How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?

124

Replies

  • GingerPwr
    GingerPwr Posts: 1,979 Member
    Oh man, I know that it's sooooo difficult to watch someone you love doing things that are unhealthy.
    I'm not sure if this will help, but here's my thoughts as someone who is also overweight and depressed:

    1. reassure her and say supportive things to her - help her rebuild her self-esteem
    2. when you're home, take her on a date that involves some activity (like mini golf, a picnic with a short walk, etc.) you'll need to be in a place where she can rest periodically, but get her moving by moving with her
    3. Maybe suggest some counseling for the both of you - it sounds like your job and her health have strained your ability to communicate, and when that goes, then other facets of your relationship can also suffer. If insurance doesn't cover professional counseling, you can sometimes find support in a local community center or church.

    Good luck!
  • kevinf2380
    kevinf2380 Posts: 256 Member
    I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    edited May 2017
    Others have said it. You cannot change her. She needs to want to change bad enough to do it.
    It sounds like a mental health issue but I am no psychiatrist.
    If she seeks counseling or gets a medical checkup perhaps you can talk with her doctor(s) about your concerns - but without her being present.
    Perhaps a therapist can help her get to the bottom of it or her MD can talk her her about it and help her with the necessary lifestyle changes.

    This takes you out of it and you won't be the "Bad Guy." Instead you could be regarded as the caring and supportive husband you seem to want to be.
  • laurenebargar
    laurenebargar Posts: 3,081 Member
    Also I will say, that if my husband said anything to me about my weight I would be so self conscious and it probably wouldnt go well. To be honest when I started on MFP I didnt even tell my husband until after a month because I typically start something and dont finish it. I decided I was ready to get healthy and get to a healthy BMI, and honestly besides making me feel bad about myself, I dont think my husband telling me I was getting fat would have done anything except create tension in our marriage. As for the other problems. refer to my other post, go to counseling, if these issues come up in your sessions, then so be it, but it will be in a better environment and it might come across better then just telling her in your home.
  • kevinf2380
    kevinf2380 Posts: 256 Member
    Sara2652 wrote: »
    kevinf2380 wrote: »
    I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.

    Oh dear Kevin please tell me what my female mind is capable of. Do your wife a favor Kevinf2380 and get that divorce.

    Wow, why so defensive?
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    VeryKatie wrote: »
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Threaten to withdraw sex if they don't get healthy.
    It works for everything with my husband

    That's actually considered abuse. Information via studying psychology... I'd leave if my BF did that. If she's depressed, been through miscarriages etc, he should be patient and supportive and try to help her. Positive reinforcement makes more sense.

    Besides. He's already withdrawn sex for at least 6 months. He could just ask her to shower with him beforehand as foreplay. But instead, he just doesn't touch her. He even said he doesn't cuddle with her anymore.
    shank3r wrote: »
    Intimacy is out the window as in the last 6 months her size has negatively affected hygiene.

    Yes, which is not good at all. One of the first signs of an unhealthy relationship that you'd be taught in counseling or therapy is how it is wrong to withdraw intimacy just because the person is doing something you dislike - gaining weight would likely qualify. Refusing to even cuddle would be insane... Showering before would be a great idea!
  • kevinf2380
    kevinf2380 Posts: 256 Member
    kevinf2380 wrote: »
    I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.

    Oh dear.

    I said A LOT not all women. Geez, haha
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
    kevinf2380 wrote: »
    kevinf2380 wrote: »
    I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.

    Oh dear.

    I said A LOT not all women. Geez, haha

    Suggesting cheating is even any kind of option? Seriously? SMH. That's ridiculous and horrible. And if his wife has been through miscarriages and is depressed it isn't women who should be siding with her, at least partially - it's everyone. Yes, she should take care of her health physically, but at this point, it sounds like her mental health needs to come first. She sounds like she's really down and not motivated. It's nearly impossible to lose weight if you are mentally and emotionally unprepared. Therapy is a good idea, but she probably needs her own.
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    edited May 2017
    Here is my broad generalization of all women who have never had any sort of trans-gender procedures and identify themselves as such:

    "They were probably girls when they were younger."

    There may be exceptions I didn't think of... Next?

    Back to the topic?
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    Here is my broad generalization of all women who have never had any sort of trans-gender procedures and identify themselves as such:

    "They were girls when they were younger."

    There are probably still exceptions I didn't think of... Next?

    Back to the topic?

    Sounds similar to my generalization of men! : "They each have a penis." with a few exceptions (maybe some have two? Is that a medical thing?...)
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    edited May 2017
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    Here is my broad generalization of all women who have never had any sort of trans-gender procedures and identify themselves as such:

    "They were girls when they were younger."

    There are probably still exceptions I didn't think of... Next?

    Back to the topic?

    Sounds similar to my generalization of men! : "They each have a penis." with a few exceptions (maybe some have two? Is that a medical thing?...)
    Could depend on lifestyle choices and a few other factors, I'd think.
    Born-with, after-market items, OEM...

    I'm not an authority on the subject, I have had the standard-issued number of them for as long as I can remember.
    And I'm not the foremost expert on the just the one.
  • danigirl1011
    danigirl1011 Posts: 314 Member
    Oh my gosh....such a hard post. I dont even know where to start. Well the way you said it is fantastic. You sound very supportive and truly concerned with her health which i applaud. I want my husband around for a long time and would have a hard time bring it up to him if i had to. And i am sure approaching a woman is so much more scary. I would definitely approach her from the health standpoint 100%. Never mention numbers how much she has gained or how much she should lose, focus 100% health. Tell her you are worried about your son missing out on memories with her? Maybe go to a counselor and talk about it with her and a 3rd party? They might be able to help with some of the miscarriage grief as well. I am not sure if it's depression or if she is just able to kind of do it because you aren't around and there is no accountability and it is easier. And food makes you feel better. i wasn't depressed the last round that i gained 70 pounds so it's not always depression. And it's a hard funk to get out of. Just do it with love and care in mind and i hope it goes well for you! Hopefully for your whole family.