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Struggling with Anorexia

jamocha101jamocha101 Member Posts: 20 Member Member Posts: 20 Member

I've come here in an attempt to finish this battle that I've been waging for many years. I've had disordered thoughts for about as long as I can remember (I was "sucking in" since I was seven--girls catch on to the "skinny trend" at a young age), and my insecurities finally caught up with within the past couple of months wherein I developed an eating disorder. I've been compulsively counting calories, deliberately eating below my BMR, and striving to be underweight.

I'm here because I'm looking for advice on a healthier approach to treating my body and eliminating my insecurities. I want to nip this disorder in the butt before I pass the point of no return. I know that logically, my poor habits have equally as poor consequences--my metabolism may very well have crashed already, I have little energy to expend anymore, my heart palpitates, and my head gets foggy. Food and calories give me unbearable anxiety.

So long story short, I want to work at this dilemma by upping my caloric intake so that I can tone at the gym and be healthily thin, rather than cannibalizing my own muscle. The problem is, I'm quixotically phobic of gaining weight and I was hoping that somebody could give me advice or point me in the right direction.

At the moment, I'm 5'5" and I weigh around 110 lbs. My goal weight thus far has been 105 lbs., but I'm nervous about the consequences. If anybody can help, I'd appreciate it.


  • jamocha101jamocha101 Member Posts: 20 Member Member Posts: 20 Member
    Do you have a treatment team?

    No. Only one person knows. I've been keeping it a secret.
    jgnatca wrote: »
    So good you recognize this danger. The help you need is beyond the capacity of any discussion board. The admins are pretty good at pointing out some good resources.

    Have you told your doctor?

    I haven't been to the doctor since losing weight due to the disorder.

    edited January 2017
  • CharlieBeansmomTraceyCharlieBeansmomTracey Member Posts: 7,702 Member Member Posts: 7,702 Member
    I agree you need to see a Dr first and foremost. you should not be keeping it a daughter had a friend who kept hers a secret,especially from her mom(and all her friends) and she just dropped dead one day,her heart stopped.she was 18 years old.see someone NOW before something awful happens. dont think it cant happen to you.Not trying to scare you its reality.
  • LesleyEcksmannLesleyEcksmann Member Posts: 14 Member Member Posts: 14 Member
    Good on you for putting this out there... get help from a professional, but keep coming here for the support and motivation to keep you honest with yourself. I think you realise where you are at and everybody here will want the best for you and that means a little extra than we can give... but we can also give something that you can't always get from a doc... hang with us and let us help motivate you to achieve those healthy goals. Being honest and accountable is crucial though. xxx

    perhaps you should measure rather than weigh?
    edited January 2017
  • kgirlhartkgirlhart Member Posts: 4,205 Member Member Posts: 4,205 Member
    Your post here is a good first step. You do need to see a doctor though. They will be able to give you the help you need. This is a great place for support, but real help will come from a professional. Good luck to you!
  • ShanBanKrupShanBanKrup Member Posts: 55 Member Member Posts: 55 Member
    Hey girl. I feel u. I added you if u wanna talk about it further than on here. I actually am at a low weight right now and want to maybe consider gaining but I too get scared about gaining too much and want to remain in control. I know I went to a website that show you based on your weight and height how many calories to eat in order to maintain your weight and even lose weight so maybe try that to give you an idea. I think it was

    A general rule of thumb I think would be to aim for 1400 -1500 to maintain. I would consider the other advice on here and just gradually add more cals to your daily amount. Find foods u feel safe eating and just eat more of those. If certain foods trigger binges just don't eat them. But yea I definitely think meeting with a nutritionist and a eating disorder therapist would be great for u. I understand it's not always easy to do that so definitely use this as a tool too. Congrats on being brave girl and knowing u don't want to die. And take good care of yourself. That's pretty incredible and few ppl in the clutches of annorexia ever want to stop.
    Anyways hope I was helpful and many hugs

  • wndladywndlady Member Posts: 70 Member Member Posts: 70 Member
    First of all, you are beautiful and worthy just as you are.
    Second, if you recognize that you have a problem, then you have made the first step. I pray that you get the help you need and realize that you don't have to be in control to be happy.
  • KeepRunningFatboyKeepRunningFatboy Member, Premium Posts: 3,055 Member Member, Premium Posts: 3,055 Member
    Please seek professional assistance. Eating Disorders can be beaten or at least managed. The resources have improved greatly since I first battled in the early to mid 80's.
  • deblouregdebloureg Member Posts: 3 Member Member Posts: 3 Member
    Hello. I have a long-term eating disorder - alternate with periods of bingeing (gain weight) and anorexic behavior (lose weight). It was just as hard to force myself to eat enough when i was in the 'control' phase as it was to stop the destructive behavior in the 'out of control' phase. I will struggle with this all my life. The thing that helped me the most was therapy. I have been to many different therapists until I found one that 'got it'. She helped me understand my 'disordered' thinking. I found out at the end that she was an anorexic too. Did this therapy cure me? Nope. But it did help temper my extreme thoughts about food and its impact on me. In some ways, it reduced the 'power' food has over me.
  • MisterHollisMisterHollis Member Posts: 21 Member Member Posts: 21 Member
    A quick google of "eating disorder support group" can be helpful. First off, please know that *most* people have some sort of [mental/emotional/physical] disorder. The healing process includes conscious acknowledgement (which I think you have), learning and embracing healthy coping strategies, and surrounding yourself with support systems.

    Some professional (medical doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.) should be involved for coaching/monitoring. But I cannot overstate the value of having the opportunity to discuss things with someone who has "been there, done that". Very rarely can someone truly understand and empathize without having some shared experience.

    Personally, I would think that totally getting away from the scale could be helpful. Focus on eating/exercise in a way that you feel confident and strong. Maybe substituting a less-healthy focus (weight) with one that is more healthy (like taking time and care to prepare nutritious meals, which can give you the psychological permission to eat more substantially).

    Post-it notes containing positive affirmations can also be helpful. It will sound a bit cliche and fake, but sometimes our subconscious needs a message repeated directly before it can embrace it as true.

    In any case, I advise that you make a contact. Today. Commit to it, and do it.
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