Looking some insight about my marriage
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htimpaired wrote: »Except for the friend's brother part, you described a large chunk of my relationship with my ex husband. I told him I wanted a divorce last July, finalized in March, best decision I ever made.
How did he take it? How did he make out in the long run? Did you struggle with actually telling him you wanted to leave?0 -
I do think he actually loves me, which is part of where my guilt is. This has been a poison for any love I had for him though - which has led me to where I am today. I agree if there is only love on one side, nothing will make it work. I don't think I can get it back, especially where I was unsure how much I loved him to begin with. I was young and sooo stupid.0
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I stopped reading at 'I don't love him'
Run... life is too short6 -
bossyblackdog wrote: »htimpaired wrote: »Except for the friend's brother part, you described a large chunk of my relationship with my ex husband. I told him I wanted a divorce last July, finalized in March, best decision I ever made.
How did he take it? How did he make out in the long run? Did you struggle with actually telling him you wanted to leave?
I was very fortunate that after the initial blow, he took it well and we both agreed that we wanted this to go smoothly. We're still friends. We used a mediator to work through the legal stuff. He kept he house but the mortgage is in my name while he establishes his income so he can qualify for the mortgage. Per our agreement, he has two years to get the mortgage and buy the house from me, or I sell it. He's kept a job since the fall and is paying his bills on his own.
I had TONS of that guilt-feeling like I enabled his bad behavior and to live off of me for all those years. I reached a point where I decided that guilt or not, I couldn't take ownership for his choices (to not get a job, to try to start a business from home). He was a grown man and is responsible for himself. I still have moments where I feel guilty, but overall we both agree it was best for both of us.1 -
bossyblackdog wrote: »I do think he actually loves me, which is part of where my guilt is. This has been a poison for any love I had for him though - which has led me to where I am today. I agree if there is only love on one side, nothing will make it work. I don't think I can get it back, especially where I was unsure how much I loved him to begin with. I was young and sooo stupid.
He loves what he's taking from you.
It would be interesting to hear his side of the conversation.1 -
htimpaired wrote: »
I like this idea. I would be happy to keep the house but if he really wants it, I would be willing to make an arrangement like this, but I would have to counter with forgoing spousal support for this. I was trying to think of a way to give him an option to keep the house, but I knew he couldn't get a mortgage.bossyblackdog wrote: »He kept he house but the mortgage is in my name while he establishes his income so he can qualify for the mortgage. Per our agreement, he has two years to get the mortgage and buy the house from me, or I sell it. He's kept a job since the fall and is paying his bills on his own.0 -
bossyblackdog wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Relationships sometimes go through periods where one partner is working and the other isn't, so maybe the one who isn't does more around the house, etc. to compensate for their partner going in to work every day, but your husband hasn't and based on what you've said, that's not love and that's not normal in a good relationship.
He's been taking from you for years, don't feel guilty if you decide to leave him.
he regularly tells me it is "easier for him" when I cook more often.
you didn't mention you're married to captain obvious.
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There's always two sides.... Don't take advice from the internet is my advice.
I agree with this. And also, it sounds like you haven't really told him exactly how you feel and given him a chance to make things better because, as you said, you hate confrontations. I think people get divorced way too easily and you should at least get help to see if it is something that can be restored first.
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BedsideTableKangaroo wrote: »bossyblackdog wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Relationships sometimes go through periods where one partner is working and the other isn't, so maybe the one who isn't does more around the house, etc. to compensate for their partner going in to work every day, but your husband hasn't and based on what you've said, that's not love and that's not normal in a good relationship.
He's been taking from you for years, don't feel guilty if you decide to leave him.
he regularly tells me it is "easier for him" when I cook more often.
you didn't mention you're married to captain obvious.
ha!0 -
Hire a good divorce attorney and get out now while you still have a chance.1
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There is another factor that I didn't mention that I think is the nail in the coffin. I don't know 100% if I want kids, but I can not picture a life raising kids with him. I would be the only parent. If I stayed, I would not have kids. Even though I don't know if I want them, I would never forgive myself if I made that decision based on the wrong reasons.4
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In all this you are showing yourself to be a much better person than most of us. Please think of your own future, please do not be overly fair to this person who is taking advantage of you.
edited to add.
The last factor you mentioned, it is key, you know you do not want/need children in this situation. Let the future take care of itself. I felt I had two children and a grumpy lodger.0 -
I see one word and that is codependency.. you have recognized all unhealthy behaviors yet you stay with him, also you keep supporting him the cost of your own mental, emotional well being..
This might take personal counseling, so the internet advice is worthless, but you already know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do is.1 -
This is interesting RoxieDawn. I never really thought of it as a codependent relationship because I always thought I wasn't depending on him for anything. That being said, I really don't know much about the nature of relationships or what exactly codependency is. This would be a good question to ask the counselor about.I see one word and that is codependency.. you have recognized all unhealthy behaviors yet you stay with him, also you keep supporting him the cost of your own mental, emotional well being..
This might take personal counseling, so the internet advice is worthless, but you already know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do is.
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bossyblackdog wrote: »There is another factor that I didn't mention that I think is the nail in the coffin. I don't know 100% if I want kids, but I can not picture a life raising kids with him. I would be the only parent. If I stayed, I would not have kids. Even though I don't know if I want them, I would never forgive myself if I made that decision based on the wrong reasons.
Oh hunny, leave. Please leave. Don't make yet another (potential) sacrifice that will only leave you with regrets. If kids are something you may want and are potentially giving up for him, that is too much.
It was actually too much before you added this info -- but now it is way to damn much.0 -
I was in a similar situation. I supported him in all what he tried to achieve and supported me in none. Only (major) difference he was working and sorta paying his way within the relationship.
I stayed for quite some time because I felt responsible for him and I knew he would not cope without me etc blah blah blah.
anyway at one point I sat him down and told his this is the bottom line and you've reached itThis is what is going to happen and if not I am out of here by christmas. In the end he was not willing to change a thing so I was out 6 weeks later. Guess what I lived, am now very happily married to an amazing man that supports me through anything. My ex? Well he survived without me. From what I hear he is now an ever more miserable person, but he lives and still seems to kinda manage. I do not feel guilty about leaving him at all. In the end he made it happen. I only feel sorry that I did not leave earlier1 -
I know it seems pathetic to look for insight here, but this really has helped. I was asking myself if I was being selfish in this feeling of wanting to leave. I know I can't present his side, all I can demonstrate is how I feel. Seeing other's input and feelings has helped me with some perspective. It hasn't changed my feeling of what I want, because I want to leave, but it has given me some confidence in it.2
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No 2 situations are ever the same. I was also married to a man child many years ago. However, like you, I am/was non confrontational. We married young, probably too young, had a child together, but I let things fester. There was a moment I remember crying to myself and he walked in wanting to talk. I told him I thought we were heading for divorce, and he said he would call his employee care line to set up counseling. I gave it another year, and he never called. At that point, things were too far gone. Neither of us were really talking much about our feelings, and his eyes (and hands)were wandering elsewhere. I left him. It came as a huge blindside to him. I pointed out that he had a year to set up counseling, and he never did. I guess I felt that if he was going to truly listen and take my fears and frustrations seriously, he would have made that step. Then again, I was 25 and knew nothing about life. In the end, I am glad things ended. Even though it was a hard blow to him, he quickly regained and eventually found a new wife. We co-parent well, only live a couple of blocks from each other, and even though we are on friendly terms, I am often reminded when he gets cocky as to why I am no longer with him. It was a really hard decision, but I am glad I made it. We are both better off not being together.
The good news on my end....fast forward to today, and I am with a man who sees that confrontation is hard for me. However, he has a way of helping me open up, even if it is painful. We talk through things openly, and end up figuring out what brought us to whatever point we may be at. It is a good balance for us both! I am learning confrontation is healthy and can indeed be handled in a mature manner.4 -
bossyblackdog wrote: »
I have told him many times he is spending too much money and I can't keep up with it. And I have tried to set an example by not spending money on frivolous things, even when he knows it was something I would like to have (greenhouse being the most recent example). Then a short two months later he informs me he will be headed to Arizona soon for the second time this year, we live in Canada and right now exchange is murder), the $400 race registration is paid with our joint credit card and the plan ticket has been booked. I'm not confrontational, and when he gets defensive I back off. I feel like I have tried to demonstrate that I am not happy, but I haven't been brave enough to outright tell him he has to get his *kitten* together. This is what I mean by feeling like some of this is my fault.MrStabbems wrote: »Yeah I'm usually an advocate of trying to fix things but that reads as a bye bye to me. The only bit you don't mention is what you've done to try rectify things e.g. have you told him all this? have to tried to communicate and get him to work on this stuff? if the answer is yes and it hasn't changed then leave.
I would've cut his credit cards off then and there! Or at least reduce the balance.
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A lot of what you said sounds like my friend's former husband. She felt bad about leaving too. Ultimately her husband became physically abusive and she left. He whined for a little while to try to get her to come back, but he didn't bother even showing up for the divorce hearing. She got stuck with a lot of the debt that her ex had racked up, but at least she got rid of him. I think you know what the best thing to do is. Sometimes it's just hard to actually do it, but I think you'll be better off without him.2
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