Looking some insight about my marriage
Options
Replies
-
As a counselor i think It's a good idea that you are seeing one. Obviously this marriage isn't working, and you will need to decide if you are wanting it to work anymore. If you can get your husband to go to counseling that would help clarify things, but if he's resisting counseling that is also a big Red Flag that he's not really interested in saving it.3
-
As bad as this situation is with you being used, you are comfortable with this. You have got to make yourself uncomfortable in order for things to change. He made his own bed but you allowed it to happen. With that said it is not your fault that he is a piece of sh...
Talk to him, tell him that you're unhappy, and that you want to leave. These things do not change on their own and only get worse.1 -
If the OP had a wife rather than husband I wonder if people would be so quick to judge?
I think you need to talk to him first, though it sounds like you have already made your decision. You are just struggling to come to terms with doing something for you when you are so used to doing something for someone else.
I would have said the same thing to a man or woman.
She doesn't love him, doesn't think she ever really has. Isn't happy.
To me the rest of the story, his side, her side, then the truth doesn't really matter because of this.
4 -
I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm with you on if I really married him for the right reasons. I think you already know what you need/want to do, it's just really hard to actually do it. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. You need to put your happiness first. *if only I could take my own advice* Feel free to message me direct if you ever want to chat more -I'd love to have someone to talk with that has the same stressful thoughts that I do!0
-
Focus on yourself and do what you need to do for you. A separation may force him to decide to make a change. Most importantly forgive yourself and take responsibility for what all this has done to you. He needs help and its likely in the form of breaking a bad habit of depending on you instead of taking action himself. That pain is all his to own. Your pain for what this has done to you is all on you, you have no right to hate him or be angry at him for this but you have every right to get out.0
-
I have told him many times he is spending too much money and I can't keep up with it. And I have tried to set an example by not spending money on frivolous things, even when he knows it was something I would like to have (greenhouse being the most recent example). Then a short two months later he informs me he will be headed to Arizona soon for the second time this year, we live in Canada and right now exchange is murder), the $400 race registration is paid with our joint credit card and the plan ticket has been booked. I'm not confrontational, and when he gets defensive I back off. I feel like I have tried to demonstrate that I am not happy, but I haven't been brave enough to outright tell him he has to get his *kitten* together. This is what I mean by feeling like some of this is my fault.MrStabbems wrote: »Yeah I'm usually an advocate of trying to fix things but that reads as a bye bye to me. The only bit you don't mention is what you've done to try rectify things e.g. have you told him all this? have to tried to communicate and get him to work on this stuff? if the answer is yes and it hasn't changed then leave.
1 -
OutOfUserName wrote: »brentster42 wrote: »As a counselor i think It's a good idea that you are seeing one. Obviously this marriage isn't working, and you will need to decide if you are wanting it to work anymore. If you can get your husband to go to counseling that would help clarify things, but if he's resisting counseling that is also a big Red Flag that he's not really interested in saving it.
shi t id save it if im getting a free ride out of it
This is exactly what my sister said...0 -
I think you know where you need/want to be. Which ever way you take it you will need to be strong. No one should have to walk on egg shells because of a toddlers tantrums. A marriage is a partnership of equals. At least take a break, even if it is only a long walk round a cool green space and even sit for a while taking time for yourself. (Then log the calories. tiny giggle)
I would hope your best friend, your s-i-l, will already have some idea what you are going through, she lived with him in childhood! She may admire your ability for self-sacrifice. If you do loose this valued friend, if you try to talk to her she was never a real friend. Her loss will be greater than yours.
No two circumstances are ever the same, we can all reach a point when things seem futile. I've never regretted the decision I took. (gosh, its 30 and more years ago!) I wish you well for the decisions you take. Please allow one thought, how will you feel if things are the same as they are now, in a year or five years. It will probably be as if you were still thinking of loosing the same weight then as you are now.
Please take a big hug, and all the very best.0 -
I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm with you on if I really married him for the right reasons. I think you already know what you need/want to do, it's just really hard to actually do it. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. You need to put your happiness first. *if only I could take my own advice* Feel free to message me direct if you ever want to chat more -I'd love to have someone to talk with that has the same stressful thoughts that I do!
I will! I hope your finding the strength you need as well!0 -
bossyblackdog wrote: »I need to see a counselor really, I have an appointment next week, but until then my thoughts are fully consumed, and I have a rock in my stomach. I have talked to some family about this...
Im glad you are seeing a counselor. I really hope that you can sort through these concerns and feel confident in your decision moving forward.
I agree that there are two sides to every story, but if this is your side (you don't love him, are repulsed by intimacy with him, feel used and taken advantage of), I don't know if it does matter what his side is. If 50% of a relationship feels this way, and the other half is happy as a clam, my advice would still be to separate. You can't have a healthy marriage built out of such imbalance.
My understanding (and correct me if I'm wrong) is that you have tried to bring it up, but it ends up being a big fight with no change or resolution (I get this from the OP's short temper comment). If that's the case, reconciliation seems unlikely (unless both Agee to serious marriage counseling, financial counseling, etc., which still won't work if one party doesn't love the other).2 -
You are right - I don't hate him and I am not angry at him. I still love him in the way you love a friend, or sibling. I want what is best for him and I want him to be happy. I my thoughts of separating, I want to do it in a way that gives him the best chance to get off on the right foot for supporting himself. I don't want to take everything we have and leave him in the dust, I want to help him transition.cburke8909 wrote: »Focus on yourself and do what you need to do for you. A separation may force him to decide to make a change. Most importantly forgive yourself and take responsibility for what all this has done to you. He needs help and its likely in the form of breaking a bad habit of depending on you instead of taking action himself. That pain is all his to own. Your pain for what this has done to you is all on you, you have no right to hate him or be angry at him for this but you have every right to get out.
0 -
lol - yesOutOfUserName wrote: »bossyblackdog wrote: »OutOfUserName wrote: »brentster42 wrote: »As a counselor i think It's a good idea that you are seeing one. Obviously this marriage isn't working, and you will need to decide if you are wanting it to work anymore. If you can get your husband to go to counseling that would help clarify things, but if he's resisting counseling that is also a big Red Flag that he's not really interested in saving it.
shi t id save it if im getting a free ride out of it
This is exactly what my sister said...
just to be clear she said it about him right?
0 -
-
I think you already know the answer, and know what you need to do. Marriage Counseling might help, and if he won't go, go by yourself. Don't worry about losing your best friend; I'm sure she is very aware of her brother's behavior. Your husband needs to grow up, and become a partner in this marriage, if indeed, he wants to stay in it. . My best wishes to you. Only you know what you should do. Do what is best for you.1
-
Guilt because he's made bad decisions is not a reason to stay. Ask yourself a few questions... Are you happy? If not, what will it take to make you happy? Is he willing to help you get there? If the answer is no to the first and last questions, there's nothing to save. If he's willing to make a big change after a serious sit down, you have something to work with. If he could care less and just considers you a free hand out, walk away and go be happy!1
-
I know the guilt you feel. I felt it too. I tried to show him as much, as you have tried. I made excuse after excuse for his behaviour. I know its hard, I took two children with me. Marriage for life is what I believed, but not a life sentence. You are younger than I was when I walked after 15 years, its was not at all what I believed in. In the same way as I could not believe that was all 30 years ago, neither can I beieve, I now have a happy marriage, that I was not looking for or expected, of 18 years, we work things out together.1
-
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Relationships sometimes go through periods where one partner is working and the other isn't, so maybe the one who isn't does more around the house, etc. to compensate for their partner going in to work every day, but your husband hasn't and based on what you've said, that's not love and that's not normal in a good relationship.
He's been taking from you for years, don't feel guilty if you decide to leave him.
About his contributions around the house - he does cook. But he regularly tells me it is "easier for him" when I cook more often. This grates on my every nerve. I hire someone to clean.0 -
Thanks Fuzzipeg - this gives me some hope!I know the guilt you feel. I felt it too. I tried to show him as much, as you have tried. I made excuse after excuse for his behaviour. I know its hard, I took two children with me. Marriage for life is what I believed, but not a life sentence. You are younger than I was when I walked after 15 years, its was not at all what I believed in. In the same way as I could not believe that was all 30 years ago, neither can I beieve, I now have a happy marriage, that I was not looking for or expected, of 18 years, we work things out together.
0 -
bossyblackdog wrote: »I'm sorting through some feelings about my marriage. I wouldn't mind hearing about other people's experiences if they can help.
I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 5. We don't have any kids. He is my best friend's brother, a woman who I have been best friends with since kindergarten. When my husband and I first started seeing each other, I was having a great time with him. The problem is that I have never been 100% sure I loved him. I eventually got to the point where I knew I enjoyed spending time with him, and I wanted what was best for him, and I was afraid of losing my friend if I didn't give the relationship every possible chance, so I tried to convince myself that I loved him, it was many years of "this is what love feels like, this is normal".
I have a really good job, and two years into our relationship he was miserable in his job and wanted to back to school for a second degree, so I agreed to his quitting work and going back to school full time. This was in 2010. Since then he has worked a little bit here and there but not much, and has done a third degree. He is working on developing a business, but I am unsure how hard he is working at it. Since 2010 he has not paid a bill, bought a single order of groceries, paid his cell bill, anything. He is extremely into marathons, and kayaking, and the majority of his focus is there. He has a $70000 student loan which he is not paying down ($60000 from before we were together), and he isn't saving anything for retirement (he is 40!).
I am currently in an extremely demanding training program, which takes about 60 hours a week. He HATES it, and says he wants his wife back. He complains that he feels it is more important then him, all the while I feel like his adventurous lifestyle has been his primary focus for years. He has been taking several trips a year to go to marathons and is racking up debt in a manner that I can't keep up with. I feel like I am working my *kitten* off so he can play! I extremely value financial security which is why I work so hard, he values having fun.
To top it off, I have always felt that I was the one holding everything together to keep our life together, and because of his short temper I would walk on eggshells and smooth everything over so he didn't have to deal with it. Last year we had a rental building (luckily sold now), that I had to manage and keep running while working 60 hours a week because he hated it and didn't want to deal with it. I remember one particular embarrassing weekend when the went away to kayak and I had to get my bother in law and father to come help me finish some renos so tenants could move in the next week.
I feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and taken advantage of. I have finally come to accept that any love I did have for him is gone. Our sex life is non-existent and the thought of it repulses me. The problem is I feel so guilty leaving him because I know he relies on my 100% for financial support. I know he loves our home, but he can't afford it without me, even with spousal support, and I feel guilty taking it away from him.
Except for the friend's brother part, you described a large chunk of my relationship with my ex husband. I told him I wanted a divorce last July, finalized in March, best decision I ever made.1 -
OutOfUserName wrote: »a 40 year old man who is perfectly healthy cant support himself.... i feel emasculated for the dude
My thoughts exactly. If he can kayak and run marathons, he can work. He'd just rather not, and up to now you've enabled that. So un-enable it, and see what happens. I doubt he'll be terribly happy about it, which you seem to already realize. Counseling for yourself is a good call. It will help you get your thoughts in order for whatever needs to happen next.
ETA, this thread is moving fast! I see you're speaking to a lawyer. Good call!1
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 387 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 916 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions