Relationship Advice?
dianaH1986
Posts: 19 Member
in Chit-Chat
Okay, I have no friends what so ever. So I would like to ask for some advice about a situation Im in. First let me say I am a proud mother of a wonderful 3 year old son. He's the light of my life. His father, who I am currently with and have been for 4 years, can be sweet at times and is a good dad - Not great but good. He is the main reason I have no friends. He's very insecure and controlling. I can't have male friends because he says "I dont trust men around my woman." So I guess I can understand that. But I try to point out that I have never cheated on him, it takes two to go that route. And I cant have female friends because, in his words, "Females can put *kitten* in your head." So needless to say, It gets a bit lonely. I even have to shower with the bathroom door open or use the bathroom with the door open cause he thinks Im up to no good. Even if I leave my cell phone with him. But I listen to everything he says because I want to prove to him that im loyal and faithful, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Ive been doing this the whole 4 years. And im tired of it. I wanna take my son with me to stores or to the playground. You know, do normal stuff. I've expressed this to him and it causes awful arguments on a regular basis. But he says if I leave him, he'll make sure I never see my son again. Well, he'd have to prove Im unfit and he cant. Because Im very dedicated to being a mother while also holding a full time job as a receptionist.
Here's my problem: Recently my first love reached out to me on FB, but let me give you some history..... We were kids together and very good friends. We started a more serious relationship when I was 16 and he was 15. I swear it was something out of a movie. We even lost our virginity to eachother when I was18. But then, I guess he grew tired and left me for another girl. I was very heartbroken but remained in love with him. He even went on to have a son of his own with that girl. And everytime they would seperate, he'd always come back to me to talk or spend time together to forget what he was going through. It's been 12 years since he left me. I waited for him for 7 of those years. I did date others during that time but my heart was always his. Then I met my sons father, I wasnt in love with him. But he was handsome and kind and I wasnt getting any younger. So I settled and after a month of dating him. I got pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy.
From the moment I became pregnant he became jealous, overbearing, demanding, just mean. Pregnancy is supposed to be this beautiful time for a woman but mine was dreadful. Even to the day I went into labor one night. I had woken him up as I sat up in bed to scream out in pain from the contractions. He was angry with me and yelled at me to take a tylenol and go to bed. I got angry and went to the bathroom and go through it alone in the shower so I didnt disturb him. My family grew to dislike him for treating me so wrong. And to this day they hate that I stay with him.
So back to what I was saying: My first love reached out to me recently, apologized that he had ever left. That he now realized that I was so kind and loving and that I deserve that same love back 100 times over. He's a single dad now and has been for over a year. He knows Im in a bad relationship because he ran into my mother who so nicely filled him in on my situation. We speak only as friends but he tells me if he had the chance he'd do whatever he could to get back to what we had when we were younger. I have to admit, he still gives me those stomach butterflies. He still makes me laugh like when we were kids. And I'll always be there for him when he needs me. The love is still there. But he hasnt tried to overstep his boundaries. He's very respectful of my being with someone else.
A few days ago, My sons father and I got into one of the worst arguments over his drinking habits. He gets drunk a lot and calls me every horrible name under the sun. I tell him he cant keep treating me badly in front of our child. To which he agrees when he's sober but then goes back to being a jerk when he's drunk. Well, this time it was so bad that my brother stepped in and decided to call the cops to my home. The officer even expressed that "he sounds like a real *kitten*. Why dont you leave?" I said "I dont want to fail at having a family. My poor son." And the officer replied. "He's like a sponge now...I cant tell you what to do. But in my opinion, you should go. Cause if I have to come back, someone will go to jail." HOLY CRAP! I've never been to jail! I have no criminal record what so ever! Anyway, ever since that day he's been nicer. But he always relapses into being an *kitten*. When he's good he's good. But when he's bad, he's horrible...verbally abusive.
So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
Here's my problem: Recently my first love reached out to me on FB, but let me give you some history..... We were kids together and very good friends. We started a more serious relationship when I was 16 and he was 15. I swear it was something out of a movie. We even lost our virginity to eachother when I was18. But then, I guess he grew tired and left me for another girl. I was very heartbroken but remained in love with him. He even went on to have a son of his own with that girl. And everytime they would seperate, he'd always come back to me to talk or spend time together to forget what he was going through. It's been 12 years since he left me. I waited for him for 7 of those years. I did date others during that time but my heart was always his. Then I met my sons father, I wasnt in love with him. But he was handsome and kind and I wasnt getting any younger. So I settled and after a month of dating him. I got pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy.
From the moment I became pregnant he became jealous, overbearing, demanding, just mean. Pregnancy is supposed to be this beautiful time for a woman but mine was dreadful. Even to the day I went into labor one night. I had woken him up as I sat up in bed to scream out in pain from the contractions. He was angry with me and yelled at me to take a tylenol and go to bed. I got angry and went to the bathroom and go through it alone in the shower so I didnt disturb him. My family grew to dislike him for treating me so wrong. And to this day they hate that I stay with him.
So back to what I was saying: My first love reached out to me recently, apologized that he had ever left. That he now realized that I was so kind and loving and that I deserve that same love back 100 times over. He's a single dad now and has been for over a year. He knows Im in a bad relationship because he ran into my mother who so nicely filled him in on my situation. We speak only as friends but he tells me if he had the chance he'd do whatever he could to get back to what we had when we were younger. I have to admit, he still gives me those stomach butterflies. He still makes me laugh like when we were kids. And I'll always be there for him when he needs me. The love is still there. But he hasnt tried to overstep his boundaries. He's very respectful of my being with someone else.
A few days ago, My sons father and I got into one of the worst arguments over his drinking habits. He gets drunk a lot and calls me every horrible name under the sun. I tell him he cant keep treating me badly in front of our child. To which he agrees when he's sober but then goes back to being a jerk when he's drunk. Well, this time it was so bad that my brother stepped in and decided to call the cops to my home. The officer even expressed that "he sounds like a real *kitten*. Why dont you leave?" I said "I dont want to fail at having a family. My poor son." And the officer replied. "He's like a sponge now...I cant tell you what to do. But in my opinion, you should go. Cause if I have to come back, someone will go to jail." HOLY CRAP! I've never been to jail! I have no criminal record what so ever! Anyway, ever since that day he's been nicer. But he always relapses into being an *kitten*. When he's good he's good. But when he's bad, he's horrible...verbally abusive.
So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
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Replies
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Neither. You have no idea who you are when you're not defining yourself through your relationships with men.dianaH1986 wrote: »So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
Leave your horrible, controlling boyfriend. If he's a good father, find a reasonable way to share custody. Spend some time learning who YOU are (besides a mother) and who you WANT to be (besides a girlfriend or wife).
Learn to be a decent role model for your son. Show him how to be strong. Teach him to respect you and everyone else, because you are worthy of respect.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please do everything you can to get out.
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Neither. You have no idea who you are when you're not defining yourself through your relationships with men.dianaH1986 wrote: »So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
Leave your horrible, controlling boyfriend. If he's a good father, find a reasonable way to share custody. Spend some time learning who YOU are (besides a mother) and who you WANT to be (besides a girlfriend or wife).
Learn to be a decent role model for your son. Show him how to be strong. Teach him to respect you and everyone else, because you are worthy of respect.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please do everything you can to get out.
Yes to all of this. Put it much better than I could have.1 -
Do you want your son to treat women the way his father treats you? Cuz he probably (not definitely) will. Children learn what they live. It's just that simple.5
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Neither. You have no idea who you are when you're not defining yourself through your relationships with men.dianaH1986 wrote: »So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
Leave your horrible, controlling boyfriend. If he's a good father, find a reasonable way to share custody. Spend some time learning who YOU are (besides a mother) and who you WANT to be (besides a girlfriend or wife).
Learn to be a decent role model for your son. Show him how to be strong. Teach him to respect you and everyone else, because you are worthy of respect.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please do everything you can to get out.
This. Your old boyfriend left you for someone else when he got bored and will do it again. Your new boyfriend is dangerous. You have to get out and raise your son alone. Plus the fact your boyfriend says that if you leave him you 'will never see your son again' is very worrying. That doesn't necessarily mean he will try to get custody. That could be a threat to your life. Or your child's life. Get our now.
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Your son's father is abusing you by isolating and controlling you. He is treating you like property. Like a slave. Get rid of him.5
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I mean even the cop laid it out for you straight. Take that cop's advice. He was absolutely right and he sees this all the time so he knows.4
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I 100% agree with the previous posters. You need to leave your current situation, if not for you, for your son. You do NOT need to get involved with this other man. If nothing else, immediately jumping into another relationship can be used against you in the custody battle, and reinforces that your current partner was right to distrust you (not really, but your partner will see it that way; and will most likely spread that rumor to everyone, including your child). Find a safe place to go, take your child, and take time to stabilize yourself before adding anyone else to the mix.2
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »
Neither. You have no idea who you are when you're not defining yourself through your relationships with men.dianaH1986 wrote: »So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
Leave your horrible, controlling boyfriend. If he's a good father, find a reasonable way to share custody. Spend some time learning who YOU are (besides a mother) and who you WANT to be (besides a girlfriend or wife).
Learn to be a decent role model for your son. Show him how to be strong. Teach him to respect you and everyone else, because you are worthy of respect.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please do everything you can to get out.
This. Your old boyfriend left you for someone else when he got bored and will do it again. Your new boyfriend is dangerous. You have to get out and raise your son alone. Plus the fact your boyfriend says that if you leave him you 'will never see your son again' is very worrying. That doesn't necessarily mean he will try to get custody. That could be a threat to your life. Or your child's life. Get our now.
All of this. Please get yourself out of this situation and learn to be on your own for a bit. Don't jump straight into a relationship with the ex.1 -
dianaH1986 wrote: »So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
Is this a joke thread? If it's not, you need to give the finger to both guys and move on alone with your son.
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These are two completely separate issues. Regardless of whatever you choose to do with ex-boyfriend (and IMO you need to leave that alone for now, you have enough going on) you need to deal with current boyfriend. The isolation and control is crazy....
It makes me afraid for you. I think you need an exit plan. Get help from family. Get a safe place set up where he can't get to you and take your son somewhere safe. DON'T TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT FIRST. Have a plan on what to do if he shows up where you are. Get an attorney for help with custody. Don't be afraid to involve law enforcement if necessary. His behavior is not normal. Not being allowed to pee with the bathroom door shut? That is beyond intolerable.2 -
I think you know the answer. Common sense dictates you take your son and leave the current boyfriend and stay away from the old boyfriend. But the last girl I gave common sense advice to didn't listen anyways, so just do what you're going to do.2
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Good Lord! Believe it or not, you're story isn't unusual. Unfortunately, you used poor judgement in connecting with a guy that has some serious abandonment, insecurity and control issues. Don't use poor judgment and end up staying with someone that is creating a hostile environment and miserable life for yourself and your child. I know the focus is on how your boyfriend's actions and behavior affects you but it is also having a detrimental impact on your child too. Secondly, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SITUATION TO JUMP INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP! I can't state that strongly enough. Do not repeat a pattern of running to men that have their own issues that need to be resolved. I guarantee that this old boyfriend that you're pining over is just feeling lonely and is just remembering old times. Don't be a stop gap because it's almost a guarantee that he'll find someone else that suits his needs and you'll be on the out again, but this time with a child that's possibly screwed up from a crappy behaving Dad and a boyfriend that dumped Mom. My guess is that you already know all of this and are looking for someone to justify your thought processes. However, it's very likely that you won't listen to any of this because I feel that you have engrained behaviors and issues of your own that you haven't reconciled yet and will likely continue these patterns until you resolve them. My adivce is to take care of your child and yourself first and then think about adding someone else to the mix when, and if, you are able to get to a better place emotionally. That means leaving the jerk your with (that is if everything your saying is accurate), not getting back with the guy that dumped you years ago (or at least take a long time to learn his true intentions as friends) and establish a safe and loving home for yourself and your child. Find friends outside of relationships and find yourself again.4
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Leave the douche and build a better life for you and your son. Get a restraining order if needed. Stay away from the ex. Nothing good will come from that.0
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Find a place for you and your son to live (even temporarily). Pack up, leave and get a restraining order. Whether or not you realize it, you are a victim of domestic abuse. Right now. You're a victim. Don't be a victim. Leave.1
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Thank you all for your advice. I have every intention of doing what is best for my child more than myself because I think any parent could agree they want whats best for their child or children. I just didnt want to feel like such a failure. I appreciate the input.0
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dianaH1986 wrote: »Thank you all for your advice. I have every intention of doing what is best for my child more than myself because I think any parent could agree they want whats best for their child or children. I just didnt want to feel like such a failure. I appreciate the input.
Taking care of yourself and your child does not make you a failure. It makes you a great parent that was strong enough to stand on her own and do what was best for both of you.7 -
I think you should leave both and take some much needed alone time and find out who you are and what makes you happy. You don't need a man to complete you or make you happy. That has to come from within. And the example you and your child's father are setting for you son does not seem healthy at all and kids repeat what they see as that is their "normal" so you have to ask yourself, do you want your son treating women the way that you are being treated? It's abusive to say the least the way you are treated. I hope you make some decisions soon to protect you and your son's lives.0
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You know the answer. Listen to that little still voice. But your current boyfriend has major problems...some *kitten* so deep that even you can't fix or should want to. You are a mom now, and your child is dependent on you to make sound solid decisions. It is going to be uncomfortable at first, because you don't know how it feels to be free. But trust me, it is going to be so liberating for you to make decisions for YOURSELF other than someone else dictating how you have to pee and take showers. Also, why do you believe that you have to prove love by pardon this bs of a relationship? As someone stated, plan wisely AND FLEE! Your sanity and more importantly your life depends on it. If he hasn't started physically abusing you (which he probably has) that will be the next step.
Secondly, I don't know about your ex boyfriend. You might can entertain that somewhere down the line. But not now, you are in some deep shyt that you need to get out of and I don't even see how you have the mental capacity right now to even give that some thought. But you two were very young, and I can see how he wanted to go and explore....hell you two were messing around near puberty, it's very hard to tame a male beast during that time. But right now, save your child and save yourself. Best wishes2 -
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It's not worth it girl. Neither of them trust me o was in the same boat as you.. U are a beautiful girl, u can do better than those two guys.. I don't know girl but I know how it is..1
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I agree with all the above posts. Get out of your current situation. My first ex was one of those, and it won't get better. And before you run to your ex, who may be a good guy, take the time to get emotionally healthy yourself, for you and your child first. If he is a good guy, he will be willing to wait and be supportive.
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Worry about your son first.. Take care of your son1
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dianaH1986 wrote: »Okay, I have no friends what so ever. So I would like to ask for some advice about a situation Im in. First let me say I am a proud mother of a wonderful 3 year old son. He's the light of my life. His father, who I am currently with and have been for 4 years, can be sweet at times and is a good dad - Not great but good. He is the main reason I have no friends. He's very insecure and controlling. I can't have male friends because he says "I dont trust men around my woman." So I guess I can understand that. But I try to point out that I have never cheated on him, it takes two to go that route. And I cant have female friends because, in his words, "Females can put *kitten* in your head." So needless to say, It gets a bit lonely. I even have to shower with the bathroom door open or use the bathroom with the door open cause he thinks Im up to no good. Even if I leave my cell phone with him. But I listen to everything he says because I want to prove to him that im loyal and faithful, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Ive been doing this the whole 4 years. And im tired of it. I wanna take my son with me to stores or to the playground. You know, do normal stuff. I've expressed this to him and it causes awful arguments on a regular basis. But he says if I leave him, he'll make sure I never see my son again. Well, he'd have to prove Im unfit and he cant. Because Im very dedicated to being a mother while also holding a full time job as a receptionist.
Here's my problem: Recently my first love reached out to me on FB, but let me give you some history..... We were kids together and very good friends. We started a more serious relationship when I was 16 and he was 15. I swear it was something out of a movie. We even lost our virginity to eachother when I was18. But then, I guess he grew tired and left me for another girl. I was very heartbroken but remained in love with him. He even went on to have a son of his own with that girl. And everytime they would seperate, he'd always come back to me to talk or spend time together to forget what he was going through. It's been 12 years since he left me. I waited for him for 7 of those years. I did date others during that time but my heart was always his. Then I met my sons father, I wasnt in love with him. But he was handsome and kind and I wasnt getting any younger. So I settled and after a month of dating him. I got pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy.
From the moment I became pregnant he became jealous, overbearing, demanding, just mean. Pregnancy is supposed to be this beautiful time for a woman but mine was dreadful. Even to the day I went into labor one night. I had woken him up as I sat up in bed to scream out in pain from the contractions. He was angry with me and yelled at me to take a tylenol and go to bed. I got angry and went to the bathroom and go through it alone in the shower so I didnt disturb him. My family grew to dislike him for treating me so wrong. And to this day they hate that I stay with him.
So back to what I was saying: My first love reached out to me recently, apologized that he had ever left. That he now realized that I was so kind and loving and that I deserve that same love back 100 times over. He's a single dad now and has been for over a year. He knows Im in a bad relationship because he ran into my mother who so nicely filled him in on my situation. We speak only as friends but he tells me if he had the chance he'd do whatever he could to get back to what we had when we were younger. I have to admit, he still gives me those stomach butterflies. He still makes me laugh like when we were kids. And I'll always be there for him when he needs me. The love is still there. But he hasnt tried to overstep his boundaries. He's very respectful of my being with someone else.
A few days ago, My sons father and I got into one of the worst arguments over his drinking habits. He gets drunk a lot and calls me every horrible name under the sun. I tell him he cant keep treating me badly in front of our child. To which he agrees when he's sober but then goes back to being a jerk when he's drunk. Well, this time it was so bad that my brother stepped in and decided to call the cops to my home. The officer even expressed that "he sounds like a real *kitten*. Why dont you leave?" I said "I dont want to fail at having a family. My poor son." And the officer replied. "He's like a sponge now...I cant tell you what to do. But in my opinion, you should go. Cause if I have to come back, someone will go to jail." HOLY CRAP! I've never been to jail! I have no criminal record what so ever! Anyway, ever since that day he's been nicer. But he always relapses into being an *kitten*. When he's good he's good. But when he's bad, he's horrible...verbally abusive.
So, should I give my son's father another chance? Or should I leave and try to rekindle the love I have for my ex?
You must do what's best for your child, leave both of these men behind & until you sort out why you're attracted to men, whom treat you so awfully, you shouldn't even date because it seems you'll just replace them, with someone just as bad; if not worse!0 -
All of this is great advice. I would also suggest once you are out of this situation that you get counseling. They will help you work out the feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing and learning to respect yourself, having confidence in yourself.1
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You owe it to your son to leave. Get out ASAP and get counseling. You need to heal yourself so that you don't repeat the cycle with your son. Do not jump from one relationship to another. There are organizations out there that can help. Critical pieces of advice:
(1) delete your face picture or any picture with identifying characteristics,
(2) let us know what state and city you are in so we can send you phone numbers of shelters and other organizations who can help,
(3) flag this thread after you get the information you need so it's no longer out in the public domain, and
(4) delete everything once you have what you need (browser history, messages here, etc.) so your boyfriend doesn't find it. I don't want you getting hurt because of this thread. Do not tell anyone of your intentions except the organization who is helping you. The fewer IRL who know the better.7 -
sunnybeaches105 wrote: »You owe it to your son to leave. Get out ASAP and get counseling. You need to heal yourself so that you don't repeat the cycle with your son. Do not jump from one relationship to another. There are organizations out there that can help. Two critical pieces of advice:
(1) delete your face picture or any picture with identifying characteristics,
(2) let us know what state and city you are in so we can send you phone numbers of shelters and other organizations who can help,
(3) flag this thread after you get the information you need so it's no longer out in the public domain, and
(4) delete everything once you have what you need (browser history, messages here, etc.) so your boyfriend doesn't find it. I don't want you getting hurt because of this thread. Do not tell anyone of your intentions except the organization who is helping you. The fewer IRL who know the better.
Do you think it can really go that far? My mother has told me to leave while he's at work and get a PFA and emergency custody. But Im pretty nervous about it.0 -
If this thread is "genuine" you have very good advice in here. I have nothing more to offer other than I side with the majority on their recommendations and suggestions. Good luck.0
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dianaH1986 wrote: »sunnybeaches105 wrote: »You owe it to your son to leave. Get out ASAP and get counseling. You need to heal yourself so that you don't repeat the cycle with your son. Do not jump from one relationship to another. There are organizations out there that can help. Two critical pieces of advice:
(1) delete your face picture or any picture with identifying characteristics,
(2) let us know what state and city you are in so we can send you phone numbers of shelters and other organizations who can help,
(3) flag this thread after you get the information you need so it's no longer out in the public domain, and
(4) delete everything once you have what you need (browser history, messages here, etc.) so your boyfriend doesn't find it. I don't want you getting hurt because of this thread. Do not tell anyone of your intentions except the organization who is helping you. The fewer IRL who know the better.
Do you think it can really go that far? My mother has told me to leave while he's at work and get a PFA and emergency custody. But Im pretty nervous about it.
If you're serious and this is real then you need to act. You'll need help with safety and legal issues.0
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