How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?
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shank3r
Posts: 13 Member
Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage. I've said things that I can't take back but it has been about a year since I've said ANYTHING to her in regards to her physical condition and I'm afraid it's to the point where she either begins her journey or the the both of us and our son(7) have to accept the situation somehow. My sister pulled me aside and told me that the topic of her weight should be off limits as far as me talking to her, but it's my wife's health that I'm worried about, she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more.
The last few years have been especially difficult, I got layed off from a GREAT job and even though I'm making more $ now, the job is difficult (oil field), I'm gone 2 weeks at a time, and she's working full time as a nurse to support the family with insurance and good pay as well. In the last 4 years we've gone thru countless miscarriages and even the doctor has suggested to her to loose weight. The emotional toll of the both of our struggle with our weight is undeniable, but it's hard to talk about it anymore as nothing seems to really ever change.
Our child is growing up to be an EXTREMELY active kiddo and I'm so proud of him, he'd rather ride his bike, go to the ranch, beach, or pretty much do anything other than watch TV or play video games, so I consider that a success. But in the case of my wife, she's regressed to the couch and watching TV when she's at home.
I'm noticing that our kid wants nothing more than to play with her, but it's to the point where her weight is limited what she's capable of doing and I can see that she hurts when she does try to keep up with him and at 7 he's realizing that she's not physically capable of doing a lot of things he wants her to do with him. This in turn hurts me and makes me frustrated at the same time, but I've been keeping silent to avoid saying something hurtful. She recognizes it too.
We've both battled with weight issues, before our child was born we both lost a bunch of weight, I've been yo-yo'ing since he was born and she's been steady gaining. I bought her a bike (a REALLY nice one) modified it to make it as comfortable as possible, which it now sits in the garage; I bought her a SOL elliptical (did a lot of research and spent a lot of $ on an upper tier one) which now collects dust in the dining room.
I'm really at the end of the rope. She recognizes that her size limits her, and I think it stresses her out, but I have to figure something else out soon. It breaks my heart seeing what's happening. Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.
She used to go for exercise walks and knock out 3-4 miles/day and along with eating normal portions, she was able to loose a good chunck of weight and kept it off for years, but the last 3-4 years has seen a slow & steady increase. I've noticed that she doesn't eat a lot of food unless she's cramming it down at work which I don't think she does as there are no fast-food charges on the debit card from lunches. I created her an MFP account, put the app on her iPad and I've shown her how to use it and she see's me logging everything I eat and I'm sure recognizes that it's easy. I do all the cooking when I'm home and she enjoy's eating healthy meals (or seems to), but i'm sure that because of her sedentary lifestyle, her metabolism has taken a nose dive.
I have to do something to force some changes soon. Before she got pregnant, she used phentermine (prescribed by our Doc) for 3-4 months to kickstart healthy changes, weaned herself off of it, but continued to eat right and exercise 3-4 days/week. Should I suggest to her to talk to the Doc about getting back on phentermine?
I'm at the point where I'm ready to leave a loving letter to her where she'll find it after I've left for work, explaining my pain and frustration and begging her to find motivation for her family.
Please help, I've found my motivation in my son, I want to be there for him and very active with him, but leaving my wife at home while we go do things such as a simple bike ride to a nearby park and back is heart wrenching.
The last few years have been especially difficult, I got layed off from a GREAT job and even though I'm making more $ now, the job is difficult (oil field), I'm gone 2 weeks at a time, and she's working full time as a nurse to support the family with insurance and good pay as well. In the last 4 years we've gone thru countless miscarriages and even the doctor has suggested to her to loose weight. The emotional toll of the both of our struggle with our weight is undeniable, but it's hard to talk about it anymore as nothing seems to really ever change.
Our child is growing up to be an EXTREMELY active kiddo and I'm so proud of him, he'd rather ride his bike, go to the ranch, beach, or pretty much do anything other than watch TV or play video games, so I consider that a success. But in the case of my wife, she's regressed to the couch and watching TV when she's at home.
I'm noticing that our kid wants nothing more than to play with her, but it's to the point where her weight is limited what she's capable of doing and I can see that she hurts when she does try to keep up with him and at 7 he's realizing that she's not physically capable of doing a lot of things he wants her to do with him. This in turn hurts me and makes me frustrated at the same time, but I've been keeping silent to avoid saying something hurtful. She recognizes it too.
We've both battled with weight issues, before our child was born we both lost a bunch of weight, I've been yo-yo'ing since he was born and she's been steady gaining. I bought her a bike (a REALLY nice one) modified it to make it as comfortable as possible, which it now sits in the garage; I bought her a SOL elliptical (did a lot of research and spent a lot of $ on an upper tier one) which now collects dust in the dining room.
I'm really at the end of the rope. She recognizes that her size limits her, and I think it stresses her out, but I have to figure something else out soon. It breaks my heart seeing what's happening. Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.
She used to go for exercise walks and knock out 3-4 miles/day and along with eating normal portions, she was able to loose a good chunck of weight and kept it off for years, but the last 3-4 years has seen a slow & steady increase. I've noticed that she doesn't eat a lot of food unless she's cramming it down at work which I don't think she does as there are no fast-food charges on the debit card from lunches. I created her an MFP account, put the app on her iPad and I've shown her how to use it and she see's me logging everything I eat and I'm sure recognizes that it's easy. I do all the cooking when I'm home and she enjoy's eating healthy meals (or seems to), but i'm sure that because of her sedentary lifestyle, her metabolism has taken a nose dive.
I have to do something to force some changes soon. Before she got pregnant, she used phentermine (prescribed by our Doc) for 3-4 months to kickstart healthy changes, weaned herself off of it, but continued to eat right and exercise 3-4 days/week. Should I suggest to her to talk to the Doc about getting back on phentermine?
I'm at the point where I'm ready to leave a loving letter to her where she'll find it after I've left for work, explaining my pain and frustration and begging her to find motivation for her family.
Please help, I've found my motivation in my son, I want to be there for him and very active with him, but leaving my wife at home while we go do things such as a simple bike ride to a nearby park and back is heart wrenching.
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Replies
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Reading your post, I'd almost say she has some form of depression. I was a nurse who worked full time with active kids at home and a husband that was deployed overseas for a year. I also retreated to the couch and eventually ended up on medication. I don't mean to play internet doctor, but before you give her the Dear John letter I'd see if maybe she's depressed.24
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It is possible she is depressed as the previous poster mentioned or it could simply be she's just struggling with her weight and really doesn't know how to get a handle on things. I gained a lot of weight before I finally decided to really do something about it. Partly because the whole thing seemed so overwhelming and partly because I was just lazy and wasn't really ready to do anything about it.
You can't force her to do anything.
I would talk to her about things and I would be honest. I would tell her I'm concerned, I would point out my reasons for being concerned, and I would listen (can't stress this part enough) to her when she responds. Does she want to do something about the weight? Is she just finding the whole thing overwhelming? Is she depressed?
And after that conversation I would leave it alone. You can't make your spouse lose weight or be healthy. You can only control yourself.3 -
_dracarys_ wrote: »Reading your post, I'd almost say she has some form of depression. I was a nurse who worked full time with active kids at home and a husband that was deployed overseas for a year. I also retreated to the couch and eventually ended up on medication. I don't mean to play internet doctor, but before you give her the Dear John letter I'd see if maybe she's depressed.
I had the same thought. She went through multiple miscarriages. Most women don't snap out of that easily. Add to that the stress of you losing your job and her being a single parent half of the time on top of a stressful job...sounds like a fantastic recipe for depression. I would gently ask her how she is doing. Have a loving conversation with her. Not about her weight, but about her mental health. Ask her if she would like to see a Dr. or a therapist if she indicates she is struggling.16 -
mom23mangos wrote: »_dracarys_ wrote: »Reading your post, I'd almost say she has some form of depression. I was a nurse who worked full time with active kids at home and a husband that was deployed overseas for a year. I also retreated to the couch and eventually ended up on medication. I don't mean to play internet doctor, but before you give her the Dear John letter I'd see if maybe she's depressed.
I had the same thought. She went through multiple miscarriages. Most women don't snap out of that easily. Add to that the stress of you losing your job and her being a single parent half 2/3rds of the time on top of a stressful job...sounds like a fantastic recipe for depression. I would gently ask her how she is doing. Have a loving conversation with her. Not about her weight, but about her mental health. Ask her if she would like to see a Dr. or a therapist if she indicates she is struggling.
Agreed. Not to mention that miscarriages can cause hormonal imbalances that affect both mood and weight too. And loneliness could be a factor too. As can lack of intimacy in a marriage (it could be making her feel worse, plus she is missing out on some feel good hormones that are released during those activities).
I assume you work 2 and 1 rotations?1 -
Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage. I've said things that I can't take back but it has been about a year since I've said ANYTHING to her in regards to her physical condition and I'm afraid it's to the point where she either begins her journey or the the both of us and our son(7) have to accept the situation somehow. My sister pulled me aside and told me that the topic of her weight should be off limits as far as me talking to her, but it's my wife's health that I'm worried about, she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more.
The last few years have been especially difficult, I got layed off from a GREAT job and even though I'm making more $ now, the job is difficult (oil field), I'm gone 2 weeks at a time, and she's working full time as a nurse to support the family with insurance and good pay as well. In the last 4 years we've gone thru countless miscarriages and even the doctor has suggested to her to loose weight. The emotional toll of the both of our struggle with our weight is undeniable, but it's hard to talk about it anymore as nothing seems to really ever change.
Our child is growing up to be an EXTREMELY active kiddo and I'm so proud of him, he'd rather ride his bike, go to the ranch, beach, or pretty much do anything other than watch TV or play video games, so I consider that a success. But in the case of my wife, she's regressed to the couch and watching TV when she's at home.
I'm noticing that our kid wants nothing more than to play with her, but it's to the point where her weight is limited what she's capable of doing and I can see that she hurts when she does try to keep up with him and at 7 he's realizing that she's not physically capable of doing a lot of things he wants her to do with him. This in turn hurts me and makes me frustrated at the same time, but I've been keeping silent to avoid saying something hurtful. She recognizes it too.
We've both battled with weight issues, before our child was born we both lost a bunch of weight, I've been yo-yo'ing since he was born and she's been steady gaining. I bought her a bike (a REALLY nice one) modified it to make it as comfortable as possible, which it now sits in the garage; I bought her a SOL elliptical (did a lot of research and spent a lot of $ on an upper tier one) which now collects dust in the dining room.
I'm really at the end of the rope. She recognizes that her size limits her, and I think it stresses her out, but I have to figure something else out soon. It breaks my heart seeing what's happening. Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.
She used to go for exercise walks and knock out 3-4 miles/day and along with eating normal portions, she was able to loose a good chunck of weight and kept it off for years, but the last 3-4 years has seen a slow & steady increase. I've noticed that she doesn't eat a lot of food unless she's cramming it down at work which I don't think she does as there are no fast-food charges on the debit card from lunches. I created her an MFP account, put the app on her iPad and I've shown her how to use it and she see's me logging everything I eat and I'm sure recognizes that it's easy. I do all the cooking when I'm home and she enjoy's eating healthy meals (or seems to), but i'm sure that because of her sedentary lifestyle, her metabolism has taken a nose dive.
I have to do something to force some changes soon. Before she got pregnant, she used phentermine (prescribed by our Doc) for 3-4 months to kickstart healthy changes, weaned herself off of it, but continued to eat right and exercise 3-4 days/week. Should I suggest to her to talk to the Doc about getting back on phentermine?
I'm at the point where I'm ready to leave a loving letter to her where she'll find it after I've left for work, explaining my pain and frustration and begging her to find motivation for her family.
Please help, I've found my motivation in my son, I want to be there for him and very active with him, but leaving my wife at home while we go do things such as a simple bike ride to a nearby park and back is heart wrenching.
So which is it? Her health or how it looks?
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Yes this sounds like depression. Has she seen a doctor?mrsnattybulking wrote: »Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage. I've said things that I can't take back but it has been about a year since I've said ANYTHING to her in regards to her physical condition and I'm afraid it's to the point where she either begins her journey or the the both of us and our son(7) have to accept the situation somehow. My sister pulled me aside and told me that the topic of her weight should be off limits as far as me talking to her, but it's my wife's health that I'm worried about, she's 4'11 so 10lbs on her looks like 30lbs on me at 6', but it also weighs down her small frame that much more.
The last few years have been especially difficult, I got layed off from a GREAT job and even though I'm making more $ now, the job is difficult (oil field), I'm gone 2 weeks at a time, and she's working full time as a nurse to support the family with insurance and good pay as well. In the last 4 years we've gone thru countless miscarriages and even the doctor has suggested to her to loose weight. The emotional toll of the both of our struggle with our weight is undeniable, but it's hard to talk about it anymore as nothing seems to really ever change.
Our child is growing up to be an EXTREMELY active kiddo and I'm so proud of him, he'd rather ride his bike, go to the ranch, beach, or pretty much do anything other than watch TV or play video games, so I consider that a success. But in the case of my wife, she's regressed to the couch and watching TV when she's at home.
I'm noticing that our kid wants nothing more than to play with her, but it's to the point where her weight is limited what she's capable of doing and I can see that she hurts when she does try to keep up with him and at 7 he's realizing that she's not physically capable of doing a lot of things he wants her to do with him. This in turn hurts me and makes me frustrated at the same time, but I've been keeping silent to avoid saying something hurtful. She recognizes it too.
We've both battled with weight issues, before our child was born we both lost a bunch of weight, I've been yo-yo'ing since he was born and she's been steady gaining. I bought her a bike (a REALLY nice one) modified it to make it as comfortable as possible, which it now sits in the garage; I bought her a SOL elliptical (did a lot of research and spent a lot of $ on an upper tier one) which now collects dust in the dining room.
I'm really at the end of the rope. She recognizes that her size limits her, and I think it stresses her out, but I have to figure something else out soon. It breaks my heart seeing what's happening. Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.
She used to go for exercise walks and knock out 3-4 miles/day and along with eating normal portions, she was able to loose a good chunck of weight and kept it off for years, but the last 3-4 years has seen a slow & steady increase. I've noticed that she doesn't eat a lot of food unless she's cramming it down at work which I don't think she does as there are no fast-food charges on the debit card from lunches. I created her an MFP account, put the app on her iPad and I've shown her how to use it and she see's me logging everything I eat and I'm sure recognizes that it's easy. I do all the cooking when I'm home and she enjoy's eating healthy meals (or seems to), but i'm sure that because of her sedentary lifestyle, her metabolism has taken a nose dive.
I have to do something to force some changes soon. Before she got pregnant, she used phentermine (prescribed by our Doc) for 3-4 months to kickstart healthy changes, weaned herself off of it, but continued to eat right and exercise 3-4 days/week. Should I suggest to her to talk to the Doc about getting back on phentermine?
I'm at the point where I'm ready to leave a loving letter to her where she'll find it after I've left for work, explaining my pain and frustration and begging her to find motivation for her family.
Please help, I've found my motivation in my son, I want to be there for him and very active with him, but leaving my wife at home while we go do things such as a simple bike ride to a nearby park and back is heart wrenching.
So which is it? Her health or how it looks?
Also, this.7 -
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Ugh, this is so tough! I feel for you both. I agree with everyone that she sounds depressed. I agree with you that you need to express your feelings to her, but ALWAYS in a loving way. We women are emotional and when it comes to our weigh, it's very touchy. But you obviously love her and care about her well being. As with text messages, letters may not be able to portray the empathy and love the way you want it to come out. I would suggest jotting down some points about what you want to say to her, that you love her and are worried about her, you just want her to be happy, you miss her, you need her in you and your sons life. If you want to bring up the weight issue, which it may not be the right time for, I would suggest blaming it on yourself, ie. that you are worried about your weight and you need her help, maybe she can go on a walk after dinner each night with you and your son (when you are home) because you need the motivation from her. Exercise will help with the depression. I would definitely suggest professional help, but you may want to look into natural alternatives as well (I am all about those).
I lived with a depressed husband for years who was overweight and couldn't get out of it and couldn't get motivated to do anything about it. I know how tough, frustrating, sad and hard it can be. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope it all works out for you!1 -
Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.
For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.
I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.
I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.
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mom23mangos wrote: »_dracarys_ wrote: »Reading your post, I'd almost say she has some form of depression. I was a nurse who worked full time with active kids at home and a husband that was deployed overseas for a year. I also retreated to the couch and eventually ended up on medication. I don't mean to play internet doctor, but before you give her the Dear John letter I'd see if maybe she's depressed.
I had the same thought. She went through multiple miscarriages. Most women don't snap out of that easily. Add to that the stress of you losing your job and her being a single parent half 2/3rds of the time on top of a stressful job...sounds like a fantastic recipe for depression. I would gently ask her how she is doing. Have a loving conversation with her. Not about her weight, but about her mental health. Ask her if she would like to see a Dr. or a therapist if she indicates she is struggling.
Agreed. Not to mention that miscarriages can cause hormonal imbalances that affect both mood and weight too. And loneliness could be a factor too. As can lack of intimacy in a marriage (it could be making her feel worse, plus she is missing out on some feel good hormones that are released during those activities).
I assume you work 2 and 1 rotations?
I'm working 14/14 (I'm a mud engineer)
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Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...I don't ask because that's another sensitive subject.
For those of you who misinterpreted a few words of my first post, it's about being healthy and active and being able to participate in a way with the family that brings happiness.
I've been yo-yo'ing because every time I drop 20-30lbs and get into the groove of really starting to feel good about it, I get depressed because my progress isn't motivating her to find her groove which knocks me off the wagon.
I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.
The part I bolded isn't always true. I knew I needed to see a counselor when I was being more active, losing, and it wasn't helping with the depression. While it can certainly make a difference for many, it won't always. She has suffer many losses. I'm not trying to say you haven't, but you are coping differently from how she is coping. Maybe some grief counseling (or counseling in general) would help. Sounds like you may want to be careful about your wording. She's in a very painful place and I doubt you want to hurt her.
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When I was at the point your wife is at, I was miserable. I had given up on life. It wasn't until my bf had an online affair did I take a serious look at myself. My weight affected me so negatively that I was caught in a doom cycle of *kitten* about weight, cry, be miserable and then eat my sorrows. It was toxic and brought me to near 400lbs!!!! It was pure misery. When my bf had the online relationship, instead of blaming him and writing him off, I took a serious look in the mirror and realized I wasn't giving him my best. I was giving him left overs from a better time. I loved him enough to take my share of the blame and change things. I still have a long way to go weight wise, but I've come a long way too.
Now I don't recommend you have an affair, cause though it worked with me it still very negatively affected our relationship and 8 months since it ended we still struggle to get passed it. However, I suggest you be subtle. You cook at home, great! Make her lunches and snacks. Maybe when you are home suggest going for walks together. Get her an Xbox with Kinect to play with your son and only Kinect games. It's physical activity without seeming like it. Be gentle. Making her more sorrowful about her weight will make things worse. All you can ultimately do is support her, tell her you worry if her health. You love her and want a long happy life with her.
Good luck and please dear friend, update us.
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I don't know that what I'm going to say adds much to the conversation, except that perhaps being in an echo chamber can be helpful. The place to begin is with having a genuine open and caring, judgment-free conversation about her mental health. If she's hurting psychologically, she's probably not going to have that "come to God" moment where she realizes she's physically unhealthy and needs to change. Once that's addressed, you can begin making *SMALL* steps toward a more active lifestyle. Don't expect her to become super active overnight, but you can do little things, like walks together as a family when you're home and trips to the beach where you rent those multi-person bicycles on the boardwalk (that might be an East Coast thing come to think of it) or go snorkeling. Helping her make small changes will make the task much less daunting. All the best.0
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Admittedly I have completely failed my wife in approaching the subject of getting healthier in a positive manner. I have used words that hurt and am lucky that I didn't destroy my marriage.
Leave your poor wife alone. I guarantee she knows she's overweight and it's affecting her life. Be the best husband and father you can be by loving and supporting your family no matter what -- whether you are loving an overweight family or a thin one. If my spouse used language so hurtful that it nearly ended my marriage to tell me I was fat and that they were no longer attracted to me, you can bet I wouldn't be open to what they were trying to say.
I agree that a depression screening is probably a good idea, if she's open to it.12 -
If her issues are so severe that she has basic hygiene issues that are preventing intimate contact I would also think major depression. I am an oilfield wife and I find a lot of us struggle with depression more so because we are always.goddamn.alone. Especially if you live in an isolated rig town like we do.
Keep in mind that if her problems fulfilling an active role in your family are more mental that physical that weight loss might not even touch the issue. I lost all the weight, I run a heavy training load and have a season full of marathons and ultramarathons in session- this hasn't magically alleviated my psych problems. My OCD depressive episodes don't gaf how much I weigh you know, if they want me on the floor I'm on the floor.
I hope she sees her doctor and can divise a plan of action that will satisfy you both!7 -
So you created an MFP account for her, she's a member of this site and she's most likely reading this. And she'll know it's her hubby poo spilling the beans on her because you included a photo of yourself. Nice. Very nice.
He's asking for help, not for you to knock him for asking for it. The chances of her seeing this aren't that likely. People use these forums to get help all the time. If you are here to make someone feel bad about it, then you are here for the wrong reasons. He loves her enough to ask for help. There may be information in this thread that he didn't know about that will bring some comfort to or light on his situation. I would take the risk asking if I cared about my spouse, and I think a lot of others would too.12 -
If she's a member of the site and also sees him using the site constantly while he's logging his food, it's actually very likely that she will read this thread.
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If she is even on MFP. I wouldn't care that my husband was logging food on a site or an app. It took me years to even start using my Instagram account that I had. When I first started using MFP years ago, I didn't go on the community forums. So what if he asks for help. Even if she saw it, we don't know who she is or he is and he's asking for help, admitting he's wrong.0 -
How about setting up a regular date night where you two take say dance lessons together. It is fun exercise and also sexy date time all in one6
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If she's a member of the site and also sees him using the site constantly while he's logging his food, it's actually very likely that she will read this thread.
Maybe that will give her the motivation to begin her journey again if she does see it! She may realize her husband does not want to hurt her by mentioning her weight, but wants to know how to help her otherwise.
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You stated that she is on some kind of medication for depression/anxiety. Sometimes those medications can make it feel harder to lose weight. (Usually it's because they mess with appetite centers, not because they slow metabolism.) It's a tough balance
![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
Do you know the last time she had her thyroid levels checked? That can contribute to both weight issues and mood/depression issues.
As for the rest, she has to want a change before anything you do feels like anything other than criticism. She needs to know that you love and support her for her, regardless of her body. Talk with her - not necessarily about your concerns, but just about "stuff." When you are home, pick up as much of the housework and cooking as possible so that she has a bit more free time to spend with you and your son. Invite her to go on walks with you. It might not feel like a workout to you, but she's moving and with you and you. Don't make it about weight, don't make it about her health (she might be getting touchy about that, as well, because she knows she's not healthy and depression can twist that too), just make it about you wanting to spend time with her because you love her. As someone who has dealt with chronic depression for most of my life, I can tell you that your support for her no matter what she looks like is super important. Keep doing it, even if she pushes you away - she probably will for a while at first.
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