How to talk to Spouse (Wife) about getting healthier?

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  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    Verity1111 wrote: »
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    Here is my broad generalization of all women who have never had any sort of trans-gender procedures and identify themselves as such:

    "They were girls when they were younger."

    There are probably still exceptions I didn't think of... Next?

    Back to the topic?

    Sounds similar to my generalization of men! : "They each have a penis." with a few exceptions (maybe some have two? Is that a medical thing?...)

    Yes. It's called diphallia. I've seen pics. Very odd-looking. Isn't the Internet wonderful?
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    edited May 2017
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    jenilla1 wrote: »
    Yes. It's called diphallia. I've seen pics. Very odd-looking. Isn't the Internet wonderful?
    I don't know if wonderful is the first word that comes to mind after seeing some things...

  • RuNaRoUnDaFiEld
    RuNaRoUnDaFiEld Posts: 5,864 Member
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    kevinf2380 wrote: »
    I think you'll have a hard time getting a constructive response from a lot of women on here. They'll take your wife's side immediately and can't put themselves in your shoes. I'm going through a similar thing now and it's been very tough. I've tried to help similar ways to what you've done outside of actually making MFP accounts. Your wife really does need to decide to get in shape not only for your marriage and her family but for herself. If she can't see how her health is not only good for her but your marriage it may be time to look into a divorce. I would try therapy first. There are other options like an open relationship or cheating. Those options will just bring up a bunch of different problems.

    Cheating an option for what?

    If my husband was depressed to the point of struggling with personal hygiene the last thing I'd do is cheat. I'd be loving him and motivating him to see he has a life waiting for him that he can enjoy.

  • bapity88
    bapity88 Posts: 98 Member
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    Talking to someone about their weight issues isn't inspiring to them and rarely helps the issue. I went from a size zero to a size 15 in 6 years. I'm sure my husband preferred me at my lower weight. But even as I was gaining weight, he told me I was beautiful. I got up to 189 at the beginning of this year, he still said I was beautiful. Now that I've lost 45 lbs, he looks at me and says things like "damn, you're looking sexy!" or "wow, you look amazing!". Positive reinforcement will get you so much further than anything else. If she is having a good day where she's up and doing things, tell her how great she's doing. Get her to believe she's beautiful and worth while, and truly mean it. If her self worth goes up, she'll feel better about herself and want to make more changes. Someone who is depressed and feels like they are worth nothing has a very hard time believing they're worth the effort.
  • Macy9336
    Macy9336 Posts: 694 Member
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    shank3r wrote: »
    Thanks for the input....she is on some type of either an anxiety or depression med...

    I may suggest to her to seek some professional mental health assistance, I know from experience that exercise and weight loss does wonders for solving depression as it did for me.

    I agree it sounds like depression is a factor. Please note that for severe depression, exercise does not "solve" it by any means. It only helps once the depression is no longer active.

    Secondly, most anxiety/depression meds cause weight gain. I know of a person on three such meds and EACH medication causes 20-30lbs weight gain. So their metabolism slowed to a 60-90lb weight gain. So what you need to realise NOW is that getting your wife through the depression is paramount. Her life is more important than her weight. You can find out if this is the case with your wife's meds by googling them with the medication name and "weight gain" search terms as it is not always disclosed on the patient leaflets.

    However, if the meds do cause weight gain, I would mention this to her because the Dr can move her to a different medication that doesn't cause weight gain which will allow her weight to at least stabilise and that might give her the hope to get past the depression and then start walking again. Anxiety is a big deal too. People with anxiety will become housebound from their fear of doing anything alone. So even when the depression starts to lift, you'll have to literally accompany her on walks or do other exercise together.

    I'd suggest she get a complete blood work up to ensure she doesn't have any deficiencies they cause fatigue. Fatigue is a big symptom of depression but it also could be a lack of vit D, or B12 or iron, or hypothyroidism, or chronic fatigue, or lupus, causing fatigue.

    Finally, Especially since she has suffered the devastating loss of several babies, can you find a support group for her? Or some sort of bereavement counselling? You really need to take the time out to process those losses. She may be feeling like a failure, a non woman. It's not a good place to be in and if she could connect with other women who have angel babies and gone on to have Earth babies she may find the motivation to keep on going and take care of herself.
  • mom22dogs
    mom22dogs Posts: 470 Member
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    jenilla1 wrote: »
    You clearly have a communication problem in your marriage. I'd suggest marriage counseling, if possible - at least for yourself if not together. A therapist might be able to suggest ways to approach the situation more effectively, so it's worth looking into. If everything has become a "sensitive issue" that can't be discussed, what can you talk about? How can you move forward?

    Sounds like she's already being treated for depression and/or anxiety, and you feel like you can't even talk to her about that. She's definitely depressed. She lacks motivation to improve, she doesn't appear to care about herself, her hygiene is suffering. Those are clear signs. I hope she's not just taking medication. She needs therapy as well. She has a history of personal trauma (miscarriages, etc.) that clearly needs to be worked through. Meds can take the edge off and help you get to a place where you can begin to confront the underlying problems, but if you don't work through your issues, they won't ever be solved.

    Sure, you can't make someone change, but sometimes people need help recognizing the severity of their problems. They often feel trapped and unable to take action. It's extremely hard for depressed people to find their way out of the darkness alone. And they usually want help, but don't know how to ask. They are often ashamed of their inability to cope. If her current treatment isn't working, she needs additional help. She might be so wrapped up in her funk that she doesn't realize the toll it's talking on others.

    This situation sounds utterly demoralizing for all involved. If it was me, I'd honestly worry about getting sucked down with her into the gloom. You probably don't want the rest of your life to look like this. (She doesn't either.) That's not fair to anyone. Hopefully, you can find a way to reach her and make some positive changes in how you interact before YOU start to go downhill, too. It can and will get better, but it will take patience and sensitivity on your part and it will require her to accept help, to want to get better, and to begin making small changes. So both of you need to work at this. She really needs to know how you feel (but without any blame and shame and with emphasis on how you still love her and want to help her get better.) She already feels terrible about this and that's why she's so sensitive. But you have feelings, too - you deserve to be able to share your feelings with your spouse and she deserves to know how you're feeling. I'd want to know.

    Good luck! <3

    I think this is the best response in this thread. Period.

    OP, if she won't go to therapy, go yourself to learn how to deal with the situation, and ways you can talk to her that won't put her on the defensive. You could try just telling her you love her and want her to be around for you and your son, and ask her what you can to do help her. Let her know you want to help her feel better and be healthy. That's not bringing up her weight and it shows you want to help her. I can be a really defensive person when people criticize me, but if someone approached it from the angle of " what can I do to help you" that would open it up to a more positive conversation.
  • Sivadee00
    Sivadee00 Posts: 428 Member
    edited May 2017
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    There are a ton of very good opinions and ideas listed on this thread so, if you or her decide to act, I hope your choices provide good results. However, remember sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I wish you and your family the best.

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