What to do when your parent(s) dislike your SO?

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bellaa_x0
bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
in Chit-Chat
Curious what people think about this one.. what would you do as an adult (i.e. 25+) if your parent(s) expressed that they do not like your significant other?
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  • DeficitDuchess
    DeficitDuchess Posts: 3,099 Member
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    It depends're they right, not to; is the SO problematic or not?
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,874 Member
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    I would probably do nothing and just carry on with life.
  • littlebritttfit
    littlebritttfit Posts: 72 Member
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    what's their reasoning? i think it all depends on that. if it's something petty, they can kick rocks until they can gtf over it. if their concern is legit... well, maybe you should listen to 'em.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,492 Member
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    Do nothing.
    You can't change their attitudes.
    It's okay.... if they want to change, they will.
    If they don't, they won't.
  • lalee115
    lalee115 Posts: 185 Member
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    DeficitDuchess wrote: »
    It depends're they right, not to; is the SO problematic or not?

    Amen. My parents hated my son's dad when we first met (and, really, the entire relationship). 10 years and a divorce later, I wish I had listened. Though, I at least got my little dude out of it! Thankfully, they adore my fiance, so I don't have that problem. But I definitely would have listened and at least tried to see if they were right or overreacting if they expressed concerns in the beginning. You live and learn.
  • aliem
    aliem Posts: 326 Member
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    Depends. Personally, I cut my mother out of my life due to the treatment of my bf. Sounds a bit harsh, but it was more of a "last straw", as her treatment of me has been terrible through my life. If you have a more reasonable relationship with your parents, it might just take time for them to get used to your SO or they may be right and one day you may see their side and ultimately end the relationship.
  • Grey_1
    Grey_1 Posts: 1,139 Member
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    I'm guessing input from a father of a 25 yo whose SO I disapprove of wouldn't be welcome :p

    I'll show myself out now lol
  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
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    i obviously value their opinion so it hurts a lot, but he is not problematic. every guy i've ever dated has been "problematic" in my mother's eyes. and this morning she decided to start a huge blow out with me and inform me that "they" (as in my mother and father) would not support me marrying him (don't know where this is all coming from other than that we have been dating for a few years).
  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
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    Grey_1 wrote: »
    I'm guessing input from a father of a 25 yo whose SO I disapprove of wouldn't be welcome :p

    I'll show myself out now lol

    haha i'm older than 25, just thought 21+ was a little too young for what i meant
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,492 Member
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    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    i obviously value their opinion so it hurts a lot, but he is not problematic. every guy i've ever dated has been "problematic" in my mother's eyes. and this morning she decided to start a huge blow out with me and inform me that "they" (as in my mother and father) would not support me marrying him (don't know where this is all coming from other than that we have been dating for a few years).

    She's afraid of letting go.
    It's okay, it's a common pathology.

    If you love something, set it free.


  • lalee115
    lalee115 Posts: 185 Member
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    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    i obviously value their opinion so it hurts a lot, but he is not problematic. every guy i've ever dated has been "problematic" in my mother's eyes. and this morning she decided to start a huge blow out with me and inform me that "they" (as in my mother and father) would not support me marrying him (don't know where this is all coming from other than that we have been dating for a few years).

    Have you asked what, specifically, is the problem they have?
  • Grey_1
    Grey_1 Posts: 1,139 Member
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    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    Grey_1 wrote: »
    I'm guessing input from a father of a 25 yo whose SO I disapprove of wouldn't be welcome :p

    I'll show myself out now lol

    haha i'm older than 25, just thought 21+ was a little too young for what i meant

    Not at all. 21 is still very much adult. All I can say really, is that some folks forget their parents are people too, with insights and experience, just like the folks on this board.

    My youngest and I are very close - she's smart, tough, hard worker and all around very decent person. He isn't. Long and short of it is that he isn't worthy of her, nor is he open to changing that. If he opened up to talking about it, listening to her mother and I, we might change our minds. No one is perfect, least of all me :)

    Tough call without knowing the people involved much better, but, if the relationship with the parents is good, maybe listen for a bit. There's an outside chance they might be onto something.
  • yayamom3
    yayamom3 Posts: 939 Member
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    I think there's a couple of different ways to look at this situation. First, what are their reasons? Once they tell you, take a step back and evaluate if there is cause for concern based upon these reasons. A mother's intuition is not something to be ignored, so at least listen to what they have to say. If there are no red flags, consider my second point.

    Second, I think it's natural for lots of parents to initially scoff at their child's SO. It can be hard to welcome someone new into your family that changes your whole family dynamic (I know this from my own experience with my kids). Parents tend to look at their children through rose-colored glasses and have a hard time accepting that anyone less than perfect is good enough for their child. With my own MIL, she was very unkind and unwelcoming to me for a long time. It was only after many years of her own friends and family telling her how much they liked me and why that she finally came around. She just couldn't let her son go. I came to realize that it was nothing personal. She would have treated anyone this way, because they "took" her son. I've been very careful to not make the same mistakes with my own kids. Unless there's a giant red flag, I bite my tongue and smile. I don't ever want to make my kids or their loves feel the way she made me feel.
  • RunHardBeStrong
    RunHardBeStrong Posts: 33,069 Member
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    Tell them I don't blame them, I don't like him anymore either.
  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
    edited November 2016
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    his age seems to come up often... i'll be 28 in december and he is going to be 39 a day later.

    i haven't actually had the chance to have a civil conversation with her to ask her to explain her reasoning, but i do know age is an issue here (or so she says).
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    edited November 2016
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    How about you figure out why they don't like them?
    Talking about this sort of thing might be enlightening.

    There is probably a reason, even if it isn't a rational one.
  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
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    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    Age is not an issue. Did he make an effort to reach out?

    This is tough. I have strong reason to believe that my FIL dislikes me after a couple years of smooth relations. Not everyone is adored by the inlaws.

    my brother and sister LOVE him. if my father feels the same as my mother, he doesn't show it. my boyfriend always brings something for my family whenever he comes by, birthday gifts/cards, etc. he has even tried to talk to my mother after this incident and apparently she "doesn't want to talk" yet he still went and got cookies from the bakery and left them on the front step for her.
  • lalee115
    lalee115 Posts: 185 Member
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    Sounds to me like your mom is being a bit irrational. Having a big age gap is not a real legit complaint assuming there's nothing illegal/immoral going on (in this case not). There must be something else going on in her head. I'd try to talk to her, especially since he seems to be trying and everyone else likes him.
  • bellaa_x0
    bellaa_x0 Posts: 1,062 Member
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    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    bellaa_x0 wrote: »
    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    Age is not an issue. Did he make an effort to reach out?

    This is tough. I have strong reason to believe that my FIL dislikes me after a couple years of smooth relations. Not everyone is adored by the inlaws.

    my brother and sister LOVE him. if my father feels the same as my mother, he doesn't show it. my boyfriend always brings something for my family whenever he comes by, birthday gifts/cards, etc. he has even tried to talk to my mother after this incident and apparently she "doesn't want to talk" yet he still went and got cookies from the bakery and left them on the front step for her.
    That's unfortunate and sad. She has to get with the program. That he is still trying to get her gifts is a good sign and she should just notice it and get over it. 39 isn't old at all.... is he black, latino or something? Lol I just don't get it.

    no he's not haha he's asian.

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