I don't know what to do
amyteacake
Posts: 768 Member
Me and this friend haven't been on good terms for while. We were best friends throughout high school, although when a better friend came along I was sort of forgotten about for a while. It all started when I got a personal trainer, started to lose weight and then got a boyfriend last year.
She didn't like it when I mentioned fitness or weight loss. She's self conscious about her weight too but doesn't do anything to change it and had assumed that I was starving myself even though it has taken me two years to nearly lose 2 stone. After that even a few of my other friends had started to ask me if I was eating right or claimed that I wasn't eating properly and it makes me feel horrible. I won't even be surprised if they've been turned against me as well, I don't have any other friends out of them apart from 1 and my boyfriend.
She makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I posted a stupid joke a few days ago and she assumed that it was aimed at her and despite me telling her it wasn't she doesn't believe me. I feel so horrible about it and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I can't do anything right. I have to watch my back and walk on eggshells constantly. If I want to post something on any of my social media I feel like I have to be careful. If I want to post something about fitness or weight or post a picture of my food on instagram I have to watch in case she thinks that I'm aiming it at her or she thinks that I'm bragging when I just want to show what I've made or how my progress is going.
I feel bad no matter what I do.
I was considering making amends with her before she moaned at me for posting a stupid joke.
She didn't like it when I mentioned fitness or weight loss. She's self conscious about her weight too but doesn't do anything to change it and had assumed that I was starving myself even though it has taken me two years to nearly lose 2 stone. After that even a few of my other friends had started to ask me if I was eating right or claimed that I wasn't eating properly and it makes me feel horrible. I won't even be surprised if they've been turned against me as well, I don't have any other friends out of them apart from 1 and my boyfriend.
She makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I posted a stupid joke a few days ago and she assumed that it was aimed at her and despite me telling her it wasn't she doesn't believe me. I feel so horrible about it and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I can't do anything right. I have to watch my back and walk on eggshells constantly. If I want to post something on any of my social media I feel like I have to be careful. If I want to post something about fitness or weight or post a picture of my food on instagram I have to watch in case she thinks that I'm aiming it at her or she thinks that I'm bragging when I just want to show what I've made or how my progress is going.
I feel bad no matter what I do.
I was considering making amends with her before she moaned at me for posting a stupid joke.
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Replies
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People grow apart. What brought you together as friends in the beginning may not be what you have in common anymore. If you can't be yourself around them, it might be time to move on.6
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why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?9
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TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.1 -
Friends that make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells on all the time is not a healthy friendship to me imho.8
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This is the era of fitness and being healthy. If she doesn't want to get on the train then that's fine but don't let it effect your personal goals and aspirations. Eat healthy, work out, have fun. It takes too much energy to be negative all of the time. (her) Keep your head up and focus on you!6
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amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.2 -
amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...1 -
TavistockToad wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...
I know. It's just that because of the way that she's been treating me I feel like if I make new friends they'll be the same0 -
amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.
How so?0 -
amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...
I know. It's just that because of the way that she's been treating me I feel like if I make new friends they'll be the same
they wont be, but at the end of the day, people treat you the way you let them.
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TavistockToad wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
you can make new friends... ones who share your hobbies...
I know. It's just that because of the way that she's been treating me I feel like if I make new friends they'll be the same
they wont be, but at the end of the day, people treat you the way you let them.
That's true.0 -
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happilymegan wrote: »Have you tried communicating with her to tell her how she is making you feel? My immediate reaction was a best friend wouldn't make you feel such a way. However it could very well be coming from a place of jealousy and jealousy can turn the kindest of people. In the end if nothing changes, it is better to have zero friends than fakes ones. People aren't always meant to be in our lives for the the entirety of it. A few years ago I ended my relationship with my very best friend since I was in preschool. It was hard but it was the right call. I am happier now and a better person for doing so. If she makes no attempt to change her attitude than I would think she doesn't care how you feel. And that isn't a friend.
Whenever I try to it always turns against me somehow. She is an incredibly jealous person no matter who it is. I've cut off ties with friends before but there are ones that I was friends with in high school that I want to start to talk to again since I didn't see much of a point in cutting ties with them and the only reason that I did is because she did and didn't want anyone talking to them. I thought she would have changed a bit since it's been nearly over a year but nothing seems to have changed. My boyfriend isn't happy at all with the way that she's been making me feel and has noticed how her attitude has changed the way I act and has wanted to have a word with her on numerous occasions but I know it would just start something.0 -
amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.
It is a very big fear of mine. I have one other friend outside of them. I have tried to communicate with her before but whenever I do and if I apologise for something that I've done it always gets turned against me somehow. I've been trying to work through my own issues for a while now yet because of everything that's happened I hold myself back0 -
You are allowing her to treat you this way out of fear for being alone. Chances are she knows/realises this to an extend. But like with any toxic relationship, nothign will change until you take control of the one thing you can control - you!
I'd suggest mentioning/talking to her around the I feel that we are growing apart and I hate that. What can we do to fix this.
Worst case you will hit a wall and will be made to feel responsible you hve your anwer. Then walk away - you are worth so much more than being treated as a doormat
Best case; it opens her eyes to her behaviour and you can build on from there.
But in all cases it comes down to you taking control over the situation and standing up for you.
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amyteacake wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.
It is a very big fear of mine. I have one other friend outside of them. I have tried to communicate with her before but whenever I do and if I apologise for something that I've done it always gets turned against me somehow. I've been trying to work through my own issues for a while now yet because of everything that's happened I hold myself back
I think maybe I would take a step back and see if your fear of being lonely is taking over your feelings and emotions when dealing with your friend.. Maybe some insecurities you have within your self need some working on..
Without knowing both sides of the story its hard to advise what to do. Not to say she is not aiding in the way you feel about things, but a healthy friendship can always be worked on with proper communication, unless the relationship is severed beyond repair.
You will work through it. Good luck!
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I'm sorry to say this, but this person is not a 'friend' .
From your posts, she has:
- made you feel like crap, 'like you can't do anything right'
- belittles your efforts to improve your health and fitness
- forced you to choose between her and other friends - "I've cut off ties with friends before...and the only reason that I did is because she did and didn't want anyone talking to them."
I think your fears of being alone are unfounded, given that there were other friends in your life that you chose to give up in favor of her.
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If she twists your words and turns your conversation against you, she's not your friend, she's mentally abusing you. Ultimately you should do what feels right for you, but if it was me, I'd get out of that "friendship" fast. I spent over 20 years with someone who did that to me and it had some pretty severe repercussions on my health and emotional state. You can meet new friends. Go take a class, or maybe try meeting some new people at the gym. You need to find people who have things in common with who you are now.
Abusive relationships don't only occur in romantic relationships.
beliefnet.com/wellness/galleries/9-signs-you-are-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship.aspx
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She doesn't sound like a friend to me. I would phase her out and ditch the social media!1
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I use to have a friend like that. Every time I did better at something (art, sports, est) she would treat me like crap even though i always offered to help her get better. life is to short to be walking on egg shells around friends2
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amyteacake wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.
It is a very big fear of mine. I have one other friend outside of them. I have tried to communicate with her before but whenever I do and if I apologise for something that I've done it always gets turned against me somehow. I've been trying to work through my own issues for a while now yet because of everything that's happened I hold myself back
I think maybe I would take a step back and see if your fear of being lonely is taking over your feelings and emotions when dealing with your friend.. Maybe some insecurities you have within your self need some working on..
Without knowing both sides of the story its hard to advise what to do. Not to say she is not aiding in the way you feel about things, but a healthy friendship can always be worked on with proper communication, unless the relationship is severed beyond repair.
You will work through it. Good luck!
We've barely spoken since new years and when we did it was hostile all because I was going to visit my boyfriend's grandparents before the bells instead of spending them with her and my other friends. I've been trying so hard to work on my insecurities but I keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back it seems.
Thank you for the advice!0 -
If she twists your words and turns your conversation against you, she's not your friend, she's mentally abusing you. Ultimately you should do what feels right for you, but if it was me, I'd get out of that "friendship" fast. I spent over 20 years with someone who did that to me and it had some pretty severe repercussions on my health and emotional state. You can meet new friends. Go take a class, or maybe try meeting some new people at the gym. You need to find people who have things in common with who you are now.
Abusive relationships don't only occur in romantic relationships.
beliefnet.com/wellness/galleries/9-signs-you-are-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship.aspx
The sad thing is that she's been in an abusive relationship before and knows how it feels to be treated that way. We've not been on good terms for a while and the only time we really see each other is big events - birthdays mainly and the last time was new years but even that was a disaster. Both my health and emotional state has been suffering for a while. I want to make new friends, I really do, but I keep holding myself back because I think that it'll end up being the same.0 -
Take the advise of the people from here, a break from her will do you good. Friends are supposed to make you feel good, have your back and support you in whatever, the bottom line, treat you the way you would treat them. If they are not doing that, then they not a friend. Don't worry about being alone, that is still better than walking on eggshells.1
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This doesn't sound like a good friend. Sounds like you have always tried to please her.
Meet new people and put her in your past. Get therapy to work on your issues.0 -
You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.3
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You know fitness updates on FB can get annoying. Esp. If people are following you and you overpost. It is a divisive topic. That is why MFP comes in conducive for that.
I have a lot of fat guys in my friends list. If I post too much stuff, they're gonna feel bad. I actually never post anything about the gym or even covert diet advice. I have seen others do it and I know they have ulterior motives. They are just bragging. This woman overposts on her fitness and hiking and rock climbing - that is all she has. She lives in a 1 bedroom and has a boring job, she complains to me a lot when I see her sometimes. This other person posts too much about her kids. Micro-updates on how cute they are. That is all she has in life.... overposting on anything can be offputting. Then adoption dad and moms, 10 updates every half day on how blessed they are.
Many a time I am tempted to post about my clothes or my job or my lifestyle - like hey, look at my new tailored suit - but it's going to rub people the wrong way, esp some individual who cannot afford it or has a rough life. Nobody wants to see how good your life is, how awesome you are, ten selfies a day (though they all look the same but you think each pose looks different) or the fact that you squat or climb rocks, or the marathons you run. Nobody wants to see that.
I always post about things everyone can relate to - like movies, music, social events, a little bit of news, coffee, cats.... or general commentary on others posts. I never touch divisive topics. And don't overpost.
The thing is though that I'm not posting constantly! I barely post on fb about it or on fb at all. I sometimes post what movies I'm watching, a selfie here and there and the first few times I've posted about it is when someone commented on my weight loss and then did a comparison on how I looked 4 years ago vs now. The only time I mentioned to them about it is when they wanted to go out but I had to mention that I had to see my personal trainer or I joked about how sore my legs were.
I enjoying posting food on my instagram long before I started losing weight. It's something I find fun. I can understand completely that it can rub people the wrong way, when she lost weight when we were in high school it was all she spoke about but I didn't mention a thing about it and even took up jogging with her.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
Well, then it sounds like sheer jealousy. Is she also less pretty?amyteacake wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You know fitness updates on FB can get annoying. Esp. If people are following you and you overpost. It is a divisive topic. That is why MFP comes in conducive for that.
I have a lot of fat guys in my friends list. If I post too much stuff, they're gonna feel bad. I actually never post anything about the gym or even covert diet advice. I have seen others do it and I know they have ulterior motives. They are just bragging. This woman overposts on her fitness and hiking and rock climbing - that is all she has. She lives in a 1 bedroom and has a boring job, she complains to me a lot when I see her sometimes. This other person posts too much about her kids. Micro-updates on how cute they are. That is all she has in life.... overposting on anything can be offputting. Then adoption dad and moms, 10 updates every half day on how blessed they are.
Many a time I am tempted to post about my clothes or my job or my lifestyle - like hey, look at my new tailored suit - but it's going to rub people the wrong way, esp some individual who cannot afford it or has a rough life. Nobody wants to see how good your life is, how awesome you are, ten selfies a day (though they all look the same but you think each pose looks different) or the fact that you squat or climb rocks, or the marathons you run. Nobody wants to see that.
I always post about things everyone can relate to - like movies, music, social events, a little bit of news, coffee, cats.... or general commentary on others posts. I never touch divisive topics. And don't overpost.
The thing is though that I'm not posting constantly! I barely post on fb about it or on fb at all. I sometimes post what movies I'm watching, a selfie here and there and the first few times I've posted about it is when someone commented on my weight loss and then did a comparison on how I looked 4 years ago vs now. The only time I mentioned to them about it is when they wanted to go out but I had to mention that I had to see my personal trainer or I joked about how sore my legs were.
I enjoying posting food on my instagram long before I started losing weight. It's something I find fun. I can understand completely that it can rub people the wrong way, when she lost weight when we were in high school it was all she spoke about but I didn't mention a thing about it and even took up jogging with her.
That's what people have told me. I wouldn't say so, she's engaged.0 -
2 sides to every story. I haven't heard hers, so I can't offer a lot of advice, however, I know that when I turned 19 and started to get into fitness, by 20 I thought I was the *kitten*. And I see it in the gym with a lot of people around that age, so maybe there maybe a little of haughtiness going on that you may not be aware of. People react to what they observe so besides your close friends, maybe ask some people you're just acquainted with if they've perceived that you've changed.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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2 sides to every story. I haven't heard hers, so I can't offer a lot of advice, however, I know that when I turned 19 and started to get into fitness, by 20 I thought I was the *kitten*. And I see it in the gym with a lot of people around that age, so maybe there maybe a little of haughtiness going on that you may not be aware of. People react to what they observe so besides your close friends, maybe ask some people you're just acquainted with if they've perceived that you've changed.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I've asked a few people that I wasn't particularly close to if they've seen a change in me and if they think the same way and none of them really have, just that I've gotten more confident with myself0
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