So lost and alone

jasmarie24 · February 2017

Hello beautiful! I agree with what everyone's been saying. Don't let ANYONE determine your happiness or your worth! Look at what you've accomplished so far , you're down 50lbs which is great! You're also obviously a lot stronger than what your giving yourself credit for, you had the strength to leave a bad situation before which takes guts and you know. I can't tell you what to do in your marriage because the final decagon is yours. However, what I can say is, do what's best for you. Really think this thing through, and don't think in terms of what he may think or want you to do. Consider your worth and your strengths while making your decision. Most importantly have faith that you are stronger than what you think, because you are!

not_my_first_rodeo · February 2017

CafeRacer808 wrote: »

Perhaps instead of marriage counseling, you should speak to a therapist on your own first. A qualified therapist will help you process everything you're going through and help you find the strength to do what's best for you.

THIS. I am a huge advocate of therapy. The therapist has no agenda other than to listen to you and to help you. It sounds like you've got a lot going on here and maybe this is the first step.

fitoverfortymom · February 2017

Ditto on the therapy here. Keep up with your weight loss. You are doing all the right things to improve yourself. Your marriage might get better, it might not, but therapy and improving your health will help you feel empowered and confident with any decisions about your life or your marriage you want to make. Getting your mind straight will work wonders. There's an awesome person inside you--you just gotta believe she's there.

VeryKatie · February 2017

wifeofgodek wrote: »

Hello. I am sorry to bother you all with my problems but I don't have anyone else to turn to. As a bit of backstory, I gained almost 100 pounds in the 9 years after I married my husband. I have tons of excuses, but they don't matter. I am disgusted with myself, but not as much as my husband is disgusted with me. He flat out said he is unattracted to me; I broke our vows by gaining so much weight. I love him so much and want my marriage to work. I've lost just over 50 pounds so far, but to my husband it isn't enough. He's not supporting my loss; he mocks my food scale and logging and says I never should have gotten fat to begin with.

Well, i just found out he's been talking to these thin and gorgeous women on tinder. I confronted him, and he said he was only talking and I should be grateful that he's not actually cheating on me. I feel so lost...

I know I shouldn't forgive him; this should be a deal breaker. But the thought of being alone makes me physically ill. Am I overreacting? If he's never actually slept with anyone else, should I care he's talking sexy with these women? I know that I won't find anyone else, so if my marriage ends, I'll be alone.

Thanks.

Um... actually he's breaking his vows, not you. "In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad". He should be loving you, supporting you, and helping you.

Huge red flag that he has a Tinder account at all.

I don't agree that it should be an automatic "no forgiveness deal breaker" but it is an issue the two of you need to try to fix before it becomes that. So I suggest continuing to lose weight (if that's what you want) and get the both of you into therapy. A marriage is something that takes work, it's a commitment, and it deserves both of yours time and effort to fix it if it's breaking.

To me, cheating with emotions is the same as cheating physically. He is cheating on you. But that's why the two of you need to look into getting help. And he needs to get off dating and booty call websites/apps immediately.

SueSueDio · February 2017

wifeofgodek wrote: »

I actually have tears in my eyes. You all are so much kinder to me than I deserve. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

No no no... see, this is what he's done to you. You don't think you're worthy of love and affection, or even simple kindness from strangers, but you are!

I wrote a long piece of waffle here and then decided against it - the main point is that you're getting some good advice here from others.

Work on yourself first, then decide if you feel it's worth working on your marriage. Don't let fear of being alone stop you from leaving if that's what you need to do - better to be alone than with a superficial person who doesn't love you for who you are on the inside, and you won't be alone for ever.

I wish you nothing but the best. Take care. *lots of hugs*

WildePillar · February 2017

He broke the vows, not you. Since when do the vows say that you can't gain weight?? It's not, "I'll vow to love you in sickness and health, as long as you are thin." He is wrong here.

jennifer_417 · February 2017

It's one thing to admit that he's not attracted to you anymore. But to use your weight gain as an excuse for his behavior is way out of bounds. He's way out of line.

Pynkklady · February 2017

Please know that your value is not based on your looks. You sound like an intelligent, loyal, kind person, and that has EXTREME value. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and dignity. Perhaps your husband is using your weight gain as a way out, in which case, nothing you do will change his mind. If he has already decided to go, he will go. My opinion is that you should let him! Continue on your amazingly successful weight loss journey and have some satisfaction in knowing he lost something wonderful!! And did you have a specific vow in your ceremony that stated you would never gain weight? I'm thinking that the whole 'in sickness and in health' trumps that.

I would see a therapist so you can work thru the denigrating thoughts he planted in your mind, and please know that you are not alone.

FitOldMomma · February 2017

You deserve better. It's as simple as that. Keep up with your weight loss (if that's what makes YOU happy because YOU want it) and perhaps some therapy to boost your self esteem. Truly- you are worth it.

dejavuohlala · February 2017

You deserve much better than a husband like that.! You carry on getting healthy and more confident and show him you are made of better stuff. Good luck

johnnylakis · February 2017

CafeRacer808 wrote: »

Perhaps instead of marriage counseling, you should speak to a therapist on your own first. A qualified therapist will help you process everything you're going through and help you find the strength to do what's best for you.

or maybe a divorce lawyer because of cruel and inhumane treatment

MarieCoreaa1 · February 2017

Just because he did not sleep with the women he has been talking to, its still emotional betrayal and infidelity. You are not over reacting. The confrontation probably made him not go through with sleeping with them. You are not alone. He is not worth keeping around, you are worth more than he thinks. Keep going, you can do this.

KristenCS9 · February 2017

Obviously, I don't know your whole situation, but just from what you've said in this thread, it sounds like your husband has been emotionally abusive to you. I speak from experience. It's a painful thing to deal with. I agree with everyone above that you should find a good therapist and do it ASAP. Take care of yourself. You deserve it no matter what he tells you. And congrats on losing 50 pounds. That is an impressive accomplishment! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

denverblueeyes · February 2017

Ask yourself would you rather be with someone who doesn't respect you and who doesn't care if he is hurting your feelings? Being alone is scary but it is scarier to live with a person who doesn't treat you the way you deserve. Marriage is about connecting with someone on multiple levels. You have accomplished a difficult task of losing 50 pounds! WOW, you go girl! Why would you want to be with someone who mocks your efforts to grow your self-esteem? You recognized your discomfort with your weight and decided to do something about it. You are making yourself into a healthy and strong person. Don't forget that! If your uncomfortable with how he treats you, do something about it, whether it be counseling or divorce or something else, just remember to be true to yourself and don't let anyone shame you for who you are inside or out!

pinuplove · February 2017

'Gaslighting' comes to mind here. Somehow it's all your fault - YOU aren't good enough, if only YOU would change he wouldn't have to seek other women, etc. That's utter crap, of course. Typical abusive behavior trying to shift blame. https://lonerwolf.com/gaslighting/

Holly23bgs · February 2017

Emotional cheating is still cheating. However, it is up to you and only you if you want to forgive him. Don't do it just because you're scared to be alone. Forgive him if he deserves forgiveness and if you believe it is the right thing. He doesn't sound supportive, but I know relationships are multi-faceted so he may have redeeming qualities that you haven't described. Go with your heart, but remember a marriage will only work if both parties want it to and in the end if he is not willing to support you, it may not be the best situation.
Good luck.

MomReborn · February 2017

I agree with the supportive statements here. I can't, and don't feel it's appropriate to tell you how you should handle this, but I can tell you I feel he broke his vows first. He left you emotionally when you were at your unhealthiest. He refuses to support your goals now. He has taken it a step farther by going on Tinder. That is simply deplorable. He is going to have to make changes and work with you in order for this to be a true partnership.

However, I'd be leery of any partner that flat-out hates the people I consider my parents (If they were not abusive or serial killers, or something). They did, after all, give life to, or at least raise you to be the person he's supposed to love and cherish. I believe that speaks volumes regarding what he really feels and where his motives truly lie. I hope we're just missing something here, and that you all can work it out. Stay strong.

vaughn3490 · February 2017

You're not over reacting. What he should be doing is encouraging you to lose the weight and helping you too. The name calling is not encouraging. Don't give up and focus on your health and continue to lose weight for YOU. And you didn't break any vows by gaining weight, he did! Your husband is supposed to be there for the good and the bad. I pray that you continue to lose the weight. Take care of yourself. Jesus loves you!

Jules_farmgirl · February 2017

You are worth the support and caring words you are receiving here. Not what your husband is telling you. I am divorced for many reasons, but in my marriage? Never once did my ex tell me I was anything but beautiful and he loved me when I had baby weight + more weight, and when I chose to lose my weight, he supported me for the health benefit and to be healthy again, not because he needed me to be skinny.

You will make it through this. No matter which path you go down, know you have to do what is right for yourself.

Bsams71625 · February 2017

If your friend came to you with this story, what advice would you give her? Sometimes you need to look at things from the outside to see what you can't. Do the best you can to find a good support system from family, friends, co-workers. Build your self-esteem and leave him. It's better to be alone and unhappy than to be with someone who makes you unhappy. You will find 'you' and discover you need to make yourself happy before anyone else can. Best wishes to you in your journey.

So lost and alone

Replies

Categories