I just have to vent people.. sorry.

EKarma
EKarma Posts: 594 Member
edited September 30 in Chit-Chat
I don't have anyone to call and I just really need to vent, so sorry MFP..

GRR! I just dropped my daughter off at her dad's house and boy oh boy. I thought I would talk to him about his smoking in the house with our daughter in there. I told him that I am concerned about her health and that it's my job to be concerned. He says that he just smokes in the back of the house.. I say well please smoke outside, I really don't want her to be around the cig smoke.

He brings our daughter, who is 8 years old, outside to be a part of the conversation. I'm like, she doesn't need to be apart of this convo, she is 8. We are adults, I am her mother and I am worried about her health. It's my job to worry about her health and when she is 18 if she wants to smoke, she can, and if you all want to smoke inside the house, that's fine!, but I don't want her sitting in a smokey house, it's bad for her health. (I have full custody) So, I say, I'm taking her home, this is BS. HIM- Fine Erin, I'll stop smoking in the house when she is here, will that make you happy? ME- Yes, I don't want her to be in a smoke infested house, it's my job to make sure she is healthy.

I leave all shook up.. I CANNOT BELIEVE MY EX-HUSBAND IS SUCH A FREAKIN LOSER TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT!!!!!! Are you seriously going to argue with me about smoking around my kid, our kid!! Really?!?! Take your lazy *kitten* outside if you want to smoke. How freakin ridiculous can you be? I'm so flabbergasted. My daughters out there crying because he wants her to be all involved.. OMG! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? He is about the biggest joke ever!
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Replies

  • Pandorian
    Pandorian Posts: 2,055 Member
    I hate it too, family comes to visit and they smoke inside, it takes me a solid week of the 10 days between their visits to air it out just in time for them to come back and stink it all up again.

    And sadly "smoking outside when your daughter IS there" isn't much of a solution as the house is absolutely coated with the smoke and stench, they come in from smoking outside with the clothes reeking of it and figure they did enough because they stepped outside.
  • minadeathclutch
    minadeathclutch Posts: 375 Member
    I don't have anyone to call and I just really need to vent, so sorry MFP..

    GRR! I just dropped my daughter off at her dad's house and boy oh boy. I thought I would talk to him about his smoking in the house with our daughter in there. I told him that I am concerned about her health and that it's my job to be concerned. He says that he just smokes in the back of the house.. I say well please smoke outside, I really don't want her to be around the cig smoke.

    He brings our daughter, who is 8 years old, outside to be a part of the conversation. I'm like, she doesn't need to be apart of this convo, she is 8. We are adults, I am her mother and I am worried about her health. It's my job to worry about her health and when she is 18 if she wants to smoke, she can, and if you all want to smoke inside the house, that's fine!, but I don't want her sitting in a smokey house, it's bad for her health. (I have full custody) So, I say, I'm taking her home, this is BS. HIM- Fine Erin, I'll stop smoking in the house when she is here, will that make you happy? ME- Yes, I don't want her to be in a smoke infested house, it's my job to make sure she is healthy.

    I leave all shook up.. I CANNOT BELIEVE MY EX-HUSBAND IS SUCH A FREAKIN LOSER TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT!!!!!! Are you seriously going to argue with me about smoking around my kid, our kid!! Really?!?! Take your lazy *kitten* outside if you want to smoke. How freakin ridiculous can you be? I'm so flabbergasted. My daughters out there crying because he wants her to be all involved.. OMG! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? He is about the biggest joke ever!

    thats ridiculous. i smoke. I LOVE smoking. HOWEVER i would never ever smoke indoors, thats just disgusting. it smells like crap. and it's just unhealthy for everyone. i smoke outside and outside only. always. not even a question.
  • sewist
    sewist Posts: 40
    Oh my. I'm so sorry. But you have to be a good parent even if you catch flak. Your daughter is worth it!
  • mjf0461
    mjf0461 Posts: 470 Member
    Stand your ground dear... She will appreciate the effort you take one day.. HOLD firm on your responsibilities to her..She knows you love her...
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
    I absolutely agree with you. So frustrating that people STILL are doing this to their children.
  • stronglikebull
    stronglikebull Posts: 402
    Depending on what state you're in, its actually a misdemeanor to smoke in certain enclosed areas with a minor present. For example, in California, you can get a ticket for smoking in a car if there are kids in it with you. I'd check up on local laws where you live and try to be a bit more 'persuasive' with your ex if you can actually get him in trouble for it.

    my dad smoked all the damn time in the car, house, restaurants when he had us (divorced parents, mom had custody) and I HATED it. Thanks for being a proactive mom :)
  • PinkiG35
    PinkiG35 Posts: 16
    I smoked in my house for a long time. I dont have kids but did notice that my cats (yes I am destined to be the old cat lady) started having issues. Now that I have quit (142.12 days-but who is counting :-) ) I have noticed that my house smells better and the cats arent having issues.

    He should go outside. No question. My parents smoked my entire life but NEVER smoked in the house until we were grown up and moved out.
  • Ajontheguitar
    Ajontheguitar Posts: 695
    It's good you stuck to your guns. Very awesome of you, seriously. Dude's a loser but apparently also an idiot...I'm sorry :(
  • MrBrown72
    MrBrown72 Posts: 407 Member
    If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

    However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    Just be glad he's involved at all...NOT that you should have to put up with that, and more importantly...that your daughter should.

    My ex left at the beginning of April...she tried to take the kids with her, and when she failed...she left anyway. She moved 825 miles away...and hasn't seen them since. The worst part is she does love them...but she's got huge emotional and mental issues she refuses to acknowledge.

    They are the ones to suffer for it...and because of that, I'm the one that has to be the *kitten* and police their contact.

    It's a joke.

    Anyhow, keep being the good mother is sounds like you are hun. Your daughter deserves no less.
  • mlemonroe2
    mlemonroe2 Posts: 603
    that has to be about the hardest thing, to have to have your child around someone you don't trust to be as concerned about her well being as you are. you are right to say something. if you set some ground rules with him (if he cant follow them, than he can't see her) that include not having discussions about her while she is around, maybe that would help. i am blessed to have a caring, loving husband so i can only imagine what your situation is like, but i really do feel for you. at least his time with her is limited, and you are her main care giver. she knows you love her and wants whats best and thats what matters
  • Qarol
    Qarol Posts: 6,171 Member
    Sounds like dad of the year. Sorry you have to put up with him. Even more sorry your daughter does.
  • britterbrittney
    britterbrittney Posts: 256 Member
    My mother smokes around my 5 year old brother (yes, significant age difference, lol). Long story short, she said she wasn't going to smoke while a friend's grandma was in the car...me being kind of a smart a** said "but you'll smoke around my brother?" needless to say, she didn't like what I had to say......drives me crazy that people don't take into consideration kids. Kids don't have control over their situation, its YOUR job as a parent to take control. So GOOD FOR YOU Erin!! A woman after my own heart, standing up for what she believes in!!!
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

    However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

    Not much more to say than that.
  • britterbrittney
    britterbrittney Posts: 256 Member

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

    Not much more to say than that.

    This.
  • FairyMiss
    FairyMiss Posts: 1,812 Member
    I hate it too, family comes to visit and they smoke inside, it takes me a solid week of the 10 days between their visits to air it out just in time for them to come back and stink it all up again.

    And sadly "smoking outside when your daughter IS there" isn't much of a solution as the house is absolutely coated with the smoke and stench, they come in from smoking outside with the clothes reeking of it and figure they did enough because they stepped outside.

    you let people smoke in your house?? see that was your first mistake should of never let it happen
  • Ajontheguitar
    Ajontheguitar Posts: 695
    If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

    However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

    Not much more to say than that.

    What's the big deal? I would love if my young daughter came back home to me smelling like my gig from last weekend...Why don't you have him spill beer all over the floor too?
  • MrBrown72
    MrBrown72 Posts: 407 Member
    If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

    However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

    Not much more to say than that.

    There's a difference between smoke, and the smell of smoke. Just smelling like smoke is a horrible smell (didn't really realize that till I quit) but probably less dangerous than the horrible perfume some folks bathe in.
  • Ajontheguitar
    Ajontheguitar Posts: 695
    If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

    However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

    Not much more to say than that.

    There's a difference between smoke, and the smell of smoke. Just smelling like smoke is a horrible smell (didn't really realize that till I quit) but probably less dangerous than the horrible perfume some folks bathe in.

    I didn't know people owned carcinogenic perfumes with addictive qualities.
  • lugovelb
    lugovelb Posts: 60
    Hello let me first congratulate you in you wight loss and say yu look great. Now as a non smoker or drinker and prior DARE officer. Let me say I am with you in this one. However, one of the thing kids learn in DARE is how to ask people not to smoke near them. I think your approach was a bit hars. Let me remind you I am with you in this one. Also let me remind you that bad habit are hard to stop, I will say he will still smoke inside unless reminded. One thing you could do is tell your daughter to leave his side when he is smoking inside the house. Maybe go to a diffrent part of the house or go play in the back yard. I think when he realized that she is leaving it should have a bigger impact on him that anything you can tell him. And tell your daugther that if he ask why she leave the room. To tell him the truth "I am leaving cus you smoking and I don like it" That will make him think. Finally let me say how rewarding is to see a mother like you caring an worring so muc about kids exposure to smoking.

    Ben
  • MrBrown72
    MrBrown72 Posts: 407 Member
    If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

    However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

    Not much more to say than that.

    There's a difference between smoke, and the smell of smoke. Just smelling like smoke is a horrible smell (didn't really realize that till I quit) but probably less dangerous than the horrible perfume some folks bathe in.

    I didn't know people owned carcinogenic perfumes with addictive qualities.

    There is also a difference between a fact, and a prejudice. Carcinogens are inhaled via smoke, not the smell of smoke that was once there. Much like burns come from fire, not rained out month old fire pits. Nicotine is absorbed through the mucosa and the lungs while inhaling live smoke. Now if he we having the child chew on the curtains I'd have to say its an issue. However just Smelling cigarette smoke is not going to add either of these to the system.

    Not sure why I'm bothering as chances are the average reader will just close their eyes and hate as it's socially acceptable and they can. But really facts/versus hearsay is a big difference.
  • newmommynewfitme
    newmommynewfitme Posts: 89
    You have every right to be concerned! Smoking around children is proven to have detrimental effects on them health wise.

    "Since kids have young and developing lungs, they tend to receive a higher concentration of inhaled toxins than do older lungs. This is especially true when the air is contaminated with cigarette smoke.Children who spend 1 hour in an extremely smoky room breathe insufficient toxic chemicals that equals to smoking 10 cigarettes. Obviously that is more than their lungs can bear. These kids will surely end up having asthma all throughout their life. So it is no wonder that thousands of new cases of asthma are reported due to passive smoking. Some would even worsen and develop into a more serious case of bronchitis or pneumonia."

    Heck I will not allow my Dh's father to hold our son if he smells like an ashtray, my baby's lungs are fragile and if I can smell ( I have asthma so extremely sensitive to smell of smoke) from across the room him holding him is worse. Protect your daughter from possible life long effects.

    http://www.trifectamultisport.com/the-negative-effects-of-secondhand-smoke-in-children/http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancercauses/tobaccocancer/secondhand-smokehttp://quitsmoking.about.com/od/secondhandsmoke/a/smokeandkids.htm
  • Ajontheguitar
    Ajontheguitar Posts: 695
    If you're saying you don't want him to smoke with her in the room I understand completely. I used to smoke but not in the house by preference and never around my kid.

    However if you're saying that a house that just "smells like smoke" is going to somehow grow fangs and magically eat her lungs I'd say you're just trying to play alpha wolf and control you're ex.

    If she's concerned for her daughter's health (second and third hand smoke have been 'proven' to be worse than smoking itself), she has every right to be 'alpha wolf'. Even if you deny the studies...she still has every right to be concerned BECAUSE of them.

    Not much more to say than that.

    There's a difference between smoke, and the smell of smoke. Just smelling like smoke is a horrible smell (didn't really realize that till I quit) but probably less dangerous than the horrible perfume some folks bathe in.

    I didn't know people owned carcinogenic perfumes with addictive qualities.

    There is also a difference between a fact, and a prejudice. Carcinogens are inhaled via smoke, not the smell of smoke that was once there. Much like burns come from fire, not rained out month old fire pits. Nicotine is absorbed through the mucosa and the lungs while inhaling live smoke. Now if he we having the child chew on the curtains I'd have to say its an issue. However just Smelling cigarette smoke is not going to add either of these to the system.

    Not sure why I'm bothering as chances are the average reader will just close their eyes and hate as it's socially acceptable and they can. But really facts/versus hearsay is a big difference.

    I was using the same analogy. It's not a great one anyway. Perfume isn't really ingested or put through the lungs in that way anyway.
  • britterbrittney
    britterbrittney Posts: 256 Member
    In the situation for the OP, I think it was clear he does smoke while the daughter was around....
  • Pandorian
    Pandorian Posts: 2,055 Member
    Well it was more their place and I was a live in care-taker at it. They come down on time off from the job and smoke the place full, despite my being a non-smoker, no worries I'm out of there now and where I do go around smokers they all take it outside. They still bring the stink in with them, just they don't notice it because it's not as strong as the smoking itself.
  • SmartFunGorgeous
    SmartFunGorgeous Posts: 699 Member
    I strongly agree with the man who is a former DARE officer. It is definitely important to protect your child's health, and keeping her away from cigarette smoke should be a priority. However, telling another adult how to behave, or how he should behave, tends to be a combative way to handle the situation, if it isn't handled very delicately. Since you two are split up, it's safe to say there are some very high emotions that are mixed into any association you still maintain with the other. And because of that, it is possible that the approach to the situation felt negative to him (whether that is how you intended it or not). So, again, I agree with the DARE officer's advice- talk to your daughter as well, and explain to her the dangers associated with smoking. It's not a direct attack on her father, just education in regards to how to deal with a difficult situation.

    You are well within your rights to ask him not to smoke around her, and to explain how 2nd hand smoke can travel throughout an establishment such as a home, even if he is in one room and she's in another. He needs to be educated in the harm he could be visiting upon his daughter. The fact that he wants to spend time with her says that he cares for her, and even if he's not receptive to your request when in your presence, it is very likely that he'll consider her when you're not around, because then he's making the educated decision for her benefit, not merely trying to annoy you. Couples who have split often say and behave one way in front of the other than they do when no longer in the others presence. Part of it is keeping up the appearance of "I don't care what you say," and part of it is trying to push the others buttons.

    You were definitely right to address this with him, but try not to stress over the outcome you saw because it may not be the entire picture of the situation. And also, educate your daughter so she can be proactive in the future as well.

    :flowerforyou:
  • Brent_Arthur
    Brent_Arthur Posts: 33
    Congratulations on standing up for your daughter!
  • foodfight247
    foodfight247 Posts: 767 Member
    Sounds like I'm not the only one today who's narked with their ex....I've just got back from a walk which I took just simply to shake off a little bit of angst, aswell as mull over a few things. It's really difficult when there's children involved.

    I very recently stopped smoking, and it's proving really hard. But I have to say that when I was, I would ALWAYS smoke outside where my 6yr old would not inhale any second hand smoke. He was part of the main reason I decided to stop - your family's health is extremely important aswell as your own.
  • EKarma
    EKarma Posts: 594 Member
    To be clear.. He is smoking in the house while my daughter is in there.. I have talked to him prior to this incident, and he said he would stop.. My daughter told me he is smoking in the house still, but he goes into the kitchen.. So I confronted him again.. And we had this major blow up.. He's trying to bring our daughter into it.. She doesn't need to be a part of this convo.. He needs to quit smoking in the house while she is visiting him. I have full custody and I mentioned it to him again.. And he says, "Oh so you're saying it's a priveledge for me to see my kid?" I was like, Yes it is, I don't have to let you see her. I just can't believe that my concern for her health had him in an uproar.. He has a baby on the way with his now-girlfriend.. I looked at her and told her, I didn't allow him to smoke in the house when we were married, and I don't want him smoking around my kid. When she is not at their house I don't care if he smokes in his house. I just don't want him smoking in the house when she is there.. And he still is. But he thinks I'm being unreasonable.. He's making me mad.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    To be clear.. He is smoking in the house while my daughter is in there.. I have talked to him prior to this incident, and he said he would stop.. My daughter told me he is smoking in the house still, but he goes into the kitchen.. So I confronted him again.. And we had this major blow up.. He's trying to bring our daughter into it.. She doesn't need to be a part of this convo.. He needs to quit smoking in the house while she is visiting him. I have full custody and I mentioned it to him again.. And he says, "Oh so you're saying it's a priveledge for me to see my kid?" I was like, Yes it is, I don't have to let you see her. I just can't believe that my concern for her health had him in an uproar.. He has a baby on the way with his now-girlfriend.. I looked at her and told her, I didn't allow him to smoke in the house when we were married, and I don't want him smoking around my kid. When she is not at their house I don't care if he smokes in his house. I just don't want him smoking in the house when she is there.. And he still is. But he thinks I'm being unreasonable.. He's making me mad.

    I'm sorry hun...and for the record, I'm right there with you. I am a single Dad...my kids health, safety, and emotional security/stability come before ANYTHING ELSE in my life. Stick to your guns...and if all else fails...explain to your daughter that she should go out front or somewhere else while he's smoking and for a short time after. Maybe her guilting him into doing the right thing would work.

    Pretty stupid when the children have to be the ones to defend themselves from their parents selfishness =/. Trust me, I know all about that as well.
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