helpful or just mean

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2

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  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
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    wow so much for accepting you for you. he sounds like a dick and wants arm candy to parade around or whatever. he doesnt care about you if hes making these ultimatums. they may sound like suggestions to him but to me sounds like either you lose weight and become what he wants you to be or else.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    tamera_g wrote: »
    I have always had this fantasy of having plastic surgery to get rid of my lower stomach. No matter how hard I work out, it won't go away. So this year my husband said that he could make that happen. I was very surprised. This was a Fantasy, meaning I never thought it could happen. But I told him to give me a year to diet and then I will go to see what the doctor says.
    My husband didn't like this response. If I let him do this for me, he will have certain expectations of me like Never eating my favorite junk food again and sticking to my diet strictly. I'm not sure I can do this and I am not sure I want to give him that much power over me.
    This morning he sent me an email saying that as an extra incentive to lose weight, he wouldn't have sex with me until my BMI is at or below 25. My BMI has not been 25 since my first year of college and I am 36. I am trying to see his side of the story but all I can feel is hurt. What should I do? Does he have my best interest at heart or is he just being mean?

    Not helpful and pretty messed up.

    These things about your body like surgery or what size you will be are your decision. Your plan to try on your own for a year and then consult your doctor was reasonanable. Your dh pushing for a fast transformation is bad. He does not seem to have your health and happiness in mind.
    Witholding sex until you are at a certain weight is emotionally manipulative. I can go without sex for a lot longer than my dh... like he would be going crazy after a week. That would also make me wonder if he was up to something.
    I would do some thinking about your marriage.

    BTW, losing weight does mean giving up foods but simply eating the appropriate amount of calories to have a deficit. You don't have to completely overhaul your diet.
  • SweatsOnSunday
    SweatsOnSunday Posts: 514 Member
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    Stella3838 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    He's having sex with someone else

    I'd be inclined to agree. Most dudes won't easily give up sex if they get it on a somewhat regular basis. Otherwise, it's a d*ck move.

    Agreed. I thought "dick" as soon as I read it.

    I don't know your circumstances, or whether he's going through something in his own head. But 2 things come to mind:
    1. a spouse is a partner -- a go-to person, and you do not give ultimatums to a partner; and
    2. since when is sex a one-way street? Two to tango, and all that. There may come a time where you'll look at him and just say, "No, thanks."
  • Zinka61
    Zinka61 Posts: 523 Member
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    You deserve better than this.
  • lauracups
    lauracups Posts: 533 Member
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    If you stay with him, you're telling him his behavior is acceptable. As far as others have commented regarding deserving better or infidelity, I do not believe in the concept of "deserve ". There's what we work for, there's what we are graced with and there's a whole abyss of "unfair " that we learn to navigate. It's time to navigate what your comfortable with body, mind, relationship.
  • momar74
    momar74 Posts: 56 Member
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    blackcoffeeandcherrypie wrote: »
    tamera_g wrote: »
    I am trying to see his side of the story...

    What does 'his side of the story' have to do with your body? It's your body, it's all your side of the story. This is him trying to control your body with fear and blackmail.

    Whatever he says now is just him wriggling to get off the hook he put himself on, while he thought he was putting you on the hook.

    Whatever you do now, teaches him whether or not he can do this again. Be firm.

    I agree with blackcoffeeandcherrypie. This is all about control & manipulation.
  • YogaBookLady37
    YogaBookLady37 Posts: 34 Member
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    That's not helpful or mean. It's abusive.
  • courtneyfabulous
    courtneyfabulous Posts: 1,863 Member
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    Yikes! I hope he was joking!!!

    If not I think it's some for some couples therapy...
  • AngInCanada
    AngInCanada Posts: 947 Member
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    This would be the quickest weight loss I had ever achieved. Kick his *kitten* to the curb and instantly lose 150 lbs! No way in hell I'd EVER put up with a comment like that. Ever.
  • UnicornAmandaPanda
    UnicornAmandaPanda Posts: 161 Member
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    I'm sorry to say this but your husband is a prick. Trust your gut. You posting this and feeling this way shows you know the answer to your question. This is not ok whatsoever for anyone to treat the person they are building a life with. I am sorry you have to deal with this right now. Just know you are beautiful regardless if you have a little stomach pooch. Love and accept your body. Be grateful for your body! If you choose to have the surgery do it because YOU want to do it! Sending love your way! ❤
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
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    your hubby should want you to be healthier of course, but body shaming you? which is what this is because he wants you to be a certain size, is abuse like others have said. he should be supportive and love you no matter how you look, you are trying and that is what should matter. he should be like ok, if you lose the weight then I will help you achieve that dream/fantasy that YOU want.also doesnt he know plastic surgery wont be done unless you are at a decent weight and a lower body fat percentage anyway?

    any surgeon worth his stuff wont go cutting on someone with more weight/fat to lose,because it would be counterproductive. when you get the surgery you have to keep doing what you are doing to keep any weight gain/fat gain off or you will have to eventually repeat the process.a tummy tuck is to tighten anything loose after weight loss, you would have to finish losing the weight you need to lose before you have that kind of surgery anyway, dont let him treat you like this. tell him how you feel. if he doesnt care of doesnt take your feelings into consideration then it may be time to kick him to the curb.
  • tamera_g
    tamera_g Posts: 128 Member
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    Thanks to everyone for the advice! Today he's been super nice to me and extra helpful around the house. It's like he thinks I will forget what he said if he is nice enough.
  • harribeau2012
    harribeau2012 Posts: 644 Member
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    You don't mention how your husband USUALLY interacts with you. Is he usually blunt? Does he usually email?. Not everyone has good social skills and I can picture at least one acquaintance of mine who might say this (thinking it's helpful).
  • CaladriaNapea
    CaladriaNapea Posts: 140 Member
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    Your husband is being emotionally abusive, plain and simple. He is trying to control you through various means (offering to fulfill your dreams but only on his terms, attempting to control what you eat, controlling your sex life without any input from you). Honestly, it sounds power-trippy and abusive. As others have pointed out, if this is not how he normally is then there may be a miscommunication, in which case you guys need to talk and work this out. If this is some type of pattern (even if it's just an escalating one) then you definitely need to talk and possibly go to marital counseling. He needs to realize that your goals are about you, that sex is about both of you together, and none of this is something he should be attempting to control.

    Honestly, the worst thing you could do is what it sounds like he wants you to do--smile at him being nice today and then not make him talk about the issues that are really going on. You need to be honest with him, tell him that this hurt and why, tell him the lines that distinguish your choices from his, and figure out what is going on. He can't just help around the house and make up for the fact that he is treating your body like something he owns, not someone he loves.

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