Other people's kids.
crackpotbaby
Posts: 1,297 Member
Do you think it's okay to tell a long term friend that you would prefer to catch up with them without their children?
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Neither would I. I think it's perfectly reasonable but my friend seems to think otherwise.0
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Depends on the age of the kids I think. If it was a baby then fair enough but if say they are school age then they don't need to tag along. I don't take my kids if I can help it because they get voted quickly & you can't have a decent gossip with them around. You'd have to be pretty tactful about it though.1
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Omg I'd love for a friend to be like... Hey! Girls night.. See if you can find someone to watch the kids! Lol2
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Friend asked to catch up.
Various ideas were floated.
Wanted something a little more interesting than a drunken night out.
We decided on climbing a mountain about 3 1/2 hours drive from me, 2 hours from her, 5 hour return hike with steep ascent/decent.
Picked a day thennshe said she will be bringing her (naughty) 7 year old that runs away and doesn't do as he's asked.
I said I would rather not do this climb with young children.
She has taken offence to this.
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Friend asked to catch up.
Various ideas were floated.
Wanted something a little more interesting than a drunken night out.
We decided on climbing a mountain about 3 1/2 hours drive from me, 2 hours from her, 5 hour return hike with steep ascent/decent.
Picked a day thennshe said she will be bringing her (naughty) 7 year old that runs away and doesn't do as he's asked.
I said I would rather not do this climb with young children.
She has taken offence to this.
is she a single parent?0 -
sure, if their kids are evil brats, why not?0
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Yes but depending on ages you may have to accept that no kids might mean less frequent catch ups.0
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I'm guessing it depends on the context. If someone said to me "hey, lets do this thing, it's gonna be cool, but unfortunately it's not kid friendly...." then I'd be ok with it.
If it was more like "hey lets do this cool thing, but not with your kid cos she's gonna ruin our day..." then I'd take offence.
When you say you told her you'd rather not do the climb with young children, has she got enough notice to get a sitter or make arrangements for her son? Was it after she possibly told the child he could go with you and now she has to let him down and hurt his feelings? There are possibly other elements here that we don't know about, we only have one side of the story. She might have been looking forward to getting out and doing something cool with her friend and her son and having a really nice day with two of her favorite people.
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It's annoying when people assume that because they were invited to something, so was/were their kid(s). If I ask a friend with a kid to do something and I mean to invite the kid, I state it. But because of assumptions, now I also have to say up front that whatever activity I have invited them to do is not child friendly.
Because fact is, I want to do something with my friend, not their kid. The presence of a kid changes the entire dynamic and not, IMO, in a good way.7 -
Who would attempt "climbing a mountain...with steep ascent/descent" with a bratty, undisciplined 7 y/o?? Hope you work things out...7
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vikinglander wrote: »Who would attempt "climbing a mountain...with steep ascent/descent" with a bratty, undisciplined 7 y/o?? Hope you work things out...
Someone who thinks their kid belongs everywhere they go. You will typically find these people in bars and movies after 10 PM, too.6 -
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I wouldn't even think of bringing my kid in this situation. It would make it less fun for me, and my kids behave well. Is there anyway you could meet when the kid is in school?
She might be offend, b/c she knows the kid is bratty, and you aren't the first to avoid her kid.
ETA: Sometimes the delivery can be offensive though. If you said, "I want to hang out with you, but I dont want to hang out with your kid." Offensive.
If you say, "Let's hang out and go rock climbing. I don't think it is a kid-friendly kind of place..." Not offensive.2 -
We haven't yet set a date as any plan needs to fit with our jobs, my family (two children who would stay home with my partner) and her child.
She is a single parent but the boy's Dad general takes him on weekends and whenever my friend's social life requires it.
If we were going out on the town or to a winery she would get her parents or ex to take the boy.
I don't dislike the child, but I want to hang out with my mate not her son.
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vikinglander wrote: »Who would attempt "climbing a mountain...with steep ascent/descent" with a bratty, undisciplined 7 y/o?? Hope you work things out...
Exactly.
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You could try another approach... like 'hey when does your ex have your kid? we should hang out so you're not too bored' or something.
It can be tricky asking someone not to be with her kid when she's divorced and has limited time with them, honestly.
Do your kids get along? I mean, my best friends have kids and we typically see each other with the kids, but sometimes we do drop the kids off with the men and go shopping without them or something.1 -
Your friend probably thinks that being outdoors is a nice fun kid-friendly activity. I would think the same too. If it is not something a child can do, are you sure your friend is really interested into this herself or able to do it?
I would not want to "waste" an opportunity to do something like this and not take the kids along either. And if my kids could not cope, probably it would be too hard for me too (assuming this is not an baby/preschooler).
Why not suggest something else for the next time the kid is with his dad? Like a drink, coffee, dancing? Something where kids would not have fun.1 -
Like many posters stated, it depends how you approach it. You have to realize that you might not be able to spend too much time with your friend though. When my kids were little, I had to pass up on lots of fun opportunities to go out. If my kids weren't welcome, then chances are, I was not going. I would NOT get offended though. I just wouldn't go. My friends were more disappointed then I was most of the time. *shrugs*2
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I have a girlfriend that brings her daughter every time we plan something. I've become accustomed to it but sure wish it could just be adults once in a while. Not planning on drinking or partying just catching up.3
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It depends on the kid.1
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I would keep stressing the difficulty of the hike. Sounds like a pretty good workout you have planned, what the heck is she going to do with this kid when your 3 hours from the car and he is totally pooped. Carry him?
Seems like thats an outing for an agreed upon kid free day, if she has to bring the kid I would be looking for a different activity.2 -
Just for contrast. My kids are my life. If i'm asked not to bring them, that will probably be the last time I speak with you.1
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I am a single parent. My kiddo is my world. I do tend to bring my kid with me. However, I ASK is it okay to bring my kid to said activity.
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Friend asked to catch up.
Various ideas were floated.
Wanted something a little more interesting than a drunken night out.
We decided on climbing a mountain about 3 1/2 hours drive from me, 2 hours from her, 5 hour return hike with steep ascent/decent.
Picked a day thennshe said she will be bringing her (naughty) 7 year old that runs away and doesn't do as he's asked.
I said I would rather not do this climb with young children.
She has taken offence to this.
It was presumptive of her to assume her kid was invited/welcome. If she took offense when you (presumably) told her it's not really a child-friendly activity and you'd rather keep it adults-only, that's her problem. You can either try again - making it clear 'no kids allowed,' plan something child-friendly and bring your kids along (hope they'll entertain each other enough for the grown-up to chat), or accept that she apparently isn't interested in meeting up with you w/o her kid and move on.2 -
Friend asked to catch up.
Various ideas were floated.
Wanted something a little more interesting than a drunken night out.
We decided on climbing a mountain about 3 1/2 hours drive from me, 2 hours from her, 5 hour return hike with steep ascent/decent.
Picked a day thennshe said she will be bringing her (naughty) 7 year old that runs away and doesn't do as he's asked.
I said I would rather not do this climb with young children.
She has taken offence to this.
This would be a problem for me.
In fact, if you change some of the details, it has been a problem for me.
I'm not a huge fan of children to begin with, I hate driving, and the point of the hike was to see the mountain top.
Next time, I'd make plans to do something like this, and be upfront about your desire to see the top of the mountain, which is going to require the kiddos to stay home. I'd probably insist on taking separate cars, too, and part ways on the trail if necessary. While that sounds harsh, she shouldn't have wasted hours of your time making a plan with you that wasn't possible because she decided to bring her child.4 -
I was one of the first out of my group of friends to have a child. It was never a problem with me to leave my kids with their father or a sitter to be able to spend quality time with a friend. I mean, really, I see my kids all the time. I don't want to compromise the few hours I have with my friend by spending time re-directing my kid, or fussing, or answering a million questions (mine like to ask a lot of questions). I for one have never understood this need by some parents to include their children in everything. Momma needs a break sometimes.
I don't think it's wrong to tell your friend that you'd like to spend time one on one this time and possibly plan another day where kids can be included.
Side note: Funny enough, once my friends started having kids (several years later) we couldn't do a damn thing without including one of their kids. I was like- Damn I've had kids for years and respected the grown up time!3 -
I've learned that some people take offence if you try to have an "Adults Only" gathering. Most of the time I am fine with people bringing their kids and such, but, if I don't want kids at a particular event, I don't invite those parents.3
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I speed through school zones.6
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TheRoadDog wrote: »I've learned that some people take offence if you try to have an "Adults Only" gathering. Most of the time I am fine with people bringing their kids and such, but, if I don't want kids at a particular event, I don't invite those parents.
I had people go nuts one year when I threw a birthday bash for myself at my house that started at 9 PM at which I provided all the food and drink and had the nerve to say it was a 21+ event.
One set of friends got indignant about their children not being invited, took serious offense, and they quit talking to me.1
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