Mixed Weight Couples

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  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
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    LaurenRitter205 wrote: »
    My boyfriend and I are a mixed weight couple. My boyfriend has a very nice athletic bod and currently trying to gain weight/muscle while I'm morbidly obese with a mothers apron, bat wings and huge thighs and butt. He says he absolutely loves me and my body and he says that I shouldn't be so self conscious because he thinks I'm beautiful but I can't help it. He's dated much prettier women than me with nice bodies and his whole family is naturally very slim and they're all very good looking as well and I guess I just feel like I'm always being judged because of my weight. And I feel like people look at us and think we're an odd couple or that he's too good looking for me. I know I shouldn't care what other people think because it's quite honestly the most amazing relationship I've been in and id never let people's opinions get in the way of us but I can't help feeling like this lately. I've been so hateful towards my body because I've been slacking and gained a few pounds and for some reason I feel embarrassed for him because he's with me. It's been a good way to keep me motivated in staying with my new lifestyle change but I feel like I'm the only who might feel this way.

    Am I crazy and alone on this or anyone else ever felt this way or had these struggles? How would YOU deal with this sort of thing?

    PS: I know I sound whiney and stupid but I just had to get this out somewhere.

    Maybe you need to fix things just for your health, not for your thoughts about the relationship. How long have you been together? Was there a big change with you over time, or is this the way he found you? I think you should believe him if he says he loves you the way you are.
  • sarahthes
    sarahthes Posts: 3,252 Member
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    At 212 lbs and 5'4", I'm skinnier now than I was when I got married. Whereas my husband has gained about 30 lbs and went from borderline underweight to something a bit healthier.

    We've been married 11 years. I think we're good :).
  • ogmomma2012
    ogmomma2012 Posts: 1,520 Member
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    I agree with the second poster, until you stop looking at yourself negatively and think of your weight loss journey as loving yourself enough to take care of YOU, you'll always think others see you in the same light you see you. :) And believe me, pleeeenty of fitter men like a bigger gal, it is NOT uncommon.
  • lthames0810
    lthames0810 Posts: 722 Member
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    My husband and I are not a mixed weight couple. In fact we wear the same size clothes. (Don't ask how I know this.) But I just wanted to say that I no longer can tell if he is handsome or attractive in the objective sense because when I look at him I just see the one I love, so his looks appeal to me no matter what. Trust that your husband feels the same way and ignore what other people may think.
  • bethannien
    bethannien Posts: 556 Member
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    My husband put on 50 pounds after we met and he's still skinny. I was thin(ish) the first year we dated and have spent the 6 years since in a cycle of gaining and losing the same 30 or so pounds.

    I think the only time I have really worried about it was recently. And that's only because his new step mother said something kind of snarky about my weight (when I was literally 9+months pregnant). Now I'm hyper aware of the fact that I weigh 5 pounds more than my 6'4" husband STILL after having lost close to 15 pounds.

    But he loves me and seems to not mind the extra weight (see babies 1 and 2). I'm losing the weight for me, not for anyone else's perception of him marrying down or whatever.
  • Caroline393
    Caroline393 Posts: 71 Member
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    My boyfriend weighs less than me. He's taller too. But he's a stick and always has been. (And you know what, he's a bit insecure about his weight too). I get kind of self-conscious about it sometimes because I feel like I have an idea of what a couple should look like, and in my head it's me (the girl) being smaller than the guy. I know that's silly but it's how I picture it. I always get self-conscious when he picks me up or if he touches my tummy, but since we've been together for almost a year it's gotten better. I feel like he genuinely doesn't care and thinks I'm hot no matter what. That being said, he's been super supportive and enthusiastic about my weight loss goals and efforts and is encouraging about it. So I really think most of our insecurity just comes from us projecting our ideas of what should be onto those around us. We should just work on bettering ourselves for our own sake and work on being healthier and more confident.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    I was thinking about this more and wanted to say that you have to learn to love yourself and that takes work at reframing your thoughts to see the positive. You might do that alone or may need help from a therapist to work through your issues.
    I went through a period of intense self hatred to the point where I wanted to physically harm myself. I don't know why I got to that negative place. My thoughts were poison. I had to sit down one day and make a list of 10 things I liked about me. Not things other people liked but things I liked. It was really hard. I had to start thinking of all I had and could do instead of focusing on what I wasn't.
    My value as a person is not a number on a scale or a clothing size. I concluded that I deserve to be healthy and live a full life. Getting to a healthy weight is part of taking care of me and being able to live the life I want. It isn't so I look better next to my dh. I'm not going to dye my hair or get plastic surgery. I'm not going to punish myself for being overweight. I'm not going to feel bad that I don't look like someone else. I am a much happier person. I liked myself before I lost any weight.
    Your weight can and will change. It isn't who you are. It doesn't make you a better or worse person to be a size 6 or a size 22. It doesn't make you more or less worthy of love.

  • melonaulait
    melonaulait Posts: 769 Member
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    As someone with a very unhealthy inner voice myself, I can tell you it's a toxic way of looking at your life. Whatever you think of yourself, you will also make it the reality for yourself.

    I believe the solution is to try hard to work on your own self worth, image and care for yourself. You have a very caring partner it seems, they'll support you through this! :)
  • Mirelle242
    Mirelle242 Posts: 63 Member
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    You got so much good advice! But I know how you feel. That's why I'll encourage you to not only focus on losing weight but focus on loving who you are! Then eventually your love on the inside is gonna shine from the outside
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
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    Gena575 wrote: »
    I struggle some with this as well. Not only am I heavier, but he's a shortie. He still, at 40-something, wants nookie daily and near begs to see me nekkid. I think he's nuts, but obviously he loves me as I am.

    @Gena575 Very good. If you spend the rest of your life together, it's quite right right you'd continue to see each other like that, no matter what changes you go through. He shouldn't even have to beg. Continue to love each other, and maybe make changes for your health as you age, not just for visual comparisons.
  • varuamoon
    varuamoon Posts: 7 Member
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    Sounds like the guy is really into you. But you doubting his feelings for you could make him doubt his own attractiveness to you. So go grab his butt and let him know how much you're into him. It might just help your self confidence too.
  • RhapsodyWinters
    RhapsodyWinters Posts: 128 Member
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    LaurenRitter205 wrote: »
    Am I crazy and alone on this or anyone else ever felt this way or had these struggles? How would YOU deal with this sort of thing?

    PS: I know I sound whiney and stupid but I just had to get this out somewhere.

    Oh my god this. I have self-esteem issues, spanning from when I was a kid (and I was a super skinny kid. I just had childhood acne and became the butt of people's jokes at school. Didn't make any friends because of it). My boyfriend is also overweight, though not as much as me. The topic comes up sometimes, and I tell him the thoughts I have about not being 'pretty' enough and being ugly and him not getting "attracted" to me (we're a Long Distance Relationship, meeting up in mid February for the first time!!), and he consistently tells me he loves me and thinks I'm pretty (a lie I'm sure, I still have plenty pop-ups of acne, and that's certainly not attractive whatsoever). He says he doesn't care how much I weigh, and only cares that we live well into our 1000's (xD because we're totally gonna live forever. What do we say to the god of death? NOT TODAY)

    When he visits in February, if everything even goes well with my weight loss, I'll match his weight (if he does nothing to lose weight). I'm 5'4 and he's 6', so obviously I'll still be heavier than him. I constantly worry about this.

    However, I know that the only thing I can do is work on myself. Losing the weight, going to the gym, and getting fit. Yes. A portion of the reason I'm doing this is for him. But A large part is for myself. I want to be fit. I want to be happy with my body (I think the stretch marks will annoy me, but I don't think I'll hate them. Especially not if I was able to drop the 130lb I'm aiming for!)

    If you ever need a friend to talk to, feel free to talk to me. I know people on here are saying "you have to build up your self-esteem!"...well it's not simple as that. You don't just magically create self esteem. I already feel better just by going to the gym 6 days a week (though only for about 30-45 min each day). I imagine my self-esteem will increase as the weight decreases.

  • esjones12
    esjones12 Posts: 1,363 Member
    edited September 2016
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    When my boyfriend and I started dating 9 months ago I was 165lbs at 5'8 and he was around 145lbs at 5'3. I got over the height issue pretty quick because we click in so many ways and both love health and fitness. February through July were a freaking train wreck for me....I ran into a slew of health problems that completely knocked me off my feet. I was unable to exercise and reverted back to binge eating to deal with stress. I jumped back up to 195. Was able to shed 10 pounds the past two months but am super struggling. Meanwhile the boyfriend has been Ultra marathon training (actually running his 100k tomorrow, woot woot!).....and he dropped to 130! I feel awkward and ashamed a lot because I hate that I let this happen to me, and I want to be fit and healthy so I can go running with him, etc. However, bottom line is.....I don't really give a crap what others think of us together. He has been so fantastically supporting though everything I've experienced this year and tells me I'm beautiful all the time.

    If you love him and he doesn't make you feel ashamed of yourself - then enjoy your happiness. Stop letting what others may or may not think about you from the outside. I bet if you asked your closest friends they would give you some heartfelt reasons why they think the two of you are great together ;)

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