How to be selfish, but not mean
OhReally42
Posts: 138 Member
This sounds really weird for me to write here, but how do I be selfish about the food that I buy and not feel mean or guilty? I have pcos and have to completely change my diet. I have picked up some foods for myself that will help me lose weight and learn to manage my hunger, but my boyfriends mom lives with us and she doesn't buy food, but she eats the food we buy. I try to hide my food, but I can only hide the dry foods. I can't say anything to her because she tells me I'm being mean. So I plan on continuing to hide what I can, but I feel guilty. How do I let myself be selfish?
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Replies
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Do what works for you. Become important to yourself and your own well being.
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I'm guessing there is a reason she isn't contributing to groceries while living in your place. Can you ask her to help you construct a mutual shopping list, so that you can buy extra of the things she will eat? Or purchase alternatives that she will eat instead of the things you are picking up for yourself.
Personally, I don't think it's mean for you to expect to get to eat the food you purchase, but I live with animals who rarely eat my food without permission.9 -
Can you buy enough of the things for you that she can share them?4
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You need to tell her, very clearly, that to deal with your medical condition you must have a ready supply of certain foods available. If she would like to eat them, she needs to let you know which things she will be eating so you can buy ample quantities.
Or alternatively, the entire kitchen is filled with ONLY the foods that work for you.
Just so you don't feel bad, this would drive me nuts. I would become resentful very quickly. Best you have that talk.17 -
MissusMoon wrote: »You need to tell her, very clearly, that to deal with your medical condition you must have a ready supply of certain foods available. If she would like to eat them, she needs to let you know which things she will be eating so you can buy ample quantities.
Or alternatively, the entire kitchen is filled with ONLY the foods that work for you.
Just so you don't feel bad, this would drive me nuts. I would become resentful very quickly. Best you have that talk.
Agreed. This would really irk me. If there is a financial reason you can't buy these foods for her as well as yourself OP, you need to explain to her these are for your health. If she continues to call you mean, then she's the one being selfish.6 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Can you buy enough of the things for you that she can share them?
I did try that this time I went shopping but then she just ate bigger servings herself.
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OhReally42 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Can you buy enough of the things for you that she can share them?
I did try that this time I went shopping but then she just ate bigger servings herself.
To be honest, this sounds like a very psychologically unhealthy situation.
I say fill the house with only the things you can eat. This is your health we're talking about.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this drama.6 -
Ask your boyfriend to buy food for his mum, as your grocery list is for your health management. Ask him to explain the reasoning to her too. Some mums cannot take/ receive information from their sons gf or wives.
Maybe a tall dormitory sized refrigerator/freezer for your perishables can be stored in your bedroom/garage with locks installed?
Good luck!
ETA: Might be your pad/house, but he is her son and she is his mother.6 -
Hi girl,
your mother in law lives with you, on your expense, it is generous of you to give her a roof over her head and daily meals. Don't let her take over by making you feel guilty or meal -you are generous!
She is way out of her rights eating what you have bought for you. Let her know clearly, make sure your boyfriend tells her same thing.
When I dieted, I kept my special food in my fridge, shared with my family of five. To make sure it was clear to everybody what was mine, I put it on upper shelf in a green plastic box. It worked.
I ate less, but my food was more expensive. I had like one special cookie a day. My husband had maybe five. It's normal than my only cookie is a special one, I had just one!
Don't hesitate to make clear to tell her what's the deal. Don't let her make you feel bad, don't let her get to you.
You are already giving a lot.
It's normal you keep a bit for yourself, we all do. In a field or another.
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Setting boundaries isn't selfish. That's being a bit harsh on yourself, I think....try some of the suggestions above...2
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Hi girl,
your mother in law lives with you, on your expense, it is generous of you to give her a roof over her head and daily meals. Don't let her take over by making you feel guilty or meal -you are generous!
She is way out of her rights eating what you have bought for you. Let her know clearly, make sure your boyfriend tells her same thing.
When I dieted, I kept my special food in my fridge, shared with my family of five. To make sure it was clear to everybody what was mine, I put it on upper shelf in a green plastic box. It worked.
I ate less, but my food was more expensive. I had like one special cookie a day. My husband had maybe five. It's normal than my only cookie is a special one, I had just one!
Don't hesitate to make clear to tell her what's the deal. Don't let her make you feel bad, don't let her get to you.
You are already giving a lot.
It's normal you keep a bit for yourself, we all do. In a field or another.
This is what I do! I'm trying to gain weight and also have a bowel disorder which means I'm on a restricted diet. My family know that,as they can pretty much eat anything and aren't underweight or overweight,they don't touch "my" food. Don't feel guilty - you are taking care of your own health.2 -
Maybe ask her what foods she would like you to buy her. You have your grocery list- she has hers?2
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OhReally42 wrote: »This sounds really weird for me to write here, but how do I be selfish about the food that I buy and not feel mean or guilty? I have pcos and have to completely change my diet. I have picked up some foods for myself that will help me lose weight and learn to manage my hunger, but my boyfriends mom lives with us and she doesn't buy food, but she eats the food we buy. I try to hide my food, but I can only hide the dry foods. I can't say anything to her because she tells me I'm being mean. So I plan on continuing to hide what I can, but I feel guilty. How do I let myself be selfish?
So, you have a situation where someone is eating food they do not buy and eating a lot more of it than other people.
Do you have an agreement on sharing household expenses? Is she contributing to the household in some way.
It is not selfish or mean to say don't eat all the food I buy. It is basic sharing 101.
In my house I equally divide some shared foods into containers with our names on it. People can eat their share. It is fair. Maybe you can try that.2 -
I think your husband needs to have a little talk with his mom!8
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Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?2
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I would sit down with her and explain to her that these food belong to YOU. If she would like to eat these kinds of foods you will buy extra just for her. That does not mean eating hers and yours. Explain to her why you are doing this and how important it is for her to be on the same page with you if she is going to continue to live there.1
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?
Hey, a baby!!! Congrats, @Chef_Barbell!!! (Total derail.
Sorry, not sorry.) 4 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?
Hey, a baby!!! Congrats, @Chef_Barbell!!! (Total derail. Sorry, not sorry.)
Thanks! We do wut we want! :laugh: 3 -
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it is self-loving! Don't ever let anyone tell you any different. Your first job is to take care of yourself and if you don't do it, nobody else ever will. (And as RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?").
It sounds like you are in a difficult situation, but if you can't stand up to your bf's mother (and your bf) in this situation, you will always lose. Longer term, it may come down to a choice between yourself and your boyfriend and his mother. That choice is a no-brainer. Take care of yourself.3 -
I am on a restricted diet as well. Even if I offer food to my family, they won't eat more than taste testing sizes (if that) because they feel like it isn't fair. Sometimes one of us will buy something that we all can share like tangerines or celery (them for chili, me for broth), but for the most part, we respect each others boundaries. You have to take care of yourself in this case. Talk with your boyfriend since it seems like talking to his mother isn't working. If it means buying an extra fridge with a lock, then go for it!2
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Eat out, no food in the house for her to steal. How's that for selfish?0
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?
My boyfriend is just as frustrated. It's a hard situation because she gets just as angry at him, and meaner. But he agrees that we need to get a mini fridge and find a way to hide it.0 -
Can you buy food that she will like even better, so she'll eat that instead? Make yours the "boring" food that she won't want in comparison to the other stuff LOL
Even better, if she still eats your stuff and not the super yummy special stuff you bought her, you can get all passive aggressive and hurt.0 -
OhReally42 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?
My boyfriend is just as frustrated. It's a hard situation because she gets just as angry at him, and meaner. But he agrees that we need to get a mini fridge and find a way to hide it.
Going back to fundamentals here. Why is she living with you? Why doesn't she do her own shopping? Does she contribute to the household financially or otherwise? Can you ask her to move out? Seems like that would be a good solution if both of you are frustrated with her, acknowledging that this may not be possible as she's family. This is not something I'd put up with from someone living in my house and not contributing in some large way
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OhReally42 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?
My boyfriend is just as frustrated. It's a hard situation because she gets just as angry at him, and meaner. But he agrees that we need to get a mini fridge and find a way to hide it.
She should find her own place if she wants to have an opinion about stuff she doesn't pay for. :noway:
You shouldn't have to live like that in your own damn house.7 -
OhReally42 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Eff outta here. Tell her if she can't stop eating your food she can get the eff out. But that would be me and what I would do. What does your boyfriend say?
My boyfriend is just as frustrated. It's a hard situation because she gets just as angry at him, and meaner. But he agrees that we need to get a mini fridge and find a way to hide it.
Going back to fundamentals here. Why is she living with you? Why doesn't she do her own shopping? Does she contribute to the household financially or otherwise? Can you ask her to move out? Seems like that would be a good solution if both of you are frustrated with her, acknowledging that this may not be possible as she's family. This is not something I'd put up with from someone living in my house and not contributing in some large way
All... Of... This.5 -
She's been saying since the beginning of the year that she's going to move and just never does. She has money to buy her own food, she honestly has more money than we do, she just doesn't manage her money in a good way. The only bill she contributes to is her half of the rent, but not utilities. My bf just tried to talk to her in a civilized conversation and she got mad saying "at least we get to eat today". Ive unfortunately resorted to counted slices of bread and numbers of eggs and I know she's lying. I feel like this is so petty but it's been 3 years of fighting over food and it's becoming more and more stressful0
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OhReally42 wrote: »She's been saying since the beginning of the year that she's going to move and just never does. She has money to buy her own food, she honestly has more money than we do, she just doesn't manage her money in a good way. The only bill she contributes to is her half of the rent, but not utilities. My bf just tried to talk to her in a civilized conversation and she got mad saying "at least we get to eat today". Ive unfortunately resorted to counted slices of bread and numbers of eggs and I know she's lying. I feel like this is so petty but it's been 3 years of fighting over food and it's becoming more and more stressful
I would then reevaluate the relationship. This doesn't get better.2 -
I posted a piece of paper on the fridge and told her to write down things we need to pick up for food and other groceries and even though it's as simple as using the pen attached to the paper she refuses to do that too.0
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My boyfriend and I haven't fought about it, but him and his mom and me and his mom.0
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