Unintentionally unsupportive spouse?
Replies
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So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
It's not about "permission".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
10 -
Just start losing - unless he makes you eat when you are full then he is not stopping you. If he makes you feel guilty for losing then that is a different subject.
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AnAbsoluteDiva wrote: »Why tell him you're losing weight? Why do you need his approval? Am I missing something here?
I don't have to tell him. He's not dumb. He can see the food scale - he can see me weighing/measuring my food - he can tell I'm not eating 'normally' (which got me this way to start with). You know what I mean? It's not about approval at all - its that he knows I'm trying to lose weight and hes either intentionally or unintentionally sabotaging it. Ya know?2 -
So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
It's not about "permission".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yes! It's not 'permission' at all - thank you!
This is the 1,254,345,634th time I've attempted to lose weight (overexaggerated of course), but this is my most successful time also. I was up to 210 in December of 2015 and got to 175 by July/August of 2016. I've been stuck here for a while - up to 180, down as low as 168, but am back at 179 today. Just ready to see myself physically the way I see myself mentally. Ya know?0 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.
When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them).
One of the big hurdles I had to overcome on my weight-loss journey. "...I won't waste them". I was raised in the clean plate club and used to have a HARD time throwing away perfectly good food. I now have a mantra: my body is not a disposal.6 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.
When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them).
One of the big hurdles I had to overcome on my weight-loss journey. "...I won't waste them". I was raised in the clean plate club and used to have a HARD time throwing away perfectly good food. I now have a mantra: my body is not a disposal.
I was also raised a part of the clean your plate club - I know what you mean! I guess it's high time to start putting my body/my self ahead of $$ wasted or food wasted.
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So have you vented the frustration to him about going back up to 179 after being 168? And if you have, men who love their women don't want to see that hurt. So a common reaction is to say "I love you the way you are". It's the opposite of not being supportive.losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
It's not about "permission".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yes! It's not 'permission' at all - thank you!
This is the 1,254,345,634th time I've attempted to lose weight (overexaggerated of course), but this is my most successful time also. I was up to 210 in December of 2015 and got to 175 by July/August of 2016. I've been stuck here for a while - up to 180, down as low as 168, but am back at 179 today. Just ready to see myself physically the way I see myself mentally. Ya know?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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OP - have you always been this weight since you've been together? I ask because maybe when he says he loves you as you are it's because he did fall in love with you exactly as you are, weight and person the same. If he hasn't known you when you were at any other weight, of course he's going to love you as you are right now.
Maybe just reassure him that who you are as a person is not related to your weight and that what he loves about you is not going to suddenly change because you dropped some weight.0 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.
When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them).
One of the big hurdles I had to overcome on my weight-loss journey. "...I won't waste them". I was raised in the clean plate club and used to have a HARD time throwing away perfectly good food. I now have a mantra: my body is not a disposal.
I was also raised a part of the clean your plate club - I know what you mean! I guess it's high time to start putting my body/my self ahead of $$ wasted or food wasted.
Idea...do you have a food pantry or homeless shelter in your area? If the pop and snacks are pre-packaged, start a box to give to the food pantry. Every time you get something that you don't feel comfortable eating in your weight loss journey, put it in the box. Tell him (or yourself), "these are things I can't eat, but I don't want them to go to waste, so I'm collecting them for people who need it".6 -
I now have a mantra: my body is not a disposal.
Good one! I came to a realisation that I can't actually stop food from being wasted by eating it - it just ends up as surplus fat and has to be burned off, so it's still wasted in the end.
And if someone offers something and you say "no thanks", you are not obliged to eat it if they bring it anyway. That was their call, not yours. If you keep leaving it on the plate he's bound to get the message in the end that you really really actually don't want it.
6 -
So have you vented the frustration to him about going back up to 179 after being 168? And if you have, men who love their women don't want to see that hurt. So a common reaction is to say "I love you the way you are". It's the opposite of not being supportive.losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
It's not about "permission".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yes! It's not 'permission' at all - thank you!
This is the 1,254,345,634th time I've attempted to lose weight (overexaggerated of course), but this is my most successful time also. I was up to 210 in December of 2015 and got to 175 by July/August of 2016. I've been stuck here for a while - up to 180, down as low as 168, but am back at 179 today. Just ready to see myself physically the way I see myself mentally. Ya know?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I have vented about going back up from 168 to 179. Case in point: yesterday I walked into the bathroom with a pair of jeans that SHOULD fit me - they did when I was 170-ish before, and I couldn't pull them up or button them. Venting ensued. I said "I would just like for the clothes I already own to fit me AT LEAST" or something like that.
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unrelentingminx wrote: »OP - have you always been this weight since you've been together? I ask because maybe when he says he loves you as you are it's because he did fall in love with you exactly as you are, weight and person the same. If he hasn't known you when you were at any other weight, of course he's going to love you as you are right now.
Maybe just reassure him that who you are as a person is not related to your weight and that what he loves about you is not going to suddenly change because you dropped some weight.
I was about 155-160 when we met, have had 2 pregnancies with him where my weight has gone up to as high as 240+, and for the last 3-4 years before and after the pregnancy I've hovered around 170-175 or so. He's seen me as low as 150 and as high as 210 (not pregnant).0 -
MotherOfSharpei wrote: »losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.
When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them).
One of the big hurdles I had to overcome on my weight-loss journey. "...I won't waste them". I was raised in the clean plate club and used to have a HARD time throwing away perfectly good food. I now have a mantra: my body is not a disposal.
I was also raised a part of the clean your plate club - I know what you mean! I guess it's high time to start putting my body/my self ahead of $$ wasted or food wasted.
Idea...do you have a food pantry or homeless shelter in your area? If the pop and snacks are pre-packaged, start a box to give to the food pantry. Every time you get something that you don't feel comfortable eating in your weight loss journey, put it in the box. Tell him (or yourself), "these are things I can't eat, but I don't want them to go to waste, so I'm collecting them for people who need it".
Amazing idea!
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CattOfTheGarage wrote: »I now have a mantra: my body is not a disposal.
Good one! I came to a realisation that I can't actually stop food from being wasted by eating it - it just ends up as surplus fat and has to be burned off, so it's still wasted in the end.
And if someone offers something and you say "no thanks", you are not obliged to eat it if they bring it anyway. That was their call, not yours. If you keep leaving it on the plate he's bound to get the message in the end that you really really actually don't want it.
I know. And that is part of MY problem. I have a hard time with 'wasting' things, so I eat and/or drink it if there's no one to pass it off to. 0 -
Is he overweight as well? Could be he eats badly and it is easier if you both do it than if he is the only one stuffing his face. A lot of times when people lose weight family members who aren't get either jealous or just start feeling bad about themselves and they try to sabotage the person who is working to change.
Next time he puts something in front of you that you don't want, just say, "No thanks." If he insists, tell him, "I really don't appreciate you trying to force me to eat something I don't want to eat. If you want it, be my guest. Otherwise, put it away or throw it out."1 -
I'd tell him:
Thank you, I love that you love my body but I don't. I'm unhappy with it and it's not healthy to be this heavy. I love you and our life and I want to be around to grow old together. This extra weight makes that less likely. And if you like my body now, just wait. <wink>3 -
I'm going on 16 years with my husband and I've learned that there are some times when open and honest communication are important and some conversations that just don't need to happen. Not everything is a debate or agree/compromise issue. I'm doubling down on the "you're sweet, thank you" and carrying on as you please. That only works if you don't try to engage him yourself though.3
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Trust me, hearing this time and time again will cause your spouse to react with the more positive "I love you the way you are". Again, they don't want to see frustration and trying to re enforce they love for you isn't a negative thing.losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »
So have you vented the frustration to him about going back up to 179 after being 168? And if you have, men who love their women don't want to see that hurt. So a common reaction is to say "I love you the way you are". It's the opposite of not being supportive.losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
It's not about "permission".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yes! It's not 'permission' at all - thank you!
This is the 1,254,345,634th time I've attempted to lose weight (overexaggerated of course), but this is my most successful time also. I was up to 210 in December of 2015 and got to 175 by July/August of 2016. I've been stuck here for a while - up to 180, down as low as 168, but am back at 179 today. Just ready to see myself physically the way I see myself mentally. Ya know?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I have vented about going back up from 168 to 179. Case in point: yesterday I walked into the bathroom with a pair of jeans that SHOULD fit me - they did when I was 170-ish before, and I couldn't pull them up or button them. Venting ensued. I said "I would just like for the clothes I already own to fit me AT LEAST" or something like that.
So if you're trying to lose weight, maybe try keeping the frustration to yourself (or at least keep it from him) and see how it goes. He'll notice when you do lose and might encourage you more.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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My boyfriend is the same way. I always point out the things that I can't/won't do because of my weight. I always tell him that I love that he loves me no matter what and that i want to be able to travel with him, enjoy hiking with him, take our kids on roller coasters, enjoy being at the beach, etc. That my weight holds me back from enjoying our relationship to the fullest. When I put it that way and when I tell him all the goals and adventures I want to have with him, he starts to see it not as I want to lose weight because I hate myself but that I want to lose the weight because I love our life so much and I see all fun we could be having.0
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I'm not one to believe in doing this for yourself or not needing support.. in *marriage.* I think by nature of marriage, you now operate as a team and as a single unit. You have your own hobbies and ambitions, but you're a team in all those things. This includes support. This also means you do it because you want to be healthy, but also for your spouse. I lean toward approaches that include a sincere conversation to help realign him to be on your side and support you. What that looks like? I'm not sure. Many people have given excellent suggestions to get that conversation started. He doesn't sound like someone that would intentionally resist being supportive in a different way should you help him get there.2
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MelanieCN77 wrote: »losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »CattOfTheGarage wrote: »Give him a hug and then just change the subject? He sounds lovely but you might need to get your weight loss encouragement from elsewhere (eg here).
Thank you! That's actually not a bad idea.
This is the best advice. It's difficult when changing up habits not to be all about it and then we wonder why people in our lives respond the way they do. What's he supposed to say? "Yeah you could do with dropping a few, you're getting kinda wide?" If the conversation gets more about how he feels about your body and that you should attend to those preferences, that's a different thread entirely.
Why not? I expect and accept honesty everywhere in my relationship. If I ask a question I'll expect an honest answer and that's what I get from my spouse.2 -
So I deal with this a lot and have heard both sides. From the SO's of the females, the view is that if there's an attempt and the attempt doesn't go well, they see a much much sadder person. Usually the response is not to try to dissuade you from doing it, it's the way you feel about yourself if you don't reach goal and how you think your SO might feel about you and failing.
If you've tried losing weight before and failed, think about how you felt and how you may have reacted. And it's not uncommon to try to lose weight up to 7 times before actually succeeding, but those 7 times your SO may have had to see you sad and unconfident.
It's not about "permission".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
This is how my man is. He saw how much I hated myself when I was heavier, he sat and held me as I cried. He's a very "gotta fix it" kinda guy, so he feels powerless when he can't help me with my emotions. Now he helps me weigh my food, pick out restaurant meals that meet my goals, and compliments my new figure. He still buys my gummy bears to show his love when he knows I'm having a rough day, but he also supports me rationing them into portions that fit my goals.5 -
MelanieCN77 wrote: »losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »CattOfTheGarage wrote: »Give him a hug and then just change the subject? He sounds lovely but you might need to get your weight loss encouragement from elsewhere (eg here).
Thank you! That's actually not a bad idea.
This is the best advice. It's difficult when changing up habits not to be all about it and then we wonder why people in our lives respond the way they do. What's he supposed to say? "Yeah you could do with dropping a few, you're getting kinda wide?" If the conversation gets more about how he feels about your body and that you should attend to those preferences, that's a different thread entirely.
Why not? I expect and accept honesty everywhere in my relationship. If I ask a question I'll expect an honest answer and that's what I get from my spouse.
Well firstly we aren't talking about your marriage. Secondly, based on OP's comments, her husband IS being honest with her. Your interactions are not like theirs. Thirdly, there's always room for tact without compromising honesty in the slightest.
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Honestly, you'd be at goal right now if it wasn't for you. He may put the food in front of you, but he's not forcing you to eat it. You could say "no thanks, I'm full" or take just a bite and leave the rest. You could plan for the treat and save some calories at the end of the day. Or toss it if it's a temptation. Your health is worth more than a piece of cake, pie or anything else.
You have control over what you eat. Would it be easier if you didn't have to deal with temptation or trigger foods? Absolutely! I don't think any of us has the luxury of never having to exert discipline or make a hard food choice.5 -
losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »If you want to lose weight then lose weight. Are you looking for his permission? Doesn't sound like he is being unsupportive.
I'm working hard to lose weight. I was at 210 in December of 2015, and have kind of stalled since July 2016. When I say I don't want something, he pushes and pushes until I eat it. He purposely buys me pop and snacks knowing I don't 'want' them (and also knowing I won't waste them). He's not a bad guy and I don't think he's intentionally doing anything (hence the title), I just feel like he doesn't want me to lose weight and is doing what he can to stop the loss or slow it down. Ya know?
You can let them go to waste. You are not a human garbage disposal, obligated to eat everything before it goes stale/bad. Especially if you don't want to. You deserve to treat yourself better.
Maybe if he sees you're not eating them, he'll stop buying them. But while you're eating the treats, he may feel you're affirming his buying them, so he keeps buying them and you keep eating them ...3 -
The other thing I'm thinking about is why he buys you the treats. Could he be associating them with something you used to do together (quality time)? Or is that just the way he expresses his love--buying you special treats (gifts). If this is the case, you can always redirect him and still do those things sans treats or create a new tradition (again, sans treats). If it's the gifts, find some other thing he can buy for you instead (jewelry, always go for jewelry). Just kidding--maybe plants or flowers? Massage? Mani/pedi?2
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Thanks everyone! I've read each and every comment here and I believe I'm going to try and just do my thing and say 'thank you' when he compliments me "as I am" and see where it goes. I appreciate all of the advice and input!
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I don't discuss my training or diet with colleagues/friends/familys/gf unless they specifically ask. Most people have an opinion which is normally not helpful or wrong. If you are motivated to do it, then do it! Good luck on your journey.2
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losingitandkeepingitoff wrote: »Thanks everyone! I've read each and every comment here and I believe I'm going to try and just do my thing and say 'thank you' when he compliments me "as I am" and see where it goes. I appreciate all of the advice and input!
Okay, but when he eats Doritos and ice cream in front of you and you find that upsetting, make sure you make another thread for that.
Doritos and ice cream? That doesn't sound like a good combo.0 -
trigden1991 wrote: »I don't discuss my training or diet with colleagues/friends/familys/gf unless they specifically ask. Most people have an opinion which is normally not helpful or wrong. If you are motivated to do it, then do it! Good luck on your journey.
I had to tell my wife I'm doing this my way. She kept telling me every thing that came into her FB feed. Yeah it caused some tension, but I am going to eat my baby carrots and ignore anything Taube related. I can be smug about it now because she is happy I've lost the weight.0
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