Anyone have any good jokes? I'd like a good laugh right about now. T

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  • deadliftsandnoodles
    deadliftsandnoodles Posts: 312 Member
    During a boozy night out I met a stunning redhead who invited me back to her apartment. She took off her dress and sat on the bed gazing seductively at me and whispered "f*** me with 8 inches and make me bleed"

    So I f***** her twice with my 4 incher and punched her in the nose
  • nm212
    nm212 Posts: 570 Member
    What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
    Eye-matey!
  • nm212
    nm212 Posts: 570 Member
    Why did Sally fall off the swings?
    Because she had no arms.
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Not Sally!
  • lenoresdream
    lenoresdream Posts: 522 Member
    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    Dude, that picture is offensive. They look like random women or friends in a bar and some obnoxious weed made a joke out of that.

    There are people here who may look like that. They already feel like *kitten* and they don't need to see fat jokes over and over.

    I think you are a funny guy but this one time, it's poor judgement.

    Thank you, cutaway.
  • lenoresdream
    lenoresdream Posts: 522 Member
    This one is so lame but I love this: termite walks into a bar and asks, "where's the bar tender? "

    You get it?! Heh! :D
  • lenoresdream
    lenoresdream Posts: 522 Member
    nm212 wrote: »
    What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
    Eye-matey!

    This took me a minute lol! :D
  • distinctlybeautiful
    distinctlybeautiful Posts: 1,041 Member
    The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

    A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”
  • DarlingNikki2011
    DarlingNikki2011 Posts: 287 Member
    Intrinsicat wrote: »
    A duck walks into a bar and someone yells "Hey! Your pants are down!"

    It's a horrible joke but I love it.

    How stupid will I feel when I finally get it? Hmmmm.....
  • pudgy1977
    pudgy1977 Posts: 13,499 Member
    DetroitDarin wrote: »
    What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

    LOL!
  • finny11122
    finny11122 Posts: 8,436 Member
    jhmomofmany wrote: »
    I went to the worst zoo in the world. There was only one exhibit with a dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu.

    Im useing that haha
  • Cintirich
    Cintirich Posts: 22 Member
    What did the snail say when it got on the turtle's back?

    Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

    Be sure to tip the waitstaff on the way out. :)
  • Jimb376mfp
    Jimb376mfp Posts: 6,236 Member
    What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
    One less drunken Irishman
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • LessofBrian
    LessofBrian Posts: 44 Member
    Two snakes are slithering along.

    Snake #1..."Hey, are we poisonous?"

    Snake #2..."I don't think so."

    Snake #1..."Oh good, 'cause I just bit my tongue."
  • rps67
    rps67 Posts: 163 Member
    These are my two very favorite jokes.

    What's brown and sticky?
















    A stick.


    What's brown and rhymes with snoop?















    Dr. Dre.
  • Timothyh27
    Timothyh27 Posts: 251 Member
    jhmomofmany wrote: »
    I went to the worst zoo in the world. There was only one exhibit with a dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu.

    What do you get if you cross a shih tzu with a bull dog....
  • druidkat7
    druidkat7 Posts: 691 Member
    Okay, let me see if I can add a few...here are three classics from a favorite movie of mine. (Can you guess which movie?)

    1. Michael: "I know a man with a wooden leg named 'Smith"
    Jane: "What's the name of his other leg?"
    (it took me most of my life until I actually understood that joke!!!!!)


    2. Person A: I've got a cousin who works in a watch factory.
    Person B: What does he do?
    Person A: He sits around all day and makes faces!

    3. A man walks up to a woman's door and knocks. She answers, and the man says, "I'm sorry ma'am, I just ran over your cat. I'd be willing to replace it." The woman says, "That's all very well and good, but how are you at catching mice?"

    Here are some others:

    1. What do you call a former vice president doing mathematics to a rock music beat?
    Al-gore-rhythm

    2. A shapeshifting canine kept getting stuck in someone's clothes-washing machine. His new nickname?
    "Wash-n-werewolf."

    3. A kid was home sick from school and fell behind in her classwork. Just in case, the doctor recommended the kid stay home for another day or two, so the mom went to go get the assignments from the teacher. Upon returning home, she said, "Honey, here's your makeup work. If you're feeling better, get started on it." The little girl goes to the bathroom, and is in there for quite some time. Her mother knocks on the door, saying, "Are you okay?" The girl answers, "I'm fine."
    Mom: "Then why are you taking so long?" (opens the door, horrified to see the girl's face covered in her mother's eyeshadow, mascara, etc) "What the heck did you do that for?!"
    Kid: "Well, you said it was 'makeup' homework."
  • semic
    semic Posts: 1 Member
    Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
    The wedding was terrible...

    But the reception was AWESOME!
  • Erika2011MaBelleFille
    Erika2011MaBelleFille Posts: 75 Member
    semic wrote: »
    Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
    The wedding was terrible...

    But the reception was AWESOME!

    Awsome.
  • chrisg676
    chrisg676 Posts: 39 Member
    What was Bruce Lee's favourite drink?

    WATAAAAAA!!!!

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