How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?
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Oh man, I know that it's sooooo difficult to watch someone you love doing things that are unhealthy.
I'm not sure if this will help, but here's my thoughts as someone who is also overweight and depressed:
1. reassure her and say supportive things to her - help her rebuild her self-esteem
2. when you're home, take her on a date that involves some activity (like mini golf, a picnic with a short walk, etc.) you'll need to be in a place where she can rest periodically, but get her moving by moving with her
3. Maybe suggest some counseling for the both of you - it sounds like your job and her health have strained your ability to communicate, and when that goes, then other facets of your relationship can also suffer. If insurance doesn't cover professional counseling, you can sometimes find support in a local community center or church.
Good luck!1 -
I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.1
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Others have said it. You cannot change her. She needs to want to change bad enough to do it.
It sounds like a mental health issue but I am no psychiatrist.
If she seeks counseling or gets a medical checkup perhaps you can talk with her doctor(s) about your concerns - but without her being present.
Perhaps a therapist can help her get to the bottom of it or her MD can talk her her about it and help her with the necessary lifestyle changes.
This takes you out of it and you won't be the "Bad Guy." Instead you could be regarded as the caring and supportive husband you seem to want to be.0 -
Also I will say, that if my husband said anything to me about my weight I would be so self conscious and it probably wouldnt go well. To be honest when I started on MFP I didnt even tell my husband until after a month because I typically start something and dont finish it. I decided I was ready to get healthy and get to a healthy BMI, and honestly besides making me feel bad about myself, I dont think my husband telling me I was getting fat would have done anything except create tension in our marriage. As for the other problems. refer to my other post, go to counseling, if these issues come up in your sessions, then so be it, but it will be in a better environment and it might come across better then just telling her in your home.1
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This is a hard subject for anyone. After my husband and I got married we moved half way across the country from all of our friends and family...my husband was a Marine and it was his next duty station. About half the time we lived there he was gone...training, overseas, places I couldn't know about. I had a hard time making many friends since we lived off base and the job market there was terrible. All that combined sent me into a depression...I was so numb when he was gone, and I am normally such a bubbly person. I gained weight and didn't feel at all like myself. My husband also went through some depression and weight gain when he got out of the military.
Us being unhealthy and gaining the weight we did was straining on our marriage, from both sides. It wasn't about the physical aspect - we still can't keep our hand off each other - but about how it was changing us both mentally. When we moved I was not the wife he needed me to be all the time, and then when we moved again after his contract ended he was not always the husband I needed. Weirdly that came with the weight gain, or vice versa.
We had some hard conversations...the key of which is that we never blamed each other for our own frustrations...we tried our best to express our own issues, understand each other's positions, and make sure the other knew that no matter what this was a stick it out, deep down, work together, love each other through our struggles kind of marriage. Make sure she knows that. If you have hurt her in the past with your words (as stated in the original post), it could be hard for her to not think of that when you bring it up now, but make sure she knows that you are coming from a place of love and concern.
No matter what, be a team...make it about "us" getting healthier...having a healthy and active family. Being able to run around with your grandkids...having more years together.- Take a cooking class together specifically for healthy eating
- If you are away a lot go on walks "together"...be one the phone and talk about your day
- Read the same book about health and well being and create your own little "book club"
- Challenge each other - whoever walks the most while I'm gone wins blank
Make sure she knows it's about you being a team...a stronger, healthier team!6 -
I can speak from exactly the same experience. Of all the things you may think you have to do the one thing you do have to do is love your wife. You have to be honest with her about your needs - fair enough. With regards to what you think she needs to do it's not your choice, it is your wife's choice, it is your wife's body - love her for who she is, that's it.
If your wife doesn't want to lose weight, or in our case doesn't want to put the required effort in, it is still her choice. I love my wife and have for the last 30 years since we met. I would dearly like her to be healthier though my utmost desire is that she is happy, whatever that takes.
We have been through all that you have, I work away all week, sex was non-existent, we didn't like each others bodies, etc. We still love each, the important thing is to be there for her. Make time for both your wife and your son, as a family or separately if your wife doesn't want to do something. My wife hates cycling, I love it, so I cycle when I am staying in London. The most important thing is that your wife is your first priority, your son is a very close second.
And I dis-agree entirely with those berating you for talking to a bunch of strangers - the only people you really can tell would be a bunch of strangers.
Do your thing, lose the weight for you and don't allow others to be an excuse for you giving up. It has taken me 10 years to figure that out.
Good luck and love her with all your heart.5 -
kevinf2380 wrote: »I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.
Oh dear Kevin please tell me what my female mind is capable of. Do your wife a favor Kevinf2380 and get that divorce.13 -
My husband was 330 lbs years ago. I didn't have a huge weight problem but my weight did go up and up to a high of 180lbs through our marriage. I didn't even notice it until I saw myself in a full length mirror at some dance lessons we took. I actually saw myself and thought that poor girl needs to lose some weight and then realized it was me! I was shocked. Anyhow, my husband had already lost about 50-60 lbs at that point but he wasn't doing it very healthily. He was eating like 1000 calories a day and no fruits or veggies but always room for sweets. Not very inspiring. I thought I would rather be fat than do what he was doing. Then I tried Medifast, lost 30 lbs and then gained it back. Then I tried counting calories and found myself starving and miserable. I didn't understand macros. But somewhere along the line, my husband started doing research, lifting weights and really eating well. I watched him transform into this HOT man that I never knew. He never spoke to me about my weight or health. He was just an amazing example and inspiration for me. He invited me to workout with him, just for company. I watched him in awe. Then someone else introduced me to Fitbit and I told hubby about it. He bought me one and I really enjoyed using it to walk more and reach goals. My husband then got one and took it one step further, linking it to MFP. He never told me what to do, but as I saw him succeeding more and more I followed along. I can tell you he was truly inspiring me, but you should also know it is hard sometimes to now go through the same amount of work and see less visible results on myself. We do the same lifting now, and the same eating, and he is visually changing much faster than I. It's hard when I see that, but I have learned that that is the difference between men and women. However, I do feel better than I did before. I have embraced health, simply following my husbands inspiration. He never nagged me, he never told me what I should or shouldn't do. He just showed me with his own journey. I don't know if this helps or not. I have since lost 35 lbs and he has lost 130 lbs. He has also gained a lot of muscle. I suppose I have too, but I still can't see mine. Maybe some day.... We are both 40 and healthier than we have ever been thanks to his example.8
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kevinf2380 wrote: »I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.
Oh dear.7 -
kevinf2380 wrote: »I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.
Oh dear Kevin please tell me what my female mind is capable of. Do your wife a favor Kevinf2380 and get that divorce.
Wow, why so defensive?0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Ironandwine69 wrote: »Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
It works for everything with my husband
That's actually considered abuse. Information via studying psychology... I'd leave if my BF did that. If she's depressed, been through miscarriages etc, he should be patient and supportive and try to help her. Positive reinforcement makes more sense.
Besides. He's already withdrawn sex for at least 6 months. He could just ask her to shower with him beforehand as foreplay. But instead, he just doesn't touch her. He even said he doesn't cuddle with her anymore.Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.
Yes, which is not good at all. One of the first signs of an unhealthy relationship that you'd be taught in counseling or therapy is how it is wrong to withdraw intimacy just because the person is doing something you dislike - gaining weight would likely qualify. Refusing to even cuddle would be insane... Showering before would be a great idea!2 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »kevinf2380 wrote: »I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.
Oh dear.
I said A LOT not all women. Geez, haha0 -
kevinf2380 wrote: »kevinf2380 wrote: »I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.
Oh dear Kevin please tell me what my female mind is capable of. Do your wife a favor Kevinf2380 and get that divorce.
Wow, why so defensive?
Women aren't incapable of empathy. Some of us actually can understand situations other than our own and the emotions other people may be feeling.
That you think women are generally incapable of this says much more about you than it does about women.11 -
kevinf2380 wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »kevinf2380 wrote: »I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.
Oh dear.
I said A LOT not all women. Geez, haha
Suggesting cheating is even any kind of option? Seriously? SMH. That's ridiculous and horrible. And if his wife has been through miscarriages and is depressed it isn't women who should be siding with her, at least partially - it's everyone. Yes, she should take care of her health physically, but at this point, it sounds like her mental health needs to come first. She sounds like she's really down and not motivated. It's nearly impossible to lose weight if you are mentally and emotionally unprepared. Therapy is a good idea, but she probably needs her own.4 -
Here is my broad generalization of all women who have never had any sort of trans-gender procedures and identify themselves as such:
"They were probably girls when they were younger."
There may be exceptions I didn't think of... Next?
Back to the topic?4 -
Here is my broad generalization of all women who have never had any sort of trans-gender procedures and identify themselves as such:
"They were girls when they were younger."
There are probably still exceptions I didn't think of... Next?
Back to the topic?
Sounds similar to my generalization of men! : "They each have a penis." with a few exceptions (maybe some have two? Is that a medical thing?...)2 -
Could depend on lifestyle choices and a few other factors, I'd think.Verity1111 wrote: »Here is my broad generalization of all women who have never had any sort of trans-gender procedures and identify themselves as such:
"They were girls when they were younger."
There are probably still exceptions I didn't think of... Next?
Back to the topic?
Sounds similar to my generalization of men! : "They each have a penis." with a few exceptions (maybe some have two? Is that a medical thing?...)
Born-with, after-market items, OEM...
I'm not an authority on the subject, I have had the standard-issued number of them for as long as I can remember.
And I'm not the foremost expert on the just the one.
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Oh my gosh....such a hard post. I dont even know where to start. Well the way you said it is fantastic. You sound very supportive and truly concerned with her health which i applaud. I want my husband around for a long time and would have a hard time bring it up to him if i had to. And i am sure approaching a woman is so much more scary. I would definitely approach her from the health standpoint 100%. Never mention numbers how much she has gained or how much she should lose, focus 100% health. Tell her you are worried about your son missing out on memories with her? Maybe go to a counselor and talk about it with her and a 3rd party? They might be able to help with some of the miscarriage grief as well. I am not sure if it's depression or if she is just able to kind of do it because you aren't around and there is no accountability and it is easier. And food makes you feel better. i wasn't depressed the last round that i gained 70 pounds so it's not always depression. And it's a hard funk to get out of. Just do it with love and care in mind and i hope it goes well for you! Hopefully for your whole family.1
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You clearly have a communication problem in your marriage. I'd suggest marriage counseling, if possible - at least for yourself if not together. A therapist might be able to suggest ways to approach the situation more effectively, so it's worth looking into. If everything has become a "sensitive issue" that can't be discussed, what can you talk about? How can you move forward?
Sounds like she's already being treated for depression and/or anxiety, and you feel like you can't even talk to her about that. She's definitely depressed. She lacks motivation to improve, she doesn't appear to care about herself, her hygiene is suffering. Those are clear signs. I hope she's not just taking medication. She needs therapy as well. She has a history of personal trauma (miscarriages, etc.) that clearly needs to be worked through. Meds can take the edge off and help you get to a place where you can begin to confront the underlying problems, but if you don't work through your issues, they won't ever be solved.
Sure, you can't make someone change, but sometimes people need help recognizing the severity of their problems. They often feel trapped and unable to take action. It's extremely hard for depressed people to find their way out of the darkness alone. And they usually want help, but don't know how to ask. They are often ashamed of their inability to cope. If her current treatment isn't working, she needs additional help. She might be so wrapped up in her funk that she doesn't realize the toll it's talking on others.
This situation sounds utterly demoralizing for all involved. If it was me, I'd honestly worry about getting sucked down with her into the gloom. You probably don't want the rest of your life to look like this. (She doesn't either.) That's not fair to anyone. Hopefully, you can find a way to reach her and make some positive changes in how you interact before YOU start to go downhill, too. It can and will get better, but it will take patience and sensitivity on your part and it will require her to accept help, to want to get better, and to begin making small changes. So both of you need to work at this. She really needs to know how you feel (but without any blame and shame and with emphasis on how you still love her and want to help her get better.) She already feels terrible about this and that's why she's so sensitive. But you have feelings, too - you deserve to be able to share your feelings with your spouse and she deserves to know how you're feeling. I'd want to know.
Good luck!
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I was in your wife's position. My family would mention my losing weight and I would just refuse to engage. In 2015 I was 378 Lbs, my health was bad and I was miserable. On January 2, 2016, I made a decision to eat healthier. For me it was that simple - once I started I never looked back. I did tell my family not to be critical of my choices, i.e if I ate something they didn't think was good for me - I didn't want to hear about it - as I knew it would not be helpful. I am the only person who can make life choices for myself as it takes huge will power, motivation and determination to lose as much weight as I needed to. Losing weight is a personal choice and I have found that when I tried to lose weight for someone else, it was never effective because I was just trying to placate someone else's feelings. I would ditch the diet the first moment I could.
That being said, I am now 197 Lbs down and 181 Lbs. I still have 66 Lbs to lose but my joy and happiness has increased with every bit of loss I have achieved. My family certainly helped me to keep at the work and give me support and motivation.
The depression angle could possible be true as I do realize now that I was in a depression that I couldn't out of then. I had no idea then and if somebody would have suggested it, I would have probably ignored that as I was so far gone that I thought was too old and too fat to do anything about my weight. I was 49 at the time.
I have a brother who is about the same weight or more than I was back then. He's watched me go through my transformation so far and I truly wish I had a way to get through to him. I had hoped I could encourage by example but that hasn't happened. I can't bring myself to suggest he lose weight because I am sure it would go about as well as it would have with me. I do try to entice him with activities that I think he would like. That hasn't worked all that well either but I'm still hopeful. He did buy a simply fit board to work out on but then he got hurt and hasn't it used it as much.
I wish you the best of luck with your wife and I hope you are successful in convincing her to do something about her health. Maybe fun activities with your child.
I feel your pain and I truly wish I could be more helpful as I've been there but I don't know the magic words.
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