Looking some insight about my marriage
bossyblackdog
Posts: 36 Member
I'm sorting through some feelings about my marriage. I wouldn't mind hearing about other people's experiences if they can help.
I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 5. We don't have any kids. He is my best friend's brother, a woman who I have been best friends with since kindergarten. When my husband and I first started seeing each other, I was having a great time with him. The problem is that I have never been 100% sure I loved him. I eventually got to the point where I knew I enjoyed spending time with him, and I wanted what was best for him, and I was afraid of losing my friend if I didn't give the relationship every possible chance, so I tried to convince myself that I loved him, it was many years of "this is what love feels like, this is normal".
I have a really good job, and two years into our relationship he was miserable in his job and wanted to back to school for a second degree, so I agreed to his quitting work and going back to school full time. This was in 2010. Since then he has worked a little bit here and there but not much, and has done a third degree. He is working on developing a business, but I am unsure how hard he is working at it. Since 2010 he has not paid a bill, bought a single order of groceries, paid his cell bill, anything. He is extremely into marathons, and kayaking, and the majority of his focus is there. He has a $70000 student loan which he is not paying down ($60000 from before we were together), and he isn't saving anything for retirement (he is 40!).
I am currently in an extremely demanding training program, which takes about 60 hours a week. He HATES it, and says he wants his wife back. He complains that he feels it is more important then him, all the while I feel like his adventurous lifestyle has been his primary focus for years. He has been taking several trips a year to go to marathons and is racking up debt in a manner that I can't keep up with. I feel like I am working my *kitten* off so he can play! I extremely value financial security which is why I work so hard, he values having fun.
To top it off, I have always felt that I was the one holding everything together to keep our life together, and because of his short temper I would walk on eggshells and smooth everything over so he didn't have to deal with it. Last year we had a rental building (luckily sold now), that I had to manage and keep running while working 60 hours a week because he hated it and didn't want to deal with it. I remember one particular embarrassing weekend when the went away to kayak and I had to get my bother in law and father to come help me finish some renos so tenants could move in the next week.
I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and taken advantage of. I have finally come to accept that any love I did have for him is gone. Our sex life is non-existent and the thought of it repulses me. The problem is I feel so guilty leaving him because I know he relies on my 100% for financial support. I know he loves our home, but he can't afford it without me, even with spousal support, and I feel guilty taking it away from him.
I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 5. We don't have any kids. He is my best friend's brother, a woman who I have been best friends with since kindergarten. When my husband and I first started seeing each other, I was having a great time with him. The problem is that I have never been 100% sure I loved him. I eventually got to the point where I knew I enjoyed spending time with him, and I wanted what was best for him, and I was afraid of losing my friend if I didn't give the relationship every possible chance, so I tried to convince myself that I loved him, it was many years of "this is what love feels like, this is normal".
I have a really good job, and two years into our relationship he was miserable in his job and wanted to back to school for a second degree, so I agreed to his quitting work and going back to school full time. This was in 2010. Since then he has worked a little bit here and there but not much, and has done a third degree. He is working on developing a business, but I am unsure how hard he is working at it. Since 2010 he has not paid a bill, bought a single order of groceries, paid his cell bill, anything. He is extremely into marathons, and kayaking, and the majority of his focus is there. He has a $70000 student loan which he is not paying down ($60000 from before we were together), and he isn't saving anything for retirement (he is 40!).
I am currently in an extremely demanding training program, which takes about 60 hours a week. He HATES it, and says he wants his wife back. He complains that he feels it is more important then him, all the while I feel like his adventurous lifestyle has been his primary focus for years. He has been taking several trips a year to go to marathons and is racking up debt in a manner that I can't keep up with. I feel like I am working my *kitten* off so he can play! I extremely value financial security which is why I work so hard, he values having fun.
To top it off, I have always felt that I was the one holding everything together to keep our life together, and because of his short temper I would walk on eggshells and smooth everything over so he didn't have to deal with it. Last year we had a rental building (luckily sold now), that I had to manage and keep running while working 60 hours a week because he hated it and didn't want to deal with it. I remember one particular embarrassing weekend when the went away to kayak and I had to get my bother in law and father to come help me finish some renos so tenants could move in the next week.
I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and taken advantage of. I have finally come to accept that any love I did have for him is gone. Our sex life is non-existent and the thought of it repulses me. The problem is I feel so guilty leaving him because I know he relies on my 100% for financial support. I know he loves our home, but he can't afford it without me, even with spousal support, and I feel guilty taking it away from him.
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Replies
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Yep time to call it quits and move on. You deserve to be happy. Let him get a job and deal with his own finances/debt.4
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This feels like its my fault. I let it go to long without saying anything. I'm non-confrontational and I should have brought these issues to the surface before my feelings have gotten this bad. But I feel like any love I had is to far gone that its too late now to get anything back.... nor do I think I want to. My guilt of destroying him is all that's standing in my way.0
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It's going to be a huge upheaval, it's going to be tough BUT we're only here once...I think you know what needs to happen.
Good luck.2 -
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You're not happy, you don't love him, the thought of sex with him repulses you...
Leave.
ETA: you shouldn't stay with him just because you'd feel guilty. You're not his keeper. It might just be the push he needs to get his *kitten* together.6 -
All he had to do was cook, clean, and be supportive. He blew it. Welcome to the Monte Vista Apartment Complex, buddy... where there ain't no mountains and there ain't no view.
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There's always two sides.... Don't take advice from the internet is my advice.11
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If you don't have kids... then you should run before I finish posting this!0
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Talk to him about it; it doesn't need to be confrontational.
I wish you well.1 -
If the OP had a wife rather than husband I wonder if people would be so quick to judge?
I think you need to talk to him first, though it sounds like you have already made your decision. You are just struggling to come to terms with doing something for you when you are so used to doing something for someone else.
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It would be interesting to hear his side of this, but from the sounds of it he's using you to live the life he wants, running, kayaking, playing in the sun while you're working and paying all the bills, including his student loans. Having a mediator might help, but how much time do you want to invest, especially if you're not sure you even love him?1
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You are absolutely right there are two sides. I can't show you his. I can only explore how I feel. I'm not really looking for advise, I'm working through this on my own an putting things down in words and seeing some other people's thoughts are helping me with understanding if my feelings of leaving are jumping the gun or if my guilt is irrational. I need to see a counselor really, I have an appointment next week, but until then my thoughts are fully consumed, and I have a rock in my stomach. I have talked to some family about this...There's always two sides.... Don't take advice from the internet is my advice.
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I'd recommend for you to see a counselor or therapist to help you with these feelings of guilt and this lack of self-care.
It sounds like you are treating him like a king and treating yourself like *kitten* (and he's treating you poorly too by not being a partner to you). Why is this? Why do you value his comfort and happiness over your own? You don't even love him anymore, so why do his priorities overtake yours?
It doesn't matter if you never brought all of this up sooner, that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to now. If someone is being abused (emotionally, financially or physically) we don't put a timeframe on when it is "ok" to come forward, get help and take their life back. And, to me, it does feel a bit like financial abuse, since he is sort of setting you up to take the fall for his debt and spending habits. (I won't even get into my concerns about his short temper.)
Your number 1 responsibility is to yourself, fiscally, mentally, emotionally and physically. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone who doesn't contribute to your wellbeing.4 -
My situation is a tiny bit like yours, but only in regards to husband going to school and not working. This can cause so much tension in your marriage. Especially if there isnt a plan laid out about what he is going to do with his life (and hes 40 so come on) There was a period where my husband was going to school and then changed his degree and couldnt find a job. He eventually started something part time and was miserable, I encouraged him to quit. I sat down with him and told him he needs to figure out what he wants to do, because im not going to be the only one working and married to a student forever. A year later hes almost done with his degree and is applying to medical school in December. He cleans the house, takes care of the dog etc. and im okay with it. When you SO doesnt have a plan, it can be so frustrating and when they are home all day, they feel like they never see you. However. my advice to you is, if you dont love him leave. Did you love him when you got married, or did you feel obligated? Also if my husband was spending the money that I worked my *kitten* for all week to go on a trip, I would have lost my mind, I would have moved money to a different bank account and not given him access, yes you are married, but its not like he is using the money to buy groceries. Putting you in debt is a SERIOUS problem. If you love him or could fall back in love with him then its a different story, if there is nothing to salvage then its time to move on. If you stay with him because you feel guilty you will once again be putting his happiness above your own.2
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Yeah I'm usually an advocate of trying to fix things but that reads as a bye bye to me. The only bit you don't mention is what you've done to try rectify things e.g. have you told him all this? have to tried to communicate and get him to work on this stuff? if the answer is yes and it hasn't changed then leave.4
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sounds like he's had a sweet deal. parts of this are very familiar to me. i think you already know the answer...time to make yourself happy.0 -
If the OP had a wife rather than husband I wonder if people would be so quick to judge?
I think you need to talk to him first, though it sounds like you have already made your decision. You are just struggling to come to terms with doing something for you when you are so used to doing something for someone else.
That's an interesting insight - now I am wondering too. I think you are right that I am struggling with putting my own priorities first. I've always been a people pleaser... now at 33 I'm starting to realize I keep pleasing people who aren't overly worried about pleasing me... and I'm getting fed up with it.
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Take some time off. You need a break. Have some alone time in nature and allow yourself to break down. Have that big ugly cry. And then feel. Feel everything that is left. You are probably empty and drained. Only you can make the decision. Let yourself tell you what to do next.1
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As a counselor i think It's a good idea that you are seeing one. Obviously this marriage isn't working, and you will need to decide if you are wanting it to work anymore. If you can get your husband to go to counseling that would help clarify things, but if he's resisting counseling that is also a big Red Flag that he's not really interested in saving it.3
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As bad as this situation is with you being used, you are comfortable with this. You have got to make yourself uncomfortable in order for things to change. He made his own bed but you allowed it to happen. With that said it is not your fault that he is a piece of sh...
Talk to him, tell him that you're unhappy, and that you want to leave. These things do not change on their own and only get worse.1 -
If the OP had a wife rather than husband I wonder if people would be so quick to judge?
I think you need to talk to him first, though it sounds like you have already made your decision. You are just struggling to come to terms with doing something for you when you are so used to doing something for someone else.
I would have said the same thing to a man or woman.
She doesn't love him, doesn't think she ever really has. Isn't happy.
To me the rest of the story, his side, her side, then the truth doesn't really matter because of this.
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I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm with you on if I really married him for the right reasons. I think you already know what you need/want to do, it's just really hard to actually do it. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. You need to put your happiness first. *if only I could take my own advice* Feel free to message me direct if you ever want to chat more -I'd love to have someone to talk with that has the same stressful thoughts that I do!0
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Focus on yourself and do what you need to do for you. A separation may force him to decide to make a change. Most importantly forgive yourself and take responsibility for what all this has done to you. He needs help and its likely in the form of breaking a bad habit of depending on you instead of taking action himself. That pain is all his to own. Your pain for what this has done to you is all on you, you have no right to hate him or be angry at him for this but you have every right to get out.0
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I have told him many times he is spending too much money and I can't keep up with it. And I have tried to set an example by not spending money on frivolous things, even when he knows it was something I would like to have (greenhouse being the most recent example). Then a short two months later he informs me he will be headed to Arizona soon for the second time this year, we live in Canada and right now exchange is murder), the $400 race registration is paid with our joint credit card and the plan ticket has been booked. I'm not confrontational, and when he gets defensive I back off. I feel like I have tried to demonstrate that I am not happy, but I haven't been brave enough to outright tell him he has to get his *kitten* together. This is what I mean by feeling like some of this is my fault.MrStabbems wrote: »Yeah I'm usually an advocate of trying to fix things but that reads as a bye bye to me. The only bit you don't mention is what you've done to try rectify things e.g. have you told him all this? have to tried to communicate and get him to work on this stuff? if the answer is yes and it hasn't changed then leave.
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OutOfUserName wrote: »brentster42 wrote: »As a counselor i think It's a good idea that you are seeing one. Obviously this marriage isn't working, and you will need to decide if you are wanting it to work anymore. If you can get your husband to go to counseling that would help clarify things, but if he's resisting counseling that is also a big Red Flag that he's not really interested in saving it.
shi t id save it if im getting a free ride out of it
This is exactly what my sister said...0 -
I think you know where you need/want to be. Which ever way you take it you will need to be strong. No one should have to walk on egg shells because of a toddlers tantrums. A marriage is a partnership of equals. At least take a break, even if it is only a long walk round a cool green space and even sit for a while taking time for yourself. (Then log the calories. tiny giggle)
I would hope your best friend, your s-i-l, will already have some idea what you are going through, she lived with him in childhood! She may admire your ability for self-sacrifice. If you do loose this valued friend, if you try to talk to her she was never a real friend. Her loss will be greater than yours.
No two circumstances are ever the same, we can all reach a point when things seem futile. I've never regretted the decision I took. (gosh, its 30 and more years ago!) I wish you well for the decisions you take. Please allow one thought, how will you feel if things are the same as they are now, in a year or five years. It will probably be as if you were still thinking of loosing the same weight then as you are now.
Please take a big hug, and all the very best.0 -
I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm with you on if I really married him for the right reasons. I think you already know what you need/want to do, it's just really hard to actually do it. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. You need to put your happiness first. *if only I could take my own advice* Feel free to message me direct if you ever want to chat more -I'd love to have someone to talk with that has the same stressful thoughts that I do!
I will! I hope your finding the strength you need as well!0 -
bossyblackdog wrote: »I need to see a counselor really, I have an appointment next week, but until then my thoughts are fully consumed, and I have a rock in my stomach. I have talked to some family about this...
Im glad you are seeing a counselor. I really hope that you can sort through these concerns and feel confident in your decision moving forward.
I agree that there are two sides to every story, but if this is your side (you don't love him, are repulsed by intimacy with him, feel used and taken advantage of), I don't know if it does matter what his side is. If 50% of a relationship feels this way, and the other half is happy as a clam, my advice would still be to separate. You can't have a healthy marriage built out of such imbalance.
My understanding (and correct me if I'm wrong) is that you have tried to bring it up, but it ends up being a big fight with no change or resolution (I get this from the OP's short temper comment). If that's the case, reconciliation seems unlikely (unless both Agee to serious marriage counseling, financial counseling, etc., which still won't work if one party doesn't love the other).2
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