I don't know what to do
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amyteacake wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »why do you keep someone in your life who makes you feel bad all the time?
We've been best friends for years. We've had our ups and downs before and they usually fixed themselves out and I thought this one would do the same. But it doesn't seem to be this time. I think it also might be because I'm afraid of being alone. I have no other friends outside of them.
If perhaps staying in a friendship because you have fear of being a lone etc, this changes the complexity of the friendship all together.. communicate with her maybe? work through your own issues with why and how to keep this friendship if is indeed healthy and right for you to stay in it.
It is a very big fear of mine. I have one other friend outside of them. I have tried to communicate with her before but whenever I do and if I apologise for something that I've done it always gets turned against me somehow. I've been trying to work through my own issues for a while now yet because of everything that's happened I hold myself back
I think maybe I would take a step back and see if your fear of being lonely is taking over your feelings and emotions when dealing with your friend.. Maybe some insecurities you have within your self need some working on..
Without knowing both sides of the story its hard to advise what to do. Not to say she is not aiding in the way you feel about things, but a healthy friendship can always be worked on with proper communication, unless the relationship is severed beyond repair.
You will work through it. Good luck!
We've barely spoken since new years and when we did it was hostile all because I was going to visit my boyfriend's grandparents before the bells instead of spending them with her and my other friends. I've been trying so hard to work on my insecurities but I keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back it seems.
Thank you for the advice!0 -
If she twists your words and turns your conversation against you, she's not your friend, she's mentally abusing you. Ultimately you should do what feels right for you, but if it was me, I'd get out of that "friendship" fast. I spent over 20 years with someone who did that to me and it had some pretty severe repercussions on my health and emotional state. You can meet new friends. Go take a class, or maybe try meeting some new people at the gym. You need to find people who have things in common with who you are now.
Abusive relationships don't only occur in romantic relationships.
beliefnet.com/wellness/galleries/9-signs-you-are-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship.aspx
The sad thing is that she's been in an abusive relationship before and knows how it feels to be treated that way. We've not been on good terms for a while and the only time we really see each other is big events - birthdays mainly and the last time was new years but even that was a disaster. Both my health and emotional state has been suffering for a while. I want to make new friends, I really do, but I keep holding myself back because I think that it'll end up being the same.0 -
Take the advise of the people from here, a break from her will do you good. Friends are supposed to make you feel good, have your back and support you in whatever, the bottom line, treat you the way you would treat them. If they are not doing that, then they not a friend. Don't worry about being alone, that is still better than walking on eggshells.1
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This doesn't sound like a good friend. Sounds like you have always tried to please her.
Meet new people and put her in your past. Get therapy to work on your issues.0 -
You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.3
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You know fitness updates on FB can get annoying. Esp. If people are following you and you overpost. It is a divisive topic. That is why MFP comes in conducive for that.
I have a lot of fat guys in my friends list. If I post too much stuff, they're gonna feel bad. I actually never post anything about the gym or even covert diet advice. I have seen others do it and I know they have ulterior motives. They are just bragging. This woman overposts on her fitness and hiking and rock climbing - that is all she has. She lives in a 1 bedroom and has a boring job, she complains to me a lot when I see her sometimes. This other person posts too much about her kids. Micro-updates on how cute they are. That is all she has in life.... overposting on anything can be offputting. Then adoption dad and moms, 10 updates every half day on how blessed they are.
Many a time I am tempted to post about my clothes or my job or my lifestyle - like hey, look at my new tailored suit - but it's going to rub people the wrong way, esp some individual who cannot afford it or has a rough life. Nobody wants to see how good your life is, how awesome you are, ten selfies a day (though they all look the same but you think each pose looks different) or the fact that you squat or climb rocks, or the marathons you run. Nobody wants to see that.
I always post about things everyone can relate to - like movies, music, social events, a little bit of news, coffee, cats.... or general commentary on others posts. I never touch divisive topics. And don't overpost.
The thing is though that I'm not posting constantly! I barely post on fb about it or on fb at all. I sometimes post what movies I'm watching, a selfie here and there and the first few times I've posted about it is when someone commented on my weight loss and then did a comparison on how I looked 4 years ago vs now. The only time I mentioned to them about it is when they wanted to go out but I had to mention that I had to see my personal trainer or I joked about how sore my legs were.
I enjoying posting food on my instagram long before I started losing weight. It's something I find fun. I can understand completely that it can rub people the wrong way, when she lost weight when we were in high school it was all she spoke about but I didn't mention a thing about it and even took up jogging with her.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
Well, then it sounds like sheer jealousy. Is she also less pretty?amyteacake wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »You know fitness updates on FB can get annoying. Esp. If people are following you and you overpost. It is a divisive topic. That is why MFP comes in conducive for that.
I have a lot of fat guys in my friends list. If I post too much stuff, they're gonna feel bad. I actually never post anything about the gym or even covert diet advice. I have seen others do it and I know they have ulterior motives. They are just bragging. This woman overposts on her fitness and hiking and rock climbing - that is all she has. She lives in a 1 bedroom and has a boring job, she complains to me a lot when I see her sometimes. This other person posts too much about her kids. Micro-updates on how cute they are. That is all she has in life.... overposting on anything can be offputting. Then adoption dad and moms, 10 updates every half day on how blessed they are.
Many a time I am tempted to post about my clothes or my job or my lifestyle - like hey, look at my new tailored suit - but it's going to rub people the wrong way, esp some individual who cannot afford it or has a rough life. Nobody wants to see how good your life is, how awesome you are, ten selfies a day (though they all look the same but you think each pose looks different) or the fact that you squat or climb rocks, or the marathons you run. Nobody wants to see that.
I always post about things everyone can relate to - like movies, music, social events, a little bit of news, coffee, cats.... or general commentary on others posts. I never touch divisive topics. And don't overpost.
The thing is though that I'm not posting constantly! I barely post on fb about it or on fb at all. I sometimes post what movies I'm watching, a selfie here and there and the first few times I've posted about it is when someone commented on my weight loss and then did a comparison on how I looked 4 years ago vs now. The only time I mentioned to them about it is when they wanted to go out but I had to mention that I had to see my personal trainer or I joked about how sore my legs were.
I enjoying posting food on my instagram long before I started losing weight. It's something I find fun. I can understand completely that it can rub people the wrong way, when she lost weight when we were in high school it was all she spoke about but I didn't mention a thing about it and even took up jogging with her.
That's what people have told me. I wouldn't say so, she's engaged.0 -
2 sides to every story. I haven't heard hers, so I can't offer a lot of advice, however, I know that when I turned 19 and started to get into fitness, by 20 I thought I was the *kitten*. And I see it in the gym with a lot of people around that age, so maybe there maybe a little of haughtiness going on that you may not be aware of. People react to what they observe so besides your close friends, maybe ask some people you're just acquainted with if they've perceived that you've changed.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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2 sides to every story. I haven't heard hers, so I can't offer a lot of advice, however, I know that when I turned 19 and started to get into fitness, by 20 I thought I was the *kitten*. And I see it in the gym with a lot of people around that age, so maybe there maybe a little of haughtiness going on that you may not be aware of. People react to what they observe so besides your close friends, maybe ask some people you're just acquainted with if they've perceived that you've changed.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I've asked a few people that I wasn't particularly close to if they've seen a change in me and if they think the same way and none of them really have, just that I've gotten more confident with myself0 -
You clearly must start eating more and stop working out. You cant be skinnier than the bride to be. That would just be selfish. Need to think about others even if it means sacrificing your own health and happiness.2
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LiftingRiot wrote: »You clearly must start eating more and stop working out. You cant be skinnier than the bride to be. That would just be selfish. Need to think about others even if it means sacrificing your own health and happiness.
I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not but I'm not sarcrifying my own happiness for someone that doesn't make me feel happy or wanted as it is.0 -
Doesn't sound like a true friend to me.
I'll be your friend!0 -
amyteacake wrote: »LiftingRiot wrote: »You clearly must start eating more and stop working out. You cant be skinnier than the bride to be. That would just be selfish. Need to think about others even if it means sacrificing your own health and happiness.
I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not but I'm not sarcrifying my own happiness for someone that doesn't make me feel happy or wanted as it is.
And the big why remains; why om earth are you doing that? Because of fear of the unknown. Is that really worth it?
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It's simple, to get love, you have to give love. And even still you may not get what you want in return. It sounds like she is jealous because you did something about it, and she's lazy. Sometimes people change and other people can't deal with it. So...that leaves so much room to create new friends. Right?1
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amyteacake wrote: »I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not but I'm not sarcrifying my own happiness for someone that doesn't make me feel happy or wanted as it is.
Re-read the bit you typed that I have now bolded. Then re-read it again out loud and keep repeating. This is the attitude you need to have with this so-called friend and any person that doesn't add value to your life.
It's hard to let go of relationships that have been part of us for many years. Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do for your own sanity. You have to take care of you. It's not easy.
You say you've tried communicating with her and it always gets turned against you. If face-to-face is not working, try an old-fashioned letter. Sit down and write out all you're feeling just to get it out. Then rip up that letter, let that sadness and anger go. Write a fresh letter, using lots of "when you do X it makes me feel Y". Tell her you're sad to let the friendship end and she'll always have a place in your heart, but you can't allow what she thinks of you to control your life. Good luck. :flowerforyou:1 -
dutchandkiwi wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »LiftingRiot wrote: »You clearly must start eating more and stop working out. You cant be skinnier than the bride to be. That would just be selfish. Need to think about others even if it means sacrificing your own health and happiness.
I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not but I'm not sarcrifying my own happiness for someone that doesn't make me feel happy or wanted as it is.
And the big why remains; why om earth are you doing that? Because of fear of the unknown. Is that really worth it?
I had a bit of a drink in me when I wrote that. Main reason is because I have a fear of being alone and feel like I have to stay for some reason0 -
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TheRealSlim_Shelly wrote: »It's such a misconception that you need to be lifelong friends with every friend you have, even friends from childhood. People change, you outgrow friendships, people, interests, jobs, etc sometimes. I'm glad I'm not friends with people I was friends with in high school or college, some of them are so stuck in the past, and even the friends I do still have, seems like the only thing we have in common anymore is high school memories. This isn't even about weight, seems like you can't be yourself around her...the walking on eggshells thing... been there, and I'm so much happier to not be surrounded by "friends" like that... I mean, is that really the kind of friend you want? Politely separate yourself from this person. Doesn't have to be dramatic, just do your own thing.
I used to believe it so much when I was in high school. We all used to believe that we'd remain friends for life but then we all went to college and fell apart. This friend can be quite stuck in the past and jealous of things that have no meaning at all now. She's that type of person that if she removes someone from fb she'll have someone spy on them for her to see what they're up to. We have other things in common but seems like she doesn't even want to talk about them anymore. I've been doing my own thing for over a year and rarely ever see her unless it's big events like certain parties and things.0 -
sugaraddict4321 wrote: »amyteacake wrote: »I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not but I'm not sarcrifying my own happiness for someone that doesn't make me feel happy or wanted as it is.
Re-read the bit you typed that I have now bolded. Then re-read it again out loud and keep repeating. This is the attitude you need to have with this so-called friend and any person that doesn't add value to your life.
It's hard to let go of relationships that have been part of us for many years. Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do for your own sanity. You have to take care of you. It's not easy.
You say you've tried communicating with her and it always gets turned against you. If face-to-face is not working, try an old-fashioned letter. Sit down and write out all you're feeling just to get it out. Then rip up that letter, let that sadness and anger go. Write a fresh letter, using lots of "when you do X it makes me feel Y". Tell her you're sad to let the friendship end and she'll always have a place in your heart, but you can't allow what she thinks of you to control your life. Good luck. :flowerforyou:
I had a bit of a drink in me when I wrote that but now that I read it it seems to ring true.
We met in high school, were in the same college together and now it seems to have all fallen apart. She hangs over the fact that we've done so much for each other and helped each other through so much and I'm the one that's changed.
I've written open letters like that before to someone that broke my heart. Wrote it over and over again to let it all out, let out all the frustration and anger and hurt that he had left. Thank you.0
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