My boyfriend doesn't support my weight loss goals

Sometimes paths diverge when people change. At times the paths can be parallel and sometimes they go in opposite directions. This is a good time to think about what you both value and have that conversation. It may be that he is threatened by the changes that you are making and is unsure that you will still love him after you lose weight. Are you serious about each other? Have you talked about having a future and a family together? These are some very grown up questions and are things that you both need to discuss.

The conversation could start out like this: "I love you and I want to discuss something with you. Are you afraid that if I lose weight that my feelings will change for you? Do you think I will love you any less?"

Don't use accusatory statements. Let him answer the questions. When he is finished speaking, then say something like this: "Good" (presuming it was a good conversation).

"Can I ask that you not xyz anymore? Because when you do, it makes me feel as if you don't support something that is important to me." (He will of course deny it - and that's okay.)

Say something like, "Okay. I can't help how it makes me feel and I can't change this path I am on, and I want you right there with me" (presuming that you do).

So, pretty much if he gets defensive or is a "kitten" about this - that is a danger sign.

This is a very nonthreatening conversation and if he can't handle it or it doesn't go down with a positive outcome or worse you don't feel comfortable having this conversation, he may not be the guy for you right now.

You do you. You don't pressure him to change or diet, so ask him to return the favor by not pressuring you to give up your goals.

Tough situation. It's good that you realized that his lifestyle isn't yours. You don't have to change him, but you'll have to see if you can deal with it long term or not.

I do agree that people change and their lifestyles change as well. But it can take a VERY long time (it took me 15 years, just saying), and you alone can decide if you want to wait for him to change (unlikely), give up and be like him, or be yourself and have your own lifestyle.

You say that you don't want him to change... but clearly he wants you to, and he's done a pretty good job at making his lifestyle yours, apparently (as you've gained weight). You didn't say if you live together... I'm going to assume not. If so, I'd just try to find a compromise, and offer healthier options of things you can do together (go for walks, go hiking, go swimming, instead of watching Netflix and having pizza, for example). You also don't have to eat what he eats (besides, he's a man, and can probably eat more than you do). Order/make your own food. Offer to make tasty lower calorie meals (check skinnytaste - he won't be able to tell that it's lower calories) instead of eating out. It doesn't mean that you have to cut out junk though... maybe learn moderation instead of dealing in extremes.

But yeah, hard to give advice when we don't know what your situation is like. A lot of people gain weight when they start dating though...

There's a lot of advice here that I didn't read but I just thought I'd add my two cent to the OP.

I know with new relationships I gain a lot of weight because I end up eating out with him a lot in the beginning. And guys not only have the ability to eat more calories, in general men need more calories. So if your calorie intake is around the same as his you're going to gain weight faster. You always have to keep that in mind when eating with your beau. He needs to eat more than you and you need to eat less then him. Period.

Junk food is an addiction and until he acknowledges that he's not going to be able to pull free from it. It's also what makes it difficult for you to be around it, because most likely you are hooked too. Unfortunately our food addictions are something we are constantly presented with no matter where we go. Weighing and portioning our junkie indulgences is crucial, meal planning and getting in the habit of making healthier choices when it comes to where we eat and what we eat will help combat that.

If him being supportive means eating like you want to eat, that's not being supportive, that's you being controlling of him. A man cannot and should not eat like a woman. IMHO that's not sexist - it's biological.

However a supportive partner will encourage you to stick to you calorie goals and go places to eat where you have sensible and healthy options. He will not flaunt junk in your face, but snack on that crud on his own time. And also you can eat out of the same bag of chips, just weigh out your portion, count it and don't eat more than that.

I cook healthy plant-strong dishes and my beau loves it when I cook for him, but some breakfasts I will make him eggs and toast and a bowl of oatmeal for myself. Or for dinner I will weigh out my dinner portion and give him two portions worth. He's bigger than me, more muscular than me and works out a lot more than me. We need to eat differently and we do our best to acknowledge and respect those differences.

To me my beau being supportive of my weight loss isn't about him changing the way he eats, but rather buying me a new dress or sexy lingerie as a gift every time I drop a dress size.

lthames0810 wrote: »

You know, when I read these "no support from SO" threads I sense that they are mostly concerning younger couples​. At my age (62) I have a somewhat different perspective after witnessing first hand (my parents) what "in sickness and in health till death do us part" really means at the end.

It's inevitable, no matter how well we maintain our health, that one of us will decline sooner or more quickly than the other and as we promised, we will care for them in whatever way they need. But it seems unfair, an abuse really, to our partner if we disable ourselves through lifelong neglect of our weight/health then just rely on our partner to suffer the consequences.[/quote]

Well said. I want the ability to get off the toilet unaided until the day I die.

Detritus_1965 wrote: »

rachelagoodill wrote: »

He also says [...] life is to be enjoyed

Yupp,
problem here seems to be two not entirely compatible definitions of "Joy".

First of all: Don't try to talk him out of his (presumably) unhealthy life-style, it will not work, it never does. Those changes only ever work if they come from ourselves and not if forced upon us.

As suggested by @Rogstar : Talk to each other, and listen to what the other has to say, the healing powers of honest conversation are astonishing at times.

If all else fails: In every partnership there is this moment when you'd have to ask yourself: "Do I want to live this way for the next times (the rest of my life)?" No matter which answer you will give yourself, draw the consequences and do this fast and clean.

Seconded. After a good talk and some time for him to make an adjustment on his own, reevaluate.

It may feel way to early for this, but I'll say it anyway: is this the man you want to be the father of your children (presuming one day you want children)? Are his habits (both food/activity/entertainment and the way he talks to/about you and supports--or undermines you) ones you want your children to emulate?

My husband is super skinny and always has been, but he always supports my decision to eat healthier and exercise and never says anything to me or in front of our kids about either, unless it's to compliment my hard work/achievement in some athletic endeavor. He is also always game to play outside with the kids, ride bikes, etc--he's not sucking them into a video game fest on the couch. He may prefer not to have broccoli with his curry, but he eats it without comment to be a good example for th kids.

Granted, my husbad should be up for sainthood (he never said anything about taking the boys every Saturday morning for months so I could race or do a long run, bless him), but I do cater to his food preferences too--I'll make him rotele and chips and cook meat most nights even though I'm vegetarian. It's give and take, but it should be both of you compromising together.