Unsupportive partners/spouses?

Lavelle1980 · March 2017

My wife doesn't have the same drive or passion as I do when it comes to health, fitness, eating right. However, i'm very persistent and contagious when it comes to preaching topics about this that it finally paid off. Now we work out together daily at home using P90x, Some yoga DVD's from the book store, and general walking.

I do most the cooking and I live a 90-95% vegan lifestyle. I've had fish on a few occasions, so that's where the 90-95% comes in to play. Nevertheless, several approaches from being the tough guy, nice guy, to the (i'm just gonna do this by myself guy), I have tried to motivate her. What worked was positive reinforcement, leading by example, and educating. IF we're watching t.v. we would watch shows like, biggest loser, or any other weight loss shows, and this really opened up for a dialogue for us to have.

I was also careful of how I used my words. Instead of saying "YOU" I replaced it with "WE". And, instead of saying We should I replaced with We can and WE WILL.

All of these tips I studied from a psychological approach and it has paid off. So plant the seed early and water it with positivity. Your spouse will eventually come around.

Truvanessa · March 2017

Happy Friday!

slacker80 · March 2017

I'm still sleeping on the couch (Voluntary, holding my ground) when I go home after graveyard. Day 3. It started with mashed potatoes. One day I decided to cook up some Salisbury Steak, and she said she'd get the sides. Well in her end result she ask " is this enough". and it only looked like 2 servings for a family of 4. I say "babe feel free to whip up a large batch, I'm bulking"
And just like that several things were said immediately after that expressed how she felt about my constantly changing diets and it just opened up everything else. although it pisses me off how she easily brushed off something that meant a lot to me, I still miss my best friend.

merrysailor88 · March 2017

That is tough... I'm sorry you're stuck on the couch, voluntarily or not. Being with someone who's lifestyle differs from your own, can be rough. I guess the potatoes just threw her over the edge. Although, if all I had to worry about were my partner's dieting habits and what he wanted food wise- life would be grand.

ColetteM6 · March 2017

My Honey is a really, REALLY lean guy and has always been just a tad under weight. When I started digging into fitness and my diet he thought, "yea! Let's do it!". Which for him means....eating more than usual!! Ugh! And his dinner plate is full of extra delicious fats and goodies.

tabletop_joe · March 2017

DTMFA

perkymommy · March 2017

My husband is very supportive but he will still bring fast food in the house and offer up bites to me which is frustrating sometimes but ultimately it's up to me to refuse the food and keep on keeping on.

BedsideTableKangaroo · March 2017

some of these stories are truly upsetting. i hope everyone finds support somewhere, even if it is an anonymous message board. you do whatever you need to do to make yourself healthy and happy. and remember that those people, including SOs, who are unsupportive, passive-aggressive, or just simply *kitten* are dealing with their own self loathing. their reactions are truly about them, not you.

tabletop_joe · March 2017

^^^That. I feel really obligated to share this after reading some of these (not all of them, obviously, but some red flags are flyin' in some). Please get out and get help if you recognize yourself in this situation:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/12/11/how-to-distinguish-between-normal-marital-arguments-and-abuse/

kclaar11 · March 2017

I was surprised to find this thread. My fiancee is far from supportive so far. I started working out daily (in the morning) and eating much better January 1. Most of the time I get that "we are not going to eat that way when we are married" or just snide comments about it. The worst part is hearing that I am making her feel bad about herself because I eat well and workout.

VeryKatie · March 2017

Sometimes I read these and I get little glimpses of how I may be slightly unsupportive sometimes. I don't try to be... I definitely do the "ahh but do you have to go to hockey? can't you stay home with me instead" thing a lot... haha at least I *think* he thinks it's cute... and I mean he goes anyway lol.

However I think this might be an example of a person who is a sabateur out of love... I just wanna see him more! Hahaha - what can I say... I'm clingy? And it doesn't cross my mind usually that hockey is his form of exercise.

Truvanessa · March 2017

Thanks for sharing your stories. I am sorry to hear that some of you are having a difficult time. My advice is to go on your fitness journey for YOU and no one else. You can't force people to change their habits or characters. Maybe in time, you will inspire and motivate them to join you. I don't know. I am hoping in my case, that my husband will try to get more active when the weather warms up.

Brans34 · March 2017

There is most defiantly a difference in people being unsupportive and abusive. My ex started as the unsupportive type, but quickly turned into the abusive type. Hence the ex factor. He started out just telling me that a gym membership was a waste of money, and I should just go outside and run up and down the road. By the way, we had a gym in town that was $10/month. NOT a big waste of money! I really watched what I was eating and went to the gym for an hour to an hour and a half almost every day, mostly just cardio. I ended up losing 43 pounds in about 5 months. After about the first 15, it started out that I was "seeing" someone at the gym. Another 10 and it turned into I was a big wh*re, and was "screwing" every guy there. I tried to get him to go with me several times, but he always refused. Seriously, I went from 187 to 143 in 5 months! Wouldn't you think it was obvious that I was working out?! And there's just no way anyone could have that much sex to burn that many calories! Lol. I put up with it for so long because we had a child together. But after a couple of years, I started caring less and less about him. I was trying to improve my health, and he thought I was trying to expand my sex life...all over town. But after finding several texts to his ex (who actually DID sleep around with at least 10 guys during their 5 years of marriage) about how he wanted her, he was gone. And really, I wasn't snooping through his phone. I grabbed it to take a picture of one of the kids, and when I turned it on, that was on the screen.
I would really suggest that, if it's a boyfriend/girlfriend or fiancé, you need to find a new one. Marriage does NOT fix anything, and it only makes them more possessive and critical. Especially if it starts out that way. If you are trying to improve your health and lose weight, even if it's only for vanity reasons, you do not need the criticism, lack of support, or mental abuse. If you dot have that level of trust in a relationship, find one you do. If you are married, you need to have a serious heart to heart and explain exactly why you're doing what you're doing and what you need from them. Maybe they'll jump on board and maybe not, but at least they could start being more supportive and less critical. You only get one life, and there is no reason to spend it in an unhappy relationship. You deserve better than that, regardless of gender. The fear of being alone shouldn't stop you from getting out of a toxic relationship. I have been single for almost 2 years, raising 4 children entirely on my own, and I have never been in a more mentally healthy place in my life. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I know I can take care of myself an my children. I haven't even received child support! And there are reasons behind that, so please don't leave a comment on that part. There are reasons I don't want their money.
Regardless of the type of relationship you are in, if it is mentally unhealthy or abusive, have a good discussion about it and see if you can fix it. Give them the chance to fix it. If nothing changes, or even gets worse, just get out. It really isn't worth it, as you deserve so much better! If you do have one of those amazing, supportive spouses/SO's, give them a great big hug and tell them how amazing they are.

tabletop_joe · March 2017

@Brans34 Thanks so much for sharing your story. It must have been difficult and confusing to go through the conflicts you did, and good job making the hard decisions. It's so hard to recognize when things cross the line--especially if you're dealing with body or self esteem issues. I really admire your determination and ability to make clear-headed decisions. You rule.

Truvanessa · March 2017

Happy Monday everyone!

jaenders06 · March 2017

My husband hates going to the gym and I find it hard to find the want to go by myself. A new gym opened and I joined for the classes and to try and lose some weight. I've been there 3 times in the last week and found that I really enjoy it. I could use some extra motivation logging my food. Seeing my dietician has helped but I still fall off the wagon on the weekends. I'm slowly getting to the point where I want this for myself. I'm down about 10 pounds since Christmas and just started the exercise regimen this past week. How do you all stay motivated when the support may not be there? I try not to let it bother me but I do worry about his health too (more than he does).

Truvanessa · March 2017

@jaenders06 That's awesome progress you have been making! Keep it up! For me, I just keep pushing myself. Getting healthy should be for you first. Hopefully in time, your hubby will come around.

wizzybeth · March 2017

I really wonder how many spouses being accused of undermining are even aware that's what they're doing? Maybe they are just trying to be nice and don't realize it is undermining.

Last night we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant . I had my mind made up as to what I was going to eat to stay on plan. Didn't include guacamole this time which I love.

I went to the restroom and asked hubby to order a club soda for me if the server came while I was gone. He did, and got me an order of guacamole too because he knows I love it.

I didnt see it as undermining me at all. I saw it as him wanting me to have something I love. He didn't know it wasn't in my plan. I said with sincerity "Thank you!" Because his thoughtfulness meant a great deal to me.

A great deal of these issues could be worked out with a) not thinking the worst of your spouse; b) figuring out how to work that treat in without hurting your spouse's feelings; and c) having open communication with your spouse about your plan and goals.

Obviously this doesn't apply to spouses/partners who are just awful and mocking etc.

oceanvixen79 · March 2017

I love my SO...but he LOVES to eat out and grab drinks at the bar on the weekend which blows my calories. He's super fit so he doesn't need to watch his intake like I do. He will run and bike with me but I always feel like I'm slowing him down...sigh...
One of my trainer friends called us "not nutritionally intimate" lol. That pretty much sums it up.

jaenders06 · March 2017

@oceanvixen79 I totally get it. Mine eats constantly but he can cut back for a week or so and lose 10lbs. I don't get it and it's frustrating. I try to workout with him and it's just complaints and it doesn't motivate me. I prefer to have a buddy to keep pace with but I don't want a negative buddy. He does try to support me but then it gets to the point where it's like he makes me feel selfish because he has to help more with the housework because I want to make time for the gym.

Unsupportive partners/spouses?

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