I don't know what to do

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amyteacake
amyteacake Posts: 768 Member
in Chit-Chat
Me and this friend haven't been on good terms for while. We were best friends throughout high school, although when a better friend came along I was sort of forgotten about for a while. It all started when I got a personal trainer, started to lose weight and then got a boyfriend last year.

She didn't like it when I mentioned fitness or weight loss. She's self conscious about her weight too but doesn't do anything to change it and had assumed that I was starving myself even though it has taken me two years to nearly lose 2 stone. After that even a few of my other friends had started to ask me if I was eating right or claimed that I wasn't eating properly and it makes me feel horrible. I won't even be surprised if they've been turned against me as well, I don't have any other friends out of them apart from 1 and my boyfriend.

She makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I posted a stupid joke a few days ago and she assumed that it was aimed at her and despite me telling her it wasn't she doesn't believe me. I feel so horrible about it and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I can't do anything right. I have to watch my back and walk on eggshells constantly. If I want to post something on any of my social media I feel like I have to be careful. If I want to post something about fitness or weight or post a picture of my food on instagram I have to watch in case she thinks that I'm aiming it at her or she thinks that I'm bragging when I just want to show what I've made or how my progress is going.

I feel bad no matter what I do.

I was considering making amends with her before she moaned at me for posting a stupid joke.
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Replies

  • amyteacake
    amyteacake Posts: 768 Member
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    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    edited March 2017
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    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...
  • amyteacake
    amyteacake Posts: 768 Member
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    TavistockToad wrote: »
    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...

    I know. It's just that because of the way that she's been treating me I feel like if I make new friends they'll be the same
  • amyteacake
    amyteacake Posts: 768 Member
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    RoxieDawn wrote: »
    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.

    How so?
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...

    I know. It's just that because of the way that she's been treating me I feel like if I make new friends they'll be the same

    they wont be, but at the end of the day, people treat you the way you let them.
  • amyteacake
    amyteacake Posts: 768 Member
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    TavistockToad wrote: »
    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...

    I know. It's just that because of the way that she's been treating me I feel like if I make new friends they'll be the same

    they wont be, but at the end of the day, people treat you the way you let them.

    That's true.
  • amyteacake
    amyteacake Posts: 768 Member
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    happilymegan wrote: »
    Have you tried communicating with her to tell her how she is making you feel? My immediate reaction was a best friend wouldn't make you feel such a way. However it could very well be coming from a place of jealousy and jealousy can turn the kindest of people. In the end if nothing changes, it is better to have zero friends than fakes ones. People aren't always meant to be in our lives for the the entirety of it. A few years ago I ended my relationship with my very best friend since I was in preschool. It was hard but it was the right call. I am happier now and a better person for doing so. If she makes no attempt to change her attitude than I would think she doesn't care how you feel. And that isn't a friend.

    Whenever I try to it always turns against me somehow. She is an incredibly jealous person no matter who it is. I've cut off ties with friends before but there are ones that I was friends with in high school that I want to start to talk to again since I didn't see much of a point in cutting ties with them and the only reason that I did is because she did and didn't want anyone talking to them. I thought she would have changed a bit since it's been nearly over a year but nothing seems to have changed. My boyfriend isn't happy at all with the way that she's been making me feel and has noticed how her attitude has changed the way I act and has wanted to have a word with her on numerous occasions but I know it would just start something.
  • amyteacake
    amyteacake Posts: 768 Member
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    RoxieDawn wrote: »
    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.

    It is a very big fear of mine. I have one other friend outside of them. I have tried to communicate with her before but whenever I do and if I apologise for something that I've done it always gets turned against me somehow. I've been trying to work through my own issues for a while now yet because of everything that's happened I hold myself back
  • dutchandkiwi
    dutchandkiwi Posts: 1,389 Member
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    You are allowing her to treat you this way out of fear for being alone. Chances are she knows/realises this to an extend. But like with any toxic relationship, nothign will change until you take control of the one thing you can control - you!

    I'd suggest mentioning/talking to her around the I feel that we are growing apart and I hate that. What can we do to fix this.
    Worst case you will hit a wall and will be made to feel responsible you hve your anwer. Then walk away - you are worth so much more than being treated as a doormat
    Best case; it opens her eyes to her behaviour and you can build on from there.
    But in all cases it comes down to you taking control over the situation and standing up for you.
  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    edited March 2017
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    amyteacake wrote: »
    RoxieDawn wrote: »
    amyteacake wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?

    We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.

    If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.

    It is a very big fear of mine. I have one other friend outside of them. I have tried to communicate with her before but whenever I do and if I apologise for something that I've done it always gets turned against me somehow. I've been trying to work through my own issues for a while now yet because of everything that's happened I hold myself back

    I think maybe I would take a step back and see if your fear of being lonely is taking over your feelings and emotions when dealing with your friend.. Maybe some insecurities you have within your self need some working on..

    Without knowing both sides of the story its hard to advise what to do. Not to say she is not aiding in the way you feel about things, but a healthy friendship can always be worked on with proper communication, unless the relationship is severed beyond repair.

    You will work through it. Good luck!




  • MissMaggieMuffin
    MissMaggieMuffin Posts: 444 Member
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    I'm sorry to say this, but this person is not a 'friend' .
    From your posts, she has:
    - made you feel like crap, 'like you can't do anything right'
    - belittles your efforts to improve your health and fitness
    - forced you to choose between her and other friends - "I've cut off ties with friends before...and the only reason that I did is because she did and didn't want anyone talking to them."
    I think your fears of being alone are unfounded, given that there were other friends in your life that you chose to give up in favor of her.
  • nbingham
    nbingham Posts: 102 Member
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    If she twists your words and turns your conversation against you, she's not your friend, she's mentally abusing you. Ultimately you should do what feels right for you, but if it was me, I'd get out of that "friendship" fast. I spent over 20 years with someone who did that to me and it had some pretty severe repercussions on my health and emotional state. You can meet new friends. Go take a class, or maybe try meeting some new people at the gym. You need to find people who have things in common with who you are now.

    Abusive relationships don't only occur in romantic relationships.

    beliefnet.com/wellness/galleries/9-signs-you-are-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship.aspx

  • joolywoolysei
    joolywoolysei Posts: 5 Member
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    She doesn't sound like a friend to me. I would phase her out and ditch the social media!
  • Steam_Powered_Awesome
    Steam_Powered_Awesome Posts: 301 Member
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    I use to have a friend like that. Every time I did better at something (art, sports, est) she would treat me like crap even though i always offered to help her get better. life is to short to be walking on egg shells around friends

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