Furious! Off topic...just need to vent somewhere
Replies
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kschwab0203 wrote: »So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.
We just got engaged on Christmas. He has always been harder on my son than with my girls. When I've brought it to his attention, his response is that he is just trying to teach him right from wrong and how to be a man, nit let him get away with murder like his father does.
You said that "My son is a straight A student, he never gets in trouble at home or at school, he is very disciplined and is excellent at football and other sports. He is well mannered and one of the sweetest most gentle souls I have ever met."
Your son seems to know right from wrong and is not "getting away with murder" no matter what his biological father or stepfather does. This excuse of teaching him to be a man does not fly as you know the reality of your son's behaviour.
Your fiance has some jealousy or some baggage from his upbringing or dislikes your child. It may be that because your son clearly loves his *kitten* father (more than him) your fiance (who thinks he is this great guy) is harder on him to punish him for loving someone *kitten*. It is an issue he needs to recognize as wrong and work to change.
If he doesn't see his behavior as wrong then he needs to go.
The bold is exactly what I thought when I read it.
Speaking from experience and a blended family, this is real.
Eta: I am gonna throw this in here...Even when you are married there are discipline boundaries the non biological parent needs to abide by. Your fiance may be able to work through everything just fine with time, but the child or all your children if effected negatively, may resent him and/or you down the line.
Its a tough battle, it takes loads of time, kids grow up fast and they are absorbing everything at rapid speed. Seriously instead of being furious, try to take a step back and make a plan to address this sooner than later.
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Sweetheart, get the hell out of the relationship!!!
I have been married for 34 years to the same man.
For this man you are Going To Marry doing this kind of behavior, is a warning sign of BAD THINGS TO COME.
He treats his son differently than yours. Not good. A true man would treat all the kids the same his or his future step children.
You sound like a fantastic mom by making sure you son stays focused on school, sports and using good judgement to stay out of trouble. Your children come first until they leave the nest.
If your finance is jealous over your son and his relationship with his dad, that should have told you long ago that something was out of place.
For your own safety and that of your children, have him and his son move out now. If that is not the case, find a new home for you and your kids and move out now before something happens to you or your kids. Your fiance is going to lose his boundaries and hurt someone.3 -
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JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Please understand, the man loves his own son and despises the son of another man. It's a biological tendency.
It's also a component of much woe in blended families.
I d hope you're not desperate enough for marriage to walk into that hell.
Maybe I am just lucky. My kids step dad loves them and they love him. Granted he doesn't and likely never will have any kids of his own, but still. And it probably helps a little that they live with me, so he and my ex still get a lot of alone time. But still, if they ever divorce and he wants to stay a part of their life I will make sure it happens. How a person is with your kids should be the FIRST thing a parent considers in a relationship.
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kschwab0203 wrote: »JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Please understand, the man loves his own son and despises the son of another man. It's a biological tendency.
It's also a component of much woe in blended families.
I d hope you're not desperate enough for marriage to walk into that hell.
I left one bad marriage after 15 years, I most certainly WILL NOT get myself involved in another.
From the perspective of your children it makes no difference to them whether you're married to him or not. You moved the man into your home and now the children have to live with him. Can't you see that?
I see that 100%, if I didn't then this situation would not be upsetting to me. I am by no mean telling my children "oh well, deal with it" nor am I passive about it. If I feel that he has said or done something out of line to children, I have zero problem standing up for my children. By no means am I some a push over.0 -
Two pieces of advice; 1. your son comes first. 2. Biology or not, this relationship has trouble written all over it. One piece of caveat: I am not a therapist and don't know the other two sides of the issue. No-one here does. Seek knowledgeable counsel in this regard. Best of luck1
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kschwab0203 wrote: »So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.
We just got engaged on Christmas. He has always been harder on my son than with my girls. When I've brought it to his attention, his response is that he is just trying to teach him right from wrong and how to be a man, nit let him get away with murder like his father does.
You said that "My son is a straight A student, he never gets in trouble at home or at school, he is very disciplined and is excellent at football and other sports. He is well mannered and one of the sweetest most gentle souls I have ever met."
Your son seems to know right from wrong and is not "getting away with murder" no matter what his biological father or stepfather does. This excuse of teaching him to be a man does not fly as you know the reality of your son's behaviour.
Your fiance has some jealousy or some baggage from his upbringing or dislikes your child. It may be that because your son clearly loves his *kitten* father (more than him) your fiance (who thinks he is this great guy) is harder on him to punish him for loving someone *kitten*. It is an issue he needs to recognize as wrong and work to change.
If he doesn't see his behavior as wrong then he needs to go.
The bold is exactly what I thought when I read it.
Speaking from experience and a blended family, this is real.
Eta: I am gonna throw this in here...Even when you are married there are discipline boundaries the non biological parent needs to abide by. Your fiance may be able to work through everything just fine with time, but the child or all your children if effected negatively, may resent him and/or you down the line.
Its a tough battle, it takes loads of time, kids grow up fast and they are absorbing everything at rapid speed. Seriously instead of being furious, try to take a step back and make a plan to address this sooner than later.
I feel like this is the issue. If this were his kid it would be totally different. I feel he resents my son because he spends a lot of time with him and all the over compensating he tries to do because his father is not there and then my son glorifies his POS father. I think he feels like it is a slap in the face. Either way, this is not ok. My child is 8, he does not need to nor is he really capable of understanding at this time how much of a POS his father really is. I keep telling him that one day as my son grows older, he will realize what his father really is and his perspective will change.2 -
Your son is 8, FFS. He is still growing and processing the dynamics between his bio-dad and your boyfriend/fiancé.
Your boyfriend doesn't seem to "get" that. Srsly - give him the boot. Tell him he needs to get his crap and GTFO. Period. This will NOT get better.
Someone suggested counseling. Do you really want to go to counseling with someone who doesn't understand that your son is freaking 8 years old? This would be a total deal breaker for me.
Good luck.kschwab0203 wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.
We just got engaged on Christmas. He has always been harder on my son than with my girls. When I've brought it to his attention, his response is that he is just trying to teach him right from wrong and how to be a man, nit let him get away with murder like his father does.
You said that "My son is a straight A student, he never gets in trouble at home or at school, he is very disciplined and is excellent at football and other sports. He is well mannered and one of the sweetest most gentle souls I have ever met."
Your son seems to know right from wrong and is not "getting away with murder" no matter what his biological father or stepfather does. This excuse of teaching him to be a man does not fly as you know the reality of your son's behaviour.
Your fiance has some jealousy or some baggage from his upbringing or dislikes your child. It may be that because your son clearly loves his *kitten* father (more than him) your fiance (who thinks he is this great guy) is harder on him to punish him for loving someone *kitten*. It is an issue he needs to recognize as wrong and work to change.
If he doesn't see his behavior as wrong then he needs to go.
The bold is exactly what I thought when I read it.
Speaking from experience and a blended family, this is real.
Eta: I am gonna throw this in here...Even when you are married there are discipline boundaries the non biological parent needs to abide by. Your fiance may be able to work through everything just fine with time, but the child or all your children if effected negatively, may resent him and/or you down the line.
Its a tough battle, it takes loads of time, kids grow up fast and they are absorbing everything at rapid speed. Seriously instead of being furious, try to take a step back and make a plan to address this sooner than later.
I feel like this is the issue. If this were his kid it would be totally different. I feel he resents my son because he spends a lot of time with him and all the over compensating he tries to do because his father is not there and then my son glorifies his POS father. I think he feels like it is a slap in the face. Either way, this is not ok. My child is 8, he does not need to nor is he really capable of understanding at this time how much of a POS his father really is. I keep telling him that one day as my son grows older, he will realize what his father really is and his perspective will change.
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kschwab0203 wrote: »My child is 8, he does not need to nor is he really capable of understanding at this time how much of a POS his father really is. I keep telling him that one day as my son grows older, he will realize what his father really is and his perspective will change.
Maybe or maybe not. A bond between a child and their biological parent is different than the bond between a child and a step-parent. Your son's biological dad may get his act together at some point or they may reconcile their relationship later in life either way it isn't going to make your son feel warm and fuzzy about your fiancé even if he does realize at some point his dad isn't the greatest dad in the world.
It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.2 -
Classic passive agressive liar that also has self loathing problems .
Only a total passive agressive loser would hide something and pretend not to know where it it . Thats non pyhsical abuse .
It's like for example a women takes the TV remote out shopping in her hand bag while at the same time the husband is tearing the house apart looking for it . Only the weakest most pathetic minds think that way .
Kick that clown to the curb because it will not get better with passive agressive people . They are a total pain in the *kitten* to live with .
You deserve better and so do your kids . Life is too short to put up with self loathing losers that project their jealousy , envy , lack of self esteem onto you and your kids .1 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »My child is 8, he does not need to nor is he really capable of understanding at this time how much of a POS his father really is. I keep telling him that one day as my son grows older, he will realize what his father really is and his perspective will change.
Maybe or maybe not. A bond between a child and their biological parent is different than the bond between a child and a step-parent. Your son's biological dad may get his act together at some point or they may reconcile their relationship later in life either way it isn't going to make your son feel warm and fuzzy about your fiancé even if he does realize at some point his dad isn't the greatest dad in the world.
It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
Great point...I really had not looked at it that way. This is why we post...to consider others thoughts and possibly gain perspective on our own situation. Thank you!0 -
My 38 year old ex, treated my son (who is now 6) pretty *kitten*, got worse with time... needless to say we are no longer together, even though her and I have another child together. When the adult acts more like a child than the child does there isn't much you can do, except leave.
Her issues seemed to be about his mother, and my style of discipline. Though she has a dog that she let do anything, and refused to train it properly0 -
This.It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
OP: I really can't see your fiance's behavior changing anytime soon, since in order to change it he'd first have to admit it.
Based on what you've told us, I honestly feel you should re-think your future with this man.
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It sounds like this guy is no better or different than the child's own father. He seems to be an overgrown child who isn't getting his way because your son isn't responding to him the way he does toward his actual father (regardless of the reasons). Your son is 8 and doesn't have the capability to understand what is happening, not that I am bashing your child - just that the innocence of a child can be a blessing sometimes, and your fiancé is just a total douche. Get rid of him for you and your children's sake.3
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Sounds like you are lucky to have seen the real side of him. Run...do not walk away!
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snickerscharlie wrote: »
This.It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
OP: I really can't see your fiance's behavior changing anytime soon, since in order to change it he'd first have to admit it.
Based on what you've told us, I honestly feel you should re-think your future with this man.
I have...I told him that everything is on hold indefinitely.0 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
This.It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
OP: I really can't see your fiance's behavior changing anytime soon, since in order to change it he'd first have to admit it.
Based on what you've told us, I honestly feel you should re-think your future with this man.
I have...I told him that everything is on hold indefinitely.
Would he be at all open to counselling?0 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
This.It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
OP: I really can't see your fiance's behavior changing anytime soon, since in order to change it he'd first have to admit it.
Based on what you've told us, I honestly feel you should re-think your future with this man.
I have...I told him that everything is on hold indefinitely.
Would he be at all open to counselling?
Honestly, I'm not sure I am open to counseling. I have been through enough BS with my first marriage that I feel like if we are in this place right now before marriage and before the going can get really tough then I'm not quite sure it worth my time.12 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
This.It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
OP: I really can't see your fiance's behavior changing anytime soon, since in order to change it he'd first have to admit it.
Based on what you've told us, I honestly feel you should re-think your future with this man.
I have...I told him that everything is on hold indefinitely.
Would he be at all open to counselling?
I went to counseling with my about the relationship with my son, and she got pissed and wouldn't go back as the counsellor didn't agree with her.0 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
This.It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
OP: I really can't see your fiance's behavior changing anytime soon, since in order to change it he'd first have to admit it.
Based on what you've told us, I honestly feel you should re-think your future with this man.
I have...I told him that everything is on hold indefinitely.
Would he be at all open to counselling?
I went to counseling with my about the relationship with my son, and she got pissed and wouldn't go back as the counsellor didn't agree with her.
You got outta dodge . People put themselves through way too much unnecessary abuse for no reason . You see a bunch of relationship red flags - you run fast and never look back .0 -
I kinda disagree a little with everyone who says this guy's behavior won't change. I absolutely believe it will change after you say "I do." It will change for the worse. Once you get married, his mindset will probably change into the "gotcha now" outlook, and the bad will only escalate to physical abuse....against your son, you, and maybe even your daughters.
Think for a minute about your son. Obviously, you don't want him raised to think it's okay to treat people this way. What about your daughters? Should they learn it's okay to be treated like this? You and your children deserve better than this.
My advice is this. Forget counseling. Run. Run as far away from this person as you can, and don't look back.5 -
jagodfrey08 wrote: »I kinda disagree a little with everyone who says this guy's behavior won't change. I absolutely believe it will change after you say "I do." It will change for the worse. Once you get married, his mindset will probably change into the "gotcha now" outlook, and the bad will only escalate to physical abuse....against your son, you, and maybe even your daughters.
Think for a minute about your son. Obviously, you don't want him raised to think it's okay to treat people this way. What about your daughters? Should they learn it's okay to be treated like this? You and your children deserve better than this.
My advice is this. Forget counseling. Run. Run as far away from this person as you can, and don't look back.
True dat
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kschwab0203 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
This.It also sounds like your fiancé's behavior (just speaking from this incident and how you've said he's hard on your son) may be alienating your son. At eight, he isn't too young to realize he's being treated differently than the other children in the home. It may also be why your son idolizes his biological father so much.
OP: I really can't see your fiance's behavior changing anytime soon, since in order to change it he'd first have to admit it.
Based on what you've told us, I honestly feel you should re-think your future with this man.
I have...I told him that everything is on hold indefinitely.
Would he be at all open to counselling?
Honestly, I'm not sure I am open to counseling. I have been through enough BS with my first marriage that I feel like if we are in this place right now before marriage and before the going can get really tough then I'm not quite sure it worth my time.
Entirely your call to make.
The part that disturbs me about your fiance's behavior is that he seems to resent that your son loves his biological dad. Regardless of *why* your son loves his dad (a lot of it could well be because your ex showers him with presents) he's still his dad. For a stepdad-to-be to show signs of being butthurt over that doesn't bode well for the future of this blended family.
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He is more juvenile than your son. Bolt for the door- or kick him out. After being married to a man that treated his own children like that, I left. Best decision I ever made.1
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I have typed and erased three different responses. Make it four, I just erased this one too. OP, you need to look at yourself. That's all I will say.4
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Can't even...What the what??? Choice? Where does your child's future and self-worth rank? They are molded by the life they lead, those around them, and what they witness. Sponges...what does your son suck up from his father figure?
Blended families can be really beautiful or hell. Too much personal crap triggered by this thread but suffice it to say, I've been where your son is and if you think he doesn't know how the guy feels about him or his father, you're mistaken. Hell was home and a place I NEVER wanted to be. Sad to see another child going through this. Smh5 -
finny11122 wrote: »Classic passive aggressive liar that also has self loathing problems .
Only a total passive aggressive loser would hide something and pretend not to know where it it . Thats non physical abuse.
It's like for example a women takes the TV remote out shopping in her hand bag while at the same time the husband is tearing the house apart looking for it. Only the weakest most pathetic minds think that way .
Kick that clown to the curb because it will not get better with passive aggressive people. They are a total pain in the *kitten* to live with.
You deserve better and so do your kids. Life is too short to put up with self loathing losers that project their jealousy , envy, lack of self esteem onto you and your kids.
Well said. I agree that what he did was abusive. And that (over the long run) he will not get better.1 -
What I don't understand's how/why a parent'd even allow, a situation to occur more than once; regardless of the initial severity and thus potentially escalate? An enabler's also, an abuser & now your just "considering", not marrying him; the relationship should've already ended after the 1st incident?5
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kschwab0203 wrote: »So you have been together 3.5 years. How long have you been engaged? This behavior is new or has been ongoing for the whole time he has known your son?
Get him to counseling and work through whatever his issue is before getting married or break up with him today.
We just got engaged on Christmas. He has always been harder on my son than with my girls. When I've brought it to his attention, his response is that he is just trying to teach him right from wrong and how to be a man, nit let him get away with murder like his father does.
In other words, he is punishing him for loving his father because he hates him. He is jealous and controlling and is pitting you against your son. Don't let him convince you his actions are justified or well-intended.4 -
I'll just say my mom is in her 4th marriage. Her husbands treated my brother and I like crap. I'm 32 years old and I'm still upset about it, especially after having my own kids. I always felt like she should have loved her kids enough to leave. Just thoughts from someone that lived that crap.7
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