Struggling with Anorexia
jamocha101
Posts: 20 Member
Hello,
I've come here in an attempt to finish this battle that I've been waging for many years. I've had disordered thoughts for about as long as I can remember (I was "sucking in" since I was seven--girls catch on to the "skinny trend" at a young age), and my insecurities finally caught up with within the past couple of months wherein I developed an eating disorder. I've been compulsively counting calories, deliberately eating below my BMR, and striving to be underweight.
I'm here because I'm looking for advice on a healthier approach to treating my body and eliminating my insecurities. I want to nip this disorder in the butt before I pass the point of no return. I know that logically, my poor habits have equally as poor consequences--my metabolism may very well have crashed already, I have little energy to expend anymore, my heart palpitates, and my head gets foggy. Food and calories give me unbearable anxiety.
So long story short, I want to work at this dilemma by upping my caloric intake so that I can tone at the gym and be healthily thin, rather than cannibalizing my own muscle. The problem is, I'm quixotically phobic of gaining weight and I was hoping that somebody could give me advice or point me in the right direction.
At the moment, I'm 5'5" and I weigh around 110 lbs. My goal weight thus far has been 105 lbs., but I'm nervous about the consequences. If anybody can help, I'd appreciate it.
I've come here in an attempt to finish this battle that I've been waging for many years. I've had disordered thoughts for about as long as I can remember (I was "sucking in" since I was seven--girls catch on to the "skinny trend" at a young age), and my insecurities finally caught up with within the past couple of months wherein I developed an eating disorder. I've been compulsively counting calories, deliberately eating below my BMR, and striving to be underweight.
I'm here because I'm looking for advice on a healthier approach to treating my body and eliminating my insecurities. I want to nip this disorder in the butt before I pass the point of no return. I know that logically, my poor habits have equally as poor consequences--my metabolism may very well have crashed already, I have little energy to expend anymore, my heart palpitates, and my head gets foggy. Food and calories give me unbearable anxiety.
So long story short, I want to work at this dilemma by upping my caloric intake so that I can tone at the gym and be healthily thin, rather than cannibalizing my own muscle. The problem is, I'm quixotically phobic of gaining weight and I was hoping that somebody could give me advice or point me in the right direction.
At the moment, I'm 5'5" and I weigh around 110 lbs. My goal weight thus far has been 105 lbs., but I'm nervous about the consequences. If anybody can help, I'd appreciate it.
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Replies
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Do you have a treatment team?21
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So good you recognize this danger. The help you need is beyond the capacity of any discussion board. The admins are pretty good at pointing out some good resources.
Have you told your doctor?12 -
TavistockToad wrote: »Do you have a treatment team?
No. Only one person knows. I've been keeping it a secret.So good you recognize this danger. The help you need is beyond the capacity of any discussion board. The admins are pretty good at pointing out some good resources.
Have you told your doctor?
I haven't been to the doctor since losing weight due to the disorder.
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jamocha101 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Do you have a treatment team?
No. Only one person knows. I've been keeping it a secret.So good you recognize this danger. The help you need is beyond the capacity of any discussion board. The admins are pretty good at pointing out some good resources.
Have you told your doctor?
I haven't been to the doctor since losing weight due to the disorder.
Please see a doctor. You need more support than MFP can give.33 -
This is life threatening and affects not only your muscles, but your thoughts and ability to make good decisions due to lack of nutrition. That feeds the anxiety cycle you're in.
Please see someone tomorrow. If you are in college or high school, start with the school nurse or counselor.13 -
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TavistockToad wrote: »jamocha101 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Do you have a treatment team?
No. Only one person knows. I've been keeping it a secret.So good you recognize this danger. The help you need is beyond the capacity of any discussion board. The admins are pretty good at pointing out some good resources.
Have you told your doctor?
I haven't been to the doctor since losing weight due to the disorder.
Please see a doctor. You need more support than MFP can give.
^^this. Go to your doctor so that you can get a referral to a Eating Disorder clinic. Hopefully where you live even has one to access. Eating Disorders are secretive and are a mental disorder.
I am SO glad you have the will to want to get better.
Don't let it go...you've already experienced muscle atrophy and you certainly don't want to start losing your hair - bone health - period...which you might already have.
You don't have to live this nightmare.
Hugs
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I agree you need to see a Dr first and foremost. you should not be keeping it a secret.my daughter had a friend who kept hers a secret,especially from her mom(and all her friends) and she just dropped dead one day,her heart stopped.she was 18 years old.see someone NOW before something awful happens. dont think it cant happen to you.Not trying to scare you its reality.4
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Recognizing your problem before becoming underweight is a great accomplishment, don't minimize that. It's good that you are reaching out.
Tell your doctor and get help. For me it was just a dawning recognition that my body was a good body and I should take care of it, but what gets one person there isn't the same thing that helps another.
Wanted to add - 105 at 5'5" isn't as big a problem as the anxiety. If it was really going to be some magic number that made you happy, then it would be healthy enough but truthfully there is no way that 5lb is going to make a big difference in your looks or the way you feel. If you are so scared at 110, it's not going to go away when you hit 105.
I DID actually have a phobia of going over 100 (I'm 5'9" so that's not near enough) and oddly, it was accidentally hitting 130 after a period of having enough to eat and no scale...130, a weight i would have considered so FAT, looking in the mirror and thinking "I look good" then getting on the scale and crying - the dissonance between those is part of what got me healthy. I realized that I felt good, and looked good - I didn't see any more fat than when i was skinny - I did drop back down a lot from there for awhile but the crazy 3 digit phobia went away.9 -
Good on you for putting this out there... get help from a professional, but keep coming here for the support and motivation to keep you honest with yourself. I think you realise where you are at and everybody here will want the best for you and that means a little extra than we can give... but we can also give something that you can't always get from a doc... hang with us and let us help motivate you to achieve those healthy goals. Being honest and accountable is crucial though. xxx
perhaps you should measure rather than weigh?2 -
Your post here is a good first step. You do need to see a doctor though. They will be able to give you the help you need. This is a great place for support, but real help will come from a professional. Good luck to you!0
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Hi jamocha101
What a beautiful brave special soul you are. Thank you for sharing your story as I am certain there are many more in a similar situation who will benefit from it. I encourage you to seek the support of a good female therapist to figure out the root cause of your concerns. Once you know what that is, you can be supported through your changes to health. I know you can do it! This is the first step...so proud of you!9 -
So glad to see you taking steps to change. The only problem is that body dysmorphia and phobia of gaining weight is a serious psychological issue. If you really want the best chance at success, I recommend you talk to a mental health professional, who can help you overcome the psychological aspect, while continuing your steps in the right direction. You can do this, and I absolutely wish you all the best.5
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Hey girl. I feel u. I added you if u wanna talk about it further than on here. I actually am at a low weight right now and want to maybe consider gaining but I too get scared about gaining too much and want to remain in control. I know I went to a website that show you based on your weight and height how many calories to eat in order to maintain your weight and even lose weight so maybe try that to give you an idea. I think it was freedieting.com
A general rule of thumb I think would be to aim for 1400 -1500 to maintain. I would consider the other advice on here and just gradually add more cals to your daily amount. Find foods u feel safe eating and just eat more of those. If certain foods trigger binges just don't eat them. But yea I definitely think meeting with a nutritionist and a eating disorder therapist would be great for u. I understand it's not always easy to do that so definitely use this as a tool too. Congrats on being brave girl and knowing u don't want to die. And take good care of yourself. That's pretty incredible and few ppl in the clutches of annorexia ever want to stop.
Anyways hope I was helpful and many hugs
Shannon3 -
First of all, you are beautiful and worthy just as you are.
Second, if you recognize that you have a problem, then you have made the first step. I pray that you get the help you need and realize that you don't have to be in control to be happy.1 -
Please seek professional assistance. Eating Disorders can be beaten or at least managed. The resources have improved greatly since I first battled in the early to mid 80's.1
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ShanBanKrup wrote: »Hey girl. I feel u. I added you if u wanna talk about it further than on here. I actually am at a low weight right now and want to maybe consider gaining but I too get scared about gaining too much and want to remain in control. I know I went to a website that show you based on your weight and height how many calories to eat in order to maintain your weight and even lose weight so maybe try that to give you an idea. I think it was freedieting.com
A general rule of thumb I think would be to aim for 1400 -1500 to maintain. I would consider the other advice on here and just gradually add more cals to your daily amount. Find foods u feel safe eating and just eat more of those. If certain foods trigger binges just don't eat them. But yea I definitely think meeting with a nutritionist and a eating disorder therapist would be great for u. I understand it's not always easy to do that so definitely use this as a tool too. Congrats on being brave girl and knowing u don't want to die. And take good care of yourself. That's pretty incredible and few ppl in the clutches of annorexia ever want to stop.
Anyways hope I was helpful and many hugs
Shannon
I really hope that calorie goal is a typo... that few calories is VERY unlikely to be maintenance. Plus OP needs to gain weight not just maintain.
It's very irresponsible to suggest a calorie goal like that.10 -
Hello. I have a long-term eating disorder - alternate with periods of bingeing (gain weight) and anorexic behavior (lose weight). It was just as hard to force myself to eat enough when i was in the 'control' phase as it was to stop the destructive behavior in the 'out of control' phase. I will struggle with this all my life. The thing that helped me the most was therapy. I have been to many different therapists until I found one that 'got it'. She helped me understand my 'disordered' thinking. I found out at the end that she was an anorexic too. Did this therapy cure me? Nope. But it did help temper my extreme thoughts about food and its impact on me. In some ways, it reduced the 'power' food has over me.2
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I truly appreciate all the support and encouragement; after keeping quiet about something so emotionally and physically taxing, it feels refreshing to reach out to others. You are all so kind, I think it's incredible.
So far I'm still struggling with food and calorie-related anxiety, and unfortunately I've lost a few more pounds, but I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor who I'm hoping can help. In the meantime, I'm looking into healthy approaches to solving this problem. I hope to recomp. eventually and return to normal eating/exercising habits.
Thank you all again so very much.18 -
A quick google of "eating disorder support group" can be helpful. First off, please know that *most* people have some sort of [mental/emotional/physical] disorder. The healing process includes conscious acknowledgement (which I think you have), learning and embracing healthy coping strategies, and surrounding yourself with support systems.
Some professional (medical doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.) should be involved for coaching/monitoring. But I cannot overstate the value of having the opportunity to discuss things with someone who has "been there, done that". Very rarely can someone truly understand and empathize without having some shared experience.
Personally, I would think that totally getting away from the scale could be helpful. Focus on eating/exercise in a way that you feel confident and strong. Maybe substituting a less-healthy focus (weight) with one that is more healthy (like taking time and care to prepare nutritious meals, which can give you the psychological permission to eat more substantially).
Post-it notes containing positive affirmations can also be helpful. It will sound a bit cliche and fake, but sometimes our subconscious needs a message repeated directly before it can embrace it as true.
In any case, I advise that you make a contact. Today. Commit to it, and do it.2 -
Glad you see the issue and are seeing a counselor. Eating disorders come in many forms, our relationship with food is very dysfunctional when you think about it. I like to boil it down to this: what is the purpose of eating food? It is very simple, but think about it every time you eat. The purpose of eating food is to fuel your body, like a car needs gas. Maybe if you think about it in such simple terms, it will remove some of the anxiety. If I were your mother, I would say you should approach it this way. Throw away the scale for the time being since it is causing you anxiety, eat 3 healthy meals per day, that your body needs for fuel. Relax. And get some support around you.2
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My wife was 5'5" 117 when I married her (age 24) and I thought she was really thin then. I think her optimal weight would have been about 125 then. She weighs about 140 right now and I think she looks great (she is 52)! I really think a good weight for you would be more like 120 instead of 105.
Please don't let your weight be the determiner of your self esteem. That is just one facet of our lives. Don't let that obsess with you. Do seek help from professionals and good luck!2 -
Thanks again for all the advice and compassion. A small update, in case anybody would like to know what's been going on:
I visited a nurse practitioner on my college campus and she found that my pulse was dangerously low. They drew blood and found that my electrolyte levels were alright, but my blood pressure and heart were suffering. She monitored my heart rate a few days later, and it had gotten down to forty-four at rest and was beating irregularly, which she said was "critical" and my safety was at a serious risk.
The medical and counseling team coerced me to call my mother so that I could go home on medical leave and get help from a better-equipped facility. Currently I am home and have come clean to my mother about the disorder, and we're scheduling doctor appointments and working out solutions. Right now my weight is around 105, and the plan is to work on bettering my nutrition and heart rate. Luckily we caught the problem before the danger was even more imminent.
Psychologically, this is a huge struggle. I am still obsessed with calories and being thinner, but I'm willing to work with my mother and with doctors to help my heart get better. Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words, every bit of solidarity helped me more than any of you could know.41 -
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I am so happy that you had the insight to go to see your school's nurse! Now you have some help/supports that will get you there!
You have done the RIGHT THING girl! This could have taken a turn for the very worse.
Your family/friends love and need you! You need you 'back'.
Life will get better...it's not easy, but take this time for YOU. It's your life we're talking about!!! School and 'whatever' can just wait. It'll always be there. If you didn't act on it like you did, life would most likely be taken away.
Hugs and good luck with your continued journey:)1 -
Glad you are getting help. Remember the most beautiful part of a person is what is inside of them!1
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Great news.
Good luck and best wishes for your recovery1 -
I am so glad that you are getting the help you need. I wish you all the best in your recovery!1
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I am so happy to hear that you visited the nurse practitioner and caught those symptoms before something terrible happened! I, myself, have been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and have struggled with it for the last 4 years. I see a therapist weekly and I have a treatment team that specializes in eating disorders, and they have helped wonders. I still struggle, of course, but I am so glad to hear that you are getting help for your disorder. I am sending you a friend request so we can keep in touch and you can talk to me anytime you have any questions or anything. Hugs!!4
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I've suffered with disordered eating and body dismorphia for at least 30 years. I'm 5'6" I've weighed as little as 115, and as much as 180. When I was at my lowest weight I developed severe galbladder issues, and my tooth enamel started to deteriorate. I also have a sister who was severely anorexic and dropped to 80lbs before getting better. A treatment plan is your best option because eating disorders are more of a problem with anxiety and needing control, and not as much about food. Reaching out to this group was a great first step! If you get the right medical help you can over come this. I have a healthier relationship with food and body image, and my sister fully recovered with no relapses. You CAN do this! *HUGS*7
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