Unintentionally unsupportive spouse?

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  • losingitandkeepingitoff
    losingitandkeepingitoff Posts: 20 Member
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    NorthRiver wrote: »
    arobey11 wrote: »
    My go-to has always been "I'm really glad that I have your support no matter my weight, and I know you love me for more than my body and I really appreciate that. I would feel better about myself and be much healthier if I lost weight, so I'm going to work hard to do this, and I would love your support."

    That seems like a very good answer. Maybe your husband is just worried you're not happy or you don't like yourself. You can tell him that he's wonderful and it's appreciated that he supports you at any weight, but for your own health and wellbeing, you're trying to make this change now.

    Definitely love the way you worded this - thank you!
  • losingitandkeepingitoff
    losingitandkeepingitoff Posts: 20 Member
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    Heather_MXP wrote: »
    losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    Honestly? I think he is trying to get me to keep the weight on. Like there have been times he specifically said 'I don't want you to lose any weight." BUT he follows that with the 'I love you the way you are', and how can I be mad at that. Ya know? I do think he has fears of me leaving if I get tiny - but they are completely unfounded. I would not leave him - regardless of my size - and have never given him reason to believe otherwise. And I don't want to get 'tiny' - my goal is 135-145. Just want to get to a 'healthy' range. :wink:

    I agree with SezxyStef. He'll probably just have to see over time that his worries about you leaving him were wrong.

    Thank you!
  • losingitandkeepingitoff
    losingitandkeepingitoff Posts: 20 Member
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    tcunbeliever wrote: »
    I usually just stick with the "wanting to be more healthy" line, but the last 15 lbs I lost were pure vanity, I was already a healthy weight, so I just told him it didn't matter if he liked my fluffy belly or not, I was tired of it and it's my body so it was going away and he could help or he could be quiet but getting in the way of my progress was not an option. Now that the 15 lbs is gone he's totally crazy about my body STILL, it really didn't make a bit of difference to him, but I'm happier and that makes a difference to me!

    That is awesome! I've actually thought of just doing what I have to without saying a word to him, as other posters have suggested, but he's a stay at home dad - so we see each other a lot when I'm home. :wink: He sees my food scale, we do the grocery shopping together, we eat our meals together, etc. Ya know?

    Thank you!
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    Hey! I have a question. How do (or would) you deal with an unintentionally unsupportive spouse? My husband is great. Wonderful father, best friend, etc. - you know the gist. But when it comes to my wanting to lose weight, he always tells me that I 'look fine exactly how I am' and he 'loves me just how I am' and then I get the 'if I love your body the way it is, why do you even want to lose weight?'... I'm 5'4" and over 175lbs. I'm WELL overweight- technically obese right now. What's the best way to go about this without hurting his feelings? TIA

    You say, " This weight is damaging to my continued health and happiness. Wanting to be healthy weight is not about how I look or how much you love me but how I feel and function. I'm sure you want the best for me. I am going to do this in a safe and healthy way. " Explain to him how your current weight makes you feel physically and emotionally. Explain that you are you no matter what you weigh. He doesn't have to agree that you need to lose weight or be a cheerleader. He just has to be respectful of your reasonable choice for your own body.
    I am your height and was 179 lbs. I was in pain a lot. I was short of breath often just going up the stairs in my house. I didn't sleep well. I was slow and weak. My legs hurt walking a few blocks. I couldn't keep up with others while walking. I was without energy. I had a lot of trouble buying clothes that fit. I was also not thrilled with my appearance. Mostly I wanted a good quality of life because I deserve to feel good. Losing 20 lbs made a huge difference. I didn't realize how bad I had been feeling until I started to feel better. That is still overweight but so much better.
    I'm aiming for somewhere between 125-145 lbs.

    Good luck to you.
  • AnAbsoluteDiva
    AnAbsoluteDiva Posts: 166 Member
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    Why tell him you're losing weight? Why do you need his approval? Am I missing something here?
  • bexilashious
    bexilashious Posts: 116 Member
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    Mine keeps asking if I want any chocolate or cake
    Then stuffs them in front of me
    I'd be at goal now if it wasn't for him I swear lol
  • cathipa
    cathipa Posts: 2,991 Member
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    He can buy all he wants and ask you to eat more, but unless you are being unhealthy about your weight loss then you have to decide for you about what you eat and drink.
  • losingitandkeepingitoff
    losingitandkeepingitoff Posts: 20 Member
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    bexilashious wrote: »
    Mine keeps asking if I want any chocolate or cake
    Then stuffs them in front of me
    I'd be at goal now if it wasn't for him I swear lol

    Yes. So much yes. This exactly.
  • jmp463
    jmp463 Posts: 266 Member
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    Just start losing - unless he makes you eat when you are full then he is not stopping you. If he makes you feel guilty for losing then that is a different subject.
  • losingitandkeepingitoff
    losingitandkeepingitoff Posts: 20 Member
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    AnAbsoluteDiva wrote: »
    Why tell him you're losing weight? Why do you need his approval? Am I missing something here?

    I don't have to tell him. He's not dumb. He can see the food scale - he can see me weighing/measuring my food - he can tell I'm not eating 'normally' (which got me this way to start with). You know what I mean? It's not about approval at all - its that he knows I'm trying to lose weight and hes either intentionally or unintentionally sabotaging it. Ya know?
  • losingitandkeepingitoff
    losingitandkeepingitoff Posts: 20 Member
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    ninerbuff wrote: »
    So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
    If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
    It's not about "permission".

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    Yes! It's not 'permission' at all - thank you!

    This is the 1,254,345,634th time I've attempted to lose weight (overexaggerated of course), but this is my most successful time also. I was up to 210 in December of 2015 and got to 175 by July/August of 2016. I've been stuck here for a while - up to 180, down as low as 168, but am back at 179 today. Just ready to see myself physically the way I see myself mentally. Ya know?
  • losingitandkeepingitoff
    losingitandkeepingitoff Posts: 20 Member
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    TAMayorga wrote: »
    losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    cathipa wrote: »
    If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.

    When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them).

    One of the big hurdles I had to overcome on my weight-loss journey. "...I won't waste them". I was raised in the clean plate club and used to have a HARD time throwing away perfectly good food. I now have a mantra: my body is not a disposal.

    I was also raised a part of the clean your plate club - I know what you mean! I guess it's high time to start putting my body/my self ahead of $$ wasted or food wasted. :wink:
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,529 Member
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    losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
    If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
    It's not about "permission".

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    Yes! It's not 'permission' at all - thank you!

    This is the 1,254,345,634th time I've attempted to lose weight (overexaggerated of course), but this is my most successful time also. I was up to 210 in December of 2015 and got to 175 by July/August of 2016. I've been stuck here for a while - up to 180, down as low as 168, but am back at 179 today. Just ready to see myself physically the way I see myself mentally. Ya know?
    So have you vented the frustration to him about going back up to 179 after being 168? And if you have, men who love their women don't want to see that hurt. So a common reaction is to say "I love you the way you are". It's the opposite of not being supportive.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • unrelentingminx
    unrelentingminx Posts: 231 Member
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    OP - have you always been this weight since you've been together? I ask because maybe when he says he loves you as you are it's because he did fall in love with you exactly as you are, weight and person the same. If he hasn't known you when you were at any other weight, of course he's going to love you as you are right now.
    Maybe just reassure him that who you are as a person is not related to your weight and that what he loves about you is not going to suddenly change because you dropped some weight.

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