I've come here in an attempt to finish this battle that I've been waging for many years. I've had disordered thoughts for about as long as I can remember (I was "sucking in" since I was seven--girls catch on to the "skinny trend" at a young age), and my insecurities finally caught up with within the past couple of months wherein I developed an eating disorder. I've been compulsively counting calories, deliberately eating below my BMR, and striving to be underweight.
I'm here because I'm looking for advice on a healthier approach to treating my body and eliminating my insecurities. I want to nip this disorder in the butt before I pass the point of no return. I know that logically, my poor habits have equally as poor consequences--my metabolism may very well have crashed already, I have little energy to expend anymore, my heart palpitates, and my head gets foggy. Food and calories give me unbearable anxiety.
So long story short, I want to work at this dilemma by upping my caloric intake so that I can tone at the gym and be healthily thin, rather than cannibalizing my own muscle. The problem is, I'm quixotically phobic of gaining weight and I was hoping that somebody could give me advice or point me in the right direction.
At the moment, I'm 5'5" and I weigh around 110 lbs. My goal weight thus far has been 105 lbs., but I'm nervous about the consequences. If anybody can help, I'd appreciate it.