How to encourage your spouse?

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Replies

  • Tacklewasher
    Tacklewasher Posts: 7,122 Member
    I got nothin'. My wife nagged, cooked better, try to get me to see the doctor and I still was 330 and not caring.

    Even now that I'm losing weight, I'm not doing it "her" way and I'm not doing it for her.

    And if she had somehow managed to get my friends to rag on me, that would have pissed me off more. And I'd be down friends.

    To be honest, I still can't say why I decided to lose weight. I'm asked about it, but I don't have a good answer. I just have a goal in mind and am working towards it my way.

    You know him better than we do. Put less on his plate? Buy smaller plates and don't tell him?
  • dominique_paul
    dominique_paul Posts: 8 Member
    My husband wanted to lose weight but thought he could do it by eating chicken parm and brownies every night washing it all down with a beer.
    I helped him by having a talk. He cut out beer to only on weekends or when going out. I'm the main cook in the house so I simply took charge of the meals I made. They're still delicious, just a lot better for him than chicken parm. And every night I ask him to join me on my walks.
    Little things can make a big difference.
    You can be very straight forward and tell him you're concerned for his health.

    Reading some replies I'd say definitely cut back on portions. That was a big problem I had. One well portioned serving is usually enough, we just choose to eat more because it's there.
  • goldthistime
    goldthistime Posts: 3,213 Member
    kksmom1789 wrote: »
    Also he plays golf every weekend and has an active physical job he stopped going to the gym and then he gained all his weight back I personally think his portion sizes are too much and partly my fault I make a healthy meal but fill up a whole dinner plate piled high filled he's in the mind set of I can't lose weight if I'm not working out and that's why I want him to just count calories for a month to see that you don't always have to work out to lose

    When my husband and I were first married I wasn't great at estimating how much to cook, so often I'd make sure he had enough, but not get enough dinner myself. Those days I snacked on less nutritious and less filling stuff after dinner.

    In other words, cutting his dinner portion sizes isn't without risk. He may make up for it and then some.

    I'm hoping he will try MFP again, perhaps at .5/lb a week. Good luck.

  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,053 Member
    Some of you guys are hilarious. @TimothyFish thank you for my laugh of the morning re: the church big screen. But on a more serious note, @Spliner1969 has a valid point about insurance and financial planning for the realities that lie ahead. Seriously evaluate long-term disability insurance (it can only be purchased while he has earned income) and 529's for the kids. I am sorry to be a Debbie downer, but I have a close family member who at this point is a complete invalid because of obesity and its complications. I cannot tell you what a burden it is for the spouse. And to have 2 kids to put through college on top of it.... that's a tough road. Not just emotionally and physically exhausting, but I am here to tell you financially exhausting, too. "I'm so scared you won't be around when the kids need help getting through college," may sound different than "Your knee will only last 5 years" to him, but they both sound pretty serious to me.

    On a positive note, my DH was overweight when we married. Whenever I had to get a handle on maintenance creep, I asked if he wanted to do it together. He never made the effort. 6 years into the marriage he decided it was time. He got to a healthy weight and has maintained (not without some effort) for several years. He does attribute it 100% to my good example and good cooking. It just took a little time for him to commit himself to the goal. Maybe yours will, too.
  • sbrandt37
    sbrandt37 Posts: 403 Member
    edited February 2017
    kksmom1789 wrote: »
    I want to encourage my spouse to lose weight ...

    You offered several reasons why you want him to lose weight, but none of them are particularly compelling to me, because he gets to decide what makes him happy. If eating so much makes him happy, that is up to him. BUT, you also get to decide what makes you happy. If having a healthy life partner who will be around for the long term makes you happy, you have a right to want that and to ask him to do something about it. That's the direction from which I recommend you approach this.

    Perhaps something along these lines: "Sweetie, I love you and I am worried about your health. I want you to be around for a very long time. At the moment, I am worried that you will not be because of the impact of your weight on your health. Your blood pressure and blood sugar are both high, and I am worried that if you continue the way you are going, I am going to lose you way too soon and even the time we do have together will be compromised by the health problems you are likely to have. I know it may not be easy, but I want us both to start focusing on the lifestyle changes that will make it possible for us to live a long and healthy life together. Will you please do this with me?"
  • jazzyspender
    jazzyspender Posts: 49 Member
    What a great thread! I was in the same situation. I guess all guys are different as seen by @ole496 & @TimothyFish :) I knew my husband needed to lose weight and wasn't sure what to do. I tried talking to him about health and making sure he's around for the kids. Telling him we could do it together....I have a set diet that works for me and he would just scoff at the idea of eating what I made. He loves cooking, so would make something else. So that didn't work! I exercise, and he likes to watch me exercise, but that's about it! ha! We ended up in an argument about something unrelated and I blurted out that he was being selfish not losing weight...not caring about his health or backing me up by setting an example for our kids. At first he acted like I was a total B for saying that. But actually a few days later he offered to go on a walk with me. Now he has a fitbit & tracks his steps and he's on his own diet and when he weighs in each week and has a loss he is pretty proud of it and tells me. I didn't mean to give tough love, it wasn't my first choice, but it ended up being the thing that got thru to him. Good luck to you!
  • spiriteagle99
    spiriteagle99 Posts: 3,745 Member
    My husband would never track what he eats or how many calories he is taking in. He simply doesn't care and that level of detail just isn't anything he would be willing to do.

    OTOH, he doesn't mind me deciding what we eat and when. I shop and cook. I make sure we don't have a lot of sweets or junk food in the house. I make sure there are vegetables with dinner and that he eats fruit at least once a day. We don't eat out very often. We walk together, with the dog, twice a day. I also suggest hikes we can all do together.

    His weight still isn't ideal, but his blood pressure and cholesterol are good and his blood sugar is under control. That's all I care about.
  • SusanMFindlay
    SusanMFindlay Posts: 1,804 Member
    edited February 2017
    FWIW, he doesn't need to count calories to lose weight - especially if you're doing it. I assume you're eating family meals? (In other words, the whole family eats basically the same food at the same time?)

    My husband has lost 20 pounds without trying since I've been calorie counting. A small part of that was that he got more active. (We got FitBits, so he goes for walks at lunch to try to get his 10,000 steps for the day. We also have two toddlers - which is a workout in itself.) But mostly it's because we've tended to choose more dinners that work into my calories (i.e. so that I can have a good 400-500 calorie dinner and feel full). He still gets bigger portions, but when we're making pasta bolognese instead of pasta carbonara, there are a whole lot less calories than there used to be. (When we really craved the carbonara, we tried it with spaghetti squash instead and it was pretty decent.) We're not really having "diet food" - just more of the lower calorie "normal food" options. We found some great chicken sausages that we can have with baked beans and a vegetable. I discovered that kielbassa is surprisingly low in calories, so we can have that with perogies (4 for me) and a vegetable.

    We also cut *way* back on the eating out. You'd be amazed how much of a difference that alone can make.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,324 Member


    There is one thing that motivates most anyone to lose weight. Seeing yourself in a picture.

  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    edited February 2017
    if my fiance said the things about me, you say about your husband .... i wouldnt be getting married.

    that is all.
  • Morgaen73
    Morgaen73 Posts: 2,817 Member
    I can only tell you how my wife keeps me motivated. Sex and sexy compliments. She will walk past me and put her hand on my back and say "oooohhh feel those muscles" or like this morning she looked at me after I got dressed for work and said "you look damn sexy".

    I know everyone is different and blah blah blah but men are motivated by their egos and their penisses. Don't think the two are separate either.

    I'm not saying it will work but give it a try, and reward him accordingly if he does well.
  • tattygun
    tattygun Posts: 447 Member
    Honestly...the only time anything's ever changed is when I actually leave them.
  • Ming1951
    Ming1951 Posts: 514 Member
    kksmom1789 wrote: »
    I have lost 43lbs just from calorie counting he knows I don't exercise between working full time, him, & our 2 young children I'm busy busy lol honestly he's in recovery right now from a knee scope surgery and I just talked to the surgeon and he said if he would lose the extra weight he's knee will last 15-20 years or if he doesn't maybe another 5 years and he won't live past 55 years old his mom died in her early 50's with obesity being a main factor I saw his chart before he went in and it said 398lbs but he said he had his work boots on so that's why I said he's 380-400 yes I totally agree that he needs to be the one to do it in 2013 he lost almost 100lbs but has gained it all back so I know he can do it I'm going to tell him exactly what the surgeon said and tell him that I need him around for not my selfish needs but for our children first and foremost
    Oh and I re downloaded MyFitnessPal on his phone and this time I will try to help him log more

    You can tell him about my husband...scoped knee only lasted a year, needed a partial knee replacement, then he go prostrate cancer ( not weight related), the a heart attack, and stents, recovered but never quite who he was, kidney failure, and now another heart attack/stent. He has been watching me lose weight since Sept and I think after this last hospital he is ready to lose too. I notice him skipping a meal or just eating 1/3 of what he was eating. Plus I am cooking him lots of veggies, I'll throw a bog of those steerable frozen veggies in the microwave with one of those remade cups of brown rice and he is happy. Sometimes I add a small chicken breast. Its a start. My daughter is also overweight, I haven't been able to motivate her yet.
  • murp4069
    murp4069 Posts: 494 Member
    I tried for quite a long time to get my husband to join me in getting motivated to get healthier. It was a stupid endeavor. He had to come into the motivation on his own. In the mean time, I pretty much took over cooking during the week so most of the time he ate what I was eating meaning he was eating healthier and smaller portions. But in the meantime he was still making bad food choices during the day while he was working. Now he has become more motivated on his own and is making better choices without me there guiding him. All I really had to do was set a good example and work on myself.
  • annacole94
    annacole94 Posts: 994 Member
    Once upon a time a couple years ago, I said to my husband "Hey, I'm going to lose 10 lb. Do you want to try this MFP with me?"

    I did need to lose the ten lb. He needed to lose much more. I lost my weight (and regained it subsequently, thus my return). He lost more, and then more, and then around 80 lb total. He's regained a bit too, but we're back on the wagon together.

    He had to want it, but I was the kick-start in getting him going.

    Also, we did just buy smaller plates. :)
  • happyauntie2015
    happyauntie2015 Posts: 282 Member
    My husband and I are very open and honest with each other. He has high blood pressure but it is now under control with diet and exercise. When he was diagnosed the dr had suggested the dash diet however my husband didn't want to do a diet he instead wanted to do something that was more long term so that brought me here. He doesn't count calories however I weigh everything with a food scale in portions for myself as well as for him. He helps with the grocery shopping and meal prep where before he didn't do those things.

    You cannot make him do something he doesn't want to do or isn't ready for but you can share with him your fears and worries. You can let him know he isn't alone in this lifestyle change and that you are there to encourage and support him. If you do the majority of the cooking and grocery shopping you can certainly start making changes in the meals you cook and the foods available in the home otherwise he is responsible for the rest. I find many recipes on cookinglight.com and Pinterest. You can start suggesting going on long walks after dinner or anything to get him active as well.
  • successgal1
    successgal1 Posts: 996 Member
    Start making "after his death" plans with him. Get the life insurance policy. Talk about how to handle his affairs, how he wants his body disposed of...that sort of thing. Reality. I'm hardly even joking there it does work. But you have to know your man too.

    My SO is settled into counting calories now, but the first month or two was hard on him. His diet calories are 1670. It wasn't until I told him that MFP is taking 500 calories out of maintenance calories, that when he reaches his goal weight he can go back to 2100 calories a day, that the concept really clicked with him. That its not forever, that he still can eat what he wants.
  • SusanMFindlay
    SusanMFindlay Posts: 1,804 Member
    successgal1 wrote: »
    My SO is settled into counting calories now, but the first month or two was hard on him. His diet calories are 1670. It wasn't until I told him that MFP is taking 500 calories out of maintenance calories, that when he reaches his goal weight he can go back to 2100 calories a day, that the concept really clicked with him. That its not forever, that he still can eat what he wants.

    Be careful with this line of thought. If he has a lot to lose, his maintenance calories at goal weight will be lower than his maintenance calories now. If he has a lot to lose, there may not be that much difference between deficit-at-beginning calories and maintenance-at-end calories - though 1670 sounds pretty low for a guy so maybe he doesn't have much to lose.
  • successgal1
    successgal1 Posts: 996 Member
    SusanMFindlay wrote: »
    successgal1 wrote: »
    My SO is settled into counting calories now, but the first month or two was hard on him. His diet calories are 1670. It wasn't until I told him that MFP is taking 500 calories out of maintenance calories, that when he reaches his goal weight he can go back to 2100 calories a day, that the concept really clicked with him. That its not forever, that he still can eat what he wants.

    Be careful with this line of thought. If he has a lot to lose, his maintenance calories at goal weight will be lower than his maintenance calories now. If he has a lot to lose, there may not be that much difference between deficit-at-beginning calories and maintenance-at-end calories - though 1670 sounds pretty low for a guy so maybe he doesn't have much to lose.

    Pick your battles. The line of thought worked at that time. I can edit if and when he reaches his goal. He's 6'2", 65 years old, fairly well-muscled. Carries his weight mainly in his belly. He's now cycling 3 times a week and doing weights. Losing at a good rate now, I'd say he was 30-40 lbs overweight, now about 25 - 30. Don't worry, I've got a handle on it. He actually LISTENS to reason. And he's also picked up the "I get to eat more when I workout" quite well.
  • ahoy_m8
    ahoy_m8 Posts: 3,053 Member
    edited February 2017
    True story. Not exactly applicable, so apologies in advance for the tangent.

    Good friend's DH was into rock climbing. After they had kids, he set his sights on higher (riskier, more expensive) summits. She was ok with the climbing, but not with the escalating risk. It was a point of tension that culminated when he announced plans to summit Denali. Big project. Long project. She laid down the gauntlet with, "I think your priorities are selfish. I don't agree with it, and my feelings are hurt by it, but I'll acquiesce under this condition -- $X life insurance policy. If you are ok leaving me to raise these kids on my own, you must ensure our standard of living doesn't tank and I don't have to break my back to pay the mortgage on top of everything else you will be leaving me to handle alone." He bought the policy, climbed Denali then hung up his crampons.

    Not the ideal solution, perhaps, but a compromise. Her feelings were hurt, but she did feel at least financially protected in a worst case scenario. And I think he realized that she was mentally preparing herself for life without him, and he ultimately decided he didn't want that. That is the part that is germane, perhaps, to you OP.

    If you two could honestly talk about your hopes and dreams for yourselves and for your kids together, and then lay the groundwork --actually putting money in accounts and buying policies, not just talk-- he might decide that he wants to be a part of that. And like my friend's husband, have a change of heart. A doctor saying you won't make it past 55 does justify financial planning.
  • AmyOutOfControl
    AmyOutOfControl Posts: 1,425 Member
    This is just my opinion/experience - I am far from an expert. Take this advise how you will....

    When I was at my highest weight - It used to make me feel guilty and like a horrible person when people when would bring up their concerns. As an emotional eater, this made my weight problem worse. I just started eating in secret and it became a vicious cycle of shame.

    It was not until I got tired of physically feeling like crap that I did anything about my weight/inactivity. In my experience - people do not change unless THEY want to change. I am sure his doctor has made him aware of his lifestyle risks.
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  • MelonSodaz
    MelonSodaz Posts: 26 Member
    Sadly you can't, If he's not motivated, he's not going to want to change anything. Perhaps seeing your success he might want to join you later but it's up to him =(
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    You don't. You can make tasty lower calories meals and offer to pack them lunch but that's pretty much it.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
    My husband was diagnosed diabetic at least 10 plus years ago. He wasn't up to 300-400 pounds, but he did get up to 200 at one point.

    I started trying to really lose weight back in April 2011. It wasn't until January, 2012 when he decided to try to lose weight too.

    I've been on diet's all my life. You name it, I've probably tried it. I wasn't really ready until I got my "aha" moment in April 2011.
    Your husband probably needs a push, but not from you. (Sorry for harshness.). He knows he needs to lose weight, but isn't ready for the challenge yet. Life will probably kick him in the pants (like it did with me) before he actually takes steps in that direction.

    Trust me - my parents nagged me all my life. I'm 50. I can't tell you the depth of the issues it's caused with me that they cannot see past the weight with me. All they see is fat and all they say is "I don't want you to die before me....parent's aren't supposed to bury their children."

    All you can do is keep good, healthy food in the house, and lead by example. It took over 6 months of me being successful for my husband to join in. It may take that long or longer for your husband.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    kksmom1789 wrote: »
    Hello I want to encourage my spouse to lose weight not because I don't like the way he looks because he has high blood pressure and is pre diabetic and I think he would just be happier and I definitely want him to live a longer healthy life he's 32 and 6ft tall and weighs between 380-400 I don't know an exact because he hates weighing himself I want to encourage him and push him the right way without making him feel bad he did download MyFitnessPal a couple weeks ago but deleted it for reasons I'm not sure of anyone have any ideas???

    I was thinking about this thread more.
    Obviously this is impacting his health and you should approach it with that aspect.
    Also maybe look at reorganizing your lifestyle or changing roles a bit. Cook more. Plan more. Try to do more active things around the house, yard or for fun. Sit less. Be less efficient in chores. Maybe try to cut your food/drinks budget down by 20-50% to save for a trip or something.


  • newheavensearth
    newheavensearth Posts: 870 Member
    Does your hubby think exercise and MFP are too much work? That's my hubby's thinking. He is suffering from health problems due to his weight, but will only make changes is if it's easy. As in give me a miracle pill or a shake a day diet easy. He knows I log my food and says he can never understand that, and he sees me exercise every day but doesn't understand why people do that willingly or he thinks it's just vanity. Like others said, he needs to see lifestyle change in a good light and see that this healthy lifestyle is what's best, because a lifetime of painful disease certainly isn't. It has to start with a change in his mindset.
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