Incredibly stressful living situation causing me so much stress that it's making me sick and ....
Tropicoolblonde
Posts: 70 Member
I'm eating really unhealthy because of the stress. I'm also not sleeping much, which is causing me to overreat and to be unable to exercise sometimes (because I am so exhausted and sick from stress)
So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out?
the stress is killing me.
Sorry if this isn't really a diet question...but it's affecting my health which is in turn affecting my diet. I am not sure how to deal with this or what I should do so that I can focus on me and my health.
So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out?
the stress is killing me.
Sorry if this isn't really a diet question...but it's affecting my health which is in turn affecting my diet. I am not sure how to deal with this or what I should do so that I can focus on me and my health.
4
Replies
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just leave...
this isn't going to change.8 -
What's your lease situation?3
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I'd move out.... have dealt with things like this in the past, they (in my experience) don't get better.1
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Move out. Some people are just slobs. Life is too short for that kind of stress.3
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Move out.
This is one of those root causes that digs deeper than diet. You need to fix this first. You've spoken before and this isn't a marriage. Make sure you are good with the legal issues - rental agreements and such. Hoping you developed a good relationship with the landlord as they can often help out.2 -
As others have said, if you can move then do that.
As for eating and sleep: are you exercising? I find it helps with both my stress and getting good sleep, and those things impact my eating -- all in positive ways.0 -
If you're not tied into a lease i'd absolutely move out ASAP. My experience with roommate situations like this is that they don't get better.2
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Yikes! Sorry you're going through this. I agree that you need to move out. Tell your roommate to start looking for a replacement because you'll be out of there as soon as you can. This situation just isn't working for you. If she balks, tell her that you'll find your replacement yourself and she'll have to deal with it. Or, she can move: her choice.1
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Move out.
Ps - she may promise to change and actually change for a short time, but it won't last.6 -
Move. The great thing about renting is that you CAN change your situation. So change it. I had good roommates and bad roommates. I never had a bad one become a good one.3
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Either clean up after her (don't do this) or move (do this).
She is the way she is and you are the way you are. Next roommate have a conversation about cleanliness standards before you move in to make sure you match up.6 -
Are these different guys she has sleeping over? Start calling them random names and when they get mad, just say you can't keep up with the revolving door. :laugh:
Seriously though, I'd move. Life is too short for that kind of garbage. You'll have a few crappy roommates in your life. It's a good lesson in not holding on too long and causing extra suffering for yourself. Just not worth it.9 -
Move out... simple...0
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I'll differ just a little from the others and say, realistically, I know in your situation I'd be taking out the trash and doing the dishes just so I didn't have to live in a bio-hazard while ALSO working on my exit plan. Get out ASAP.9
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thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
One of the best ways I've found to destroy a friendship is to live with them. I would still suggest getting out, if you can. It's a hard lesson, but you can't sacrifice your own physical and mental health for fear of hurting her or ruining the friendship.6 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
One of the best ways I've found to destroy a friendship is to live with them. I would still suggest getting out, if you can. It's a hard lesson, but you can't sacrifice your own physical and mental health for fear of hurting her or ruining the friendship.
Agreed. I never had it as bad as the OP but the best college roommate I ever had was one who was an acquaintance who I didn't spend much time with.
Definitely move, OP.
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
But, ah, after living with her, do you still even like her? Us older folk have probably all been through this particular wringer. I know I have. You're going to end up moving out and you'll have no desire to remain friends with her. You'll be so relieved to live alone again.
to be perfectly honest, it has definitely changed the way I view her. I wouldn't say I'm at the point where I'd say I dislike who she is as a friend/person..but has as a roommate. I did find that I started being overly critical of things about her when I was pissed off at the living situation (i.e. her sedentary lifestyle, her run in with cops, her job) but I would never say those things to her or behind her back. I think that just reaffirms that if it is changing how I see this person then I better get out fast before it completely ruins my friendship with her in addition to my own health and happiness obv.
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ironically, as much as she has done to me (and as little as I have done to this girl) she seems to be the one bad mouthing me XD0
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
I stayed friends with my messy ex-roommate friends after fleeing their messes. You can love someone but be unable to live with them
If it were me and breaking the lease wasn't an option, I'd clean up after her just to stay sane just until the lease was up and I could move out.3 -
Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
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Tropicoolblonde wrote: »ironically, as much as she has done to me (and as little as I have done to this girl) she seems to be the one bad mouthing me XD
Also not uncommon. The friendship won't likely survive. She sounds self-absorbed. You'll be okay. Take care of yourself.2 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
I don't think that someone who has people over a lot or who is messy automatically has a mental health or substance abuse issue.
I've known people who are messy as hell and lazy, which results in very untidy homes.
Right, it's not just being messy, it's the part I bolded - being messy to the point of mold and bugs. Whenever I have seen that amount of squalor, there was a mental health or substance abuse issue involved.4 -
Tropicoolblonde wrote: »thanks so much for the feedback everyone... I should've mentioned the only reason I haven't moved yet (besides the lease only being half over) is that she is actually a close friend.. I had no idea living with her would be this terrible. I was lonely, and trying to save money so i decided to get a roommate after my first 2 years of living alone in my own place. Huge mistake it seems.
The friendship will die completely if you don't move out. Trust me on this. Been there done that.
MOVE.2 -
Sounds like the only way to save the friendship is to move out. Living with friends is a bad idea most of the time for this exact reason. You might love to hang out with a person without being cut out to actually LIVE with them. If you stay in that flat you will most likely fall out completely eventually. The number one reason for moving though is of course that you notice it affecting your health and your fitness goals. It's not worth risking your health and your friendship.0
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kshama2001 wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
I don't think that someone who has people over a lot or who is messy automatically has a mental health or substance abuse issue.
I've known people who are messy as hell and lazy, which results in very untidy homes.
Right, it's not just being messy, it's the part I bolded - being messy to the point of mold and bugs. Whenever I have seen that amount of squalor, there was a mental health or substance abuse issue involved.
She does do drugs.. and she has cried to me about her life. Not sure if I would classify it as a full blown mental illness though
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So, is it your place I gather? If it's your name on the lease with the landlord, breaking the lease may be expensive. Just tell her she has to find other living arrangements. Like, now.
Life is too damn short as it is.
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Geocitiesuser wrote: »I'd move out.... have dealt with things like this in the past, they (in my experience) don't get better.
ditto! GTFO and don't look back.1 -
I also agree that living with friends can be one of the worst things and quickest ways to ruin a friendship, unfortunately. Post college, I only lived alone, and loved it. Now I'm married and live with my husband, but he's an anomaly lol.
Good luck to you! I hope you're able to find a solution!2 -
Tropicoolblonde wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Tropicoolblonde wrote: »...So my roommate is incredibly filthy and doesn't respect our living arrangement at all. She never cleans her piles of dishes, until they accumulate and smell like mold and attract bugs. She has guests over every single night to spend the night for the past month straight. She never takes out the trash ever (even if it's overfilling...she let's it pile up on top of the can and on the ground by the can). She has a pet and leaves its toys all over the ground (as well as her shoes, keys, purse, etc) all over the kitchen, living room, and hallway floors for me to stumble on when I come home when it's dark.
She also gets incredibly defensive when I have brought up these issues (in a kind way) before...and i have always framed things as "our" problem, even though it is 100% her. I used "I" statements, etc.
At this point I'm wondering If i should even bother trying to talk to her one more time or if I should just move out? ...
Is there a mental health or substance abuse issue going on here?
I don't think that someone who has people over a lot or who is messy automatically has a mental health or substance abuse issue.
I've known people who are messy as hell and lazy, which results in very untidy homes.
Right, it's not just being messy, it's the part I bolded - being messy to the point of mold and bugs. Whenever I have seen that amount of squalor, there was a mental health or substance abuse issue involved.
She does do drugs.. and she has cried to me about her life. Not sure if I would classify it as a full blown mental illness though
I've known high functioning drug users, and dysfunctional drug users. Most of the dysfunctional drug users were also thieves. It's an awful feeling of betrayal when a "friend" steals from you. Not saying this is going to happen with your friend, but that IME it is very common with certain types of drugs and patterns of drug use.
(And for any functional drug users, it already should be perfectly clear that I am NOT talking about you but I will reiterate that I'm talking about dysfunctional drug use.)
Look, you're not her mother or her social worker. Her problems do not have to be your problems. Is she on the lease? Can you kick her out?2
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