comments.
It's 5 pounds from what you consider to be your ideal goal. How did you feel at 125? Did you feel good? Healthy? Strong?
I would do as someone else recommended, which is do a small bulk while strength training (be it bodyweight or heavy lifting), that way it's muscle and not fat. You might even find that you like the way to look better after the bulk.
First, OP, if you are really happy where you are, I recommend giving it some time. Everyone will get used to your leanness, so long as you don't keep losing weight and drop into an unhealthy zone.
However, it seems to me that you would like to stay lean and make your husband happy, too. In that case, I'd try a bulk as suggested above. Muscle is just as good a cushion as fat if the goal is to not feel bony/frail. As a bonus, you will be stronger and get to eat a bit more. Plus, more visible muscle generally changes people's perception of you - they start to see you as athletic (and therefore healthy), rather than skinny (and possibly not eating enough).
Part of the reason I'd recommend you bulk, and think that would take you to a place you'd be happy is that as we age we tend to lose muscle because we don't use it. I'm thinking that's the primary difference between the current you at 125 and the younger you at 125. Put on mainly muscle to get from 117 to 125 and I'm pretty sure your body will look closer to younger you at 125.1 -
So I spoke with my husband about this and he said his biggest concern was that I'm continuing to lose, and he's afraid I'm just going to keep going down. He said he's fine with my current weight, but doesn't think I need to lose any more, and that it "wouldn't hurt" if I gained a little back. To those who mentioned how he knows my weight, it's because I've been announcing my weigh-ins to him. I'm going to stop. I realized that I've only been announcing when I hit new lows, but not announcing when I go back up, so to him that must look like I'm on a constant downward trend. I'm also working on at least stabilizing, so I'm not continuing to lose, even if it is slowly. That will have to do for now. I'm going to start weights instead of just cardio and we'll see how it goes. I don't particularly like weights, but maybe I'll learn to like them. I didn't like jogging either, when I first started
@Need2Exerc1se It won't be "reminding" him that I normally gain 5 lbs. in the winter- I don't think he ever realized, so it'll be news to him .
To those who mentioned insecurities, I don't think that's at play here. We've been happily married for many years, and have been through a lot together. Of course physical attraction is important, but it's not the most important thing in a relationship. We do all have our insecurities. Mine was being obese and working on a college campus full of 18 - 22 year-old females, and wondering if they looked at me and thought to themselves, "I hope I don't look like that when I'm that old." My husband sees things from the other side- I work on a campus full of young studs. He has mentioned this half-jokingly in the past, so I know it worries him to a degree, but he also knows that I would never cheat on him. We're both firmly committed to each other and to our family, and neither of us would ever cheat on the other. Besides myself, he is the only other person who has any say in what I do with my body. Thank you to those who appreciate that marriages involve give-and-take and compromise.
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